(We’re a web design and hosting company that sells a particular content management system. If a customer has an existing site with another provider, we just build their new site on our servers and swap when everything is finished, to minimize problems. Up until that point, we have no control over their existing site, and the site we build has no connection to theirs, other than content, which the client provides.)

Customer: “Our site is down.”

Me: “You mean the test site we built?”

Customer: “No, our current site. It’s not working.”

(I check the site, which is still hosted with another company)

Me: “Yeah, it’s down. You’ll have to call [Other Hosting Company] and see if they can fix it.”

Customer: “Well, you need to fix it. I saw on the test site that you had links that led to our site, so you need to take those down since it crashed the site.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You linked to our site, and that made it crash.”

Me: “No… The Internet doesn’t work that way?”

(This goes on for quite a while, I tell him that we have no control over their existing site, and he tells me I have to remove all links, because they’re making the site crash.)

Boss: “Let me talk to him.”

Customer: *after a long explanation* “I’m just saying, don’t you think it’s a little more than a coincidence that you link to our site and the site crashes?”

Boss: “The links you gave us must have had viruses in them. We’ll run a purging system but it’ll take 48 hours; it’s very important you don’t disturb the system until it’s done. That means no visiting the site, and no calling us, or we’ll have to start all over again.”

Customer: “Ugh, why couldn’t you have just done that in the first place?!”

(I work in a grocery store bakery in a small town as a cake decorator, and one of our best selling items is a freshly-filled cannoli. We fill plain shells topped with powdered sugar or chocolate-dipped shells. A customer comes up to the counter and requests two cannoli. I grab a container and ask if he’d like the plain or chocolate-dipped shells. He smirks at me, looks around him, and leans in closer to answer.)

Customer: “I’ll have one Caucasian and one African American.”

(I pause and automatically raise an eyebrow. He looks at me expectantly, and then after a few seconds of silence starts to look nervous.)

Customer: “Right? Right?”

Me: “I’m sorry… You wanted what?”

Customer: “Uh…” *looking around again*

Me: “I think you said one vanilla and one chocolate; does that sound correct?”

(He blushed, stammering out an affirmative, and didn’t look up at me when I handed him his dessert. I wasn’t sorry to see him leave and I haven’t seen him since.)

(I work as a part-time teller at a very small local credit union. We are close to the merger date with a slightly larger local credit union who uses completely different software. I go for training on the software one-on-one with the training manager. I want to do my best, so I am very thorough with my transactions and verifications… maybe a bit too thorough at times. The manager has real transaction slips from years past, as well as some fake ones that they made up to allow us to learn a variety of scenarios. Because these are all real customers in the training database, some of the accounts have been closed since, so she has to give me a different transaction as a replacement.)

Manager: “Okay, so, here’s a customer that wants to cash an ‘on us’ check. We’re going to assume they are standing in front of us, and you already verified their ID. First, verify the signature on the check by looking up the account and pulling the signature file.”

Me: “Okay.” *pulls up the account* “The signature looks good.”

Manager: “Great. Then go through the transaction to cash a check.”

Me: “Wait!”

Manager: “What?”

Me: “There’s a note on this account… It says she is deceased.”

Manager: “Okay. I guess I’ll have to find a different check to cash…”

Me: “Deceased people can’t sign checks. Plus, this check is from 2015, so it’s way out of the 180-day range. Don’t cash the check! I smell fraud!”

Manager: *bursts out laughing* “Okay, well, it’s good that you’re checking everything! I think you’ll be just fine once we switch software!”

Me: “So, did I pass the test? I wasn’t sure if it was a curveball to throw me off.”

Manager: “Nope, just a training transaction that I have to shred now. You’re doing great!”

Me: “Hello, may I get you something to drink?”

Customer: “I’d like a Coke, please.”

Me: “Is Pepsi all right?”

(I always make a point of asking this when people order Coke because we don’t sell Coke, and some people really dislike Pepsi.)

Customer: “No.”

(There is a silence. Finally…)

Me: “Would you like to order something else?”

Customer: “I’d like you to get me a Coke.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have any Coke. That’s why I asked if Pepsi was okay.”

Customer: “Oh! I thought you were just recommending it as the one you preferred.”

(I work in a museum gift shop that carries long, bendy, novelty pencils. Customers often tie them in knots and hide them in the display. Simply hilarious. If the staff doesn’t find the knotted pencils in a timely fashion and untie them, they become permanently bent and unsellable. I assume it is probably kids doing it, but one day I spot a grown-up adult man sneakily tying a pencil in a knot and attempting to hide it, and I get to use a line I have been saving for just such an occasion.)

Me: *in my best customer service voice* “Excuse me, sir, but when you’re done playing with that, can you also untie it?”

Grown Up Adult Man: *sheepishly unties pencil*

(Yessssss!)