(I am on a first date with a guy I met online. He works for a tree removal business. I teach high school biology. We are both pretty nervous but he is telling me about his job.)

Me: “I guess you learned a lot about tree species before you got your job? I’m more of a zoologist than a botanist.”

Date: “Yeah.” *laughs* “I could tell you a lot about trees. Like, palm trees are growing farther north than they ever used to.”

Me: “No kidding.”

Date: “Oh, yeah, and here there are a lot of oaks and pines that have to be taken out because it’s gotten too warm for them to survive. It’s intense how many of those trees have died in the last ten years.”

Me: “Global warming sure is scary.”

Date: “Global warming isn’t real.”

Me: “…”

Date: “There’s a concert next weekend that I’d really like to take you to.”

Me: “I don’t think this is going to work out.”

My grandmother passed away. My family and I cleaned out her home, donating some goods, throwing away some, and keeping some. Among those items kept was a tablet. My aunt gave me the password, and it was decided I would keep it.

The first time I turned on the tablet, a few weeks after she passed, I decided to snoop through what pictures, music, games, and other apps my grandmother had on there. I know, invasion of privacy and all, but inquiring minds wanted to know. I then went over to her Facebook and also opened the Facebook Messenger app. It turns out she had never opened or used the app before, and as those of us who use the app know, the first time you open the app, it sends a notification to your friends letting them know you’re now on the service, and they can contact you there. It also showed her as “online.” Not two minutes later, I — or rather, my grandmother — receive a message from my sister.

“Uhh… Nini? Hello?”

I quickly changed the status to offline, closed the app, and shut down the tablet. I haven’t touched it since. I then sent a text to my sister letting her know that no, her dead grandmother was not using Facebook in Heaven.

(I’ve been asked this question so many times. Customers often walk into the greenhouse looking lost. I ask if I can help them find anything.)

Customer: “Do you have any plants that don’t need a lot of water, can live in complete shade, and won’t die?”

Me: “A plastic plant.”

(I am in my sixth year of a fast food job, where I am on really good terms with the general manager. He speaks “Sarcasm” more fluently than I do, and that’s hard to do! The phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]; this is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My f****** food is f****** late, you f****** [slur]!”

Me: “Sir, if you will give me your name, I can look it up and see what’s wrong.”

Customer: “It’s [Customer]. Hurry the f*** up!”

Me: *looks it up* “Sir, I took your order ten minutes ago, and told you it would be over an hour as we are very busy and had a large order for a local business. At minimum, our delivery times are quoted as ’30 to 45 minutes’ at all other times.”

Customer: “You did not take my order, you lying [slur]! And it was a f****** hour and a half, you f****** [slur]!”

Me: “Sir. If you keep being verbally abusive, I will hang up.”

(The general manager is watching me from the office, curious.)

Customer: “I’d like to see you hang up on a customer, you f******–“

Me: *hangs up*

Manager: *amused* “Did you really just hang up on a customer?”

Me: “Yep! And 3… 2… 1…”

(The phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling—”

Same Customer: “DID YOU JUST HANG UP ON ME!?”

Me: “I don’t know. Did it sound like this?” *click*

(The GM looks half appalled and half like he wants to laugh. The phone rings again, and the GM picks up in the office.)

General Manager: “Thank you f—”

(All I could hear was yelling… through the phone, across the entire restaurant! CUSTOMERS were looking up from their meals in the seating area! Thankfully, it was too garbled to actually make out words… or the customer was having an apoplexy. The general manager listened for all of ten seconds and then hung up on the customer. He proceeded to void his purchase — which was going to be cash on delivery, so no refund needed to be made — and split the extra-large into fresh slices to put in the pizza warmer from which people can buy by the slice. Thankfully, the customer never called back again or came in, and the general and district managers were very good friends, so no one got in trouble.)

I was at the main register, and a man who is a known shoplifter came up and asked to see the manager. I called the night manager over, and the man complained that he thought the manager was following him around. The manager was polite, and didn’t accuse him of anything… but the man was very angry.

The next day, he called the store manager and complained about the night manager. So, the store manager yelled at the night manager for being “rude” to a customer.

Tonight, the same man came into the store. As we were told, we did not follow him around the store. But, as he left — without buying anything — we did notice that his previously empty backpack was full, and he set off the store alarm. And now we’re missing a ton of Red Bull.