(My hair has fallen out from chemotherapy, so I go to a wig place to purchase one.)
Salon Lady: “What color was your hair?”
Me: “Red.”
Salon Lady: “Are you sure?”
Me: “I’m positive.”
Salon Lady: “Let me see your license.”
Me: *shows license*
Salon Lady: “You definitely had brown hair.”
Me: “I’m tired. I’ll have to come back later.”
(Apparently, they card you if you want a red wig.)
(A coworker and I are restocking greeting cards by section. I am working on the “love” cards.)
Me: *holding up a card and reading the text aloud* “‘True love is life’s greatest adventure!’”
Coworker: “Nah, true love is s***ting with the door open.”
(Dear greeting card companies, I’ve got a pitch for you!)
(I work in a convenience store. You meet all kinds of weird or dumb people but this one, in particular, can’t grasp the simplest concept. This lady comes up with two two-liter sodas, both of which are part of a deal where you get both for one sale price, but they can’t be mixed and matched; they must be made by the same company.)
Coworker: “Your total is [amount].”
Customer: “That isn’t right; it should be [Sale Price]. Fix it. The sign says it’s [total].”
(I look over to see she has a bottle of [Soda #1] and a bottle of [Soda #2]. Anyone who knows anything about soda knows there are two major manufacturers. The sale doesn’t work with one of each.)
Customer: “Why isn’t it giving me the sale price?!”
Me: “Ma’am, those are two separate brands of soda made by two different companies. The sale price only applies to two sodas from the same company.”
Customer: “That’s just ridiculous! They both say two for [total]! I want that price.”
(This went back and forth for a while and we didn’t want to keep dealing with her, so we overrode the price to get her out of our hair. All this was over less than a dollar.)
(My store offers gift wrapping services. A few times a week, I have some version of this conversation:)
Customer: “I heard that you guys do gift wrapping.”
Me: “We do! What would you like wrapped?”
(The customer chooses paper, ribbon, etc., and prepares to pay.)
Me: “All right, it will take me probably about 15 to 20 minutes to wrap this, so if you want to continue shopping or get something to eat or drink and come back, that’s perfectly fine.”
Customer: “It will take that long?!”
(Then, I usually give some variation of “I’m the only one here, we’re busy right now, etc.” What I wish I could say: “Do you want me to make it look good, like you’re paying me to, or do you just want me to slap it together? If you were going to wrap this, how long would it take you?”)
(I am working with my fourth-grade cub scouts on an outdoor activity involving cooking over an open fire, building emergency shelters, and learning the “Leave No Trace” principles for being in the wild.)
Me: “The first principle of Leave No Trace is, ‘Know before you go.’ What do you think that means?”
(The kids scratch their heads for a moment. Then, one of them pipes up.)
Kid #1: “Be careful where you go to the bathroom?”
(I just lose it laughing for about five minutes before I explain that it means to know what conditions you are going to encounter, make sure you are prepared, etc. After I recover, we go on to the second principle:)
Me: “The next principle is, ‘Choose the right path.’”
Kid #2: “To pee on?”
(I tried to steer things away from the bathroom. But the next two were, “Trash your trash,” and, “Leave what you find,” which, of course, the kids also managed to turn into bathroom references. I tried so, so hard to be the serious adult here. I really did. But I had to sit down and laugh while facepalming for about five minutes straight. My scouts are a great source of entertainment.)
