I work in a high-theft area, and we often have issues with people trying to pass counterfeit bills. In my counterfeit bill training, the first thing I learned was that $100 bills from before 1996 are out of circulation due to not having any of the modern security measures, and if, for some reason, someone still has one, accepting it as payment — even if it’s not counterfeit — is against the law.

I’m helping a customer refill a prepaid card. She hands me a stack of hundred-dollar bills, and I take them and mark them and then check for ghosts, as I was taught. Out of habit, I check the dates on all of them, and I do a double-take.

I speak in a friendly “I know this isn’t your fault, but there’s an issue” voice.

Me: “Oh. I apologize, but I can’t accept this bill.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it’s from 1988 and should have been removed from circulation years ago. We can’t accept anything from before 1996.”

Customer: “Really? But I just got it from the bank!”

Me: *Trying not to laugh* “Oh! Well, I would like to know which bank is breaking federal law! You should change your bank!”

Customer: “I mean, I got it from the ATM!”

Me: *Holding back tears* “Well, then, you should take it to the bank, and they’ll sort this out for you!”

Customer: “Are you sure you can’t…”

Me: “Sorry, but I like my job. But I’m positive that if it’s all just an innocent mistake, then the bank will definitely be able to help you.”

After she leaves…

Coworker: “You know that’s probably fake, right?”

Me: “Oh, most definitely.”

Coworker: “You know the bank doesn’t replace fake bills, right?”

Me: “Oh, I know. But I’m not telling her that. She lied to my face twice. ATM? Really? When was the last time you got anything larger than a twenty from an ATM?”

Coworker: “Now that you mention it…”

My brother-in-law has stereotypical youngest child syndrome and, as such, thinks everyone else should pay for his necessities so he can spend his money on “fun” things. It does not matter that he makes more than either of his siblings or parents by a few ten thousand; he should be pampered. 

We invite both of my husband’s siblings to go out of town with us to my family’s cabin. The only catch is that they have to drive themselves. As the pretty, pretty princess, this means he will passengerize while she drives the three-hour trek. 

He also currently needs a root canal, which leads to this exchange. 

Husband: “[Brother-in-Law] wants to know if we will be paying for gas for them to get up there since we are having them drive themselves.”

Me: *Suspicious* “So, he wants to split the bills, then? I can figure out how much all the food is going to cost since our cars get the same gas mileage and we are technically traveling farther. There are no housing costs since it is well water and solar.”

Husband: “Uhhh… Well, he was hoping we would pay for their gas…”

Me: “Fair enough. [Sister] makes minimum wage and has to take time off for this so we can pay for her gas. I will Cash App her.”

Husband: “He wants it to go to him.”

Me: *Raises eyebrow* “Does she owe him money or something?”

My husband shrugs.

Me: “How about we give her cash, and she can give it to him if she wants?”

Husband: “Why?”

Me: “Because when we went to [City], we paid for everything but one breakfast, and afterward he said we should figure out ‘who owes who what’ like he didn’t owe us hundreds of dollars and then insisted on calling it even when I presented the bill.”

Husband: “…”

Me: “Because he convinced you that you owed him $500 for your dad’s Christmas gift — which was two times the cost of the actual gift.”

Husband: “…”

Me: “Because your brother currently needs a root canal, and somehow, gas money will be a couple hundred as a result.”

Husband: *Pauses* “I will talk directly to [Sister] about if she wants us to pay her gas money.”

The absolute nerve of that little rat.

I work for a pet-sitting and house-sitting company, and I had a new client on my schedule to take care of a dog for two weeks, three visits a day.

When I got to the house and went in, I saw a kid and thought the family must be running late leaving and hadn’t let us know.

Me: *To the kid* “Hi! It’s okay; don’t be scared.”

Then, I called out for the parents.

Kid: “They’re gone.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Kid: “You need to hurry up and make my breakfast and take me to school!”

Me: “What do you mean? Where are your parents?”

Kid: “They’re gone on their trip. Hurry up; I’m hungry!”

Me: “How old are you?”

Kid: “Seven.”

Me: “And your parents left you here alone?”

Kid: “Yeah. My mom told me you’d be by in the morning to make me breakfast and take me to school, in the afternoon to pick me up from school and make me a snack, and at night to make me supper.”

Me: “Where’s [Dog], the dog?”

Kid: “We don’t have a dog.”

Me: “When my boss came to meet your parents and get the house keys, she met a dog.”

Kid: “Oh, my mom borrowed the neighbor’s dog.”

OMG. I called the company owner and told her what was going on. Of course, she was flabbergasted and came over immediately. She tried to get ahold of the kid’s parents, but they weren’t answering their phones, so she called CPS [Child Protective Services] and explained everything when they arrived. CPS took the kid, got the parents’ information, and left.

The next day, the kid’s mom called the owner and left a rambling, screaming message.

Mom: “How could you turn my kid into CPS?! You broke our contract! We’re going to sue you for that! And we’re going to sue you for the cost of our ruined vacation!”

The owner called them back and told them that our agreement was to take care of a dog, not a kid, and that what they’d done was illegal anyway. She also pointed out that borrowing a dog for her to meet for the client meeting was deliberate misrepresentation, so good luck with a lawsuit.

She hasn’t heard from them since. I guess our pet-sitting service was cheaper than hiring someone to watch the child properly. We still can’t understand how this woman thought this would actually work.

Related:
Some Parents Are Way Too Comfortable Leaving Their Kids With Strangers, Part 3
Some Parents Are Way Too Comfortable Leaving Their Kids With Strangers, Part 2
Some Parents Are Way Too Comfortable Leaving Their Kids With Strangers

The restaurant I work at has a service where people can order food in advance and pick it up. We used to put it on labeled shelves so people could walk in, take their food, and leave. As usual, some people decided to ruin it for everyone and steal food that was not theirs, so we started keeping the bagged food on the counter and asking for the order’s first name. 

This does get a little complicated with orders for similar or common names, so we’ve started asking people to show us their online receipts before handing over the orders. 

One night, this man came in.

Man: “I’m here to pick up an order for [Name].”

Me: “We don’t have an order for a [Name]. Can I see your receipt, please?”

Man: “I left my phone in the car.”

But he vividly described the food, so I started to get nervous and went to check our orders on our system. Any sympathy I’d had vanished when I didn’t find any “[Name]” with his claimed order. Now it was clear that this man was trying to scam us for food, so I called a manager, who refused to make any food without seeing the online receipt.

She was much kinder about suggesting that he’d sent the order to the wrong restaurant than I would have been, but the man did finally leave.

Reading a Not Always Right story about a scam arrest warrant reminded me of the one I got.

Caller: “I have a warrant for your arrest that will be served to you tomorrow unless you make restitution today as we speak.”

Me: “I knew this was coming. But what is this restitution you are saying?”

Caller: “I can cancel the service of the warrant and your subsequent arrest tomorrow if you will pay, while we are on the phone, $450.”

Me: “How am I supposed to pay you cash over the phone? That’s impossible.”

Caller: “That’s not how it works. Are you on a cell phone?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Stay on the line, go to [Store], and buy $450 worth of gift cards, and I will tell you the next step.”

Me: “Ya know… Now that I think about this, I would get free room and meals, cable TV, and Internet. So. Why don’t you serve me and arrest me? I will gladly go to jail.”

Caller: “A**hole.” *Click*