I have the very unfortunate luck to have bad seasonal allergies during this world health crisis.

I need to run some errands that my grandma normally does, but it’s safer for me to go, instead. Today, my allergies are especially bad, even with my medication, but it’s my day off of work so I gotta tough it out.

I’m at the grocery store — with a mask on, of course — when a woman walks by me with a strong-smelling perfume. Certain scents bother me a lot, and lucky me, this is one of those. I start to have a sneezing attack. Yes, I’m sneezing into my elbow. When I finish, I notice that the same woman is glaring at me — without a mask, might I add.

Smelly Perfume Woman: *Sharply* “If you’re sick, stay home.”

Me: *Caught off guard* “I have allergies. I’m not sick.”

Smelly Perfume Woman: “And I’m the Queen of England. Leave.”

Me: “After I finish my shopping.” 

I briskly walk down a random aisle in order to get away before her perfume causes me to sneeze again. I think that’s the end of it. I finish my shopping and check out, no problem. While loading into my car, I end up sneezing again. Who’s walking by but [Smelly Perfume Woman]? Just my luck.

Smelly Perfume Woman: “Why the h*** are you still here?! You’ll infect us all.”

Me: “Says the person who’s not wearing a mask.”

Smelly Perfume Woman: “I have a medical condition!”

Me: *Under my breath* “Last time I checked, stupidity isn’t a medical condition.”

Smelly Perfume Woman: *Snapping* “You need to go home if you’re sick!”

She turns her nose up and struts off, leaving me with a raised eyebrow.

Me: “That really just happened.”

Related:
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 16
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 15
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 14
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 13
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 12

During the summer during the health crisis, I go for long walks or runs on a pedestrian trail near my home. One day, I hear a group of four twelve-or-so-year-old boys on bikes harassing a number of people on the trail. I mentally roll my eyes but try to ignore them until they decide to target me. Two of them pull their bikes sideways across the trail, blocking it.

Boy #1: “What’s the password?”

Me: “Move. Now.”

The boys begin moving before they’ve even thought; it’s obvious from their facial expressions a few moments later that they hadn’t made a conscious decision to obey, and now they want to save face.

Boy #2: “We just want to talk.”

Me: “No, you want to annoy people for fun. You’re bored. Find something better to do.”

Again, they start pedaling away before they even stop to think.

I’d never seen the kids before, but I am a teacher, though of college students. Voice of Command is a real thing. I may not be able to glare effectively while wearing a mask, but I can still issue instructions.

I’m on a coach travelling between cities. There happens to be less traffic than expected so we arrive at a certain stop fifteen minutes early. Five minutes later, two old women sitting next to each other start complaining.

Passenger #1: “Why have we not left yet?”

Passenger #2: “The driver must be slacking on the job! They’re all useless!”

Passenger #1: “And we’re paying them for that! Now we’ll be late!”

An old man sitting behind them decides to explain the situation.

Passenger #3: “Listen, the coach has to leave here at five and arrived fifteen minutes early. If it leaves on time, you won’t be late. Also, people who want to travel from here would miss it if it left before five and would have to wait an hour for the next one.”

Passenger #1: “They’re paying you to say that!”

The old man gave up.

My wife and I host a barbecue for us and my wife’s sister and her husband, our brother-in-law. My sister-in-law is okay, but I don’t like my brother-in-law and I’m not afraid to call him out on his selfish and controlling behaviour.

They show up late and empty-handed. My brother-in-law walks into the house without thinking to knock and immediately starts looking at his phone.

He spends most of the barbecue on his phone. We eat, drink, and eat some more.

We run out of food quickly, but to my surprise, [Brother-In-Law] offers to drive me to the shops to help buy more. When we are there, he even offers to buy some food!

We get back, I cook some more, we eat and drink, and eventually, it is time for them to go.

My wife and I tidy up and I start to sort through the leftovers and unused food.

Me: “Err… where did you put the ribs?”

Wife: “What ribs?”

Me: “The ones [Brother-In-Law] brought. There should be some more burgers and rolls, as well. I bought some nice sauces we haven’t opened yet; I can’t find them, either.”

Wife: “You don’t think [Brother-In-Law] took them, do you?”

Me: “No. No one would just take a load of uncooked food, right?”

It turns out that was exactly what he did. He hid the stuff he brought behind mine in the fridge so I would use his last. When we used some of “his” food, he took some of mine. 

My sister-in-law apologised to us a while after when he tried to pass off the stuff he took as his own. We see her occasionally, but we have nothing to do with him.

Years ago, my wife and I invited a couple of married friends over for an evening of socializing. My wife was into tea — I’m more a coffee guy— and she served some licorice tea. I’m a great licorice lover. In fact, I’m eating a small piece now, which triggered the memory of this story.

My Wife: “What do you think of the tea?”

Husband Friend: “It’s delicious. I really love it.”

Now, jump forward a year or so. We’re at a restaurant with the same couple and a few other friends. We’re ordering desserts, so my wife orders tea to go with it. Immediately after, the husband speaks up:

Husband Friend: “We were once at someone’s house and they served us licorice tea. It was the most horrible thing I’d ever tasted.” *Turning to his wife* “Where was that?”

Me: “That was our house.”

I don’t recall ever seeing a guy turn quite so red. The rest of us got a good laugh.