Vote Now For Fraud!

, , , , | Legal | July 22, 2018

(I am going door to door for a City Council candidate.)

Me: “Hello, I’m out today supporting [Candidate] for City Council. I was wondering if he could count on your support in the election?”

Voter: “You know it is illegal for you to ask me that. There is a reason they call it a secret ballot.”

(This isn’t true. It is completely legal to discuss who you are voting for with anyone as well as who they are voting for; you just can’t require someone in any way to disclose who they vote for.)

Me: “That’s all right. Just so you know, ballots need to be turned in by Tuesday. Make sure to turn yours in, and I hope [Candidate] has earned your vote.”

Voter: “Maybe he has; maybe he hasn’t. Would you be willing to give me $10? That might push me in [Candidate]’s direction.”

Me: “It literally is illegal for you to ask me that!

Makes You Wish You Could Just Die(late)

, , , , , , | Healthy | July 22, 2018

(I have just had an eye exam. This time I need mine dilated. The exam is good, and afterward, my grandma and I decided to head to [Restaurant] for breakfast. Note that, per doctor’s orders — and because I’m not stupid — I have my sunglasses on inside the restaurant itself. Any logical person would mind their own d*** business, despite there being a young adult sitting in a room with her back towards the window with sunglasses on. One lady, however, doesn’t get that and comes up to the table.)

Lady: “Why do you have sunglasses on?”

Me: *because it’s loud and I can’t hear well* “I’m sorry?”

Lady: “I said, ‘Why do you have your sunglasses on in here?!’ You’re high, aren’t you? You must be high!”

Me: *trying to keep a polite approach in the hopes that she leaves* “Ma’am, I can assure you, I’ve never even touched marijuana.”

Lady: “That’s what a pothead would say!”

Me: “So, because I have my sunglasses on inside, I’m a pothead, am I?”

Lady: “Yes, you f****** are! That stuff is bad for you!”

Me: “Certainly, because I’m allergic to the smell.”

(This is true. I get incredibly dizzy with the smell of weed.)

Lady: “You’re lying! You just had a blunt, and now you’re having a case of the munchies!”

Me: “Please, leave us alone.”

Lady: “Not until you leave!”

(I’m annoyed and have a headache from the noise, and my eyes are hurting, and I’m hangry. I move my sunglasses so she can see my eyes.)

Me: “THEY’RE BIG, NOT RED!”

(The lady, I guess not expecting a 4’11” girl to snap, stepped back and scurried off to whatever she was doing before. I can get not being a fan of weed — like I said, I have an allergy with the smell of it — but even if I had been smoking it, what good would yelling at me do? Sometimes just keep your opinion to yourself.)

Burping Gets You Some Hangups

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 17, 2018

(Due to being a small business owner, I get all types of spam calls, but due to the clientele and our cloud-based services, I can’t afford to not answer the phone, as it may be a client’s phone number I’m just not familiar with. A particularly dense and determined telemarketer calls me repeatedly from one of those “unknown ID” lines that are impossible to trace. I am getting fed up with them, and so is my girlfriend. She decides to answer the call since my attempts thus far to get them to stop have been unsuccessful:)

Girlfriend: *sultry voice* “Are you ready for something hot and satisfying?”

Telemarketer: “…huh?”

(My girlfriend lets out a low and guttural belch into the phone and hangs up.)

Me: “You are disgusting.”

Girlfriend: “But effective!”

(She was right; they didn’t call back!)

The Cosmos Of Kindness

, , , , , , | Hopeless | July 5, 2018

This is one of those weird cosmic coincidences. Five or so years ago I was driving home from work and noticed a homeless girl, probably in her early 20s, standing at the exit of an underpass. It was the middle of a Phoenix summer in the afternoon, so this girl was braving near 115-degree weather, which is hot enough to cause heat stroke. Her shirt was in tatters, held together with safety pins, and she only had a rough-looking bag slung over her shoulder.

As I didn’t have any food or cash on me, I pulled over and talked to her. It turns out she’d been kicked out of her home by an abusive now-ex boyfriend, who had destroyed all of her belongings out of spite. I offered to get her some healthy food from a nearby grocery store, which she gladly accepted. In the end, I got her some healthy-ish meals that wouldn’t spoil easily — lots of dried fruits and unsalted nuts — vitamins, a new shirt, and tampons, as the poor girl had been without for several months. She was immensely grateful, and refused any further help from me. She went about her day, and I quickly forgot the incident.

Fast forward a few years later, and one of my roommates was in a horrible car accident. When I rushed to the hospital, guess who the EMT who got her in the ambulance was?

That girl helped save my roommate’s life, and I’ll forever be thankful to her for it.

Just goes to show you that kindness really can save a life!

Copay Or No Way

, , , , , | Right | June 23, 2018

(The office where I work has a fee for any cancellations with less than 24 hours notice. We also have a policy to collect copays up front at the time of service. Both of these policies are par for the course in the offices in our area.)

Patient: *hands me her insurance card*

Me: “Okay, it looks like you have a $10 copay.”

Patient: “I don’t have any money!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we do require that you pay your copay at the time of your visit.”

Patient: “Well, I have no money, so I can’t pay you anything.”

Me: “Okay… Let me check with my manager to see what we can do.”

Patient: “Never mind! I don’t have time for this!” *turns and leaves our office*

Me: “Okay, then.” *bills her the $25 cancellation fee, instead*

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