Doesn’t Quite Get The Prints-iple

, , , , | Right | March 22, 2019

(I’m busy working on a painting in the back of my art gallery when an older woman comes in. My painting area is obvious, in full view of the front, so anyone coming in can see what’s going on between the two extremely wide aisles. The woman is somewhat shabbily dressed, but I have no judgments because I’ve previously sold pieces to people in all kinds of clothes, clean or dirty. She’s looking at the paintings on the walls and after giving her a while to look around, as is customary, I walk towards the front to ask if she has any questions or needs help with anything. The woman does not look at me once during the following conversation. Zero eye contact.)

Me: “Welcome to [Name] gallery. Is there anything I can help with?”

Customer: “Not really, but these are very nice prints.”

Me: “Well, actually they’re original paintings, not prints. I do have a couple of print bins at the end of the middle aisle if you are looking for a print.”

Customer: “Well, they look like prints to me. I should know.”

Me: “No, they’re original paintings, all done with brush and paint.”

Customer: “Right.” *smiles sweetly* “Well, you don’t really know. You’re just an employee, after all.”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I know for a fact because I own the gallery and those are my paintings you’re looking at.”

Customer: “Well, how would I know if they’re not reproductions and you’re just trying to rip people off?”

Me: *trying to be patient and educate her* “For one thing, if you look closely, there are built-up areas of paint in different spots. As well, I can show you the back of the painting if you’d like, so you can see where the paint is on the sides of the canvas and some is actually on the back as well. I only sell prints on paper, not canvas. My originals are always in frames. I never frame the prints, they’re always in the bins so it’s easy to flip through them.”

Customer: “Oh, only originals are in the frames. Okay.”

Me: “That’s right, but if you’re looking for prints, the print bins are at the end, just down there.”

Customer: “Hmm, no, I don’t want any prints. I only buy originals.”

(I watch her for a couple seconds more and then go back and keep working on the painting, but keep an eye on her. She never once goes to the bins to look at any of the prints or even glances my way while I’m obviously painting an original. As she’s leaving:)

Customer: “Well, thanks for the information. I really do like the prints you have up.”

Me: “… “

Netflix Releases The Ted Bundy Tapes, And Then…

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 5, 2019

My university is close to my childhood home, so to save money I live at home with my parents rather than at dorms or on campus. My major has mostly final projects instead of tests, and on this particular Saturday night, I am focusing on editing a video due on Monday. My parents decide to go out with some of our neighbors, so I’m home alone. It’s winter, but other than being cold, the weather is pretty nice and clear.

While I’m working on editing the video, the power suddenly goes out.

My first thought: “Serial killer.” I quickly dismiss the thought as paranoid and silly and close my laptop to conserve power since its battery life is too atrocious to use the editing program without it being plugged in. Frustrated I can’t work on it right now, I get up to look out the front window. I can’t see any of the houses on our side of the street from the windows, only the houses across the street.

First thing I notice: all the neighbors across the street have their lights on.

Once again, I think, “Serial killer.” Now convinced someone cut the power to my house specifically, I quickly grab my hoodie and pull on my boots while calling for my dog. When we get outside I see someone jogging up to me along the sidewalk, and I realize it’s the high school son of the neighbors my parents are out with. I also realize none of the houses on our side of the street have power. Turns out he’d looked out his window, saw the only other houses he could see still had lights, and had the exact same “serial killer” thought process I did.

We seek shelter with the couple across the street and call our parents to alert them the situation. They happen to be heading back, and tell us they passed a car crashed into a power pole near our neighborhood. It just happened to take out only our side of the street. Since I still have to work on my final project and my laptop needs to be plugged in to work on it, our neighbors graciously let me work on it at their house, even after they go to bed. The power comes back on around eleven, and I return home soon afterward.

When I mention the “serial killer” thought process to my parents, my dad teases me about watching too many murder shows, but I still say it’s a logical conclusion when the only other houses you can see still have power.

Don’t Worry; Pizza Makes Everything Better

, , , , | Right | November 26, 2018

(I’m the dopey customer. I ordered a pizza and soda for lunch — nothing unusual so far. I see the driver pull up, so I go to the door and open it so he doesn’t have to ring or knock. I keep trying to take the thermal bag from him, not grabbing it, just holding my hands out toward it. He’s trying to hand me the soda, and then the penny drops.)

Me: “You give me the soda, and then a box comes out of there?”

Driver: “Long day?”

Me: “Yes.”

Driver: “Hopefully the pizza makes it better.”

“Star Wars: The Halloween Special” Deemed Almost As Bad As “The Phantom Menace”

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2018

(A boy and girl are going around the neighborhood, trick-or-treating. The boy is dressed as a Jedi Knight, the girl as Princess Leia. They go up to one house and ring the bell. When the door opens.)

Kids: “Trick or treat!”

Boy: “May the force be with you!”

(The homeowner pulls back the bowl of candy, and gestures with his hand at the boy.)

Adult: “These aren’t the treats you’re looking for.”

(The girl started to cry.)

Gives New Meaning To “Thick As Thieves”

, , , , , , | Legal | November 16, 2018

My stepdad currently works for a national pizza chain as a delivery driver. It is no secret that people intent on stealing from pizza delivery drivers will call in fake orders, and when the driver shows up, they take money and sometimes even the car the person is driving.

My stepdad got one those orders one night. He showed up at the house and was held at gunpoint, and thieves took the car and what little cash he had on him.

After two weeks of my mom thinking they would not get their car back, my stepdad called from work and told my mom he was on his way to pick her up. Come to find out the two idiots who stole the car two weeks prior had attempted to sell it.

While they were trying to sell the car, they told the person that they were trying to sell it to that they had stolen it from a pizza delivery driver for the company my stepdad worked for. The guy got the idiots to let him take it for a test drive, and when he was far enough away he found the registration to the car and called all the [Pizza Chains] in the area until he tracked down my stepdad and returned the car to him and my mom.

Let this be a lesson to all criminals: if you are going to try and sell a stolen car — or anything for that matter — do not mention it is stolen and from whom you stole it.

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