A National Irony

, , , , | Related | October 4, 2019

While on break from a statewide high school ceremony, my family got to watch as several hundred people were officially made US citizens at the courthouse across the street. It was a very moving ceremony for not only the participants, but we spectators were reminded of the greatness of this country and the spirit of the American dream.

At the conclusion of the ceremony, the participants were paraded out to a very American Bruce Springsteen song. My daughter asked me why I was laughing. 

“Because,” I said, “none of these folks were Born in the USA.”

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Fresh In From The Fields Of Blue

, , , , , | Working | September 25, 2019

(I pull up to a fast food restaurant. The menu has three choices for slushies: fruit punch, blue raspberry, and sweet peach.)

Me: “I’d like a medium raspberry slushie.”

Worker: “We don’t got raspberry.”

Me: “Oh, are you out?”

Worker: “We’ve never had raspberry.”

Me: “Do you have the other flavors?”

Worker: “What other flavors?”

Me: “The ones other than raspberry: fruit punch and peach.”

Worker: “We’ve got fruit punch, blue raspberry, and sweet peach.”

Me: “So, you do have the raspberry; that’s what I want.”

Worker: “We don’t have raspberry. You want the blue one?”

Me: *pause* “Yes.”

(I was so tempted to ask her, “So, just what flavor do you think the one with ‘raspberry’ in the name is?” But then I realized that if she didn’t already know that “blue raspberry” is supposed to be raspberry, pointing it out wouldn’t do much good. Or maybe she’s cleverer than I and knows that “blue raspberry” flavoring has nothing in common with actual raspberry?)

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Unfiltered Story #161888

, , , | Unfiltered | September 1, 2019

(I have just gotten off my fourth 12 hour shift working for a game at a convention where I dress in a rubber monster suit and let players dressed as space marines shoot me with pellet guns. I am tired and sore as I slump into a booth next to a table of cosplayers dressed as characters from a webcomic)

Waitress, with a strong southern accent: You look tired, hon. What’ll you have?

Me: A peanut butter milkshake and the largest burger you have.

(The milkshake comes, and I lose myself in a book I picked up on my lunchbreak. About fifteen minutes later, I’ve finished the drink but the burger still hasn’t come. I don’t care, because I’m getting to sit down)

Waitress: Sorry it’s taking so long.

Me: That’s fine, it’s busy with the convention. If you don’t mind me here, I don’t mind the wait.

Waitress: Let me get you some water, baby.

Cosplayer: “What’s a water baby? She talks funny.”

(I rise up to my full 6’3″ height and use my best monster voice)

Me: I am tired. I am hungry. I just spent four days letting random people shoot at me. This woman is being polite and an excellent waitress, despite me having to wait so long for my food. Keep it up, and I’ll solve the problem by cooking and eating YOU.

(The table suddenly found their sodas fascinating, and left soon after, but didn’t make another peep until then. My food comes, and then…)

Me: I’m ready for the check, when you have a minute.

Waitress: Oh no, sweetie, someone as nice as you shouldn’t have had to wait so long for their food. You’re comped.

Me: Wait, no check? I was going to tip on my debit card… I only have two dollars cash on me, and you deserve much more. You’ve been amazing.

(She took it and told me not to worry about it. Waitstaff who put up with large crowds of geeks so kindly deserve all the love in the world!)

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Unfiltered Story #154632

, , , | Unfiltered | June 10, 2019

Customer: Can I have a snack wrap and a small fry
Me: Ok, that’ll be $2.38
Customer: *yells to other employee* Can I use your discount
Other employee: Yes *types in code*
Me: Ok, your total is $1.90
*customer swipes card, it declines, pays with cash*
*drive thru was going extremely slow, so we had to remake a plain sundae.
Co worker sits ice cream down on counter. Customer picks up the ice cream and walks away*
Customer: *she comes back to the counter* Can you make me a new sundae?
Me: No, you didn’t pay for that one
Customer: What are you getting smart for?
Me: I’m not. I’m just not making you something you didn’t pay for.
Customer: I will spit on you. You don’t know me.. *this went on for 10 mins*

I’ll Call You Daddy For Twenty Bucks

, , , , , | Right | April 23, 2019

(I’m driving for Uber, taking a rider to a concert. He’s texting as I drive.)

Customer: “Hey, [My Name], we’re friends now, okay? I’m telling everyone that a friend is giving me a ride.”

Me: *playing along* “Okay, ‘friend,’ can I borrow twenty bucks?”

Customer: “If I give you money, you’re one of my kids.”

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