He’ll Be Floored When He Realizes Where He Is

, , , | Right | November 12, 2020

I work at a hotel downtown; we get our fair share of drunks. A drunk guy is sleeping on one of our lobby couches. I wake him up.

Me: “What room are you in?”

Guest: “1305.”

Me: “We don’t have one of those.”

We have no thirteenth floor.

Guest: “1805.”

Me: “We don’t have one of those.”

We have no 05 rooms.

Guest: “Oh, 2805!”

Me: “We don’t have one of those.”

We only have nineteen floors, and still no 05 rooms.

Me: “Are you in the right hotel?”

Guest: “Yeah! Just take me to 28!”

Me: “We still don’t have one of those. Can I see your room key?”

We spent twenty minutes explaining to him why he couldn’t go to his room in our hotel and then I had to physically escort him to his correct hotel a block down.

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Doesn’t Have A Mortgage, Or A Clue

, , , , , | Right | May 28, 2020

I am a receptionist at a local mortgage company. Answering the phones is always a bit of a minefield. This happened to me this morning.

Me: “Good morning, this is [Company]!”

Caller: *Angrily* “Who is this?”

Me: “This is [Company].”

Caller: *Angrier* “I don’t have a mortgage!”

Me: “Oh, were you calling to talk to one of our loan officers?”

Caller:I’m not selling my house! Why did you call me?!

Me: “Well, ma’am, you called us. Were you trying to speak to anyone in particular or did anyone call you from this number?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “Well, have a great day!”

Caller: “No!” *Hangs up*

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Not Nuts About Your Experiment

, , , , | Right | March 3, 2020

(Our ice cream shop regularly gives free samples to customers making difficult decisions among the flavors.)

Customer: “Could I try the pistachio?”

Coworker: “Sure. Here you are.”

Customer: “Hmm. Get me a scoop of the cappuccino.”

(My coworker starts scooping the coffee ice cream while the customer tastes the pistachio.)

Customer: “Oh, s***. I can’t taste anything.”

Me: “What happened? Are you okay?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s okay. I just have a nut allergy, that’s all. But don’t worry; I didn’t actually bite down on the nut, so I’ll be perfectly okay.”

Me: “Oh… is there anything I can do for you? Do you have an EpiPen or something?”

Customer: “No, no. I did it on purpose. I just wanted to see what would happen to me.”

Coworker: “Okay… your total is $3.48… Have a nice day.”

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Monstrous Behavior Calls For Monstrous Treatment

, , , , , , | Right | January 9, 2020

(I have just gotten off my fourth 12-hour shift working for a game at a convention where I dress in a rubber monster suit and let players dressed as space marines shoot me with pellet guns. I am tired and sore as I slump into a booth next to a table of cosplayers dressed as characters from a webcomic)

Waitress: *with a strong southern accent* “You look tired, hon. What’ll you have?”

Me: “A peanut butter milkshake and the largest burger you have.”

(The milkshake comes, and I lose myself in a book I picked up on my lunch break. About fifteen minutes later, I’ve finished the drink but the burger still hasn’t come. I don’t care, because I’m getting to sit down.)

Waitress: “Sorry it’s taking so long.”

Me: “That’s fine; it’s busy with the convention. If you don’t mind me here, I don’t mind the wait.”

Waitress: “Let me get you some water, baby.”

Cosplayer: “What’s a water baby? She talks funny.”

(I rise up to my full 6’3” height and use my best monster voice)

Me: “I am tired. I am hungry. I just spent four days letting random people shoot at me. This woman is being a polite, excellent waitress, despite me having to wait so long for my food. Keep it up, and I’ll solve the problem by cooking and eating you.”

(The table suddenly find their sodas fascinating, and they leave soon after but don’t make another peep until then. My food comes, and then…)

Me: “I’m ready for the check when you have a minute.”

Waitress: “Oh, no, sweetie, someone as nice as you shouldn’t have had to wait so long for their food. You’re comped.”

Me: “Wait, no check? I was going to tip on my debit card. I only have two dollars cash on me, and you deserve much more. You’ve been amazing.”

(She took it and told me not to worry about it. Waitstaff who put up with large crowds of geeks so kindly deserve all the love in the world!)

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Welcome To The Stage, Ma’am-O-Gram!

, , , , , , | Healthy | December 20, 2019

During my regular mammogram, the doctor saw a lump that they wanted better images of, so I went to the clinic for the diagnostic mammogram follow-up. In my mid-forties now, I used to be an exotic dancer years ago, and I’m not exactly shy.

The nurse was getting me prepped for the diagnostic mammogram. This involved a couple of magic marker lines for orientation. She also applied some kind of metal sticker to point to the area of interest.

She turned to put a note in the file and told me, “Give me two shakes and we’ll get this done and over with.”

Odd directions… but I gave her my best shimmy, making sure that the sticker stayed attached to my swinging breasts.

She laughed so hard that she dropped her pen and needed a minute to recollect her professional cool.

Apparently, she meant the phrase “in two shakes of a lamb’s tail,” meaning, “in a short time.” She wasn’t expecting a show!

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