No So Street(sign) Smart

, , , , , , , | Legal | June 28, 2018

(My husband works for a volunteer organization that builds homes for people in need. They have a lot of problems with a neighbor who doesn’t want any of their trucks parked — legally — on the public street in front of his house. Despite the fact that he has a long driveway and a garage, he has somehow found a way to put up “No Parking” signs on his side of the street AND the opposite side of the street.)

Volunteer: “Wow, that was a long walk! I had to park all the way down the block and walk here.”

Husband: “Yeah… The neighbor across the street put up these ‘No Parking’ signs, so we are trying to work around it, even though we have to lug all of this construction equipment down the street.”

Volunteer: “Seriously?” *she inspects a sign, and makes a quick phone call* “These are not regulation signs.”

Husband: “What?”

Volunteer: “I work for the county office. The city has to put those up, and there is no record a ‘No Parking’ sign on this street.”

(She then proceeds to call the non-emergency police phone number, and by lunch an officer comes by to write him a ticket and to take the signs down.)

Neighbor: “I don’t want to look at those f****** trucks all day! You can’t make me take my signs down!”

Officer: “Sir, you can either take the signs down, or I can take them down and take you to the station.”

(Eventually, the neighbor took the signs down, glaring at the volunteers the whole time. I feel sorry for the family that will eventually have to put up with this guy!)

Taking You Into The Double Digits

, , , , , | | Related | May 20, 2018

(My sister and I are watching a TV show where children perform difficult mental tasks. In this round, they have to perform a series of calculations within a certain time limit. This contestant gives one answer just before the clock runs out, and the emcee is starting to give the next question:)

Em-Cee: “Nine thousand …” *timer runs out* “Time’s up!”

Sister: “Nine thousand times up? I wasn’t aware ‘up’ was a digit.”

Me: *gives her a thumbs-up* “Here’s a digit that’s ‘up.'”

Sister: *holds up middle finger* “Here’s another.”

The New Jurassic Park Is Now In Indianapolis

, , , , | Right | April 30, 2018

(I work in a zoo. We offer free dolphin show tickets for the guests, and many times we run out. On this day, a customer comes up to my ticket booth.)

Guest: “Are there any more dolphin show tickets left?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

Guest: “Oh, that’s okay. What about the raptor show?”

Me: “Um, I don’t think we have those shows anymore.”

(Considering raptors have been extinct for quite some time…)

They’re Trumpeting The Wrong Noise

, , , , | Right | March 16, 2018

Customer: “Do you guys buy instruments?”

Me: “Yes, what do you have?”

Customer: “A trumpet; it’s out in the car.”

Me: “Okay, bring it in and we’ll see what we can do.”

(The customer leaves and comes back in with a band instrument case.)

Me: “Let’s have a look.”

(I open the case and pause for a moment.)

Me: “Hey, can you come take a look at this saxophone?”

Making A Boob Of Yourself, Part 2

, , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(In the parking booth on a night of an event:)

Me: “Welcome to [Zoo]. Are you a zoo member?”

Customer: “No. How much is it?”

Me: “It’s [price].”

Customer: “Seriously? What if she shows your her boobs? Can we get a discount?”

Me: “Sorry, not today; it’s still [price].”

Customer: *pays and drives off*

 

Related:

Making A Boob Of Yourself

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