Don’t Worry; Pizza Makes Everything Better

, , , , | Right | November 26, 2018

(I’m the dopey customer. I ordered a pizza and soda for lunch — nothing unusual so far. I see the driver pull up, so I go to the door and open it so he doesn’t have to ring or knock. I keep trying to take the thermal bag from him, not grabbing it, just holding my hands out toward it. He’s trying to hand me the soda, and then the penny drops.)

Me: “You give me the soda, and then a box comes out of there?”

Driver: “Long day?”

Me: “Yes.”

Driver: “Hopefully the pizza makes it better.”

“Star Wars: The Halloween Special” Deemed Almost As Bad As “The Phantom Menace”

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2018

(A boy and girl are going around the neighborhood, trick-or-treating. The boy is dressed as a Jedi Knight, the girl as Princess Leia. They go up to one house and ring the bell. When the door opens.)

Kids: “Trick or treat!”

Boy: “May the force be with you!”

(The homeowner pulls back the bowl of candy, and gestures with his hand at the boy.)

Adult: “These aren’t the treats you’re looking for.”

(The girl started to cry.)

Gives New Meaning To “Thick As Thieves”

, , , , , , | Legal | November 16, 2018

My stepdad currently works for a national pizza chain as a delivery driver. It is no secret that people intent on stealing from pizza delivery drivers will call in fake orders, and when the driver shows up, they take money and sometimes even the car the person is driving.

My stepdad got one those orders one night. He showed up at the house and was held at gunpoint, and thieves took the car and what little cash he had on him.

After two weeks of my mom thinking they would not get their car back, my stepdad called from work and told my mom he was on his way to pick her up. Come to find out the two idiots who stole the car two weeks prior had attempted to sell it.

While they were trying to sell the car, they told the person that they were trying to sell it to that they had stolen it from a pizza delivery driver for the company my stepdad worked for. The guy got the idiots to let him take it for a test drive, and when he was far enough away he found the registration to the car and called all the [Pizza Chains] in the area until he tracked down my stepdad and returned the car to him and my mom.

Let this be a lesson to all criminals: if you are going to try and sell a stolen car — or anything for that matter — do not mention it is stolen and from whom you stole it.

Might Not Just Be The Drinks They’re Sharing

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2018

(I am a cashier at a small, gourmet grocery store. Two men approach my register, each with a drink they wish to purchase. They place both drinks on the register counter and move towards the card reader.)

Me: “Are you two together?”

Man #1: “Oh, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that.”

Man #2: “No, we’re just friends! Just friends!

Me: “Sorry, I meant, ‘Will the drinks be paid for in one transaction?'”

Man #1: “Oh, yes.”

Front End Manager: *muttering two registers behind me* “Thou protesteth too much.”

Unfair For The Fairer Sex

, , , , , , | Working | September 13, 2018

(My husband and I are both ex-Navy. We met while we were both serving aboard the same ship. Both of us still have and wear our official ship ball caps and cruise jackets. This incident takes place on Veteran’s Day. We are at a restaurant with our son, who is 15. We have just finished eating, and the waitress has brought us the bill. It must be noted that while we have our “gear” showing we’re veterans, we did not ask for the free dish offered to veterans.)

Waitress: *to my husband* “Since I see you’re a veteran, I went ahead and gave you your meal for free.”

Son: “My mom was in the Navy, too. “

Waitress: “Oh.” *to me* “Do you have your military ID?”

Me: “You know, I’ll just pay for mine.”

Waitress: “Well, I can’t give you the free meal without military ID. It’s policy.”

Me: “You didn’t ask for my husband’s military ID.”

Waitress: “Well, he has legitimate military gear. I’ve seen those jackets before and know they’re real.”

Me: “Like this jacket?” *pointing to mine, which looks exactly like my husbands*

Waitress: “Oh… Well… I’ll do it just this once, but next time you need your ID.”

Me: “You know what? Never mind. I didn’t ask for it in the first place. You go ahead and leave it on there. But just so you’re aware, this is the 21st century, and women do serve in the military right along with men.”

(No, I did not get the free Veteran’s Day meal, and no, she did not get a tip, either.)

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