I’m an avid player of “Dungeons & Dragons”, and among my group of online friends who play, we rotate who’s the Dungeon Master. It’s currently my turn, and I run a very “no holds barred” style of gameplay. I reward creative planning and encourage goofy roleplay, and when building characters, I allow complete min-max nonsense, with the understanding that threats will be scaled accordingly. Fortunately, they like “big numbers”, so it overall works out.

The current storyline isn’t all that complex; it involves their mercenary group being sent after some pirates. Nautical nonsense and high-seas adventure ensue, there’s some surprisingly clever use of character abilities, and a good time is had by all. At least until after one game, one of the players messages me.

Player: “You gotta stop with the political nonsense.”

Me: “Uh, there’s no politics going on right now? The Kraken you fought wasn’t even a registered voter.”

Player: “You know what I’m talking about! The captain!”

Me: “What’s wrong with them?”

Player: “THAT!”

Me: “…What?”

Player: “Stop saying ‘they’. Use ‘he’ or ‘she’!”

Me: “Oh, that’s going to be confusing in a hurry. You did notice they’re a Changeling, and they shapeshift into a new body basically every scene, half the time swapping genders?”

Player: “Look, I don’t play this to get some woke nonsense shoved down my throat. Just make it normal.”

Me: “Ha, okay! So, you’re okay with the two players whose characters are a gay couple, you’re okay with the ex-stripper-turned-Warlock, and you’re okay with a morally-gray matriarchy, but having a character that is both mentally and physically gender fluid by nature of their species is ‘woke nonsense’?”

Player: “Is this really the hill you’re gonna die on?”

Me: “I’ll tell you what. I’ll message the group and see if everyone else feels the same way. If it’s consensus that I’m being offensive, I’ll apologize and switch.”

Player: “Don’t do that. Just stop it.”

Me: “Oh? Do you think they’ll just call you a bigot?”

Player: “I’m not a bigot. I’m just saying I’m tired of people complaining about pronouns!”

Me: “Seems like you’re the only one complaining. Let me know before Saturday if you’re still playing or not.”

End result: he left the group. Then, it was revealed this person was not actually okay with the gay couple or the sexually-liberated-but-didn’t-screw-literally-everyone warlock; he’d just kept it to PMs. So, now, he’s completely blocked by all of us.

It’s a very busy Friday evening, and there’s a long queue for the ticket office at my local station.

The woman in front of me keeps up a long monologue for the entire time we’re queuing, declaiming loudly about how appalling it is that we’re all waiting.

Customer: “This is so unacceptable! It’s just a train ticket! Why is it taking so long? What’s wrong with people? Why can’t you hurry up? Why don’t people buy complicated tickets online? I’ve got a train to catch! Why am I waiting so long? What’s the hold-up? Why is this taking so much time? Hurry up! Some of us have places to be! Why should I have to wait? I just want a ticket! Can’t this go any quicker? How long do I have to be here? What’s the hold-up? For crying out loud! What’s the problem? What are people doing? I just want a ticket! My train’s due any minute! Hurry up!”

After several minutes of this, she finally reaches the ticket window.

Customer: *Slowly* “Yeah, I’d like a ticket to [City]… for, oh, tomorrow afternoon? A return ticket, I think, but I need to come back by [Town in the opposite direction], and I want to stop off at [City on a different line]… The website said it would be £150, but I only want to pay £10. Don’t worry, I’ve got all day.”

I missed my train.

Seriously, do some of these customers even hear themselves? Then again, if they did then we would have stories like these 11 Incredibly Ironic Encounters With Customers!

Me: “Good morning, how can I help you?”

Client: “Yes, my bedroom door doesn’t close all the way anymore. Could you send a carpenter to look at it?”

Me: “Certainly. And this started yesterday, or today, or…?”

Client: “No, this door has been iffy for about two years now. I figured I’d call.”

Me: “I see. Well, you are in luck. Our carpenter has an opening for [five days away].”

Client: “That late? Can’t he come any sooner? I mean, this is quite urgent, isn’t it?”

A customer wanted us to stay open an extra hour so he could pick up his business cards. I offered to ship them to his office overnight, but he refused.

Client: “You know, it’s inconsiderate to be closed at 5:00 pm. Some people just can’t fit that around their schedules…”

His speech became inaudible due to some loud, bassy noises.

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re not coming in clearly. Where are you?”

Client: “I’m at the theatre. The movie doesn’t even end until 5:30 pm. Case in point!”

Me: “Indeed.”

I used to work in a caravan dealership. We had this awful young couple buy their first van and all the kit to go in it. (It was clear that Mum and Dad financed it.) They stripped every single piece of packaging off of their items and then dumped it on the shop floor.

Couple: “Put that in your bin. We don’t believe in creating unnecessary waste!”

And they strolled out the door.