(I am working as a long-term sub for a teacher on maternity leave. It is an English class and we are reading Julius Caesar. While the kids are working on a different assignment, I mention something I just heard on the news.)

Me: “Hey, something you guys might find interesting: archaeologists just announced they found where Caesar landed with his army during their invasion of England.”

Student: “But… they didn’t have planes back then.”

Me: *bewildered* “Uh, no, but they did have ships.”

Student: “But why didn’t they just drive?”

Me: “You didn’t do well in geography, did you?”

(A man comes into our store trying to sell insurance. We are in Louisiana.)

Man: “Where is your corporate office?”

Me: “Arizona.”

Man: “That’s one state up, right?”

Me: “Arizona borders California.”

Man: “Oh, I’m thinking of Alabama!”

Me: “…”

(I’m guessing he probably doesn’t know where California is, either.)

Related:
In A State Of Confusion, Part 6
In A State Of Confusion, Part 5
In A State Of Confusion, Part 4

(My wife and child are going to a family wedding on her side in San Francisco. I can’t go due to work commitments. My wife never took my name after we got married, but my daughter has my surname. We were all born and raised in the UK but we are of Indian descent. When they reach passport control, the lady checks the passports:)

Border Control: “Has your daughter taken your husband’s name?”

Wife: “Yes, she has.”

Border Control: “Do you have the birth certificate with you to show the child is yours?”

Wife: “No, that has never been an issue before.”

Border Control: “Oh, didn’t they ask you for this when you left Pakistan?”

Wife: *rather coldly* “No, we actually came from the UK, and they said nothing.”

(The border control officer goes sheepish and mumbles an apology.)

(I want to visit a restaurant that’s on a street parallel to the ocean, but I’m not sure where it is, so I telephone the restaurant.)

Me: “I’d like to go to [Restaurant] tonight, but I have a question as to where it is. Am I right that it’s between [Street #1] and [Street #2] on [Highway]?”

Receptionist: “Yes, that’s right.”

Me: “So, is it on the east side of [Highway] or the west side of [Highway]?”

Receptionist: “Well, that depends on which direction you are coming from.”

Me: “It doesn’t matter which direction I’m coming from! I asked if it’s on the east or west. It’s either on the east, closer to the ocean, or on the west, the side farther away from the ocean. So, which is it?”

Receptionist: *click*

(After my meal, I reported the incident to the manager, who couldn’t believe this happened!)

(Several coworkers are discussing the upcoming local Celtic festival and Highland games. [Coworker #1] has been attending this event for years, as her clan sets up a booth. [Coworker #2] is our newest hire and is Hispanic. About five minutes before this is said, [Coworker #1] mentioned being from Scotland.)

Coworker #2: “Irish culture always seemed so rich and interesting; [Coworker #1] you are so lucky your family is from there.”

([Coworker #1] stops eating and just stares at [Coworker #2]; [Coworker #1] is clearly seeing red. [Coworker #3] and [Coworker #4] both put a hand on [Coworker #1]’s shoulders to hold her down.)

Coworker #3: “She’s Scottish, [Coworker #2].”

Coworker #2: “Isn’t that the same thing?”

Me: “Oh, s***, [Coworker #1], she doesn’t know what she just said!”

Coworker #4: “You really aren’t helping yourself, kid.”

Coworker #1: “H*** NO!” *struggling to stand up*

Me: “[Coworker #2], let me explain what you just did. Imagine if [Coworker #1] is Salvadorian and you just called her a Puerto Rican.”

Coworker #2: “OH, MY GOD! I’M SO SORRY. I didn’t know. Oh, God, no wonder you wanted to kill me. Oh, no. Please forgive me.”

(And that is how our lunch break turned into a quick history and culture lesson on the differences between the various peoples of the British Isles.)

This story is part of our Scotland themed roundup!

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