Say Bye Bi To This Coworker

, , , , , , | | Working | May 25, 2018

(I am a male. I work in a smallish admin team for a large engineering company. I am also bi, and while I don’t make an issue of it, I don’t hide it when referring to the gender of the person I am seeing. None of my colleagues have ever had an issue with this. until one day when I happen to mention that I am going on a date with a female friend of mine.)

Coworker: “I thought you were gay?”

Me: “No, bi.”

Coworker: “But you used to date [Male Ex]; you brought him to the Christmas party.”

Me: “Yeah, I did, but I am bi, not gay. [Male Ex] and I broke up a few months back, and I thought it was time to get back to dating again.”

Coworker: *confused stare* “So, you are still gay, but you are dating a girl, as well; is she one of those [slur]s?”

Me: *really?!* “No, she isn’t transgender; she is a woman.” *not going to attempt to explain trans/cisgender at this point* “I am bi; I date men and women. I find them both attractive.”

Coworker: *seems to be mulling this over* “Are your parents pressuring you? I think it’s wrong that some people are homophobic. Is that why you are ‘dating’ this girl?”

Me: “No… I am dating her because I find her attractive and I’ve known her for years.”

Coworker: “And she doesn’t mind that you are gay?”

Me: “Some people are gay, some people are straight, and other people are bi. I am bi. I like men and women. Oh, look! My lunch time is over.” *dashes from staff room*

(Apparently the idea is too much to understand, as she continues to refer to me as gay.)

Coworker: “Do you watch that Ru Paul’s Drag Race?”

Me: “No, I don’t really like drag.”

Coworker: ” I thought all gays liked drag?”

(Later:)

Coworker: “Gays have such good style. [My Name], will you take me shopping?”

(Later:)

Coworker: “Are you on that Grinderer thing? Someone said all the gays use it.”

Me: “Again, I am not gay, and I don’t think my girlfriend would like me using it.”

(At my last work’s night out, I had to explain to my girlfriend why one of my coworkers might try and check her for a penis.)

You Can Bite Me!

, , , , , , | | Friendly | May 22, 2018

(I’ve been feeling a bit ill, and my friend suggests I get some food since I haven’t eaten all day. The nearest fast food place has recently gotten self-service kiosks, which I really like using. After paying for my food, I go to the pick up area, and there are several other customers waiting. Three young boys, probably 12 to 15 years old, are stood flush against the counter, leaning over it and trying to claim every order the servers bring forward, loudly proclaiming that it is their food. The servers aren’t stupid, and do their best to work around them. One of the boys already has a bag of food; I don’t know if it is his or not. My order has some special food items in it, so it is taking a little while longer than most of the other orders. I’ve seen these jacka**es try and pull this stunt with about twenty people’s food by the time I see a server put my order together and bring it forward. One of the boys leans forward, grasping for bag.)

Child #1: “That’s mine. Give it here.”

Server: *doing their best to ignore him and keep food out of his reach* “Number 875?”

Child #1: “Come on, d**k. Give me my food.”

Me: *stepping forward, holding my numbered ticket aloft* “Me, thanks.”

Child #2: *reaching to grab food as it’s handed over* “Give it, b****!”

Me: *snatching it, drawing back, and giving these punk kids my best death glare* “If you try to take my food, I will f****** bite you!”

(I’m in my mid-twenties but I often get mistaken for being much younger.)

Child #3: “What did she say?”

Child #2: “She said if we take her food she’ll bite us.”

Child #1: “Please, you’re like twelve!”

(I take a step forward to challenge them, but they all take a huge step away, clearly wary I’ll follow through on my threat. I leave with my food and message my friend to tell him what just happened.)

Me: “You won’t believe what just happened.”

(I tell him.)

Friend: “See? I told you food would get you back to normal.”

The Power Of Gaming

, , , , , | Friendly | May 12, 2018

(My friend has the uncanny ability to call correctly on random chance in video games. I like to joke that it’s his superpower. These are just a few examples. Playing Mario Kart 8:)

Me: “Bullet Bill, Bullet Bill, please! I need a Bullet Bill!”

Friend #1: “Nope. Banana peel.”

Friend #2: “Oh, crap, blue shell!”

Friend #1: “You’ll be fine; you’ll get a sound box.”

(He is right on both counts. Later, we’re playing a game where the characters you get are random. We’re chatting as I pull up the summon screen.)

Me: “I hope it’s [Character].”

Friend #1: “Bet you it’s this one.”

(He taps the orb before I can stop him and starts the summon. The smoke clears, and [Character] appears).

Me: “What the f***?!”

(Playing a strategy game:)

Me: *explaining my strategy* “[Character] has a 78% hit chance; this’ll kill off the boss and then I can take the castle.”

Friend #1: “She’s going to fail so badly.”

(Not only does the unit miss, the foe scores a 1% critical hit chance and kills her, forcing me to restart the level!)

Me: *laughing and pushing my friend away* “You swore to only use your powers for good!”

A Misunderstanding Is On The Cards

, , , , , , | Working | April 8, 2018

(I am in a queue for self-service checkout machines in a supermarket I visit frequently. I only have a few items and no cash, so I have my card in hand. I approach an available machine and note the sign saying it is card only. When I scan the first item:)

Machine: “This machine can only accept card payments. Do you wish to continue?”

(I press “yes” and carry on. As I am about to pay, an assistant runs over.)

Assistant: “You can’t use that one!”

Me: “It’s all right; I have my card.”

Assistant: “But it’s card only!”

Me: “I know. I want to use my card.”

Assistant: “But it’s broken.”

Me: “It is?”

Assistant: “Yes, it’s card only!”

Me: “So I… can use my card?”

Assistant: “No, the card machine is broken.”

Me: “So… it’s cash only? Or will it not accept cash or card?”

Assistant: “It’s card only.”

(At this point I give up, turn back to the machine, and pay with my card. As I am leaving, the assistant tries to stop me.)

Assistant: “You have to pay at another till! If you walk out now, you are stealing.”

(I carry on, walking over to the security guard by the door.)

Me: “Excuse me. Could you just look at my receipt before I leave? I wouldn’t want her to accuse me of stealing.”

Guard: “Oh, not again. [Assistant]! If they pay by card, it’s okay! The machine accepts card payments!”

Ruler Of The Seven Kingdoms And The Eight Slices

, , , , , , | Working | April 6, 2018

(A conversation with a coworker has led us to talk about dreams where we do things we wouldn’t in reality.)

Me: “I can’t think of any dream where I was really evil or anything. But I guess I’ve stolen a few things. There was a taxi some years ago and, more recently, a slice of pizza from a dragon.”

Boss: *overhearing* “Did you just say you stole pizza from a dragon?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Boss: *short pause* “That’s why Daenerys attacked.”

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