(I live two minutes away from work. I’m pretty close with my coworkers who are in today, so even though I am on my week off, I decide to pop in. I am sitting with [Coworker #1] on his lunch break when [Coworker #2] comes out.)

Coworker #2: “Will one of you two come out here? Got a couple of obvious shoplifters hanging about.”

(I go so that [Coworker #2] can finish his food. I start asking about the moves that they have had to do. One is just finishing, and one is about to start.)

Me: “So, what’s going where with the men’s move?”

([Coworker #2] explains the entire move that I pretty much know about and may not even be in for, but it is an excuse to stand near the pair of shoplifters and look in their direction every now and then.)

Coworker #2: “…and ladies’ steelies on the back of there.”

Me: “Ladies’ steelies? Really? We barely have the stock for half of what they’re expecting us to put out.”

Shoplifter #1: “What did you just say about stealing? We ain’t stealing!”

Me: “Sorry? I said steelies, as in steel-toe caps.”

Shoplifter #1: “You said stealing!”

Shoplifter #2: “What did she say?”

Shoplifter #1: “Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

Me: “I was talking about steelies, but clearly someone’s paranoid.”

Shoplifter #2: “We ain’t paranoid!”

Shoplifter #1: “Well, maybe I did hear you wrong, so if I did I’m sorry.”

Me: “You genuinely did, so fair enough for apologising. Thank you.”

(The shoplifters started fumbling about, put the three pairs they were messing with back on the shelf, and left, mumbling about how the woman would need a half size, and we don’t do them. I’m sure it shouldn’t have taken three different pairs of the same style to figure that out, but okay.)

Me: “[Gardening Service]. Can I help you?”

Older Lady: “Yes, some sheep have got into my garden. I need you to come and get them out.”

Me: “Well, really you would need to call the farmer. Do you know where they came from?”

Older Lady: “No, but they’re in my garden. You’re a gardener. Fix it!”

(I popped round and shooed them out for her, but seriously, if they got into her car, would she call a mechanic?)

(I bag groceries at a grocery supermarket in my town. Premium customer service is our policy; baggers must help the shopper unload their items onto the conveyor belt, and then go bag them, and walk them out of the store to their car. This is the reaction as I approach a customer at my lane.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir! Can I help you unload your items?”

Customer: *angered* “No! Just go bag for me!”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

(I go bag as he hurriedly throws and slams his groceries on the conveyor. I stay within protocol and bag colds with colds, as I simply bag frozen peas and a quart of milk together. He comes up to pay for his stuff.)

Customer: “Are you an idiot? You aren’t supposed to bag frozen with refrigerated things!”

(He grabs the bag out of his cart and slams it onto my bagging station. Then, he stares at me and says:)

Customer: “Rebag it.”

Me: “I apologize, sir. Let me bag those separately.”

Customer: “You’d better.”

(I do it. Then, I bag a box of cereal with a plastic coffee mug, WHICH IS FINE. That is the worst thing in the world for him.)

Customer: “Just get out of my way and go bag horribly for someone else.”

Me: *smiling as I begin to walk away* “Have a great day, sir!”

(I wanted to sock him in the throat so badly.)

(My workplace is accessed by a short and very steep drive. I see a man in a manual wheelchair rolling down our driveway very fast. My coworker and I manage to grab and stop his chair just short of a brick wall.)

Customer #1: “Bloody h***! Thanks, guys. I thought I was going to smash into the wall there!”

Coworker: “What happened?”

Customer #1: “Ah, someone pushed past me too hard, and it set me to rolling down here.”

Me: “Well, I’m just glad that you’re all right.”

Customer #1: “Yeah, thanks to you two!”

(We’re about to ask if he wants us to help him back up the hill, or if he wants to wait here for someone to pick him up or something, when a second man comes over.)

Customer #2: “How dare you?!”

All Three Of Us: “Erm, what?”

Customer #2: “You should be ashamed of yourselves! You can’t manhandle people just because they’re in wheelchairs! My wife is in a wheelchair; would you just grab at her if you saw her? It’s disgusting!” *then, to the first customer* “I saw the whole thing, and will be a witness for you. You should prosecute them for assault!”

Customer #1: “I needed help, man. I would have crashed into the wall. I think I should be thanking them more, not trying to get them in trouble.”

Customer #2: “No! You shouldn’t thank them! These people need to understand that being in a wheelchair doesn’t make you incapable of looking after yourself; they shouldn’t have interfered unless you specifically asked for help.”

Customer #1: *long pause* “Okay. So, anyway…” *turns to us* “Thanks very much, lads. If you could give me a push back up to the road, that would be great.”

Me: “Yes, of course. we’re happy to help.”

Customer #2: “Well, if you won’t do anything, I will. I’m going to speak to the manager and get these people fired. They need to learn they can’t go around grabbing people in wheelchairs.” *walks back into the store*

Customer #1: *to us* “Do you think he’s really going to complain?”

Coworker: “It’s possible. People complain about some really weird things.”

Me: “Oh, well. Our boss is a decent woman; I doubt we’ll have any problems.”

Customer #1: “Well, I’d better go see your boss, too, just in case. I don’t want you getting in trouble.”

(When we got in the store, [Customer #2] was standing in the middle of the cashier area, yelling about how he didn’t want the stores employees grabbing his wife. Of course, we didn’t get in trouble, but [Customer #2] returned his purchases and said he’d never shop with us again.)

(I work weekends at a fast food restaurant to help out with the bills. This particular exchange happens when I am taking orders in the drive-thru one Saturday afternoon. Note: at this restaurant, meals include fries and a drink.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I need two chicken nugget meals, one with a vanilla shake instead of a drink, and the other with a lemonade.”

Me: *repeats order back, prepares to give total*

Customer: “Wait, wait, wait. Now, I don’t want chicken nuggets.”

Me: *almost positive that she asked for nugget meals* “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you need a different meal?”

Customer: *with increasing frustration* “No, my son wants the nuggets, but I don’t.”

(At this point, I assume she’s accidentally ordered the wrong meal for herself, so I cancel one of them and wait for her to order the correct one.)

Me: “Oh, all right. And which meal did you need, ma’am?”

Customer: “I already told you, I want the chicken nugget meal, just with no nuggets.”

Me: “So… just an order of fries and a lemonade?”

(Keep in mind, the price for fries and a lemonade is SIGNIFICANTLY lower than any of our meal prices, so there’s no monetary reason for her to order this way.)

Customer: *exasperated* “Yes! God, what is so confusing about that?”