Customer: “Excuse me. Do you have any regular French bread or just the European style?”

Me: *honestly having no idea what the customer means* “I’m not sure; let me ask coworker.”

(I call the question out to my coworker.)

Coworker: *clearly a bit baffled by the question himself* “Here, let me show you our options.”

(He goes out and talks to the customer while I go in back to do some of the nightly cleanup. Shortly my coworker comes back to finish his own cleanup.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], isn’t France in Europe?”

Coworker: *smiling knowingly* “Yeah, it is.”

Me: “Then what was she asking?”

Coworker: “I have no idea!”

(It’s a very busy evening in our small hotel restaurant in a rather rural area. An older woman, who appears slightly confused, walks in and comes up to me.)

Me: “Good evening. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Well, I was visiting friends in [Town about 25km away], you see, and I was on my way home when I must have lost my way. I don’t know where I am. I must have taken a wrong turn, and now I don’t know how to get back. Could you help me get home?”

Me: *already dreading that this will take a while* “Okay, so, now you are in [Town]. Where did you want to go to?”

Customer: “I live in [Place I have never heard of] and I know how to get there from [Town her friends live in], but now that I am here, I don’t know where to go. Can you help me?”

(I am thinking, “Well, you clearly don’t know how to get home from there, because otherwise, you wouldn’t be here right now, would you?”)

Me: “I could give you directions to get back where you came from; it’s quite easy to get there, and you will find your way back. Unfortunately, I am unfamiliar with your actual destination, so I can’t tell you how to get there.”

Customer: “Yes, please. Once I am back there, I know how to get home to [Place I have never heard of].”

(I give her the super simple directions; basically, go down the road that the restaurant is on in that direction, and then at the first junction go right, then take the first road on your left which already has signs for the place you want to return to, so just follow them. It’s really not that hard!. She still seems unsure, so I repeat the directions, adding more info like, “You pass by the train station that’s on the right,” and, “On the left and right, there will be loads of trees; just drive straight on through the forest,” thinking that maybe landmarks and such might be helpful for her. She still seems unsure, repeating her, “I know how to get home from [Town her friends live in],” spiel again. After I try rephrasing these very, very simple directions once more:)

Customer: “I am not sure. I am afraid I will get lost again. You know the way, so could you come with me in the car back to [Town her friends live in], and from there, I will be able to get home.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “No, I can’t just leave. I work here, we are pretty busy tonight, and I am in the middle of a shift.”

Customer: “Are you sure? You just have to come with me to [Town where her friends live]; from there on, I’ll manage to get home!”

Me: “Absolutely. I can’t leave. I can’t do more than give you directions, or I can let you use our phone to call a friend who can come here and drive in front of you, leading you back to the place you came from. Or, I can book you into one of our rooms so you can stay the night and drive back in daylight. That’s all I can offer you.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, then, I’ll try to find my way back. Hopefully I don’t get lost. It would have been great if you were able to ride with me. Thanks, anyway.”

(She walked out, leaving me still puzzled that she thought someone wearing an apron and a holster with a large purse around her hips, coming out of the kitchen, holding an empty tray, would have time to just leave a crowded restaurant because surely, I looked like someone with just too much free time on her hands! And anyway, which young woman doesn’t just jump at the opportunity to leave a well-lit place filled with people to get into the car of a total stranger and drive through a rather rural area at night? Surely, that has never been the beginning of something dreadful that ends with a horrible newspaper headline!)

(I am waiting to make vacation arrangements. The customer in front of me is being helped.)

Customer: “I’d like to take a vacation on [dates].”

Agent: “Certainly, sir! Where would you like to go on your vacation?”

Customer: “I’m going to Man-ass.”

Agent: “Where?”

Customer: “MAN-ASS!”

Agent: “I don’t know of any city by that name, sir.”

Customer: “I went there last year! Man-ass! It’s down in Bolivia!”

Agent: “Did you mean Manaus, Brazil?”

(She tilts her computer screen so he can see.)

Customer: “Yes! Man-ass! Can you get me there?”

Agent: “Certainly, sir.” *she types a few things into her computer, then prints a sheet of paper* “One trip to Manaus on [dates]; the price is [price].”

(The man cheerfully pays. As he leaves, he pumps his fist in the air.)

Customer: “Yes! I’m going to have a great time in Man-ass!”

(I have just returned from a year teaching at a school in Africa. I am about to move cross-country, but I am working at my old job for a few weeks before the move. For some reason, when my name tag printed, it added, “New to the family,” underneath my name. This has led to a few questions, but this conversation tops them all. It will be important to note that the woman in question is British.)

Woman: “Your tag says, ‘New to the family.’ How long have you been here?”

Me: “Well, I worked here for a year, but then I got a chance to teach in Africa for a year, so now I’m back for a bit.”

Woman: “Oh, Africa! Cool! Was it annoying to not have running water?”

Me: *not realizing exactly where this is going at first* “Well, we had running water most of the time. But it would go out about once a week, and that was pretty annoying.”

Woman: “I see. What about lions? Was it scary to have them walking down the street all the time?”

Me: *finally realizing what she’s thinking* “Well, even in the villages, lions tend to be smart enough to stay away from the villages of people who team up with weapons. But I was in the city, so we really didn’t have to worry about that.”

Woman: “Oh, let me enjoy my fantasy. You know, when I moved to America, I went to Montana first, because I wanted to pet some of the buffalo roaming down the street.”

Me: *somewhat startled* “Ma’am, petting a wild buffalo is about as dangerous as petting a wild lion!”

Woman: “Oh, whatever. I was so disappointed to realize that buffalo don’t just roam around in Montana. Just let me enjoy my fantasy about the lions in Africa!”

(“There are none so blind as those who will not see,” I suppose. After I got over being so startled, it was pretty funny. But it took me a bit to stop shaking my head at her wilful ignorance.)

(As a first-year high school student, I’m required to take a semester of geography. It’s the first day of school and as a fun exercise, my teacher gives us five minutes to list as many countries as we can that do not contain the letter A within its name. As a prize, the teacher will award five points extra credit to the student or group that list the most countries. I come up with what I believe to be a good list, but spend the entire time trying to rack my brain for more. Once that is done, the teacher asks us to get into groups and compare our answers before submitting them to her.)

Classmate #1: “This was really hard. The only country I could think of that didn’t have an A was Europe.”

Me: “Europe is a continent, not a country, so your answer doesn’t count.”

Classmate #2: “That’s okay. I wrote down Mexico as well as Mississippi, Illinois, New York, and Ohio.”

Me: “Mexico is good, but the rest are just the names of States. As far as I know, there isn’t a state today that is legally considered its own country.”

Classmate #3: “I have London, Sydney, and Tokyo.”

Me: *mentally banging my head on the desk* “Those are famous cities, not countries.”

Classmate #1: “Well, if you’re so smart, let’s see what you have.”

Me: “I have Mexico, Chile, Peru, Greece, Luxembourg, Belgium, The Czech Republic, Turkey, Morocco, and the Philippines. I was trying to name a dozen, but I couldn’t think of more before time was up.”

Classmate #3: “I haven’t heard of most of those countries. You sure you’re not making some of those up?”

Me: “If you don’t believe me, look them up yourself.”

Classmate #2: “Wait a minute.” *points to where I’ve written “Greece”* “You spelled that wrong. It should be spelled G-R-E-A-S-E.”

Me: “You’re thinking of the grease like greasy food you’d get at a fast food joint, or quite possibly the musical. The country of Greece is spelled the way I have it written down. What I want to know is have you guys ever look at a globe or a world map before?”

(I don’t know which was worse that class period: the fact that I didn’t get the extra credit because someone listed more countries that I did, or the fact that the answers from the think tank I was grouped with were considered the typical answers by the teacher.)