(I work in an English branch of a US coffee chain. Because we’re a naval town, US navy ships always stop here and the sailors come in for ‘a taste of home’…)

Me: “Hello, what would you like?”

Sailor #1: “One of your chocolate frappuccinos.”

Me: “Okay. What size do you want?”

Sailor #1: “Erm… can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Yeah, go on then.”

Sailor #1: “Are your frappuccinos made with ice, like they are back in the States?”

Sailor #2: “Yeah! Good point, man!”

Me: “Yes. Yes, they are made with ice.”

Sailor #2: “Is that British ice or do you get it, like, flown over from the States so it tastes the same?”

Me: “…”

Sailor #1: “Dude! Yeah! Is it going to taste the same as it does at home?!”

Me: “Why don’t you try it and let me know?”

Sailors #1 & #2: “Yeahhh…”

(Their ship was over for about a week and true to their word, they came back to inform me that their drinks did, in fact, taste the same as they did back home.)

Customer: “Do you sell any other calling cards here?”

Salesperson: “No, just the ones on that rack. Sorry.”

Customer: “I need to call the States and I don’t want to get charged for long-distance! I need a card that can call from Canada to the US!”

Salesperson: “Those calling cards can call to the US.”

Customer: “But it says they only work in North America!”

This story is part of our 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Travel Agency], this is [My Name], how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Um, yes. You’re located in Alaska, right?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Is that near Hawaii?”

Me: “No, sir. Not at all.”

Customer: “Yeah, I wanna talk to a manager. This map shows y’all are right next to each other, and I wanna know why one’s so dang hot and the other’s so dang cold.”

Me: “Sir, you’re actually reading the insets on a map of the continental United States. Alaska and Hawaii are several thousand miles apart.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

This story is part of the fourth Geography roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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(The customer is calling to book reservations for her family at a large Orlando theme park.)

Customer: “I want a hotel room with an ocean view.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; Orlando is located in Central Florida, and is not on the coast. Would you like me to book you a room with a view of the lake instead?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want a d***ed view of the lake. I know you can see the ocean from there! I’m looking at a map of Florida right now, and it’s obvious how narrow it gets there. The ocean is very close on both sides, so book me a d*** ocean view room!”

Me: “You might want to check your map for a scale. I’ve been to Florida many times, and Orlando at least an hour’s drive to the ocean. There is no way you can see the coast from the resort.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll just call another travel agent who’s actually willing to help me book what I want.”

Me: “Er… ma’am, if you can find an ocean-view room in Orlando I will personally pay for your vacation out of my own pocket. Good luck with that.”

This story is part of the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

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(I receive this call from a customer requesting website support.)

Customer: “I want to order from you, but it says that my state is ‘Invalid’!”

Me: “What state are you putting in?”

Customer: “‘The Great State Of Texas!'”

Me: “Are you putting that whole phrase in the box?”

Customer: “Well, it ran out of room after the ‘t’ and the ‘h.'”

Me: “When you put in the state on our site, you need to use the two-letter state code set up by the United States Post Office.”

Customer: “What do you mean by that?”

Me: “The United States Post Office has a code for each state and territory of the United States. Texas would be ‘TX.'”

Customer: “WHAT?! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO KNOW TO SEND IT TO THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS IF IT ONLY SAYS ‘TX’?! MY ORDER WOULD BE LOST!”

Me: “Actually, I’m pretty sure that the United States Post Office would know that ‘TX’ is ‘The Great State Of Texas.'”

Customer: *types it in* “Oh, look at that; it worked. Can you hold on for a second? I want to call the Postmaster of our town and confirm this.”

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