I used to work at a clothing store, run by a woman who would buy vintage and high end items, repair them, and then sell them in the store. We didn’t have multiple sizes of things and the only bulk items we bought were little trinkets and soaps, sometimes jewelry.

One day, when the owner had gone out to get more supplies, a couple walk in. The wife was on the wrong foot the moment she opened her mouth. She seemed to think we were her slaves, that she was queen of the world, and everything had to be in her size.

Her husband would grunt and repeat what she said in a more nasally aggressive voice. It was the longest two hours of my life.

We had everything organized by size, and did not have extras in the back. After explaining that for what felt like the hundredth time, I was about to throw a purse at her head.

Wife: “This is not my size. Why don’t you have my size?”

Me: “Maybe look at a larger size rack?”

Wife: “No, no, no! I am a two. I have always been a two. I was a two when I had my kids. I am a two now!”

Husband: “No. She is a two. A two. A two!”

The owner came in while the happy couple was shopping and asked me what the problem was because I had “that look.” I explained the woman was being picky.

Eventually the wife stormed up again, with a pair of pants, demanding I read her the size.

Me: “That is a six.”

Wife: “I am a two not a six. Why do I fit into these?”

Owner: “Those are a six. If you fit into them, then you are not a two.”

The wife got silent, turned to her husband, and waved the pants around.

Husband: “Now, listen here, I don’t like the way you guys have been helping my wife. She asks questions and gets attitude. You should use your eyes and actually look at the tag and see if there is a problem. She wants to know the size, tell her the size.”

Owner: “Sure. I will take a closer look.”

She puts the pants on the counter, pops out her glass eye, and holds it close to the tag.

Owner: “Still a six.”

The couple sputtered, waved their hands around like blind birds, and storm out. They left a huge mess I had to help clean up, but only after I spent twenty minutes laughing about it with the owner and the other cashier. 

She was the best boss I ever had. I was sad when I had to move for college.

I used to work in a call center on the night shift. Normally, on the day shift, I was tech support for a company based in Indiana, but during the night shift, I handled three different companies, one of which was the general helpline for San Diego. I got a LOT of strange calls on that line.

Me: “County of San Diego help desk, my name is [My Name]; how can I assist you?”

Caller: “Hi, uh, yeah, I was calling because I want to sign up to be an informant for the PO-lice for like murders and stuff. I don’t need a badge or a gun or anything, just something to record with. I’m roughly forty-five years old, good looking… Oh! And I’m a reverend…”

At this point, he rambled for about eight minutes about his physical appearance and life’s work without giving me a chance to actually speak or hang up. My coworker noticed I was having trouble.

Coworker: “You know, you can hang up on him if he keeps going.”

Me: *Muting the call* “Wait, seriously?”

I hung up on him and figured we’d never hear from him again. I was wrong. My coworker was then on a call for a long time, hung up, and suddenly started laughing.

Coworker: “You’ll never guess what just happened.”

Me: “You got a random call again?”

Coworker: “No, the guy called back and asked for [City Health Service], but I mistyped and instead sent him over to [City Psychiatric Service].”

He never called back, so maybe he didn’t get the help he WANTED, instead getting the help he NEEDED.

Throughout most of my working life, I’ve worked in IT. I’ve done it for myself for a bit and worked for a couple of local businesses. Of course, like any IT job, you’re going to come across your fair share of users and customers who are not so technically minded. But I find the funniest ones to be the simple terminology mix-ups.

Customer #1: “I need help with Microwave Word.”

Me: “…No problem, we can assist you with Microsoft word.”

Customer #2: “I need a cartilage for my printer.”

Me: “No worries, we sell ink cartridges for quite a few models of printers.”

Customer #3: “I need a fluffy disk.”

Me: “Yes, we can sell floppy disks.”

I used to work in an environment where some of my coworkers had grown up in a country that speaks English but has a very different culture. Phone calls requesting information were vastly different.

US Worker: “Hey, do you know who’s on-call from [Employee #1]’s team this weekend?”

Me: “[Employee #2].”

US Worker: “Great, thanks.” *Click*

With the others, however…

Other Worker: “Good afternoon, and how are you today?”

Me: “Fine. What can I do for you?”

Other Worker: “I am also fine. Do you have interesting plans for the weekend?”

Me: “Nothing special. What can I do for you?”

Other Worker: “I was given to believe that you are the correct person to call if I have questions that I might otherwise ask of our supervisor, [Supervisor]. Was I informed correctly?”

Me: “I’ll try to answer your question. What do you need?”

Other Worker: “Would you happen to know who is scheduled for weekend on-call duty for [Employee #1]’s team?”

Me: “[Employee #2].”

Other Worker: “[Employee #2]. I hear she is a strong choice. Thank you for the information. Have a pleasant weekend.”

Me: “You’re welcome, goodbye.”

My culture prefers efficiency when there is a simple goal of information exchange.

I’ve recently moved to Brazil, and while my Portuguese is good, I still make mistakes sometimes.

I’ve just gotten a smoothie from my aunt. I want to ask her, “Was this made with the milk powder without lactose?” as I am really intolerant to the stuff.

What I actually say:

Me: “Was this made with the milk powder without milk?”

That was slightly embarrassing but not too terrible… except when my boyfriend informed me, with a giant grin on his face, that to ask for just powder in Portuguese is slang for cocaine.

Luckily, my aunt knew what I meant, but I don’t think I’m going to live that one down for a while.