We have an employee-only app to allow us to locate items in store and check stock levels, in case a customer has a query we don’t know the answer to. With the current health crisis, we’ve stopped getting some of the more superfluous, specialised items in stock, so we’re getting more questions.

After already discovering that one of his queried items is out of stock, this customer has one last request while I have the app out.

Customer: “And I know your counters are closed, but could you possibly check for jellied eels for me?”

Me: “As you said, I doubt we’ll have any, but I’ll have a look…”

The app is almost overeager, for want of a better word, on figuring out typos, so sometimes it overshoots.

Me: “J-e-l-l-i-e-d e-e-l-s…”

The app’s search results come back… with nothing but an abundance of various lubes.

Me: “Oh, uhh…”

Customer: *Seemingly oblivious* “No, none of those look right. Thanks for looking, anyway!”

I work for a building society. They are notorious for having a high turnover when it comes to employees, but nevertheless, I stay as long as possible because I have just finished university and am trying to crawl my way out of my student overdraft.

We have something called “partial authentication.” If you enter a code, it means you only have to go through a bit of security instead of the full lot. It also means you can politely address the account holder by name, which I do because I’m that sort of British. It’s also my final day.

Me: “Good afternoon, [Caller]. You’re through to [Bank]; how can I help today?”

Customer: “I would like to go through a few transactions on my account and check the balance.”

Me: “Okay, then. Can you please just confirm for me [random security information]?”

Customer: “Why should I give you that?”

Me: “It’s just a bit of security so I can take a look at your account.”

Customer: “But you addressed me by name, so I’ve done security!”

Me: “Ah, sir, you have partial security enabled, so when you enter your code when the phone asks for it, it means I only need to do reduced security instead of full.”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to do that. I want to look at my account.”

Me: “I cannot give you your balance without first confirming security with you. To do so would be a breach of security policy.”

Customer: “I’m not doing that.”

Me: “Okay, sir, is there anything else I can help you with?”

We can give out product advice and such or transfer to sales without much security, so we ask this just in case.

Customer: “Yes, you haven’t helped me. I want my balance and to check my direct debits have gone out.”

Me: “Yes; however, you have chosen to not complete security, and therefore, I cannot complete that request.”

Customer: “But you addressed me by name.”

This carries on ad nauseam. I explain partial security. He states that I addressed him by name so he should not have to do security. I explain that I cannot do anything with the account until he does. This goes on for thirty minutes.

Me: “Sir, if you will not proceed with security, then I cannot take this call any further.”

Customer: “That’s it. I want to talk to a supervisor.”

Me: “Sir, they will only reiterate what I have stated many times.”

Customer: “Supervisor. NOW!”

I grab my supervisor and explain the situation.

Supervisor: “I’m only going to tell him the same thing you said.”

Me: “Would you believe I’ve told him that?”

Supervisor: *To the customer* “Hello, I’m [Supervisor]. I hear you’ve asked to speak to a supervisor.”

She listens.

Supervisor: “Sir, if you are unwilling to do security, then I will have to end this call. We cannot proceed any further if you refuse to do so.”

She ended the call.

Related:
Insecure About The Security Process

It’s been a few years since the Bank of England introduced its first polymer £5 notes. While I’m using one to pay for some secondhand books, the cashier notices something.

Cashier: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept this note.”

Me: “Why not?”

Cashier: “It’s torn. See?”

He shows me a tear that almost bisects the note where it’s been folded.

Me: “Oh, yeah. Didn’t realise polymer notes could tear like that. I don’t see why you can’t take it, though. As long as both halves have the serial number, there shouldn’t be any problem paying it into a bank.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept this. It wouldn’t be legal.”

I seriously doubted this, but since it was such a small amount, I didn’t press the issue and paid by card instead. Ten minutes later, I presented the torn note in a supermarket and the cashier accepted it without a murmur.

Our dinner service begins at six pm, and as we are a popular local pub with limited capacity — especially since health-related restrictions — we have to take reservations and very rarely can entertain walk-ins.

A customer walks in about ten minutes before dinner service starts and the first reservations are due in. It’s worth mentioning that we are going to be jam-packed; we are fully-booked and have been for weeks because of a government scheme called eat-out-to-help-out that gives heavy discounts on food.

Customer: *Demanding* “Give me a table.”

Manager: “Sorry, sir, we are fully booked.”

Customer: *Looks around blankly* “That table is empty. Can we have that one?”

Manager: *Calmly* “I can’t, sir; someone else has reserved it weeks ago. There is a reserved sign on it and the other tables, too.”

This goes on, with the man pointing out each and every table until he loses his cool.

Customer: *Loudly* “You’re all liars! You’re messing with me; out of all of the empty tables in the restaurant, you couldn’t even spare one?”

Manager: “We’re fully booked.”

He cranes his head over and down at the reservation book.

Customer: “Those two are sitting at a four-person table. My wife and I will join them.”

We had to explain that you can’t just invite yourself to sit at someone else’s table, especially during the rules on social distancing.

Eventually, the man got so frustrated and angry that he swiped his arm across the stand, sending the menus and the lamp crashing to the floor, before stomping out.

Later that day, we had a particularly creative TripAdvisor review from the man. It’s a shame we can’t get it removed, because he clearly had issues and was technically never a customer.

When everything starts going wrong with the health crisis and all the idiots are panic-buying everything their greedy little hands can get hold of, the rest of us have issues getting the essentials just to last the month.

I have been buying in bulk for a while before this happens, so luckily, we have some general supplies to last us, but even those are starting to disappear and I am getting worried.

With four of us in the family, certain essentials such as toilet paper are running out.

I ask at work if anyone knows of anywhere that still has some.

Coworker: “I bought loads a few weeks ago, still have over a hundred at home. Maybe try [Discount Place]?”

Me: “Yeah, I checked. They ran out.”

Coworker: “Oh, unlucky. It was really cheap at the time, too.”

I hoped he would share his; I would happily have paid. He knew I had small children and I knew it was just him and his wife at home.

But no, even with some of the other guys giving him a hard time about stockpiling — and many other things as well — his attitude was “tough luck, as long as I’m okay.”

I did manage to find some in the end and we managed to get through the worst of the shortages.

Months later, the same coworker messaged me. It turns out they only recently STARTED to use the rolls he bought. As soon as they did, his wife refused to use them at all because they were the hard single-ply you used to get in schools.

He tried and tried to sell them to me, first because of how I was “his friend,” then because of how much he “knew I was struggling,” and then because my kids “wouldn’t care if it was a bit thin.”

I thanked him for the offer, but I had things sorted. In fact, I had the OPPOSITE problem; I had to buy such luxury paper that I couldn’t even fit it in my holder. And I told him that no, I wasn’t going to swap, but he should try [Shop] as I’d gotten a great deal.

This story is part of our Best Of October 2020 roundup!

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