Me: “Good afternoon, [Breakdown Services]. This is [My Name]; how may I help?”

Caller: “My f****** car won’t f****** start! It’s brand f****** new and it’s already f****** broken!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that, sir. Please let me take a few details, and we’ll get some help out to you as soon as we can.”

Caller: “Fine, but you’d better get someone here straight away. This is a brand new f****** car and I can’t believe you’d sell such a piece of s*** that breaks down the first time you stop it. What f****** details do you need?”

I then get sufficient details from them to open a case in our system.

Me: “Okay, Mr. [Caller], thank you for that information. Now, before I send these details out, there are a couple of things I’d like—”

Caller: “No, this call has taken f****** long enough as it f****** is. I just want someone to come and take this f****** piece of junk away and give me a working f****** car right f****** now!“

Me: “I understand how frustrating this must be, Mr. [Caller], having this happen with your new car. With this particular model, however, there are a few things we can try over the phone that might be able to get you back on the road in just a short minute. Now, first—”

Caller: “No! My f****** car is f****** broken and there’s nothing a dumba** like you can do to f****** help. I just want a new f****** car that f****** works and for someone to take this f****** car away.”

Me: *Much more firmly this time* “I understand, Mr. [Caller]. However, if we can ju—”

Caller: “Stop wasting my f****** time by refusing to f****** help me and send someone right f—“

Me: *Raising my voice to be heard over him* “Mr. [Caller]! I am trying to help you here. There are two things we can try right now, on the phone, that may well get you back on the road right away. If they do not work, I will still gladly send further help to you.”

There is silence so I continue.

Me: “Now, these phone fixes will take a maximum of ninety seconds combined to try. If I don’t try them with you now, when our technician arrives, they will be the first things that he tries. Our current lead time for getting someone to you is about forty-five minutes to one hour. So, you can potentially be back on the road in under two minutes, or in an hour. So please let me try these with you.”

Caller: “Fine, just be f****** quick about it.”

Me: “Okay, first, please remove the driver’s side floor mat from the footwell. You can just put it on the ground.”

Caller: “What f****** good will that do?”

Me: “Please just try this.”

Caller: “Fine, now what?”

Me: “Now, try and start the car as normal. Depress the clutch pedal all the way and press the ‘Start Engine’ button.”

Caller: “That’s what I’ve been f****** doing, you—”

There was the sound of a car starting up, followed by ten seconds of quiet from the caller. I then heard a muffled “thank you” before the line went dead.

For anyone who might be curious about why this worked, some cars that require the clutch/brake pedal to be pressed in order to start the engine have sensors where the pedal protrudes from the floor which detect that the pedal is down. The floor mats can interfere with these sensors if they get shifted too far forward. Something that might help!

I’m working in a garage. I’m finding it really difficult to learn and fit in. I’m finding myself walking on eggshells already when this customer walks in.

Customer: “Hey! Can you look at my car?”

I’m clearly busy; I’m under a car struggling to loosen a bolt.

Me: “Yeah, give me a minute.”

I struggle some more and finally get it loose. Before I can even move:

Customer: “Come on, mate! I need to get to work!”

Me: “Yeah? And it’s just me here, you didn’t call ahead, and you can see the yard is full. I’m clearly busy.”

The man starts to get in my face.

Customer: “You need to watch your mouth.”

I’m not a big guy, but I am still carrying the massive wrench.

Me: “Or what?”

Customer: “Just look at my car, will you?!”

The car looks a mess at the front, bracket, bumper, and light, scuffs down the side, and the wheel looks bent in.

Me: “What is this, your getaway car?”

Customer: “Err, no, just had an accident, that’s all.”

Me: “All right, leave it there. I will get someone to call with a price.”

Thankfully, he left. I fully intended to just not look at the car and give it to one of the other guys. But all my jobs took less time than I thought, so I gave it a look over.

Clearly, the car had been driven hard. The tyres were balding, there was damage all over, the seat belts were ripped, and it was filthy inside. I turned a blind eye to the small packet of white powder, but then I noticed the orange cap of a used needle.

Nope, they don’t pay me enough. I shut the door and called the police. They turned up pretty quickly and took the car. They didn’t confirm, but I got the idea that they had been looking for this car.

My boss gave me an earful as “some of the customers don’t appreciate when cars get taken away by the police.” I told him exactly what he and his customers could do and quit there and then.

Apparently, the garage had more of a reputation than I realised; I found a job at another garage who told me that the place was well known in the trade and, up until recently, would have police presence every month.

I hadn’t worked in my department for long when I was told about the “phantom crapper” — someone who sat in one of the mens’ toilet cubicles most of the day instead of working.

None of the managers wanted to be the one with a stopwatch outside the toilets and lose the respect of the workers, so it had been going on for a while. It sounded like there were attempts to covertly catch the timewaster, but with people in and out of the toilets all day, the phantom evaded capture.

Then, one day, his luck changed. A fire alarm went off, prompting a full-scale evacuation. It wasn’t long until someone was noted as missing and concerns raised.

In the search, they looked in the mens’ toilet. With the alarm blaring, they kicked down the closed cubicle door to find the missing employee on the toilet napping, with noise-cancelling headphones, snacks, and a drink. He clearly was the phantom.

He was led outside to the sound of cheers and was never seen again.

My broadband contract is up for renewal. Spookily, I see an advert on social media for new and existing customers. It’s about the same price, but there is a free smart device and smart plug. I go to my broadband account but can’t see the offer. Confused, I open the chat feature on the website.

Me: “Hi. I’m interested in [package] with the free gift.”

Tech: “Yes, that will be the one at [slightly higher price].”

Me: “Oh, I thought it was cheaper. Did I misread the advert?”

Tech: “I’m afraid so. The total for the package with the free gift will be £29 a month for eighteen months. But it does come with a free gift of the smart speaker and plug, worth £79!”

Me: “So, if I pay £5 a month more for eighteen months — a total of £90 — I will get a free gift worth £79?”

Tech: “I understand what you are saying, but those are the requirements of the offer.”

Me: “I don’t think I will take you up on that.”

The tech gives me the “important customer” script.

Tech: “What can we do to keep you? We can price-match another quote.”

Me: “Nothing. The service is annoying and poor at times. I would have put up with it for a new smart speaker. But I can get better service at the same price somewhere else.”

Tech: “Thank you, but the deal is set at that price.”

Me: “I completely understand. As I said, I won’t be renewing at this time.”

Tech: “You know what? I understand. Thank you for your time. Would you be able to fill in a quick survey?”

I did, and to be fair, they got the full five stars even if they didn’t keep my business.

Everything is scannable or on a button, I am told whilst training. Everything. I am told. EV-REE-THING. I am competent enough to be flying solo, when I get to an item. It doesn’t have a barcode to scan. It’s not got a button to press on the computer. I am holding the offending item and flag down a coworker — one who didn’t train me.

Me: “Erm, [Coworker]. I can’t find—”

Coworker: “Ah, yes. Life has given you lemons and you cannot make lemonade as the system doesn’t believe in lemons. But there’s a code to force the system to accept the lemons.”

They put in the lemon code, and I am finishing up the transaction.

Me: *More to myself* “I was told everything was either scannable or on a button.”

Customer: “Ah, but the system doesn’t believe in lemons, so…” *Shrugs*

Coworker: “Do they even exist if the system doesn’t believe in them?”

Customer: “Did they ever exist in the first place? Or are they just oranges having an identity crisis?”

Coworker: “Now the real questions are being asked.”

Me: “Do you two know each other?”

They didn’t.