Thinking Outside The Box Regulations

, , , , , | Working | January 3, 2018

(I’m opening boxes with my manager.)

Manager: *looks over at me* “Hey, [My Name], do you know the safety regulations for opening boxes?”

Me: “Yeah. Use a box cutter, only have as much blade revealed as needed, and cut away from yourself.”

Manager: “And you are?”

Me: “Using scissors and cutting towards myself.”

Manager: “…”

Me: “Just because I know the safety regulations doesn’t mean I’m going to follow them.”

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If You’re Screwed You Win

, , , , , , , , | Working | January 3, 2018

(I am walking past the checkouts and see a few workers pointing at random customers. One points at me. I decide to investigate.)

Me: “Sorry, I couldn’t help noticing… What are you talking about?”

Coworker #1: *nervous* “Umm, we were just playing a game.”

Coworker #2: “F***, marry, kill?”

Me: “Oh, I know that.” *walks away* “Wait… Which one was I?”

Coworker #2: “Umm, f***.”

Me: “Oh!”

Coworker #2: “But I would have to get really drunk beforehand… but only because I’m gay. Not because you aren’t attractive, or anything.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Coworker #2: “I think I’ll just go over there and kill myself now.”

Me: “Oh, well. Nice knowing you!”

(As I walked away I heard them grilling him on why he told me. Despite it being highly inappropriate, I found it quite funny. I also was the one who asked, so I didn’t really have a right to be offended, anyway.)

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Watch Out For The Customer Looking At Watches

, , , , , , | Working | January 2, 2018

(I am a mystery shopper. For this particular assignment, I’ve been asked to wear old clothes and see if I will receive service at the watch and jewelry counter at a somewhat high-end department store. I am told to not verbally address any of the clerks directly, but eye contact is okay. I show up looking like I’ve just come from the gym, wearing an old Batman shirt and yoga pants.)

Clerk: *moves away from my area and ignores me*

Me: *makes direct eye contact*

Clerk: *starts to chat with a colleague and ignores me*

(I am starting to understand why I’ve been asked to do this assignment. I decide to make a game of it.)

Me: *very obviously checks out the more expensive watches*

Clerk: *continues to chat with colleague*

Me: *moves on to the 18-karat gold jewelry*

Clerk: “Boy, I can’t wait for this day to be over. It’s been so quiet today!”

(I finally gave up after waiting for over twenty minutes. I took a certain savage glee in writing up my report for the mystery shopper company.)

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That’s Now You Start A New Year!

, , , , , | Working | January 1, 2018

(This was about ten years ago on New Year’s Day. It is my then-boyfriend’s birthday and I am out with his family for dinner at a well-known Chicago-style pizza place. We have ordered three pizzas and are talking while waiting for our food, when our waitress comes walking towards our table with a tray of food. The waitress trips and drops the whole tray of food on the table next to ours.)

Waitress: “F***.” *leaves the food and tray where it is and storms out*

Boyfriend’s Mom: “Was that our food?”

Me: “Do you think she’s coming back?”

(After a few minutes, another man comes out.)

Manager #1: “Hi, folks, I’m sorry to tell you that was your food. I’m the manager; your waitress has walked out. If you would tell me what you ordered, I’ll re-order it for you. It’ll be on us.”

(We reorder all our food and a few salads in the meantime. We are waiting and talking for about five minutes when another employee comes up to us.)

Manager #2: “Good evening, folks. I’m so sorry about this. I’m the assistant manager. What was your order? I’ll go check on it.”

(We repeat everything we had just told the first manager, including the two salads that we’d recently ordered. We continue to talk for another ten minutes when a new waiter comes out with four salads.)

New Waiter: “Hello, I will be your waiter. Here are your salads. What pizzas did you order?”

Boyfriend’s Dad: “We only ordered two salads.” *he then repeats our pizza order*

New Waiter: “Oh, keep the salads. I will check on your pizza.”

(About twenty minutes later, NINE pizzas came out. They told us to keep them, and it was all on the house!)

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Don’t Make Me Up To Be Racist

, , , , | Working | December 31, 2017

(I have been getting my makeup done at a department store, by an employee of who is desperate to sell me pretty much half her stall. I have been sat for about half an hour.)

Me: “How much longer is this going to take?”

Employee: “Just a couple more minutes.”

(Fifteen minutes later:)

Employee: “And… done!”

(She hands me a mirror.)

Me: “Umm…”

Employee: “Good, huh? The foundation and blush are £50 each for the 250ml containers, and—”

Me: “You made me look like Bob the Drag Queen.”

Employee: “I don’t know who that is, but if you like it, sure.”

Me: “Well, she’s a drag queen, and she’s black.”

Employee: “Is she pretty?”

Me: “Yes, but you’ve literally given me blackface.”

Employee: “But she’s pretty, which means you’re pretty!”

Me: “I’d like you to remove it, please. I’m not going anywhere with blackface.”

Employee: “I will if you agree to buy the products I used on you today.”

Me: “Agree to buy something that makes me look racist? Not on your life.”

(I ran off and bought some makeup wipes. I must have used about half removing everything she put on me. As I left she tried to alert security to my “stealing,” but the guard just rolled his eyes. I’m assuming I’m not the first incident.)

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