Deadly Pillow Talk

, , , , , , , | Romantic | November 4, 2017

(It’s our wedding anniversary and my husband’s cousin is congratulating us.)

Cousin: *to me* “I don’t know how you’ve put up with him so long. What’s the trick?”

Me: “He keeps struggling out from under the pillow.”

Husband: *nods*

Trouble Brewing

, , , , , , , | Related | October 28, 2017

We lived about four blocks from our elementary school. Our cousins lived about half a block from us. We all would walk home together after school. One day, we came across an unopened beer can on the dirt road shortcut and decided to play kick-the-can the rest of the way home.

About two houses away from our cousins’ home, the can hit a rock and began spraying all five of us.

We had to explain to both mothers what happened. At least they were able to laugh about our stupidity, so we didn’t get into trouble for coming home smelling like a brewery… that time!

Even Russians Love That Friday Feeling

, , , , | Related | October 8, 2017

(My eleven-year-old cousin lives in Russia. I call her to check in on her and we start talking about school.)

Me: “What’s your favourite thing about school?”

Her: *without even stopping to think about it* “The weekends.”

Your Cousins Are Not Always Right

, , , , | Related | October 4, 2017

(It is my 14th birthday, and I am going to a local restaurant to celebrate with my cousin and little brother. I am a bit shy, so I don’t really speak out a lot. As we come in, get seated, and place our orders, a bit of time passes by. I do not mind, as I can wait long times for my food. It has only been 30 minutes, and it is busy. My cousin, though, starts to get irate.)

Cousin: “D***, what is taking so long for our food?” *waves a nearby waiter to us* “Hey, what is taking so long?”

Waiter #1: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience; we’re really busy today and it takes longer to prepare the food, but it will be out shortly.” *walks away*

(Another few minutes pass, and we finally get our food.)

Cousin: *looking at the plates* “What is this? This looks f****** stupid. Hey, [My Name], do you have any problem with it?”

Me: “Uh… no. I don’t think it looks odd.”

Cousin: *waving another waiter* “What the h*** is this food? I want a manager, now!”

Waiter #2: “I’m sorry; I’ll get one for you right away.”

(A few minutes pass, and the manager walks over to us.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Cousin: “First of all, it took a long-a** time to get our food, the food looked awful, and [My Name] had to deal with it!”

Manager: “I’m terribly sorry for that. I’ll see my employees on that, as well as you getting a discount.”

(We finish our food and leave, discount in hand, the staff apologizing to us, but as we walk out of the store, I finally say something.)

Me: “Why’d you have to complain? I didn’t have any problems with the whole thing, and you just made a scene about it.”

Cousin: “Well, yeah, but I got a discount for it, so…”

(To this day, I still don’t understand why she did that, on my birthday of all days!)

An Immortal Cure For Hiccups

, , , , | Related | October 3, 2017

(My cousin has hiccups bad enough that he nearly chokes while eating.)

Me: “Do you need me to tell you something scary to help you get rid of them?”

Cousin: “Sure.”

Me: “Someday, you and everyone you love will die!”

Cousin: *waits a moment and hiccups* “Nope. Didn’t do anything.”

Me: “One day, our planet will die and be engulfed by the sun!”

Cousin: *hiccups* “Doesn’t really bother me.”

Me: “[Grandmother neither of us gets along with] may be immortal!”

(After a start, he waits for a hiccup. When some time, passes we start to realize that they’re actually gone.)

Me: “Wait, that actually worked? Everyone dying and being devoured by the sun didn’t scare you, but that did it?”

Cousin: “That’s messed up! I’m telling your mom that one!”