I’ll Raise A Glass To That Pun!

, , , , , | Related | December 6, 2017

(For Thanksgiving, my family rents a cabin in the woods called “Glass House.” A few people are playing Settlers of Catan after dinner. The game has stacks of cards for different supplies — wheat, wood, stone, sheep, etc. I am holding a stack of stone cards when I drop them on the floor.)

Me: “Whoops.”

Cousin: “[My Name] just dropped 1000 pounds of stone through the floor.”

Me: “So, I guess people in Glass Houses do throw stones.”

Cousin: “Get out of this house.”

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Certainly Driving That Point Home

, , , , , | Related | November 23, 2017

(I’m about eight years old, but thanks to a dysfunctional family, I’m very mature for my age. My family goes to visit our cousins in their house, and it’s like a palace to me. Instead of a cramped, roach-infested apartment, they have a two-story house with a fireplace. Their house has beautiful, obviously new things, while our house has old things from a yard sale. Their daughter is about my age, but is an only child, so she has the best toys that actually work, and no older siblings to bully her. Her parents are always talkative and energetic, while my mom lays in her bed and cries all day due to depression and my dad goes out and drinks at bars. Needless to say, I’m EXTREMELY envious of their daughter, who is like a princess to me. Plus, she’s very friendly, unlike my siblings. When it’s time to go, this happens:)

Me: “Please! I don’t want to go back!”

Mom: *extremely embarrassed* “Stop being a nuisance; you have to go with us!”

Me: “But their house is so big and ours is so tiny!”

(Dad just turns red and says nothing.)

Mom: “Uh, you can’t just stay!”

Me: “I want to stay!” *cries*

Mom: “You’ll have to work and clean dishes and such. It isn’t so easy to stay!”

Me: “I’ll do it! I don’t care!”

(They finally dragged me out of there, crying hard and screaming. My cousins said nothing, only looked concerned. I was a really quiet child, so I guess they were shocked. I held a lot of resentment against them for not realizing and helping me, but as the years went by, things got better. My dad stopped drinking and got a better job and an actual house, and my mom tried to be more involved in her kids’ lives. I haven’t spoken about that incident with them because I am so embarrassed about how humiliating I was, but maybe it was a wakeup call for them.)

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Should Have Used Shark Repellant

, , , , , , | Related | November 21, 2017

(When my older brother was a kid he would present incriminating evidence against himself whenever he’d lie about misbehaving. My mom’s favorite instance is when, for whatever reason, he and our cousin are throwing their toys at the neighbors house and the neighbor calls the police.)

Cop: “Have you seen any kids throwing toys around here?”

Brother & Cousin: “Nope, not around here!”

Cop: “Well, there’s a lady down the road that says she has a Batman on her roof and she thinks a kid around here may have thrown it up there.”

Brother: “I didn’t throw the Batman; that was [Cousin]. I threw a shark.”

(We never let him forget it.)

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Deadly Pillow Talk

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 4, 2017

(It’s our wedding anniversary and my husband’s cousin is congratulating us.)

Cousin: *to me* “I don’t know how you’ve put up with him so long. What’s the trick?”

Me: “He keeps struggling out from under the pillow.”

Husband: *nods*

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Trouble Brewing

, , , , , , , | Related | October 28, 2017

We lived about four blocks from our elementary school. Our cousins lived about half a block from us. We all would walk home together after school. One day, we came across an unopened beer can on the dirt road shortcut and decided to play kick-the-can the rest of the way home.

About two houses away from our cousins’ home, the can hit a rock and began spraying all five of us.

We had to explain to both mothers what happened. At least they were able to laugh about our stupidity, so we didn’t get into trouble for coming home smelling like a brewery… that time!

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