Sprinting On A Knife-Edge

, , , , , , | Related | September 14, 2017

(I am walking home with my sister and one of our cousins. It’s just beginning to get dark and we are a bit wary as we pass by a rough looking guy.)

Cousin: *whispering* “Oh s***, that guy just showed me a knife and grinned at me!”

(We all start walking faster, and we notice that he’s crossed the street but is keeping pace just a short distance from us. The corner of our street has a high fence that would block us from his view.)

Sister: “As soon as we turn into our street, we are all going to run for it, okay? Don’t look back; just run.”

(I have always been known for not being a very fast runner. People use the expression, “She couldn’t run if her life depended on it,” about me. My sister and cousin have both won running races at school; I always come in last. We get to our street and we all take off running. I get to the front door, unlock it, and we all end up piling into the house.)

Cousin: “What the h*** was that, [My Name]?”

Me: “What the h*** was what?”

Cousin: “[Sister] told me you couldn’t run!”

Me: “I can’t!”

Cousin: “[Sister] and I couldn’t catch you; I’ve never seen someone run so fast in my life!”

Sister: “Yeah, why don’t you ever run that fast at school?”

Me: “They don’t usually chase me down the track at school with a knife.”

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The Hypothesizing Dead

, , , , | Related | August 25, 2017

(My cousin and I are at an amusement park. We’re on a ride that is about to start. My cousin sees a large black box on the side of the ride.)

Cousin: “I wonder what’s in that black box? I bet it’s information for a secret spy convention. What do you think?”

Me: “I think it’s a bomb to be set off in case of zombie apocalypse.”

(There is a few seconds of silence then:)

Me: “We’re weird, aren’t we?”

Cousin: “Yep, but who wants to be normal?”

(After the ride is over, she sees another box of the same size and color.)

Cousin: “There’s another large box. So that one has information for a secret spy meeting about zombies and the other one has a bomb to deal with them…”


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Their Wishes Are Horses

, , , | Related | August 17, 2017

(I have a very nasty horse. There hasn’t been a year I’ve owned him that he hasn’t had me in the hospital for some severe accident. The two most recent both needed surgery after nearly ripping my arm off my body, and breaking my arm so badly it turned two small wrist bones almost to dust. Most of my family wants me to sell him but my cousins love him. I’ve gone to visit them with my arm in a cast with the stabilizing rods sticking out of it.)

Female Cousin: “You know I really don’t want you to sell him, but it might be better for you if you did.”

Me: “Well, you and [Male Cousin] are the only ones who aren’t threatening to sell him behind my back. I had to move barns and not tell anyone so they wouldn’t do it while I was here.”

Male Cousin: “Meh, it’s your life, and if he ends it we’re your beneficiaries.”

Me: “And here I thought you just didn’t want me to give up my last semblance of happiness in the world.”

Female Cousin: “Nah, we couldn’t care less about the horse. We just want the money.”

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Your Stories Are Complete Bull(y)

, , , , | Related | August 3, 2017

(As a child, my little cousin was an unpleasant little brat. Frequently he would annoy people with his loud antics and then throw tantrums when told to stop. He was also known to tell lies and get others in trouble. The family has grown weary of his behaviour and he is universally loathed by us. By now, my aunt has started noticing his behaviour and is starting coming down hard on him. We have family visiting from overseas and my uncle and cousin are reading in the living room at my grandma’s place. Suddenly my cousin comes in being really noisy and irritating.)

Uncle: “HEY! Cut it out, now!”


Uncle: “Well, I’m the adult here and I’m telling you to be quiet. We’re trying to read. Now, either play quietly or get out!”

(My cousin glares at him but obeys. Minutes later, while my older cousin is reading, the younger cousin knocks the book out of his hands and starts giggling.)

Older Cousin: “KNOCK IT OFF!”

(The younger cousin then proceeds to do it again a few minutes later, laughing hysterically. My uncle immediately grabs him by the ear and pulls him out the room. Right away my cousin runs to his mother crying about ‘being bullied’ and makes her come with him to the living room. As she enters, he has a really smug look on his face as if everyone is in big trouble.)

Aunt: “So, [Uncle], what did [Cousin] do this time?”

Cousin: “MUMMY!”

Aunt: “Be quiet; now, what did he do?”

Uncle: “Oh, we told him to be play quietly and instead he thought it would be great fun to keep knocking [Older Cousin]’s book out of his hand.”

Aunt: “Well, I’m very sorry about that; seems he has few hard lessons to be learned.”


Aunt: “Oh, am I? Well, isn’t it funny how this ‘being bullied’ stuff has been occurring an awful lot lately? Like when you pushed that other kid over in the playground at school and hurt him because you were ‘being bullied’ and it turned out you were just mad he beat you at some game? Or the other time recently when you broke [Friend]’s new toy because you were ‘being bullied’ and his mother then told me it was because you were jealous you didn’t have the same toy? Big coincidence that everyone is picking on you these days, isn’t it? Now, why don’t try telling me the truth for a change?”

(My cousin proceeded to throw a massive tantrum to try and get out of trouble. My aunt, unfazed by this, sent him to his room without supper. He later got grounded for two weeks with no TV after he was caught trying to sneak downstairs. Thankfully, my aunt’s ‘hard lessons’ she taught him have really paid off and he has grown into a more mature and responsible young man. It took a great deal of work, though.)

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Time To Re-Dress Your Comments

, , , | Related | August 2, 2017

(My cousins and I are vacationing at the beach for one week. I brought a variety of clothes, most of which were casual and went into drawers, but I brought one dress that I hung in the closet. I had gotten there before the other two girls, so no one witnessed me putting away my clothes. The house we were staying in was a rental and as we were looking around we started to comment on the “retro” decor.)

Cousin #1: *in the kitchen* “Oh, my gosh! Look at this horrible green stove!”

(All three of us giggle.)

Cousin #2: *opening a closet in the hallway* “The water heater matches. Avocado green!”

(All three of us move to look at the green water heater in the closet, giggling all the while.)

Cousin #1: “…and look at that HORRIBLE old-fashioned fabric!”

(She is pointing to the dress I hung up in the closet. I stop laughing abruptly.)

Me: “That’s my dress!”

(Awkward pause.)

Cousin #1: “I thought it was an apron.”

(All three of us erupted with laughter. I will admit that the dress looked very apron-like on the hanger. My cousins both made a point of telling me how good it looked when I was wearing it, but I must admit I always felt a bit awkward wearing that dress after that.)

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