(I’m working in customer service, answering phones and emails.)

Me:“[Company], [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I just wanted to check if my parcels were already delivered and could be picked up.”

Me: “Sure thing! Let me just check.” *he tells me his account data and I pull up his account* “It looks like there is one parcel from Amazon ready to be picked up. It was just delivered this morning.”

Customer: “Only one? I’m expecting two parcels.”

Me: “Sadly, yes. Could you tell me the second parcels tracking number so I can check the online tracking?”

Customer: “I did not get one.”

Me: “In that case, you could contact the sender and ask for it. They should be able to tell you.”

Customer: “It’s Amazon, as well. I only got the tracking number for the parcel that was delivered today. The second one is a gift.”

Me: “That’s strange. You should still get a tracking number if you have Amazon send it as a gift.”

Customer: “No. I ordered the parcel you received today and checked ‘gift.’ So, Amazon will send me a gift!”

(I had to explain to him that no, checking “gift” did not prompt Amazon to send you something for free and yes, I was sure about that. He seemed rather crestfallen and when I told my colleague about it she laughed and suggested trying it, as well.)

(I’m at work, on the phone with a courier to determine the status of an international shipment.)

Me: “I’m calling about the status of a shipment.”

Courier: “Okay… okay… Tracking number?”

Me: *provides number*

Courier: “Okay… okay… okay… International shipment.”

Me: “Yes.” *thinking to myself that I called the international support number*

Courier: “Okay… okay… okay… It’s getting there by air… on a plane.”

Me: “That would be correct.”

(He kept saying, “Okay,” over and over again for another minute or two. At that point, I couldn’t take it anymore and just told him to forget it. I waited a minute, called back, and got someone who didn’t have to tell me that my air freight shipment is getting there by airplane.)

(I’m talking to a courier representative.)

Representative: “It says here that it was put into lockup for the weekend, and now they can’t find it.”

Me: “So, it’s lost, then.”

Representative: “No, no. It’s not lost; they just can’t find it.”

Me: “I know you’re a courier company and this is the last thing you want to say, but if the depot cannot find it, it means they lost it.”

(My courier driver and I adore dry sarcasm. Typically his route brings him to my house around 10 at night, but this time his route has been altered and he arrives at noon.)

Me: “Is it 10 pm already?”

Driver: *deadpan* “Absolutely.”

Me: “Well, SHOOT! I forgot to pick my kid up from school!”

Driver: “That’s okay. I’ve got her in the truck. She has a shipping label.”

Me: “Wait, ‘she?’ I only have boys.”

Driver: “But… she has a shipping label.”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you. You have someone else’s kid out there.”

(A mock confused expression crosses the driver’s face. He hands me my package and walks away mumbling.)

Driver: “But, she even has a shipping label…”

(My wife comes out, having heard the last half of our conversation.)

Wife: “Who on EARTH were you talking to just now?”

(A rich-looking older lady is on vacation from Florida, and stops by our store.)

Customer: “Yes, I’m going back home and would like to ship my poodle.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t ship pets here.”

Customer: “Well, the airlines will over-charge me if you don’t let me. I’ll pay extra.”

Me: “Ma’am, it is actually illegal for me to ship your poodle. I’m very sorry for the inconvenience.”

Customer: *getting irate* “What if you poke holes in the box? Can I ship him then?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if I’m being unclear, but I can’t ship your dog for you. I’m truly sorry.”

Customer: “Well, I know I’ve shipped my dog here before. Do you really think I would be here if I hadn’t?”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know, but I know we can’t do that.”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

(Perhaps I should have offered to bubble-wrap the dog for no extra fee. Then she wouldn’t have to poke holes in the box!)