A Bird On The Road Is Worth… Two In The… Something…
My mother was having a tough week, so I decided to send her a bag of treats because she’d never buy them for herself. Unfortunately, the street she lives on is a case of here-be-dragons as far as GPSs are concerned. Map apps always, always send you to the rear entrance, which is on a different road, and it’s a pain to get from this wrong road to the right road in a vehicle. My parents have a back gate opening onto the wrong road, but it (justifiably) irritates delivery people. That said, usually, they are not too bothered. If anything, they’re relieved when the correct person appears, and maybe a bit hurried because they’ve spent extra time looking for this benighted location (hence, we tip well). Except for this one guy.
I’m at my desk, forty km away, when my phone rings. The man on the other end is already steamed.
Caller: “I’m at the police station on Bird Road. Where’s the entrance?”
I have no idea who I’m talking to.
Me: “To the police station?”
Caller: “To 30 Lark Street! You said the entrance is on Bird Road!”
Me: “Oh, no, sorry, I said you get to Lark Street from Bird Road. If you go up a block, you’ll see Wings Road on the right, and then Lark is the first right off that.”
Caller: “You said it was on Bird Road.”
Me: “No, I said it’s 30 Lark Street; you get there from Bird Road, because—”
And this was a mistake on my part…
Me: “—if you try to get there from Fish and Mammal Road, you end up on the wrong—”
Caller: “YOU SAID IT WAS BIRD ROAD!”
Me: “No, but Bird Road is the right direction, if you—”
He hangs up. I’m old enough to remember slamming down a phone, and this guy does a really good job of approximating that with a touchscreen. Well, okay. I’ve worked in customer-facing jobs. It can suck. He probably gets crapped on all the time. Whatever.
I let my mother know what’s going on, prep her for a potentially angry deliveryman, and go back to my work.
Two minutes later, he calls back.
Caller: “I AM ON FISH ROAD!”
Cursing Google, Apple Maps, and whichever lunatic designed my parents’ neighbourhood, I say:
Me: “Okay, just go until you find Mammal—”
Caller: “YOU SAID IT WAS BIRD!”
Me: “Dude, just go on a bit and you’ll see Mammal, and then it’s left onto Parrot. It’s okay; we’ll hear you coming.”
Caller: “YOU SAID IT WAS BIRD!”
And he hangs up.
Ten minutes later, my mother messages me to say thank you. I ask how the delivery guy was. She says he was perfectly pleasant. Ten minutes after that, he calls me.
Me: *Quickly* “Thank you for getting the delivery to the right place. I’m sorry it’s so confusing.”
There’s a pause.
Caller: *Whispering* “You said… it was Bird Road.”