Sizing Up To Be A Nice House

, , , , | Romantic | August 25, 2017

(After years of scrimping, planning, and renting a tiny room in a small condo to save money, my husband and I are buying a house. We’re still constantly staggered by how big it feels, especially compared to what we’re used to. He takes a picture of me in front of it, and then shows me the picture on his phone.)

Husband: “You look so small!”

Me: “Yes, but in my defense, almost EVERY house is bigger than me. Not just this one.”

My Knife, Your Problem

, , , | Working | June 27, 2017

(My dad owns a small business for tinsmithing. We recently hired a new employee. For this story let’s say my dad’s initials are M.K.)

Dad: “Hey, didn’t I give you my knife today on site?”

New Hire: “Yeah, I gave it back to you right afterwards.”

Dad: “Are you sure? Because I can’t find it anywhere…”

New Hire: “Well, I don’t know what to say to you. Maybe you lost it somewhere?”

(A few days go by. My dad sees New Hire working with a knife that looks exactly like his. He lets him turn it around and, sure enough, there are the initials M.K. written in permanent marker on the clip.)

New Hire: “What do you mean?! That’s mine! I bought it a few weeks ago!”

Dad: “Well, then why is there written M.K. on YOUR knife?”

New Hire: “It stands for… my knife!”

(My dad did let him keep the knife since it was a cheap one and it may have been a honest mistake and he simply was ashamed to admit that he took it. However, New Hire was let go shortly afterwards, still in his probation period, when money went missing from the locker room.)

Stubbornness Is Digging In

, , , , | Friendly | June 21, 2017

I’m a lorry driver and drive a tipper trailer for a living. I’m at a jobsite that is more or less across the street from a kindergarten. The site is an elevated lot with a wall separating it and the street. A digger, clearly visible from anywhere on the street, is on the lot loading rocks on a trailer standing on the street no more than a metre from said wall. While we have no guards, there are signs in both directions telling pedestrians to go on the other side of the street.

I’m standing behind the lorry being loaded talking to my colleague who is driving it. He has a passenger who has decided to stay in it. While we’re talking, we suddenly see a woman with a kid in each hand hurriedly emerge from between the trailer and the wall and then cross the street towards the school while the two of us stand there mouth agape, too stunned to say anything.

We go to the front to see if the sign is still there, which it is, and we talk to my colleague’s astonished passenger who tells us he told the woman repeatedly that she could not walk there but she ignored him. One of her little girls however did react, stopped, and told her mother they shouldn’t walk there but the mother grabbed her arm and dragged her along.

This was a few years ago and I have since stopped being surprised at the sheer stupidity of people but really, did she really need a someone to tell her you do not walk between a digger and the lorry it is loading?

Makes You Yearn For A Real Bullet

, , , , , | Working | June 6, 2017

(I am the only IT person on site, supporting about 50 users of varying skill levels. This user is about 50 years old, and is very nervous around computers. I’m helping him prep a document for a meeting.)

Me: “Okay! And now, if you want, you can simply copy and paste the text from that email into this PowerPoint slide.”

User: “I want to keep it the same.” *indicating formatting, such as bullet points*

Me: “We can totally do that. When we paste, we’ll tell it to copy the formatting.”

User: “But I don’t want all those dots.” *tapping the screen where the bullet points are*

Me: “Okay. We can tell it to just paste the text then, instead of formatting.” *we do so*

User: “Where did my dots go?!”

Me: “The bullet points? I thought you said you didn’t want them.”

User: “I don’t. I just want the dots in front of the words.”

Me: “Those dots are the bullet points.”

User: “No. I just want the dots.” *again, indicates the bullet points*

Me: “All right. Let’s change that, then.” *two quick clicks and the bullet points are restored*

User: “NO! I don’t want those! Just the dots!”

Me: *running out of patience* “Which dots?” *I highlight the bullet points* “These dots?”

User: “Yes! Is that so hard?”

Me: *silently cursing my decision to enter IT* “No. I’m sorry for misunderstanding. Does it look okay now?” *indicating the PowerPoint slide with the bullet points*

User: “No. Take those things away! I told you I don’t want them.”

(I change the style of the bullet points from small dots to squares.)

Me: “How about this? Is that better?”

User: “Yes. Finally. I don’t know why that was so hard for you.”

Cork-Screwing With Them

| MA, USA | Working | April 27, 2017

(This story was told to me about a long time ago by my grandfather. He is working on site with a new guy who is put in charge of moving materials with the heavy equipment. New Guy has been in one spot for a while moving materials from left to right, always doing a full 360 degree turn. The boss notices this, then after a while he turns to my grandfather.)

Boss: “Hey, watch this.” *runs out to the new guy* “HEY! HEY, [New Guy!] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

New Guy: “Wh— Only what you told me to, sir!”

Boss: “No, no, that machine you’re sitting in. Have you been making full turns to move this stuff the whole time?”

New Guy: “Yes.”

Boss: “WHAT?! Don’t you realize that operates on a corkscrew? Turn it the way you’ve been turning it enough and you’ll twist it right off, effectively destroying it!”

New Guy: *nervously* “But nobody told me th—”

Boss: “How many times have you spun this thing?”

New Guy: “I don’t know, maybe thirty?”

Boss: “HOLY S***! YOU’RE RIGHT NEAR THE LIMIT! YOU’D BETTER SIT HERE AND START SPINNING THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION UNTIL IT STOPS TURNING AT THE BOTTOM, RIGHT NOW!”

New Guy: *almost panicking* “Yes, sir. I’m so sorry! I’m sorry!”

(The boss walks back to my grandfather.)

Grandfather: “Please don’t tell me that you, the boss, think it operates on a corkscrew?”

(The boss looks at the new guy just spinning the equipment again and again and breaks down laughing.)

Grandfather: “You’re such an a**.”

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