Customer: “Do you have a 72mm lens cap?”

Me: “Yes. We do.”

Customer: “Is it a 72mm lens cap?”

Me: “Yes, it is. That is what you asked for, right?”

Customer: “Yes, but is it a 72mm lens cap?”

Me: “As I said, yes, it is.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Actually, no. It’s a 55mm, but bring your camera in. I have a hammer and I’m sure I can make it work for you.”

This story is part of the Sarcastic Responses roundup!

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Read the Sarcastic Responses roundup!

Customer: *referring to the recital hall* “Excuse me, can you direct me to your Rectal Hall?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “The Rectal Hall. I need to get into your Rectal Hall. Where is your Rectal Hall?”

Me: “I sincerely doubt you want the answer to that question.”

Me: “Hello, this is [Company].”

Caller: “Hi, who just called me?”

Me: “I’m not sure. You’ve reached general reception.”

Caller: “Well, someone just called me from this number.”

Me: “Sorry, but there’s no way for me to tell who called you, as this is the general number.”

Customer: “What are you?”

(I explain the company.)

Customer: “I didn’t understand anything about what you just said. Why did you call me?”

Me: “It could be a wrong number.”

Customer: “Ugh, fine. Stop wasting my time by calling me if you don’t know who you are, please!”

Me: “Good morning, can I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the server.”

Me: “No problem. I have to ask if you’re able to see if all the cables are connected properly and the computer is functioning properly.”

Customer: “Are you trying to imply that I am stupid? That I can’t tell if something isn’t plugged in? I don’t want to talk to you! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Sir, I am in fact the manager, and I meant no disrespect. This is step one in our problem-solving protocol.”

Customer: “So, will you come here and fix my problem?”

Me: “I have noticed that you have not signed or returned your service agreement, and I will be forced to charge you $100 for an onsite repair.”

Customer: “That’s fine; it must be broken. Get here as soon as you can.”

(Two hours of driving in traffic later…)

Me: “Sir, I have found your problem.”

Customer: “Oh, and what do you have to repair?”

Me: “Nothing. Your router was unplugged.”

(A customer comes in, clearly inebriated, and orders a chili. We get it for him, he sits down but a couple of minutes later he comes back up to the counter.)

Customer: “I think my chili is still frozen.”

Me: “Are you sure? It should be quite hot.”

Customer: “I’ll show you.”

(He gets the chili and attempts to put his spoon in it.)

Me: “Sir, the lid is still on.”

This story is part of our Oblivious Customers roundup!

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Read the Oblivious Customers roundup!