(I am ringing out a man and his son. He looks around five years old. He keeps pulling things off the candy racks and asking for them.)

Customer: “Stop, or I’m going to have to leave you here.”

(The customer turns to me.)

Customer: “What would happen if I really left him here? Would you have to call the police?”

Me: “I think we have to.”

Son: “Can I get this?”

Customer: “No. Would you know how to get home from here?”

Son: “Yep!”

Customer: “D***!”

(He laughs, pays, and leaves. I make sure he has his son with him.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like an oompa loompa.”

Me: “Oompa loompa?”

Customer: “Yes, one of those caramel apple oompa loompas!”

Me: “Do you mean an empanada?”

Customer: “That’s exactly what I said.”

(A mother comes in looking to get a hamster for her four children. They range in age from three to ten.)

Mother:  “Excuse me, miss?”

Me:  “How may I help you?”

Mother:  “Can you tell me if this hamster is a girl?”

(I look at the hamster in question. It’s most definitely male.)

Mother: *to me, quietly* “Just say it’s a girl.”

Me: “Yes, it’s a girl.”

Mother: *to children* “Yes, this one’s a girl. We can call her Jessie.”

Child:  “What’s that hanging off the back of the hamster?” *points to the hamster’s prominent testicles*

Mother: *looks at me in desperation*

Me:  “Er… that’s…”

Mother:  *frantic look of desperation*

Me:  “…its butt.”

Mother:  *look of relief*

(They ended up buying the hamster in spite of its large… butt.)

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Customer: “Do you have a 72mm lens cap?”

Me: “Yes. We do.”

Customer: “Is it a 72mm lens cap?”

Me: “Yes, it is. That is what you asked for, right?”

Customer: “Yes, but is it a 72mm lens cap?”

Me: “As I said, yes, it is.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Actually, no. It’s a 55mm, but bring your camera in. I have a hammer and I’m sure I can make it work for you.”

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Customer: *referring to the recital hall* “Excuse me, can you direct me to your Rectal Hall?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “The Rectal Hall. I need to get into your Rectal Hall. Where is your Rectal Hall?”

Me: “I sincerely doubt you want the answer to that question.”