My office bestie and I are both in the office quite early and so during our downtime, I am showing some funny memes and videos to her on my phone.

Me: “Here, look at this one. This is so cute!”

I show her a video of a toddler practicing swinging a baseball. His father gently says to “keep your eye on the ball” and he promptly complies, by placing his eyes physically on the ball.

Office Bestie: “That’s adorable!”

Another coworker is present, who witnesses the exchange.

Coworker: “You shouldn’t be laughing at that!”

Me: “We don’t start work for fifteen minutes, so—”

Coworker: “No! I mean that poor child could be autistic! They might not understand anything without taking it literally!”

Me: “I think most toddlers have trouble understanding metaphors. I don’t think—”

Coworker: “You are laughing at a child with a disability! Imagine being you, laughing at disabled children!”

Office Bestie: “Hey, now! It’s an innocent video about—”

The coworker storms out of the break room, leaving both of us confused and somewhat amused.

Later, near the end of the day, my manager comes up to me, looking solemn.

Manager: “Hey there, [My Name]. I was wondering if you could come with me for a moment?”

Me: “Suuuure?”

We walk into his office, where a woman is already sitting. I recognize her as being from HR.

Me: “What’s going on?”

HR Rep: “We’ve received a complaint that you were making derogatory jokes about the disabled in the office. I hope you realize this is a gross violation of office policy, and—”

Me: “Let me stop you right there. I was showing a coworker a funny video about a toddler misunderstanding a metaphor. We had a light chuckle. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. [Coworker], who I am sure made this complaint but I know you can’t confirm or deny, was offended by the video. That is everything that happened.”

HR Rep: “So you were watching offensive videos on company time in the office?”

Me: “That… that isn’t what I said at all. This was before we clocked in, and to remove any doubt I can play the video for you both right now if that will help.”

Manager: “So you admit you were watching the video in the office?”

Me: “That’s… that’s not what the issue is here, is it?”

HR Rep: “Yes or no, were you watching videos in the office?”

Me: “Technically, yes, but—”

HR Rep: “Then we will have to uphold this complaint and take appropriate action. Your manager and I will review this case and—”

Me: “What is there to review? You obviously have your mind made up, and you haven’t even seen the video!”

HR Rep: “I think it would be best if you remained calm and let your manager and I discuss this matter.”

Me: “Fine. Is that all?”

They nod and I leave. I immediately go to see my Office Bestie, who has not been called in like I have. She can’t believe what happened, but she advises me to contact our office union for advice.

After a week, I get an official reprimand, which my union could not help with despite being sympathetic.

I respond to the reprimand by giving my one month’s notice.

I now work in an office where my manager laughs at the memes and funny videos.

A group of us are sent to a remote site for some niche industrial work. We were supposed to be on a rotation where we didn’t work more than three weeks at a time, but the “other” shift never arrived. We were spurred on by promises of bonuses and overtime, but after working over ninety days straight of thirteen-hour shifts and living in a crappy motel a forty-five-minute drive from the worksite, something was going to snap.

Another employee lost focus at the wrong time when he was supposed to wait for a hand signal and didn’t. I fractured my orbital socket in the accident that followed.

It was a close call and could have been a lot worse. I’m glad I “saw it coming” and had time to at least try and get out of the way.

I got sent away after a night in the ER while the rest of that crew continued to work.

After spending two days at home the boss calls.

Boss: “I need you in Alaska.”

Me: “What?”

Boss: “Is it a bad line? I said I need you in Alaska.”

Me: “You’re not going to ask me how I am feeling? Or even apologize?”

Boss: “You’re fine, I read the report. Why would I apologize? I wasn’t even there?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Boss: “Okay so you’re going to Alaska in two days. Your flight is already booked.”

Me: “The h*** I am!”

I quit right on the spot and went straight back to sleep. Best sleep I had in years. I had a new job lined up as soon as I recovered.

I work in an office that develops software solutions for our clients. My boss comes over to my desk and drops a folder on my desk. The actual techy speak during this conversation is complicated and boring so I’ve simplified and condensed. This is also a long time ago when custom and large software requests cost time and money.

Boss: “New ticket from a client. They’re a major client so this takes priority.”

I take a quick look and then walk back over to my boss.

Me: “This ticket…”

Boss: “Yes?”

Me: “It’s from [Law Firm]. They want us to create a tool to securely migrate their client files from [old system] to a newer secure system.”

Boss: “It’s a simple migration protocol. You’ve done way harder.”

Me: “They also want us to create the newer secure system.”

Boss: “What!”

Me: “Yeah, they snuck that in there near the end. A single page saying we are to create the new secure system that the files will be moved to with a list of requirements. Probably think they can charge less by making it look like a simple migration.”

Boss: “I… I didn’t read it all.”

Me: “You didn’t read a document sent to you from a bunch of lawyers?”

Boss: “Yes, that was probably a bit silly of me, wasn’t it?”

The ticket was pre-processed through the correct channels, and a system was finally created for the law firm… about a year later and for a lot more money than the original ticket!

Related:

Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 5
Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 4
Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 3
Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 2
Just Lawyered Yourself

I work in a daycare attached to a library and gym complex (it’s a big building). I am relatively new and don’t really know my manager yet. She’s stern but fair, so I respect her. A mother comes in and drops off her toddler.

Mother: “I’m going to need him to be kept active and busy while I am gone. I prefer him to be fatigued when we’re at home.”

Me: “O…kay? We have plenty of activities that can keep him entertained such as—”

Mother: “No, you’re not listening. I need him kept active! Like you have to actively wear him down. You seem new so I don’t blame your ignorance—ah! There’s the manager. You! Over here!”

She actually points at my manager and yells for her to come hither. My manager slowly walks forward with the weary gait of someone who knows what’s coming.

Manager: *Strained.* “Mrs. [Mother’s Name], how lovely to see you again.”

Mother: “I need [Child’s Name] to be worn out when I return. What will you do to accommodate me?”

Manager: “Well, [Child’s Name] is four, right? We have a small playground that—”

Mother: “I saw that, not good enough. It’s just some swings and a slide. What will you do to ensure my child is kept active?”

Manager: “This is a daycare, ma’am, not an activity center. If you want some sporting activities then—”

Mother: “—you’re not listening! What will you do to accommodate me… today!”

Manager: “Well, we could try tossing him into the river and see how quickly he can swim back.”

Mother: “What?!”

Manager: *To me.* “What do you think, [My Name]? How strong is your throw?”

Mother: “Stop being so preposterous before I report you to—”

Manager: “The librarians are always moaning about rodents of unusual size* scurrying about the air vents. [Child’s Name] looks small enough to enter the vents and take them out for us. Just give him a torch and a pen-knife and he’ll be good to go.”

Mother: “That’s it! I will be reporting you to your boss unless you start taking me seriously!”

Manager: “Okay fine, we’ll just pit [Child] against the other kids in gladiatorial combat. The librarians like to place bets on the victor and the winnings we get make up for the s***ty customers like you.”

With that, the mother released a desperate shrill of a noise before storming off to the building’s management office. I am staring at my manager in awe.

Manager: “That was Mrs. [Mother’s Name] and she runs the club of mean mommies that have made my job miserable for the last year. I’m quitting today… good luck!”

My manager really did quit that day (well, two weeks’ notice), before any complaints could be bought down on her. One of the building managers took over managing the daycare while they trained one of the other workers, and they got to experience this mother and her friends firsthand. Their response was “now I know why [Manager] quit” and after multiple complaints from literally every other employee who had to deal with these mothers, they were banned!

*Yes, this is from “The Princess Bride”.

A middle-aged woman and an older woman are shopping and while I try not to stereotype what the average gamer looks like, these two are looking a little lost and bickering among themselves.

Me: “Can I help you, ladies?”

Middle-Aged Customer: “Yes, I want to buy one of these “Twitch” games for my son, but they all seem so violent.”

Older Customer: *To the middle-aged customer, her daughter.* “They’re Switch games, and like I told you, my grandson wants the Pokémon games!” *To me.* “Thank you, dear, but we’re fine here.”

Middle-Aged Customer: *To me.* “But they seem so violent! This game is all fighting, isn’t it?”

Me: “While the game does involve combat, it’s all child-appropriate and doesn’t involve anything overly violent. It’s mostly just cartoon-like animations.”

Middle-Aged Customer: “I’m… I’m just not sure.”

Older Customer: *To her daughter.* “Oh, for crying out loud! They’re harmless! Look, we discussed this. There are two games, Scarlet and Violet. You buy one, I buy the other: one happy grandchild!”

Middle-Aged Customer: “I’m just not comfortable with all the fighting. I think I will buy this game.”

She picks up a puzzle game, featuring sudoku, math problems, etc.

Older Customer: *To her daughter.* “Well if you want him to pretend to like your gift you can do that. I will be buying him what he actually wants!”

They continue their bickering but eventually make their purchases while I wisely step away. I explain the encounter to my manager, and we both get a good chuckle out of it.

A few days later, my manager and I have just opened the shop and a very angry-looking mother is standing outside.

Middle-Aged Customer: “You sold me a game that made me look stupid!”

Manager: *Wisely take over.* “Can you explain your issue, madam?”

Middle-Aged Customer: “I bought this “Twitch” game—” *Throws the puzzle collection on the counter.* “—for my son’s birthday and he hasn’t even used it! But you sold my mother those stupid Pokémon games and he hasn’t stopped playing them!”

Manager: “And what would you like us to do, madam?”

Middle-Aged Customer: “Make my son stop playing the Pokémon! It’s making me look like a bad mother!”

Manager: *Taking a moment to come to terms with the WTF-ness of this request.* “You would like me to stop your son, who isn’t here, from playing a game, that your mother purchased, that also isn’t here? This is the same game – that if my employee tells it correctly – your mother told you your son wanted for his birthday?”

Middle-Aged Customer: “Yes! Isn’t there anything you can do?”

Manager: “Madam, it sounds like your mother tried to use common sense on you, but it was not very effective.”

The mother grumbles loudly but struts out. My manager and I can’t wait to see Poké-granny again, though!

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Switch Off Your Audacity, Lady