(I’ve made a call to a business and have reached the owner of the shop. I’ve given him a short description of the health and safety training we offer for his employees.)
Boss: “Health? Safety? I wouldn’t care if all my employees died today!”
Me: “Uh… okay. Thank you for your time.” *hangs up*
(I’m a waitress in a coffee shop/bakery/deli located in the middle of a small town. I walk into the dining room to see the minister from the church across the street, a police officer from the station down the block, and a lawyer from the courthouse next door sitting at the counter. I’m looking at this strange sight when my boss comes up behind me.)
Boss: “So a priest, a cop, and a lawyer walk into a bar…”
(I work at a bookstore. It’s well known at work that my voice resembles my manager’s voice.)
Me: “Good afternoon, [bookstore], this is–”
Caller: “Hey, you little vixen, when are you coming home? I’ve got a bottle of champagne–”
Me: “Um, wait, I–”
Caller: “Ooh, I’m gonna–”
Me: *turning beet red* “Nancy! Your husband is on the phone!”
Boss: “Hey, I need to talk to you for a second.”
Me: “Is there a problem?”
Boss: “I received a complaint about you from a customer. By our rules we have to pull you aside and tell you.”
Me: “Okay, what’s the complaint?”
Boss: “Um, you were too nice.”
Me: “Come again?”
Boss: “Apparently, you were trying too hard to be nice and doing your job bagging for her. She got offended by it, so… be more careful, I guess.”
Me: “Wait, I’m in trouble because I was being too nice?”
Boss: “Yeah.”
Me: “This is a new one.”
(I have been out in the back making dough before serving the customer. I haven’t had time to clean myself up a bit, so I have flour on my shirt.)
Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”
Customer: *looking at my shirt* “Can I speak to the manager right away, please?”
Me: *confused* “Um, okay.”
(I call the manager over.)
Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”
Customer: “I want to complain about this employee. He has drugs on his shirt. He should be fired immediately!”
Manager: *joking* “But, then, where would I get my supply from?”
Customer: *looks shocked, and then storms out of the store*
Next Customer In Line: “Can I get a Hawaiian pizza on the thin base with extra drugs, please?”
