Watching Too Much Pirates Of The Caribbean

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 4, 2018

I am polishing glasses behind the counter at the wine cellar where I work. Sitting in front of the counter, a couple ladies and their men discuss ghosts, which both men seem skeptical about.

At some point, pirates are brought up and both men discuss pirates with great interest.

Suddenly one lady says to her man, “Wait, you’re telling me that you don’t believe in ghosts, but you believe in pirates?”

She laughs, clearly thinking this is ironic somehow. The two men glance at each other and chuckle along with her, and her fellow lady just quietly sips some wine.

You Want Insanity Then I’m Your Man(nequin)

, , | Right | January 3, 2018

(I work for a children’s concession inside a high end department store. We stay open until nine pm a few nights a week, but for us, it’s pretty much devoid of customers after eight pm. One evening, to keep myself busy, I decide to change our mannequins. Note: I wear both a uniform and name badge noting my concession name and the store’s name.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

(Startled, I look down at the half-naked mannequin I’m trying to wrestle into a onesie before I look back at him with a smile.)

Me: “Yes, I do. Sorry, I’m a little distracted by this guy.”

(He looks down at the mannequin this time.)

Customer: “That was a really stupid question, wasn’t it? I’m not sure what I would have done if you’d said ‘no.’” *he laughs*

Me: “Probably questioned the sanity of the woman playing dress-up with her dolls in the middle of a department store. I wish I had said ‘no’ now. Anyway, how can I help you?”

(Turned out, he was a guy in his early twenties who had never stepped foot in a children’s wear department in his life, but a friend of his and his fiancée just had a baby and he was nervous about trying to find a gift for the new arrival. I helped him choose a very cute outfit, including gift wrapping it for him. He apologized again and thanked me for my help and after he left, I went back to my mannequins.)

Redincarnation

, , , , | Friendly | January 2, 2018

(I’m walking into a small grocery store with my mother and two very red-headed sisters. As we head towards the entrance, a woman exits the store and stops to admire my sisters’ red hair.)

Woman: “Oh, your red hair is just gorgeous!”

Sister #1: “Oh, thanks!”

Me: “Heh, they get that a lot.”

Woman: “You know, I hope I can be reincarnated as a redhead. Yes… Maybe as a red-headed dolphin?”

(The woman then continued on her way. My sisters, my mother, and I exchanged puzzled glances before heading into the store. My sisters get compliments on their hair all the time, but usually the compliments end at the “your hair is gorgeous” line…)

When It Isn’t “More The Merrier”

, , , , , , , , | Related | January 1, 2018

(My parents have hosted Christmas Eve for both sides of the family as long as I can remember. Gatherings in my family are informal; a few people sit at tables for comfort or practicality, but many of us occupy couches or the floor around coffee tables. When I was growing up we lived in a large house, but my parents downsized about seven years ago. This year, for the first time since they moved, basically everyone is coming. Nobody is with in-laws, and some of the old “kids table” group have their own children now, so the total expected head count is larger than it’s ever been at their current place. Four generations will be represented. My mom can be rather uptight and is more of the planner than my dad, so I text her and ask if she wants me to bring an extra dessert, knowing we’ll have so many people. A few moments later my phone rings.)

Me: “Hi, Mom!”

Mom: “YOU AND [BOYFRIEND] CAN EAT IN OUR BED OR SITTING ON THE TOILET!”

Me: “Um… What?”

Mom: “THERE’S GOING TO BE AT LEAST THIRTY-FOUR PEOPLE, MAYBE MORE! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I’M GOING TO PUT EVERYONE!”

Me: *laughing* “It’ll be fine! It’s always fine.”

(I can hear my dad yell to her from the background, “Nobody will care! There’s never enough chairs, anyway!”)

Mom: “WE’LL NEVER FIT!”

Me: “So, should I bring the bundt cake?”

Mom: “Yes, please! You can eat it in the bathroom, too!”

Drownded In Fake Calls

, , , , , | Right | January 1, 2018

(This happens while covering a break in the electronics department. The phone there is the only portable one in the store, and sometimes new or lazy operators will send phone calls there that don’t belong to that section)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store] electronics. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, yeah, could you transfer me over to the toilet section?”

Me: *suspicious already that the customer sounds like a child* “Unfortunately, we don’t have any phones over there, and I couldn’t transfer you from here. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, my toilet broke. Could you tell me which ones you guys sell?”

Me: “Uh. All we carry are toilet seats, actually; we don’t sell toilets.”

Customer: “That’ll work!”

(At this point I am concerned that this isn’t a legitimate call, but I try to play along for a bit in an attempt not to hang up on a customer.)

Me: “I don’t really know anything about toilets, so I can’t really help you.”

Customer: “Well, can I tell you what’s wrong, and then you can see if you can help me?”

Me: “Uh, I can’t really—”

Customer: “So, what happened was I took this giant s***, and when I tried to reach in with my hand to get it, I got stuck, so I had to break it to get free, and now I need a new toilet.”

Me: *sigh* “Oh. Unfortunately, we don’t sell toilets here, so you’ll have to go to [Home Repair Store], or call a plumber.”

Customer: “I did call a plumber! And when he came to help he got stuck, too, and… and he drownded!”

Me: “Okay, hon. I’m going to hang up now, all right?”

Customer: “No, don’t hang up!”

Me: *click* “Well, that’s five minutes I’ll never get back.”