That Escalated Past College Quickly

, , , , | Friendly | March 26, 2018

(I’m 18 years old, and it’s near the end of my last year of school. A small group of us are chatting at a party. I am talking to a friend of the host, but I don’t know him very well.)

Friend Of Host: “Where do you all work, then?”

Friend #1: “I’m not working at the minute. Just focusing on my A-levels.”

Me: “Same here.”

Friend #2: “I work at [Shop], but I have a lot of college work, as well, so I’m pretty stressed. What about you?”

Friend Of Host: “You must all think you’re so much better than me, doing your A-levels and college. I got a full-time job straight after my GCSEs, but you all think you’re amazing because you’re still studying some p**** subjects. I hate all these f****** nerds who think they’re all that because they spend their lives sucking their teachers’ d**ks!”

(He then got up and walked off.)

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This Tale Is Not A Fabrication

, , , | Right | March 26, 2018

(A man comes in, somewhat agitated, asking for an immense amount of royal blue fabric.)

Owner: “Well, the cheapest fabrics we have are over here.”

Customer: “No, those aren’t right. I need a really deep, royal blue.”

Owner: “Well, there’s this one.” *points to a nice but somewhat expensive fabric*

Customer: “Great, I’ll take it! Fifty meters, please.”

Owner: “But I’ve not told you how much it costs yet!”

Customer: “As long as it’s in stock, I don’t care.”

Owner: “But what if I said it was twenty-five pounds per meter?”

Customer: “All right.” *gets out credit card*

Owner: “Well, we’re Brick Lane, not Park Lane, so we don’t have fancy prices. Don’t worry; it’s eight pounds per meter.”

(The customer then pays, and as his fabric is being brought out the owner says:)

Owner: “Would you really have paid twenty-five pounds per meter? That’s around thirteen thousand pounds!”

Customer: “Yep, it is.”

Owner: “You must be very rich!”

Customer: “Well, no, I’m not rich, but just around the corner I’ve got a film crew, and they’ve all got their salaries, and my delivery of background fabric didn’t show up, so I’d have spent more than that in paying them through the delay.”

(By this time the fabric is ready, and the customer takes it and leaves. As he does:)

Owner: “Well, fair enough! Good luck with the filming!”

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Demonic Plans Are Foil-ed

, , , , | Related | March 26, 2018

(I get home from work to see my mom’s microwave in the middle of the counter, inside a salt circle. Knowing my mom, I expect there is a logical explanation, but as she is at work and has only left me a note saying we are not to touch or move the microwave, I don’t know what that explanation is. My niece comes in and looks at the microwave, bemused. We are both “Supernatural” fans.)

Niece: “What is going on there?”

Me: *shows her the note* “I think your grandma captured a demon in the microwave.”

(It turns out that my mom read online that salt repels ants and she was trying to protect her microwave from them.)

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Trying To Think Outside The Box(er)

, , , , | Right | March 26, 2018

(I am a manager at a store in a small town. I’m running a register because one of my cashiers is on break and we’ve suddenly hit a rush. My customers are a husband and wife.)

Me: “The total is [amount].”

Wife: *hands me the bills and turns to her husband* “Do you have the change? I left my purse in the car.”

Husband: “I don’t have any change.”

Wife: “I need the change. I don’t have anything on me but big bills.”

Husband: “I don’t have any change. I don’t have any pockets. I’m in my boxers.”

(The comment startled me and I found myself glancing at what I had previously thought were the man’s shorts. Sure enough, they were, in fact, only boxers. I offered to cover the change, just to get them out of there before any “incident” occurred.)

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Should Have Espresso’d It Clearer, Part 4

, , , , | Right | March 25, 2018

(I work in a store where everything is the same price, unless we have a label on it for deals, so I answer a LOT of stupid questions. I also have to answer a lot of odd questions, but even those get repeated. This one is new. I’m currently serving at the tills.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. Would you like a bag?”

Customer #1: “That tea over there says, ‘decafé.’ Does that mean it hasn’t got coffee in it?”

(Both [Customer #2] and I look confused.)

Me: “Ma’am, that says, ‘decaf.’ It means decaffeinated.”

Customer #1: “So, it hasn’t got coffee in it?”

Me: “Tea never has coffee in it. ‘Decaf’ means it hasn’t got caffeine in it.”

Customer #1: “What’s caffeine?”

(I don’t know the dictionary definition of caffeine; all I know is that it gives people a boost of energy and shouldn’t be consumed in large quantities when pregnant. So, I explain the best I can, but I can see she doesn’t understand. Still, my manager is always asking us to get customers to buy more.)

Customer #1: “So, it means it doesn’t have coffee in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Would you like a box?”

Customer #1: “Yes, I’ll just go get it.”

(Looking at the growing line, and as I’ve already seen how fast she walks — not very — I decide this is a bad idea.)

Me: “That’s okay, ma’am. I’ll get it.”

(I get the box and get [Customer #1] swiftly away before I turn to [Customer #2].)

Customer #2: “Well…”

Me: “Sorry about the wait. I’ve never had to explain what caffeine is before.”

Should Have Espresso’d It Clearer, Part 3
Should Have Espresso’d It Clearer, Part 2

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