Sinking Your Teeth Into A Brief Encounter

, , , , | Friendly | January 27, 2018

(There is a neighborhood party going on in a park near a group of residences. A tired-looking man is crossing through before suddenly stopping near a kid and her parent.)

Man: “Here, have this.” *hands out a lollipop*

Kid: “Oh, thank—”

Mother: “Oh, you’ll have to brush your teeth after that!”

Man: “That’s okay. Here!” *hands out a small tube of toothpaste*

Kid: *speechless*

Man: “I work at a dentist’s office. Have a nice party, and remember: take care of your teeth!”

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You’ll Pay For Asking Too Many Questions

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2018

Me: “Welcome to [Company].”

Customer: “Hi, I got my bill in the post, and I just want to change my details and pay it.”

(I get all customers new details.)

Me: “So, did you want to pay that over the phone?”

Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

Me: “Great! Visa or Mastercard?”

Customer: “Wait! How do I know you work for [Company] and you’re not just trying to steal my money?”

Me: “Uh, sir, you called [Company] and I brought up all your details on the [Company] system and changed them.”

Customer: “But how do I know?”

Me: “Uh, what number did you call?”

Customer: “[Company]’s, obviously.”

Me: “Yes, and I answered, because I work here.”

Customer: “Liar! You could have hacked my phone. I’m not giving you any details.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir. You’re more than welcome to come into a centre or pay online.”

Customer: “No, that’s too much trouble.”

Me: “Then I can take payment over the phone.”

Customer: “Yeah, okay. Sounds good.”

(We continued the payment fine.)

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Not Getting It One Little Bit

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2018

(A woman accompanied by her husband or boyfriend is picking out ranch dressing and settles on some three-cheese ranch. I thought she mentioned wanting bacon ranch, so I show it to her.)

Customer: “Oh, no, we have some at home; I was just saying it’s good, but I like the three-cheese kind better.”

Me: “Oh, well, if you still want the bacon flavor in your salad with the three-cheese ranch, you could put some bacon bits on it, too.”

(The woman lights up as if the idea is genius.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s a great idea! Where would the bacon bits be?”

Me: “Just past the salad dressings, on the top, over there.” *I point*

(The woman tells me about how she is not a good cook because she’s never been married. She says that she knows you don’t have to be a cook to figure it out, but that she isn’t good at thinking of flavors to mix. I nod and smile and she goes over to deliberate on which bacon bits to get. I return to stocking and share a bemused look with a coworker who is stocking in the same aisle, just a few yards away. About five minutes later, the customer gets my attention.)

Customer: “Now, which ones of these taste better?”

Me: “Well, a lot of people buy [Brand] because they’re known for good meat. I’ve only ever had the [Store Brand] ones, because they were cheaper, but I can imagine that I wouldn’t be able to taste the difference, anyway, since they’re both just plain bacon. I’ve had [Brand Imitation Bacon Bits] before, too. My mom used to buy them, but they taste nasty. I would recommend that if you’re going to put bacon on something, just put real bacon.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Now, is this real bacon?” *she shows me both the [Store Brand] and [Brand] bacon bits she is holding, both of which clearly read, “Real Bacon Bits” on the pouches*

Me: “Yes. And they’re pretty good.”

Customer: “Okay. So if it say, ‘real,’ on the package, does that mean it’s real bacon?”

Me: *pauses a moment to register the question* “Yes. That is real bacon.”

Customer: “Okay. So if it says, ‘real,’ it’s real bacon?”

(I assure her that it is real bacon again, and that if they say it’s real bacon, brands aren’t really allowed to put anything but real bacon into the package. I assure her again and again as she rephrases the exact same question about three more times, as if she isn’t grasping the concept.)

Customer: “Okay, so… So, could you show me an example of something that would not be real bacon?”

(I am stunned for a moment, but I pick up a bottle off the shelf and point to the label as I read it off to her.)

Me: “Here. ‘Artificially-flavored bacon chips.’”

(By now my coworker was silently trying to keep his cool and not laugh in front of the customer. We had to wait 10 or 15 minutes until she was out of the aisle, at which point we cracked up to each other.)

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Acting Neighborly Ain’t Worth Spit

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 26, 2018

(I am a remote employee, so I work from home during the day. One day, while on a Skype call with my boss and some clients, I hear a knock at the door. I ignore it because this is an important meeting and I’m not expecting anyone or any deliveries, but they keep knocking. Then, eventually, I hear some cheery old woman’s voice.)


(She is also WHISTLING very loudly and shrilly. Annoyed and apologizing profusely to my boss and clients, I run to the door. It’s a little, prim, old woman who looks like someone’s stereotypical grandma.)

Me: “Yes, hello?”

Woman: *beaming* “Hello, dear! I knew I’d get you, eventually. I always do!” *wags her finger at me in what she probably thinks is a playful fashion* “My name is [Woman]. I live over on [Next Street], and I wanted to talk to you about this event before the next community meeting.”

(At this point, still speaking, she begins stepping forward and pushing past me as if she’s going to come in, uninvited. I shift my body to block her in the doorway, and she gives me a startled, annoyed look. She’s holding an armful of printed papers.)

Me: “Now is not a good time. I’m working. I’ll be happy to take whatever documentation you have to review.”

Woman: “Well! The city is proposing that [blah blah, something about a community garden that she doesn’t want because it would ‘attract people’].”

(I keep trying to tell her that I am too busy to listen or talk right now, and she just keeps raising her voice and talking faster. Finally, I get fed up.)

Me: “Okay, if you’re going to be rude, then, so am I, I guess. Have a good day. I have to get back to work.”

(I shut the door in her face. I hear her gasp comically loudly, and then, before I walk away, something that sounds suspiciously like spitting. I yank open the door and she jumps back, looking guilty and shocked that she has been caught. When I turn my head, sure enough, I see that this woman has SPAT a big, gross gob on my front door.)

Me: *yelling, furious* “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!”

(She literally turned and ran like I had a gun in her face. I never saw her again. People are insane.)

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The Needs Of The Mini Outweigh The Needs Of The Glue

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2018

(My craft store sells a lot of vintage models: classic cars, old trains, etc. A customer comes up to me looking a bit frazzled.)

Customer: “Do you have any vintage glue?”

Me: “Vintage glue?”

Customer: *pointing to the sign* “You sell vintage, yes? I need some vintage glue for my car.”

Me: “Oh, I see. We sell modelling glue, but it doesn’t matter if the model is vintage or not.”

Customer: “Mine is vintage.”

Me: “Is it made of plastic, metal—”

Customer: “Metal, of course!”

Me: “Then I would recommend this glue.”

(The customer makes the purchase and leaves. A few minutes later she is back.)

Customer: “This isn’t vintage!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “It isn’t working! I need vintage glue for my car!”

(It then dawns on me just exactly what this customer is asking for.)

Me: “Do you… Do you mean a real car?”

Customer: “Well, of course! What else would I godd*** mean?!”

(I take a measured glance at the many model cars we have on display, before returning to the scowling face of my customer.)

Customer: “Come outside; I’ll show you!”

(I walk to the door to the store and have to hold back a laugh as I see, on the other side of the street, a vintage 1970s Mini Cooper, missing the door on the passenger side. The door is currently resting on its side on the passenger seat.)

Me: “You tried to glue the door back on?”

Customer: “You said it was vintage!”

Me: “For model cars! Vintage model cars, not real ones!”

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid!”

Me: “No, ma’am. What is stupid is you driving around with a car door missing, thinking you could glue it back on! How were you not pulled over?”

Customer: *blinks* “Why would I be pulled over?”

(I give up on this conversation and go back inside, as I have other customers. Half an hour later, this same customer is back at my till.)

Customer: “Do you sell scotch tape?”

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