Calorie Bombs Are Explosively Delicious

, , , , , | Right | December 21, 2018

(I am a customer grabbing a quick lunch in a hospital cafeteria. I see that they have a self-serve salad bar, so I make myself a salad, but I realize they are out of croutons. I notice an employee filling up the empty bin of tomatoes, so I approach her.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss, when you get a chance, would you be able to refill the croutons? It seems you’re out, and I love those things.”

Employee: “Sure thing! I can do those right now; just give me a sec…”

(Another customer standing nearby interrupts her.)

Customer: *in a very angry tone* “Don’t you dare put any more croutons out; those are like little calorie bombs! They are so bad for me; they will kill me. My mom is already in the hospital and now you are trying to kill me.”

Employee: “Well, ma’am, you don’t have to put any on your salad if you think they will make you sick, but other people…”

Customer: *interrupting again* “WHO GIVES A FLYING F*** ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?! THEY ARE CALORIE BOMBS AND THEY WILL KILL ME!” *turns to me* “And they will kill you, too, if you’re not careful. CALORIE BOMBS!”

(She then literally ran out of the cafeteria while the employee and I just stared at each other. She refilled the croutons, and I put some on my salad, but I have to say I now think twice every time I use a salad bar when loading up with “calorie bombs.”)

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See You Later, Alligator

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 21, 2018

(I’m walking down International Drive when I pass a gator exhibit with a man holding a small alligator, offering it to tourists.)

Man: “Would you like to pet an alligator?”

Me: “Yes!”

(I’ve held an alligator before; however, this time I hesitate as I reach out towards it. When I do, the man thrusts the alligator towards my face, in a way that is sudden and intrusive yet does not disturb the alligator.)

Man: “Yah!”

Me: “Ack!”

(I’m very easy to startle, and I cry out and jump back. The man laughs.)

Man: “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

Me: “You saw weakness and you zeroed in on it. I should have seen it coming.”

(I then proceeded to pet the alligator to my heart’s content.)

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Has A Whole Cartful Of Trust Issues

, , , | Right | December 20, 2018

(A regular comes up to my register with a full trolley.)

Me: “Hello. Looks like you’ve had a good haul today!”

(She stops in front of me, but does nothing except squint her eyes.)

Me: *after a few awkward seconds* “Would you like me to put this through for you?”

Regular: “I don’t trust you.”

Me: “Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to perhaps earn that trust?”

Regular: *pause* “No.” *abandons trolley and leaves the store*

(I haven’t seen her since. I had to put her trolley back out.)

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When Life Gives You Lemons: Buy Apples

, , | Right | December 20, 2018

Customer: “Excuse me. Could you show me where your lemons are?”

Me: “Of course.”

(I show her and she thanks me graciously. When she is finished shopping I am working on the registers. Remembering me, she decides to get in my line.)

Customer: “Thank you so much for earlier. I do love lemons!”

(She then unloaded her trolley. She had five crates of apples and not a lemon in sight. She paid and left happy. The apples aren’t even on the same aisle.)

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Taking Stock Of All Your Crazy Customers

, , , , , | Right | December 19, 2018

(Once a year, we close for a day to do a complete inventory. About three hours in, someone begins shouting excitedly near the front of the store.)

Customer: “Hello! Hello! Is anyone going to serve me?”

Me: “Um, hi. We’re closed today.”

Customer: “What do you mean, closed? I need to buy these things!”

(Sure enough, he has a pile of products — which completely throws off a few counts — at an unmanned register.)

Me: “Yeah, I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t help you. We’re closed today for stocktaking.”

Customer: “I don’t care about that; just check me out so I can go!”

Me: “I can’t. We have no cashiers today, or tills, for that matter. We posted signs and locked the doors. How did you get in?”

Customer: “Nobody would let me in, so I had to come in through the garage.”

(The mechanics had left the garage doors open by less than a meter for ventilation. He would have had to crawl under the door and go through the mechanics’ lounge into the warehouse, to eventually wander onto the sales floor. Quite the detour.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You can’t buy anything today. Let me unlock the door so you can leave.”

(He got rather heated at this point, screaming and threatening, until enough people came to herd him out. He yelled and pounded on the doors for a while until a passing police car stopped to chase him away.)

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