A Spider, A Turtle, And A Possum Go On An Adventure

, , , , , , | Related | September 2, 2018

(While in high school, I date a guy whose mother is an animal fanatic. She is… a character, to say the least. I’m in the car, in the backseat with my boyfriend. His mother is driving, and his brother is in the passenger seat. Suddenly, his mother starts swerving across the road and suddenly pulls over. She jumps out of the car and runs to the edge of the road, searching for something. When she turns around, she has her hands carefully cupped in front of her, a huge grin across her face. My boyfriend leans forward, quickly shuts the driver’s door and hits the lock button. She comes running back, and opens her hands to reveal a HUGE spider. My boyfriend’s brother starts screaming. My boyfriend slightly cracks the window and tells her he will unlock the car when she lets the spider go. She tries to argue with him, insisting that she wants to take “this beautiful girl” home and keep her. After going back and forth for almost ten minutes, she puts the spider down, and my boyfriend unlocks the car and lets her back in. As she gets back on the road, a conversation begins:)

Mother: “I just don’t get why you don’t like spiders, [Boyfriend].”

Brother: *shrill* “MOM! I’m not touching that thing!”

Boyfriend: “I just don’t. Plus, you’re driving, and would have no way to hold it or contain it. And none of us are going to hold it!”

Brother: *collecting himself* “Well, Mom, at least it wasn’t another possum.”

Mother: “Ooh! [My Name], did you hear about that? Did [Boyfriend] tell you?”

Me: “No. Did you find more babies?”

(It’s common knowledge that when she comes across a road-kill possum, she always stops to look for surviving babies.)

Mother: “Well, no. I looked, but I didn’t find any. But possums are marsupials, meaning they have a pouch that they carry babies in. The opening is kind of a muscle, so it’s hard to open it to check on a dead possum. So, I found one of [Boyfriend]’s utility knives in the car, and I had to slice her open. I put my hand in to feel for any babies, but couldn’t find anything. I decided to double-check, and you’ll never believe it! IT WAS A BOY! Not to mention, I couldn’t find any rags or towels in the car, so I had to drive home all covered in blood!” *laughs*

Boyfriend: *quietly to me* “I told her to keep the knife.”

(A few weeks later, she is giving us a ride to school. On the side of the road is a very large turtle, trying to cross. His mother pulls over.)

Mother: “[Boyfriend]! Get out and help me!”

Boyfriend: “Mom, that’s not a box turtle. It looks a bit dangerous.”

Mother: “It’s fine! Don’t worry about it! It’s a snapping turtle. Just grab the car mat to carry it!”

(This turtle is easily the size of the car tire. They go back and forth for a few minutes, arguing. Finally, he relents.)

Boyfriend: “Fine! But only because I don’t want you getting bitten!”

(He grabs the mat, and carefully tries to place it on the turtle’s back, behind its head. It turns its head and grabs the corner of the mat, ripping through both the upholstery AND the thick rubber on the bottom. After it drops the mat, he tries again. Once he manages to get a hold of the shell behind the turtle’s head, he quickly carries it across the road, and runs back. Once in the car:)

Mother: “WOW! What a beauty!” *laughing gleefully*

Boyfriend: “Whatever, Mom. We’re going to be late.”

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This Isn’t Bunny

, , , , | Right | September 2, 2018

(I am an intern at a local pet store. I am about 16 or 17, and it is my first week. A man walks up to me and asks if we have any rabbits.)

Me: “Certainly! Right this way!”

(The man takes a look at the rabbits.)

Customer: “No, these won’t do; they have claws. Do you have any without claws?”

Me: “No, sir, all rabbits have claws. They need them.”

Customer: “Why? Why do they need claws?”

Me: *a bit stunned* “Well, sir, they are meant to dig, so they need the claws for that.”

Customer: “Can you remove them?”

Me: “No, sir, we cannot remove the rabbits’ claws.”

Customer: “Okay. Do you have any other animals without claws?”

Me: “Unfortunately not. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(The man stares blankly at me for a couple of moments:)

Customer: “No, you don’t understand! I’m a bunny-rabbit!”

(Then, he walked out, leaving me with probably the most confused face ever.)

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We Don’t Sell The Gay Thing

, | Right | August 31, 2018

(It is a normal day at our takeaway until this customer comes in:)

Customer: “All right, I know this is random — and it is random — but do you know anyone looking for anywhere? I’m looking for a lodger.”

Me: “Um, no, sorry.”

Customer: “Okay, yeah, but the key thing is that they have to be gay or lesbian and be interested in me.”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “And they have to be willing to clean everywhere… but mainly the gay thing.”

Me: “No, sorry.”

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Undeath At A Funeral

, , , , , | Friendly | August 30, 2018

(My grandfather is the youngest of seven siblings. He and his oldest brother look very much alike and even have nearly the same voice, but they are fifteen years apart in age. However, as they grew older, the differences in their appearances became smaller and smaller. Fast forward 70 years: the oldest brother dies and my grandfather attends his funeral. A lady he has never seen before enters the church and spots him in the front bench with the other siblings. She goes white as a sheet and marches right up to him.)

Lady: “What are you doing here?!”

Grandfather: *confused* “I’m attending the funeral?”

Lady: “No, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in there!” *points at the coffin* “You’re supposed to be dead!

Grandfather: “Ah, no, you see, I’m–”

Lady: “LEAVE, DEMON! OH, LORD, HELP US! THIS IS THE END!”

(And with that, she stormed out of the church, never to be seen again.)

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Phone Gall

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 29, 2018

(This happens shortly after I’ve given birth to my first daughter. She and I are asleep in our hospital room. This is in 1994, when it isn’t as common to have security measures to ensure that babies aren’t stolen from hospitals.)

Voice: “Hello? This is [Woman].”

Me: *groggily* “Sorry, what?”

(I open my eyes and sit up, expecting to see a nurse. Instead, I see a strange woman using the phone in my room.)

Woman: *glaring at me* “Do you mind? I’m trying to make a phone call here.”

Me: “What the h***? Get out of my room!”

Woman: “Excuse me? I’m just trying to make a phone call!”

Me: “Then go find a payphone! GET OUT!”

(She flounced out, muttering, with no idea why I was so upset. It was just lucky that all she wanted was the phone and not my daughter.)

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