Giving Your Restroom A Rest

, , , , | Friendly | March 25, 2018

(My family recently moved from the country to town, and we now live next to a church. While it shouldn’t be a problem, as the church is only ever used on Sunday, we seem to have this problem every week, and it’s always the same person.)

Regular: *knocks on door*

Mom: *opens door* “May I help you?”

Regular: “Hi! Can I use your bathroom? The one at the church is clogged.”

Mom: “You are over here every week, claiming it’s clogged.”

Regular: “Oh! It isn’t for me this time; it’s for that dad and his kids.” *points to a dad with two children who look under five*

Mom: “Fine. Only those three can come in.”

Regular: *starts to push way into house*

Mom: *pushes him back* “I never said you can come in.”

Regular: *gets huffy* “But why not? I have to use the bathroom, too!”

Mom: “Well, I guess all of you will have to hold it. My house is not your public restroom. Good day, sir.” *closes door*

Regular: “I hope your f****** house burns down!” *storms off*

(He was back next week, knocking on our door, trying to get into the bathroom. We have no clue why he wants to use our bathroom, but none of the other churchgoers have complained about a clogged toilet or come over to our house to use one. We even threatened to call the cops if he does it again, and he seemed to back off after that.)

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Quentin Tarantino’s Muppet Fiction

, , , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(After working in a theater for so long, I’ve grown accustomed to parents dragging their kids along to movies that would be considered inappropriate, but unless it’s rated NC-17 or has no rating at all, the most we can do is warn them. Every now and then, I’m thrown for a loop.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I was wondering if you could tell me why The Muppets has a PG rating.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I saw the movie myself, and the only reason I can think of is that there’s some mildly crude humor.”

Customer: “I have some of my friend’s kids with me. Are you sure it’s okay for them to watch?”

Me: *surprised* “Um… Yes?”

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(Dish)Wash Your Hands Of This

, , , , | Working | March 21, 2018

(I apply for a dishwashing job. They call me for an interview. A guy that introduces himself as the manager greets me.)

Manager: “After this interview, you’ll have a second one and then a third. We’ll also need five references.”

Me: *knowing that this isn’t standard procedure* “Really? For a dishwasher?”

Manager: “Yes! We want to hire the best!

Me: “Okay, then.”

(I give him the references and the interview ends. Weeks go by and I hear no more of him, so I assume that he’s no long interested. I find another job. MONTHS later, he calls me.)

Manager: “Hellooo! How are you?”

Me: “I’m fine.”

Manager: “Well, I wanted to tell you that only four of your five references answered, so I’ll need another one.”

Me: “Really? You waited months to tell me?”

Manager: “Of course!”

Me: “…”

(I told him that I was no longer interested and he was speechless. Really, what did you expect after months went by? I guess he thought I’d be waiting by the phone for his call!)

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Not Being Berry Truthful

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2018

(I am working the dinner rush for a popular roast beef restaurant and have just cleared out the last of the customers without incident. A girl walks in, and I can immediately tell she is upset about something.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Listen. I just came through the drive-thru and you forgot to give me my strawberry shake.”

Me: “Oh, um, we don’t have strawberry shakes.”

Customer:Yes, you do! I just came through, and there was a strawberry shake on my receipt!”

Me: “Actually, that would be impossible, as we don’t even have them on our registers. Can I see your receipt, please?”

Customer: “No! I threw it away! Just give me my d*** strawberry shake!”

Me: “Like I said, it is physically impossible for me to give you a strawberry shake.”

Customer: “I will be calling your district manager! You just don’t want to give me my shake!”

Me: “Do you want to call her at work tomorrow, or for me to get her personal number for you? She will reassure you that we could not have possibly charged you for a strawberry shake, and furthermore, if you would have been polite towards me, I would have been happy to give you a shake, as we value our customers, which you obviously haven’t been in a long time.”

(The customer then stormed out of the store muttering about a strawberry shake and flipped me off as she was getting back into her car.)

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Someone Brought Home The Bacon

, , , , | Working | March 20, 2018

(My friend and I go to a popular fast food chain known for its breakfast sandwiches. My friend orders a sausage and egg breakfast sandwich. The clerk goes to work making his sandwich, and then this happens.)

Clerk: “I’m sorry, sir; it appears we’re out of sausage. Is it okay if we use bacon, instead?”

Friend: “Sure.”

Clerk: “I’m sorry, sir; it appears we’re out of eggs. Is it okay if we use bacon, instead?”

Friend: “Um… Okay.”

(As expected, his sausage and egg breakfast sandwich became just a mass of bacon on an English muffin. We just sat there bewildered at how a restaurant that specializes in breakfast can run out of sausage and eggs!)

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