Mining This For All It’s Worth

, , , , , | Romantic | November 26, 2017

(I’m teaching my girlfriend to play an old video game where you destroy blocks that slowly move towards you by putting “mines” on the ground and detonating them later. The game is fairly simple in that you can only move around a very limited space, place the mine with a button, and detonate it with the same button. The rules are also easy: you must destroy all blocks but the black ones. I explain all of this to her, but since she’s a really bad listener, I also make her watch the tutorial first.)

Me: “Do you have any questions on how it works?”

Girlfriend: “Nope, all clear.”

Me: “Cool, go for it.”

(I start the game and hand her the controller, but then she instantly makes the character run towards a block, starts mashing all the buttons, and dies, crushed.)

Me: “That’s okay; it was your first try. Just calm down a—”

(The game starts again and she does exactly the same.)

Me: “Honey, you don’t need to keep pressing every button. You’ve got time for everything; there’s no hurry.”

(The game starts once more and exactly the same scenario happens. For ten straight minutes she keeps running to her death while I try to explain to her how to play, but she doesn’t even acknowledge my voice or my presence. I try to touch her arm and gently shove her, but no reaction; it’s like she’s in some sort of trance. Finally, I forcefully yank the controller out of her hands and pause the game.)

Me: “What’s going on? What are you doing?”

Girlfriend: *looking at me like she just came back from another reality* “Huh? What?”

Me: “What were you doing?”

Girlfriend: “It didn’t work.”

Me: “There’s no way it’ll work if you just mash the buttons like that.”

Girlfriend: “No, but I did it because it wasn’t working.”

Me: “What wasn’t working?”

Girlfriend: “The mines were not moving.”

Me: “Why would they?”

Girlfriend: “It makes sense.”

Me: “When I explained the game to you, did I mention that you can move mines?”

Girlfriend: “No.”

Me: “When you watched the tutorial, at any point did it show you that you can move mines?”

Girlfriend: “No.”

Me: “And you died like 30 times trying to do it, even though it clearly wasn’t working.”

Girlfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “Then?”

Girlfriend: “It makes sense.”

Me: “So, you just made up a game mechanic in your mind against all options, noticed that it didn’t work at all, yet kept trying to make it work again, and again, and again.”

Girlfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “It made sense.”

In The South, Tea Is A Hot Topic

, , , , , | Working | November 26, 2017

(I have a cold with a sore throat, and a long drive home ahead of me, so I stop in a fast food place for some hot tea before leaving the Florida town I’ve been visiting.)

Me: “Can I get a small fries and a medium hot tea?”

Cashier: “Hot… tea?”

Me: “Yeah. Tea that’s hot?”

Cashier: “I’ve never heard of that.”

Me: *double checks the menu* “Tea. It’s on the drink list.”

Cashier: *points to iced tea jugs behind her* “Yeah. Tea.”

Me: “No, it’s hot—”

Cashier: “You want me to warm that up? I’m not sure we can do that.”

Me: “No, no, never mind. I’ll just have a small coffee and a small fries.”

Cashier: “Okay.” *shakes her head* “Hot tea…”

(Even in the south, how do you just not know that tea can also be made hot?)

What Happened After Thirty Seconds?

, , | Learning | November 26, 2017

(Someone is called to the office over the PA. A few seconds later:)

Announcement: “You have one minute.”

(A few seconds after that:)

Announcement: “You have thirty seconds.”

(There was no context. People were like, “I only have thirty seconds!” When we were dismissed from class, our teacher said we had thirty seconds to receive our secret mission.)

Got The Corner Doll Market Cornered

, , , , | Right | November 25, 2017

(I’m in the toy section, going up and down aisles. An associate approaches.)

Associate: “Hi, do you need help finding anything today?”

Me: “Yes, actually. I need a motion-activated toy that makes noise.”

Associate: “What?”

Me: “Yes. I was looking for a spy toy, but a doll or whatever would do just as well.”

Associate: “Um… a toy that does make noise when someone walks by?”

Me: “Exactly.”

Associate: “Uh…”

Me: “Oh, it’s for my cat.”

Associate: *stares blankly*

Me: “He’s skittish and keeps peeing in the corner, so I’m going to put a motion-sensor toy over there so that every time he goes into the corner, it will scare him off.”

Associate: *realization dawning that I must be a crazy person* “Oooh! Well, we’ve got these dolls over here.”

Getting Into Some Meaty Discussions

, , , , | Working | November 25, 2017

(I work at a butcher shop. The two main butchers, also the manager and assistant manager, are two men of about 50 years old. One is short and rotund, and is extremely tough looking, but his personality is exactly the opposite. The other guy is humongous, nearly seven feet tall and built like a brick house, mainly because he hauls huge slabs of meat all day. He is a bit simple minded, though, and not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He is also the sweetest person I know. The main form of communication they use, however, is shouting. They’re not angry or anything, they just don’t have inside voices. It’s always funny when we have new customers or new coworkers, because they always jump when they first hear the two shout.)

Customer: “And I’d like a couple of steaks as well—”

Butcher #1: *shouts loudly while chopping up meat* “I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE LIKE THAT!” *whacks cleaver loudly onto the block* “I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK! I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU LEFT!” *whacks again* “I TOLD YOU MULTIPLE TIMES!” *vigorously whacks a final time* “DIDN’T I TELL YOU SO?”

(At this point he walks over to the other butcher, weaving his cleaver around. The regulars are used to this, but the new customers are easily spotted due to their white and shocked faces.)

Customer: “Uh…”

Butcher #2: *shouting even harder* “I KNOW YOU TOLD ME THAT, BUT I DIDN’T EXPECT IT TO BE SO BAD! IT WAS HORRIBLE!”

(He grabs a knife as well, and starts waving it around while he’s looking for his whetstone. The waving around is just his way of emphasizing his point. By now, some customers are genuinely scared.)

Customer: “Are… are they all right? What’s going on?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, it’s nothing; they’re always like that. It’s no big deal.”

Butcher #1: “I TOLD YOU THE BEACH WOULD BE BUSY! IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER!”

Me: “Apparently they’re discussing the beach today. Anything else, sir?”

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