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No Glossing Over It, She’s A Bigot

, , , , , , | Right | September 10, 2022

My best friend and I are shopping in a beauty supply store. We’re in an aisle with a lot of lip gloss, and he has several in his hand. He has a ton of lipgloss at home and loves buying new colors.

Me: *Jokingly* “At this point, you’re basically a lipgloss dragon with your giant hoard.”

Best Friend: “Have you come to slay me, brave knight?” 

Me: “Depends, is your boyfriend a dragon, too? Will he seek vengeance on my descendants for hundreds of years?”

Best Friend: *Laughing* “Your descendants are crunchy and good with ketchup.”

A mother and her daughter are also in the aisle with us. I guess they’ve overheard our conversation because the mother quickly steers her daughter away from the glosses we’ve been touching.

Lady: “No, you don’t want the ones he touched.”

Me: “Well, bless her heart.”

If you’re not familiar with the southern USA, this is kind of like saying, “Well, she’s a b****.” The lady clearly heard me because she turns to look at me.

Lady: “D*** [gay slur].”

A few minutes later, a store employee comes over to us.

Employee: “You two need to leave.”

Me: “Why?”

Employee: “A customer just complained that you called her a racial slur. You need to go.”

Me: “We didn’t, but—”

Best Friend: “It’s okay. We’ll leave so there aren’t any problems.”

He puts the lipgloss back and we leave. He’s clearly a bit upset.

Me: “I’m sorry. That lady was a complete b****.”

Best Friend: “It’s fine. I’m used to it.”

It was seriously annoying how that lady could casually use a slur and then lie about us using one to get us kicked out. Some people aren’t fit to be in polite society.

Extraordinarily Amicable With The Ex

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | August 12, 2022

My ex-husband and I met and became fast friends in 2004. We grew very close over time and became best friends but with no romantic intentions. We saw each other through tough relationships, family tragedies, and everything else under the sun. Somewhere around 2011, we thought it would be a grand idea for us to get married, which we did in 2012. Our marriage carried on much as it always had — as best friends.

After about a year, we realized we didn’t have the proper romantic feelings for each other to sustain a marriage, and we didn’t want to get in each other’s way of actually finding true love, so we had an amicable divorce around 2014. I chose to keep my married name (his last name) because I didn’t feel like doing all the paperwork to update passports and other documents, etc.

I ended up moving around the country many times after that, while he stayed in the same place, but we still talked every day and remained best friends.

In early 2020, he planned a trip to visit me and we spent a couple of days together. He wanted to buy a video game while in town, so we went to a local store. We spent some time looking around and being how we’ve always been together — dumb jokes, laughing nonstop, quippy banter, finishing each other’s sentences, etc. We obviously get along very well and probably seem attached at the hip to any bystander.

When we got to the checkout, I told my ex-husband he could use my points account for a discount.

Cashier: “What’s your phone number, ma’am?”

Me: “[Phone Number].”

Cashier: “And is that under [Last Name]?”

Me: “Yep!”

Ex-Husband: *Snorts* “I forgot that was your last name.”

Me: *Giggling* “Oh, my God! I keep forgetting we have the same last name!”

The cashier perked up and started clapping her hands, squealing with joy.

Cashier: “Ohhhh! Did you guys just get married?! Congratulations!”

We really didn’t want to burst her bubble, but I couldn’t help but tell the truth. 

Me: *Laughing* “Actually, we got divorced about six years ago.”

Cashier: “Oh. Uh, sorry. Here’s your receipt. Have a good day.”

We did feel bad for embarrassing her, but we laughed about it once we got back in my car. It’s now 2022, and we’re still best friends and talk every day, and we’re both still unmarried. We agreed that if things continue to look dismal for marriages for both of us, we definitely won’t get married again, but we’ll grow old together in matching rocking chairs.

Don’t Get All Agitato, My Guy

, , , , , , , | Friendly | April 26, 2022

I’m sitting in the library working on my summary notes for a music extension class, preparing for a viva voce — a kind of oral exam — tomorrow. My best friend comes up behind me and starts reading over my shoulder.

Best Friend: “Why are half your notes in Italian?”

Me: “…I’m actually secretly multilingual and never told you.”

Best Friend: “O… kay… Not gonna lie, I’m a little hurt.”

Me: “My guy, it’s music stuff.”

Best Friend: “OH!”

Just Goku To Sleep Already!

, , , , , | Friendly | April 14, 2022

My best friend talks in his sleep. I’m staying over at his place. In the middle of the night, I hear a deep growling that gets louder and louder. At first, I think I’m having a nightmare, but then I open my eyes and look over to my friend. He’s sitting upright in his bed, eyes closed, and hands balled into fists and stretched up toward the ceiling.

Friend: “RAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

Me: “[Friend]?”

My friend falls back onto his back and continues snoring. I, however, am wide awake. About five minutes later, he wakes up to go to the bathroom. When he comes back…

Me: “[Friend]? Were you a Super Saiyan just now?”

Friend: “Huh? Oh, yeah, that was a Genki Dama.”

And he went back to sleep. I couldn’t; I was laughing too hard. He didn’t remember anything at all the next day!

Maybe Try Some Different Frames

, , , , , | Friendly | November 4, 2021

I have recently been prescribed general use glasses, and I am thrilled to have them. I am eager to show them off to everyone I know, so I call my best friend and tell her I’m coming over to let her see my surprise.

She has her garage open and is cleaning it out while her young daughter plays. When I pull up on the curb and get out of my car, the daughter comes running up to me and I pick her up to let her see my glasses. A moment later, my friend comes running from around her own car and then stops.

Friend: “You look so different with those on.”

Me: “Were you about to scream, ‘Put my child down! Help! Kidnapper!’?”

Friend: “I only saw you out of the corner of my eye, so I was about to attack you, yes.”