Meet My Friend, Gaston!

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 2, 2019

(In my early 20s, my best friend decides I should date her boyfriend’s roommate. We have seen each other at group gatherings, or whenever I go see my best friend at her place. I don’t think we are a good match, so I kind of just ignore the subtle pushing until my best friend decides to have a straightforward discussion about it.)

Best Friend: “Why don’t you try dating [Boyfriend’s Roommate]?

Me: “I don’t think we have anything in common, really. I don’t see us be anything, even as friends on our own I’m not sure…”

Best Friend: “Don’t say that; you both play [music instrument]!”  

Me: “Yeah, but I believe that’s where it stops. Otherwise, what hobbies does he have? Going to see strippers?”

Best Friend: “Oh, I’m sure that he’d stop going if he had a girlfriend.”

Me: “I’m not so sure about that.”

(I don’t want to start a debate about this kind of industry. I also don’t want to have to explain how starting a relationship with someone on the hope I’ll make the guy change is a terrible idea. People don’t change, seriously.)

Me: “Also, the only other thing I have seen him do or talk about is smoking weed.” *not legal at that time* “Which, you know, I’m no crusader against, but I still disapprove of recreational drug use.”

Best Friend: “You have to cut him some slack; he can’t drink alcohol.”

Me: “Well… I may drink a glass here and there, but I’m no big fan either. I just can’t see myself having to skirt around my own boyfriend whenever he’s under influence, or have me withdraw all the time for his habits.”

Best Friend: “Don’t be like that; he has some good points, too! Like, he’s still a gentleman and strives for higher education lately.”

Me: “He called me a witch when I said a three-syllable word!”

(Thankfully, she stopped there and so did the date pushing.)

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BFF = Barely Friends, Frankly

, , , , | Friendly | November 15, 2019

(I am in the last few lingering weeks of high school and waiting for life to begin. I have a “BFF” who I love with my whole heart; we have experienced so much together over our formative years and thought we’d be besties for all our lives, be each other’s bridesmaids, have kids together, and go and be old ladies in a nursing home together. However, the last couple of weeks, I haven’t seen much of her and she’s been really weird to talk to. I’ve also had her boyfriend — another good friend of mine — on the phone to me in tears because she’s ghosting him, too. I’m working at a cinema taking tickets when who should wander up but my “BFF” and some guy from school, holding hands and giggling together. She looks up and sees me and looks furtive, but says hi and hands me the tickets. The tickets are for an 18+ movie, which she is not; nor is the guy. My mind is racing and my heart is kind of falling apart a bit.)

Me: “Um…”

BFF: *gives me a hopeful “go on” smile*

Me: “Um, I’m going to go and clean somewhere. Why don’t you go for a walk and come back in five minutes when someone else is here?”

(BFF looked surprised but said, “Okay,” and walked off, and I didn’t see them again that night. I don’t know how they bought the tickets without ID, I don’t know why they thought I was going to just smile and let them in, I don’t know why they chose to come to my cinema on a night she knew I was working, and I don’t know if this is a NAW, NAR, or NAWhat. I do know that I never really spoke to her after that — having spent the last five years speaking multiple times a day — and that she broke up with her boyfriend in the next couple of weeks — he found out about the other guy before I could tell him. When you’re a teen you think you have the world sorted out… until you don’t.)

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Ordainers Can’t Be Choosers

, , , , | Friendly | July 18, 2019

(My best friend and I are both 25. She has been married for a year now, and I can’t remember the last time I went on a second date. She’s telling me that she and her husband both got ordained from some online group.)

Me: “You’re not going to be my maid of honor now; you’re going to be the one performing the wedding.”

Friend: “Or both! Or [Husband] can perform the wedding, since your spouse might not be close enough with him to have him as a groomsman. Or bridesman.”

Me: “Future spouse will probably be a man.”

Friend: “At this point, can you afford to be picky?”

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Don’t Ask Questions If You Don’t Want Answers

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 25, 2019

(My boyfriend’s best friend was a bit promiscuous during his teens and early twenties and, as such, has many past conquests and ex-partners in our small English village. One day, at a BBQ, [Friend] introduces his new girlfriend, who he met online. She is fairly young and naive, and spends the entire time insulting people without realising it. They have only been dating a short time. She wastes no time in cornering me and trying to inquire about [Friend]’s past relationships.)

Me: “I really don’t feel comfortable telling you about that stuff. That’s something you need to talk about with him.”

Girl: “Come on! It can’t be that bad! Just because you look like a slut it doesn’t mean everyone is.”

Me: “You really want the truth?”

Girl: “Come on! Just tell me! I need to know.”

Me: “He’s slept with her… And her… And that woman over there with the baby? They went out two years ago before she met her husband. He kissed… her… Cheated on her…” *names almost every female at the party* “Oh. And I’m pretty sure he and my boyfriend fooled around a few times when they were teenagers, too. Did that answer your question?”

(The girl ran away crying. I really shouldn’t have risen to the bait and given her an answer, but she made me so angry. Luckily, my friend saw the funny side. Apparently, he had disclosed all of what I had said before the party and had been completely honest with her. The girl had thought that he was exaggerating.)

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I Drink Your Milkshake!

, , , , | Friendly | March 31, 2019

(While doing some running around, I decide to treat myself. It’s spring and milkshakes are available at the local burger place. I use the drive-thru and order a small chocolate one, and while I’m waiting, another vehicle pulls up. I notice because their music is loud and I can see them rocking out in their car. It is bright outside and while I can see there are two people, I cannot make out any details to identify them. I pull up to the window.)

Worker: “It’s free. Have a good day.”

Me: “Really?”

Worker: “Really.”

Me: “Okay. Is it a promotional thing or something?”

Worker: “No.”

Me: “Okay, then why is it free?”

Worker: “Oh, your friend is paying for it.”

Me: “My friend?”

Worker: *clearly getting annoyed* “Yes, your friend in the car behind you. Have a nice day.”

(She closes the window before I can say another word. I pull forward, trying to see who is in the car behind me, but with the sun reflecting I can’t see into the vehicle. It gets to the point that either I continue blocking the drive-thru or I give up. The drive-thru is full, so I decide it’s best to keep moving. I leave the drive-thru, and about a block later my cell goes off. I arrive at my next stop, check my messages, and reply)

Best Friend: “Figure out who paid for your shake yet?”

Me: “No. I couldn’t see into the car; the sun was reflecting too much.”

Best Friend: “That sucks. Is the chocolate shake at least good?”

(I finally realized she was the one who’d bought my shake and I thanked her. FYI: she’s still laughing at me.)

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