Where There’s Smoke…

, , , , | Related | February 14, 2018

(At my primary school, there is a disciplinary system where students receive a verbal warning, then two yellow cards, then a red card. My little brother is quite badly behaved, and is inseparable from his two best friends. This is when he is six or seven years old.)

Little Brother: *running to Mum at pickup* “Guess what?! [Best Friend #1] and [Best Friend #2] both got straight red cards today!”

Mum: “Really? Must have been a terrible thing they did.”

Little Brother: “Yeah! They brought in a big pack of matches and set a fire in the playground!”

Mum: “And where were you during all this?”

Little Brother: “Oh, I was off collecting firewood.”

The Loyalty Beasts Are Here To Help

, , , , , | Friendly | January 16, 2018

(My best friend has an interview fairly early in the morning. I set an alarm even earlier so I can send her a text to wish her best of luck beforehand. Instead, she gets this…)

My Text: “Greg wish you beasts of loyalty!”

(She did get the job.)

Friends That Drink Together, Stick Together

, , , , , | Friendly | December 25, 2017

(We draw names for a Secret Santa gift exchange at work. Two coworkers have been good friends for many years, predating their employment at our car dealership. They used to be housemates, hang out all the time, get their families together, have regular poker nights, take vacations together, etc. One of the best friends opens his present from [Coworker #1]. It is a bottle of his favorite Scotch. He is thrilled, and his best friend is intensely jealous. A few gifts later, it is the other friend’s turn to open his gift. He receives… a bottle of the same Scotch.)

Best Friend #1: ‘How did you know exactly what to get me?’

Coworker #1: “I asked [Best Friend #2].”

Best Friend #2: *to [Coworker #2]* “And how did you know what to get me?”

Coworker #2: “I asked [Best Friend #1].”

Best Friend #2: “So, we both knew the other was getting what we wanted, but not that we were getting the same thing?”

Coworker #2: “Apparently!”

(We all knew they’d probably end up drinking them together, anyway.)

How We Know You Care (Package)

, , , , | Hopeless | December 6, 2017

(One of my best friends has always been very grounded and calm. Outwardly, she’s not really affectionate or sentimental at all, but she’s just the kind of person who prefers actions over words, and is in fact a total den mom.)

Me: “Hey, you remember my coworker I told you about?”

Best Friend: “The one you only mention everyday? The one who must have been your twin in another lifetime? Nope, I’m drawing a blank.”

Me: “I know you guys will love her! Can we set up a movie day? I really want everyone to meet her.”

Best Friend: “I’m surprised we haven’t already.”

(My coworker is glad to hang out with us, but understandably self-conscious about being the new girl in a group who’ve all known each other for years. [Best Friend] is welcoming, but so laid back all the time that our new friend is nervous she might not care much for her, despite my reassurances. Fast forward a few weeks: We’ve all planned to go to the beach together, but we get a text from [New Friend] that morning.)

New Friend: “Hey, can’t come today. My dad had a stroke and died last night.”

(We all start flooding her with texts and calls to make sure she’s okay, but she doesn’t want to talk or see anyone. The only text [Best Friend] sends after a short time is:)

Best Friend: “I’m out, too.”

(It took days for us to find out that a couple hours later, [Best Friend] showed up at her apartment with a huge care package of groceries, tissue boxes, and items for [New Friend’s] puppy. When [New Friend] broke down, she stayed, let [New Friend] cry herself to sleep on her, walked the puppy, and started a big crock pot of stew that would last a few days so [New Friend] wouldn’t have to worry about “trivial and mundane” things (in [Best Friend’s] words) like food while she was mourning. [Best Friend] didn’t think to mention any of this to us until [New Friend] herself brought it up, and it cemented [New Friend’s] place in the group. She never again doubted how much [Best Friend] cared, we’ve all been friends since, and we no longer let [Best Friend] do things like that on her own without letting us pitch in.)

They Act Like They’re Baked

, , , , , , , | Working | November 30, 2017

(My BFF and I run a small bakery. We are very sarcastic with each other and our employees:)

BFF: *texting* “Not coming in today.”

Me: “Really? You are only four hours late. I didn’t even miss you.”

BFF: “Slow?”

Me: “Turtle, slug, slime creeping; what is slower?”

BFF: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Watching Deadwood, cleaning the office, surfing porn (not really).”

BFF: “Go home. Girls can handle the front.”

Me: “No! Then I would have to watch TMNT, clean the kitchen, and surf Pinterest. Work is way better!”

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