I have the very unfortunate luck to have bad seasonal allergies during this world health crisis.

I need to run some errands that my grandma normally does, but it’s safer for me to go, instead. Today, my allergies are especially bad, even with my medication, but it’s my day off of work so I gotta tough it out.

I’m at the grocery store — with a mask on, of course — when a woman walks by me with a strong-smelling perfume. Certain scents bother me a lot, and lucky me, this is one of those. I start to have a sneezing attack. Yes, I’m sneezing into my elbow. When I finish, I notice that the same woman is glaring at me — without a mask, might I add.

Smelly Perfume Woman: *Sharply* “If you’re sick, stay home.”

Me: *Caught off guard* “I have allergies. I’m not sick.”

Smelly Perfume Woman: “And I’m the Queen of England. Leave.”

Me: “After I finish my shopping.” 

I briskly walk down a random aisle in order to get away before her perfume causes me to sneeze again. I think that’s the end of it. I finish my shopping and check out, no problem. While loading into my car, I end up sneezing again. Who’s walking by but [Smelly Perfume Woman]? Just my luck.

Smelly Perfume Woman: “Why the h*** are you still here?! You’ll infect us all.”

Me: “Says the person who’s not wearing a mask.”

Smelly Perfume Woman: “I have a medical condition!”

Me: *Under my breath* “Last time I checked, stupidity isn’t a medical condition.”

Smelly Perfume Woman: *Snapping* “You need to go home if you’re sick!”

She turns her nose up and struts off, leaving me with a raised eyebrow.

Me: “That really just happened.”

Related:
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 16
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 15
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 14
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 13
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 12

It’s Halloween night with an endless parade of kids and their parents, but I’m quite enjoying myself, handing out candy and seeing all the costumes. I’m standing by the kitchen counter and making sure the bowl of candy is full while keeping an eye on the security door. A lone kid comes up wearing a bright blue wig of hair that stands straight up and an orange outfit that is very familiar to me. I immediately geek out inside.

Me: “Hey! Goku!” 

Trick-or-Treater: *Throws his head back* “Finally! Someone who doesn’t think I’m a troll!” 

Me: *Opening the door* “No way, man, you’re Kakarot!” 

I gave him an extra-large handful of candy. After he left, I wondered if anyone else would know his costume, other than a thirty-year-old woman.

I work in a gas station. The cashier speaks broken English but is the sweetest lady you’ll ever meet. The manager is extremely customer-oriented, known for sucking up to customers to ensure repeat business. A customer comes up and slams an item down on the counter.

Customer: “Give me my money back for this piece of s***!”

Cashier: “No problem, sir. Could I please see your receipt?”

Customer: “Whatever.”

The customer also slams the receipt down on the counter.

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, but this is a copy and we have to have the original receipt. Do you have it?”

Customer: “What the f*** do you mean? Why can’t you just do it with that?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, but I have to have it.”

Customer: “I hate all you f***ers in Arizona; you’re all a bunch of f****** idiots! Useless!”

He goes out to his car to get the original receipt. When he comes back, he slams it down on the counter, as well.

Customer: “There! Now give me my f****** money!”

Cashier: “Okay, sir, let me call my manager, because I’m not allowed to complete returns.”

Customer: “No, you’re f****** not! You’re gonna give my my f****** money right f****** now! This is bulls***!”

At this point, everyone in the travel plaza can hear him screaming, and the manager runs out from the office.

Manager: “I’m so sorry about that, sir. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “Just give me my f****** money!”

Manager: “Sure thing, sir. I just need to know why you’re returning this item so I can process the return. Corporate requires it.”

Customer: “I don’t have to f****** tell you anything! I hate this g**d***ed state! You’re all idiots, every single f****** one of you!”

Manager: “You know what? I don’t need your business! Get out.”

Customer: “No, you’re going to refund my f****** money!”

Manager: “Get out, or I’m calling the cops!”

Customer: “Call the cops! I’d love to talk to them! I’m f****** security at [Fast Food Restaurant]; my badge is in the car. They won’t do s***!”

My manager calls 911, and when the customer realizes he’s serious about it, he tries to leave with his unpaid-for soda.

Manager: “Sir, you haven’t paid for that!”

Customer: “Oooh! Big f****** deal!”

He slams two dollars on the counter.

Customer: “Keep the f****** change, a**hole!”

Manager: “Actually, sir, the soda is $2.17, so that’s not enough.”

The customer throws the soda.

Customer: “F*** this place!”

The customer ran outside and made faces at the manager through the window, got in his car, and made laps around the gas pumps, before flying out of our parking lot at least at 100 mph, running a red light in the process.

When I am ten years old, I beg my mom for a cat and she finally relents. We bring home the cutest but fiercest black and white girl. Ten years later, my live-in boyfriend at the time and I are driving her back from visiting my parents for the holidays and she is meowing the entire way with me answering her with small reassurances. He is so amused by me having a conversation with a cat, commenting on how she doesn’t understand me anyway.

A few years after that, she passes. There are many tears from both of us, but we eventually move on, and he gets me another cat who turns out to be an absolute daddy’s girl, while he gets himself a male cat.

I am walking by his office when I hear the following conversation with “the other woman” in his life.

Cat: “Meow.”

Fiance: “Yeah, well, she told you not to do that.”

Cat: “Meoooow.”

Fiance: “Fine, I’ll talk to her about feeding you on time. I have to go get something. You aren’t going to steal my chair, are you?”

Cat: “Mew?”

Fiance: “I am going to have to pick you up if you do.”

Cat: *Indignantly* “Meow!”

Fiance: “Okay. I will be right back.”

I walked away laughing hysterically before he could see me.

Related:
A Whisker Away From Insanity

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When I am at a physical therapy session, two of the other patients start a political debate. I know better than to get involved, but I do hear this gem.

Patient: “Look at Benjamin Franklin! He invented the printing press, then he could get all the money from making the printing press and pursue his life’s work, like inventing the lightbulb.”

I was vastly amused, after I got done being appalled that a woman in her thirties could be so ignorant.