(A customer approaches the ticket drop, holding a half bottle of wine.)

Me: “You cannot bring that in here, ma’am. That is against the law.”

Customer: “What?! I need to bring this in! I can’t just leave it in my car! There is a law about open containers being in cars in this state.”

Me: “How did you manage to bring it all the way here, then?”

Customer: “Oh, it wasn’t opened when I left. I drank it on the way here.”

Me: “So, you had an open container and you were drinking on the way here in your car?”

Customer: “No! I hung the bottle out the window on the way here, and put my head out the window when I was drinking, so it doesn’t count!”

Me: “Okay, I’m going to call the police now. You wait here.”

Customer: “Okay! Is he going to hold this for me while I watch my movie?”

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(It is nine am. I am serving a mother and her young son.)

Me: “Can I get you anything to drink while you’re looking at the menus?”

Mom: “What’s in a Roy Rogers?”

Me: “Grenadine and Coke.”

Son: “I want that!”

Mom: “No, you can’t have Coke for breakfast!” *to me* “Can you make it with Sprite instead?”

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(A customer puts beer on the table to buy.)

Me: “Can I see your ID, please, sir?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have it.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell this to you. You have to have a valid ID.”

Customer: “Can’t you tell I’m 21?”

Me: “Yes, sir, but policy requires me to ID you if you look under 40.”

Customer: “Well, I have this… Will it work? You guys have taken it before when I bought beer.”

(Customer hands me a pink government paper with his name and information on it.)

Me: “What is this?”

Customer: “My DUI report.”

Customer: “My phone is broken, but it’s only two months old. I need a replacement.”

Me: “If your phone is less than three months old, I can give you a replacement today. Just let me have a look at it.”

Customer: “Why do you need to see it? It doesn’t work, and I was told if it broke within three months I get a new phone straight away.”

Me: “That’s right, but there are conditions, one being that the phone can’t have any liquid or physical damage. I need to check for that.”

Customer: “Fine, here.”

(When I open up the phone, it stinks of alcohol.)

Me: “Sorry, this smells like it has alcohol on it.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I dropped it in the sink and I know you won’t fix it if it has water damage, but I didn’t have any ethylated spirits, so I soaked it in vodka for two days to dry it out.”

Me: “You’ve just ruined your phone, and now I can’t give you another one.”

Customer: “What?! This is ridiculous! You should be more specific when you sell phones! You need to tell people that they can’t soak it in vodka!”

(I’ve finished ringing up a customer with a cart full of booze and cigarettes.)

Me: “Your total today is $498.34.”

(The customer pulls out a check that has been taped together, having obviously been ripped in half at some point. It even has VOID written on it. He proceeds to scratch out the information on the check and write in our store name and the amount).

Me: “You know I can’t take that check, right?”

Customer: “This is my check, and you take checks for payment. You are going to take this d*** check!”

(The customer gives me the check.)

Me: “I can’t approve this. Let me get my manager.”

(I go and get my manager.)

Manager: “Can I see your driver’s license, please?”

Customer: “Whatever. Here.”

Manager: “I need to make a copy of this, just a minute.”

(The name on the check and the driver’s license don’t match, so the manager returns with security.)

Manager: “If you would come with me to our office, the police will be here soon.”

Customer: “It’s my d*** check! I found it in the trash!”

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