(It is past closing time, all the lights are off and the gate is half-closed. I come out of the back to find a woman standing in the store.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re closed.”

Customer: *slurred* “But I need to buy some peanut butter.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’ll have to come back tomorrow morning. We open at 10:00.”

Customer: “I thought you were open till 9:00 pm? You shouldn’t be closing early. That’s bad business.”

Me: “It’s past 9:00 pm, ma’am.”

Customer: “But the bartender downstairs said it was another half hour until all the stores closed.”

Me: “How long ago was that?”

Customer: “It couldn’t have been too long. I only had a couple of drinks after he told me.”

Me: “That will be [price] for three packs of Jello. Will there be anything else for you today?”

Customer: “No. No, thank you. My granddaughter is turning 21!”

Me: “How nice! Are these for her party?”

Customer: “She is having a party tonight and asked me to buy her Jello so she could have Jello shots. I’m so glad she is not drinking and instead just having Jello. I must have raised her right!”

Me: “Hi there! Welcome to [Store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Customer: “Yes. Do you sell wine?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t sell alcohol.”

Customer: “But… but this is Texas!”

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(A drunk guest comes down and wants their car but we refuse to give it to him because he is intoxicated. We call him a cab and ask if he needs his house key off his key ring.)

Customer: “Oh, yeah. I might need that.”

Me: “Okay, which one is it?”

Customer: “It’s that black one right there.”

Me: “Sir, that’s your car key. Which one is your house key?”

Customer: “No, really. It’s that black one.”

Me: “No… that’s your car key.”

Customer: “You don’t understand; I made it universal. It opens everything in my house.”

Me: “Okay, I’m just going to give you everything but the car key. Have a nice night, sir.”

This story part of our “Customers so stupid they should not be alive” roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Hilarious Stories About Customers Versus Mother Nature

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Me: “Hi, what can I do for you this evening?”

Customer: *visibly intoxicated* “I need a room.”

(After arguing with her for a good ten minutes about the cost per night, the customer settles on a standard room. A few hours later, she calls.)

Me: “Front desk.”

Customer: “My phone isn’t working.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Customer: “Girl, I am sure! My phone is not working.”

Me: “Is it not working when you are trying to dial out? Make sure you’re pressing ‘9’ before you dial the number you’re trying to reach.”

Customer: “No, I know that! I read that. It’s not working. No dial tone, nothing.”

Me: “Ma’am, aren’t you calling me from the room phone?”

*Silence for a moment.*

Customer: “While I’ve got you on here, can you order me ribs?”

Me: “From the restaurant next door?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m not required to do that. The number for the restaurant is in your guest directory found in the drawer of the desk in your room.”

Customer: “But my phone isn’t working!”