(I am going shopping before work, to get an iced tea. I am in my scrubs; I work at a veterinary hospital.)

Sales Clerk: “Oh, we’re having a promotion; if you sign up, you can get discounts on makeup purchases.”

Me: *tired* “Oh, no, thanks. I never wear makeup; it just gets licked off.”

Sales Clerk: *pause* “I hope you work at a veterinary hospital.”

Me: *pause, eyes widen* “Oh! Oh. Yes. Sorry! That came out wrong!”

(She thanked me for making her laugh, but I still feel incredibly awkward!)

(A young man and his girlfriend check in to our hotel with the man’s credit card. They stay a few days, and when it’s time for them to check out, the girlfriend comes up to the desk with an air of great impatience.)

Girlfriend: “Hi. I need to extend my stay for another week. Room [number].”

(Following protocol, I first check to see if we have availability. We do. Then, I notice a credit card on file, and check the authorization of it. It goes through. I remake the girlfriend’s keys and give them to her.)

Me: “All set!”

Girlfriend: “Thanks!” *dashes off*

(She does this a few times, always extending her stay when it is time to check out. Later I get a call. It’s the young man.)

Young Man: “Hello. I’ve noticed that my card keeps getting charged ever since I’ve checked out?”

Me: *after checking computer* “Yes, I believe your girlfriend is still staying there; she’s extended her stay? [Girlfriend]?”

Young Man: “She is?! Oh, no. Okay, I’ll tell her to pay. Don’t use my card!”

Me: “Okay.”

(Later, he demanded a refund. Turns out that he demanded that she pay, and she hung up on him, left without a trace, and never answered again. Some people…)

(My part of Phoenix is known for being mostly upper-middle-class. I mention this to add to the ridiculousness of this lady’s request. It also is worth noting at the time this happens, gas prices are a record high at $4.50 a gallon. A lady approaches the register with just a stalk of celery and a competitor’s flyer.)

Me: “Morning, ma’am. How are you?”

Lady: *already complaining* “Fine. You are so far out of my way. Why are you so far away? [Competitor] is closer to me, you know. Why are you so far away?”

Me: *trying to be good-natured, though knowing full well I have no control over location* “I guess someone thought it was a good location. [Competitor] is farther away from my house, anyhow.”

Lady: *waving me off* “Do you price match? Your celery is $1.30 and [Competitor]’s is $1.29.”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. Let me ask.”

(The customer service cashier, who has been listening, informs her that it is not something we do. For some reason, the lady instantly gets agitated.)

Lady: “Why not? It is a f****** penny! [Competitor] does this! And they aren’t so d*** far away! No wonder your customer service sucks! You don’t care about your customers at all!”

Me: “I am sorry you feel that way, ma’am. Would you still like your celery?”

Lady: “Of course not! I am going to [Competitor]!” *throws celery on counter and storms out*

(I still wonder what kind of person drives twenty minutes out of their way to try and save a penny on celery. Recession or not, the gas alone paid for the celery threefold!)

(I work customer service for a financial bank. It is Columbus Day, and the night is actually pretty slow. Most people probably assume we are closed. One of the last calls of the night:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]! My name is [My Name]. May I have your full name?

Customer: “Oh! I’m speaking to a black lady! How wonderful! You have a lovely black voice. You are African-American, aren’t you?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t feel that is relevant to the call today. May I have your full name, or how may I assist today?”

Customer: “You’re not black? I usually always end up with a white lady or some lady in the Philippines.”

(I lifeguard at a local pool, and one of the rules we have to enforce is no long breath-holding. The reason is that the patrons can look dead. Usually it’s not enforced because the kids are clearly still alive, but not in this case. I notice a woman lying face-down in the water, completely motionless. As I watch her, wondering if she’s unconscious, she sits back up. I hop out of the chair, and walk over to her.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m afraid you can’t lie face-down in the water like that.”

Woman: “Why?”

Me: “Because from the lifeguard’s perspective you could be drowning.”

Woman: “No, if I was drowning I’d be more relaxed. That’s how you can tell I’m not drowning; I’m not relaxed enough.”

Me: “Well, you looked pretty relaxed from where I was, and I couldn’t properly tell, so—”

Woman: “No, I wasn’t relaxed enough. If I was drowning I’d be all relaxed. Trust me. My friend’s a lifeguard; he knows all about this stuff.”

Me: *wearing my guard shorts, shirt, fanny pack, and whistle, and carrying the rescue tube* “Well, be that as it may, it’s still the rule, so if you didn’t do it anymore, I’d appreciate it.”

(She did stop, or at least, until I rotated out from that chair.)