Not A Very Relaxing Encounter

(I lifeguard at a local pool, and one of the rules we have to enforce is no long breath-holding. The reason is that the patrons can look dead. Usually it’s not enforced because the kids are clearly still alive, but not in this case. I notice a woman lying face-down in the water, completely motionless. As I watch her, wondering if she’s unconscious, she sits back up. I hop out of the chair, and walk over to her.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m afraid you can’t lie face-down in the water like that.”

Woman: “Why?”

Me: “Because from the lifeguard’s perspective you could be drowning.”

Woman: “No, if I was drowning I’d be more relaxed. That’s how you can tell I’m not drowning; I’m not relaxed enough.”

Me: “Well, you looked pretty relaxed from where I was, and I couldn’t properly tell, so—”

Woman: “No, I wasn’t relaxed enough. If I was drowning I’d be all relaxed. Trust me. My friend’s a lifeguard; he knows all about this stuff.”

Me: *wearing my guard shorts, shirt, fanny pack, and whistle, and carrying the rescue tube* “Well, be that as it may, it’s still the rule, so if you didn’t do it anymore, I’d appreciate it.”

(She did stop, or at least, until I rotated out from that chair.)