Wings Of Ambition

, , , , , | Related | June 27, 2017

(I’m babysitting my nephews. We’re sitting at the table coloring on paper. I like to ask them questions, talk about their day, etc. and I decide to bring up the age-old question:)

Me: “So, [Eldest Nephew], what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Eldest Nephew: “I’m going to be a GIANT bird, and I’m going to take over the whole earth!”

(He’s only six and his life goal is world domination. Yikes!)

Mom Thinks Your Problem Is Licked

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2017

(One teacher sends drug dogs to do a search at my high school. I have undiagnosed autism and bipolar disorder. The mere idea of anyone, even a dog, touching my backpack is enough to freak me out for days. My mom is also a teacher there.)

Mom: “Don’t worry. The dogs didn’t actually sniff anything. It was just practice.”

Me: *pulls out my breakfast* “Well, someone licked the cream cheese on my bagel.”

(My mom continued to insist no one had been in the bags. I got another breakfast.)

Wants To Be The Belle Of The Ball

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2017

(I have two children separated by two years and 10 days. We used to have a joint birthday party when they were kids, on the Saturday between their birthdays. In ’93, Daughter was eight and Son was six. When we started planning the party the kids asked for “a Disney Princess party.” Son was, I think, more excited than his sister, so we said yes. When we went to the costume store we started looking at the Prince costumes for Son while Daughter immediately latched on to Ariel because she has red hair, just like her. It was here that a store employee approaches us.)

Employee: “How can I help you?”

Me: “We’re doing a Disney birthday party for my kids.”

Son: “Disney Princess.”

Me: “So we were looking for a Prince costume.”

Son: “No, I don’t want to be a Prince.”

Me & Employee: “What?”

Son: “It’s a Princess party. I don’t want to be a Prince.”

Me: “[Son], what do you want to be then?”

Son: “Belle! She’s the most prettiest.”

Employee: “He can’t be Belle.”

Me: “Hold on. If he wants to be Belle, he can be.”

Employee: “What is wrong with you, dressing your son up like a girl? You probably wanted another daughter, didn’t you?”

(By the time the manager arrived my son was in tears sobbing, “It’s my birthday!” and the employee was yelling at me that I was trying to turn my son gay by forcing him to dress like a Princess. In the end my son got to be Belle. He has a six-year-old daughter of his own now, who has asked for a Disney Princess party for her birthday, which prompted Son to remember this incident and call me to reminisce.)

Strange Bedfellows

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2017

(My oldest sister and I are visiting our youngest sister for several days. Youngest sister has a family of five and no guest room, so she puts us on a sofa-bed in the living room. One of my nephews wakes up just before dawn and for some reason comes downstairs and tries to crawl in with us. At home I am used to having to defend my part of the bed from two German shepherds, and I evidently boot him out without actually waking up. He isn’t hurt but I get an earful from my sisters in the morning. We are all in the car, running some last minute errands before I leave to return home, when this conversation took place.)

Nephew: “Is Aunt [My Name] going home?”

Youngest Sister: “Yes, honey. She’s leaving right after we go see Grandpa.”

Nephew: “Is Aunt [Oldest Sister] going home?”

Oldest Sister: “No, I get to stay at your house for two more nights. You can come downstairs in the morning and cuddle with me all you want.” *with a significant glance in my direction*

Nephew: “Is Mamma going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Oldest Sister: “No, Mamma is going to sleep upstairs in her own bed.”

Nephew: “Is Daddy going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Youngest Sister: “Not if he knows what’s good for him.”

April Fool’s Also Happens Every Other Month

, , , , | Related | June 25, 2017

(This takes place a few years ago on April Fool’s Day. A few things it’s important to note: my father appears to be a very gruff and stoic man, but has a hidden and dark sense of humor; his job involves a lot of people with power tools, and he’s already had to get stitches twice before, due to accidents; and I’m a HUGE worrywort with a tendency to think the worst-case scenario is happening.)

Me: *picks up call from my father’s cell phone* “Hey, Dad, are you working overtime again? The ribs are gonna take a while in the oven, so I was thinking of getting them started now.”

Dad: “I don’t think I’ll be home for dinner tonight, kiddo. I’m actually at the hospital now. One of the guys dropped his chainsaw, and… well, I lost a couple fingers.”

(He’s also always been incredibly calm in such situations; the last time he had to go the hospital, his co-workers told me he complained more about having to use his newspaper to staunch the blood!)

Me: “What?! Oh, my god! Let me call [Brother #1]; we’ll get [Brother #2] from work on the way and be right th—”

(Obviously I’m panicking, so it takes a bit for me to realize that he’s cracking up.)

Dad: “I thought you love to read. Why not read the calendar?”

(I look at the calendar on the fridge.)

Me: “Why you… It’s not a fair April Fool’s joke if it happens to you ALL THE TIME!”

(He brought me a chocolate bar to make up for messing with me like that, at least.)

Page 2/1,53912345...Last