Baking And Math Don’t Care About Your Opinion

, , , , , , | Related | September 24, 2020

My sister is making a cake, and I notice that there seems to be an awful lot of batter for the size of the pans.

Me: “I don’t think that’s going to fit.”

Sister: “I followed the recipe.”

Me: “Can I see?”

I skim the recipe and notice that it calls for twenty-three-centimetre pans.

Me: “Your pans are way too small.”

Sister: “No, I didn’t want the cake to be that big, so I cut the recipe in half.”

Me: “Okay, but your pans are still too small.”

Sister: “No, the recipe says twenty-three centimeters; these are about twelve. They’ll be fine.”

Me: “But they’re round pans.”

Sister: “So?”

Me: “So, the volume of a cylinder is pi R squared times the height. A cylinder with a radius that’s half as big will have a quarter of the volume.”

Sister: “That doesn’t make sense.”

Me: “Yes, it does. Look, five squared is twenty-five, right? And ten squared is a hundred. A pan that’s half the volume of a twenty-three-centimetre pan if it’s the same height would have a diameter of…” *does the math on my phone* “…about sixteen centimetres.”

Sister: “Well, that’s your opinion.”

Me: *Incredulous pause* “It is literally math.”

Sister: *Scoffing* “Whatever. It’ll be fine.”

Naturally, the pans overflowed in the oven and it made a huge mess. Baking is not a good place for people who are bad at math.

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O Brother, Where Art Thou?

, , , , | Related | September 23, 2020

I have two girls, ages four and two, and am visibly pregnant with my third child. My mother is watching the younger girl while I do a quick run to the grocery store with my elder daughter.

A random stranger comes up to me who clearly wants to rub my belly but is restraining herself.

Stranger: “Ooh, a new baby!” *To my daughter* “Are you hoping for a brother or a sister?”

My four-year-old speaks up VERY loudly in that way that only four-year-olds can.

Daughter: “I want a brother because I already have a sister and one’s enough of those.”

A nearby cashier tried very hard not to laugh.

My daughter did get her wish. She and her sister are still very close, though, thirty-five years later!

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Be More Careful Aboot That

, , , , | Related | September 22, 2020

My brother is autistic and lives in a group home. He broke his foot and was given a cast and a walking boot to go over it. He had to get his cast redone because he would walk around without the boot and his cast cracked. He comes to visit us and often walks around without his boot. This conversation happens more than once.

Mom: “Where is your boot?”

Brother: “Over there.”

After several days of this:

Mom: “Where is your boot?”

Brother: “Over there.”

Me: “When we say, ‘Where is your boot?’ that’s code for, ‘Why aren’t you wearing it?’”

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A Whisker Away From Insanity, Part 2

, , , , , | Related | September 22, 2020

When I am ten years old, I beg my mom for a cat and she finally relents. We bring home the cutest but fiercest black and white girl. Ten years later, my live-in boyfriend at the time and I are driving her back from visiting my parents for the holidays and she is meowing the entire way with me answering her with small reassurances. He is so amused by me having a conversation with a cat, commenting on how she doesn’t understand me anyway.

A few years after that, she passes. There are many tears from both of us, but we eventually move on, and he gets me another cat who turns out to be an absolute daddy’s girl, while he gets himself a male cat.

I am walking by his office when I hear the following conversation with “the other woman” in his life.

Cat: “Meow.”

Fiance: “Yeah, well, she told you not to do that.”

Cat: “Meoooow.”

Fiance: “Fine, I’ll talk to her about feeding you on time. I have to go get something. You aren’t going to steal my chair, are you?”

Cat: “Mew?”

Fiance: “I am going to have to pick you up if you do.”

Cat: *Indignantly* “Meow!”

Fiance: “Okay. I will be right back.”

I walked away laughing hysterically before he could see me.

A Whisker Away From Insanity

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Best Not To Pursue This Younique Vector, Part 2

, , , | Related | September 21, 2020

In late 2019, I lose my job to downsizing. While my husband and I are out shopping shortly thereafter, his mother calls.

Husband: “Hello?” *Pause* “Hang on.”

He puts the phone on loudspeaker and turns the volume down.

Husband: “What’s going on?”

Mother-In-Law: “I just went by your house.”

She lives over an hour away, so showing up out of the blue is uncommon.

Husband: “Any particular reason?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, I just wanted to tell you about the great deal [Multi-Level Marketing Company] has right now!”

She has been in this MLM for nearly twenty years. She will “recruit” when there are rewards she wants and then harass her recruits into finding more people so she gets greater rewards. We made the mistake of enrolling about ten years ago but cancelled after a few months of her harassing us about “not wanting to build a business.”

Husband: “No, thanks.”

Mother-On-Law: “But you enrolled before!”

Husband: “And unenrolled. We aren’t interested.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, how long will you be out? Are you coming home soon?”

Husband: “We are not interested.”

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name] could do it; she doesn’t have a job. It’s easy!”

Husband: “Mom. Listen to me. The answer is no. Never again.”

My mother-in-law growls and hangs up.

Me: “Is she serious?”

Husband: *Sigh* “Oh, probably.”

The next day, she texts me.

Mother-In-Law: “You liked [Multi-Level Marketing Company] products, right? They’re so much better for you than grocery store products!”

Me: “I’m not enrolling again.”

I get no answer.

A week passes without a word from her. Then, a package with [Multi-Level Marketing Company] on the box, in my name, is delivered to our front porch. My husband calls his mom, but she doesn’t answer. At the same time, I call [Multi-Level Marketing Company] directly, not willing to give [Mother-In-Law] a chance to explain. The representative is incredibly cheerful for the entire conversation.

Representative: “Hi there, thank you for calling [Multi-Level Marketing Company]. My name is [Representative]. What should I call you?”

Me: “Um… [My Name].”

Representative: “Hello, [My Name]! How can I help you?”

Me: “I, uh, I got a package from your company but I never signed up for anything.”

Representative: “Hmm. Let me take a look here. Could I verify your info?”

I give my name, phone number, and address.

Representative: “Okay, it looks like you just enrolled. Congratulations!”

Me: “No, see, I didn’t enroll. I’ve said no to [Mother-In-Law] so many times I’ve lost count.”

Representative: “Oh. Well, it says on my computer that [Mother-In-Law] enrolled you four days ago. If you’re having second thoughts about your products, we can discuss crediting your account—”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry. I know you’re just doing your job, but I definitely did not enroll. If you have an account in my name — which you clearly do — it is fraudulent.”

Representative: *Less cheerful* “Oh. That’s pretty serious. Um, let me put you on hold. Okay?”

Me: “Okay.”

Several minutes pass. Call waiting shows that my mother-in-law is now trying to call me. I reject her call.

Representative: “[My Name]? Thank you for holding. I spoke with your enroller and my supervisor and… well… I’m not sure how I can help you.”

Me: “You can cancel that account or—”

Representative: “Are you sure you don’t want to just give it a try for a few months?”

Me: “No. Close it now or I will file a lawsuit against [Multi-Level Marketing Company] for allowing someone to open an account in my name without my consent.”

I have no idea if this is actually possible or if I’m just talking out my a**.

Representative: “But you’ll miss out on—”

Me: “Now.”

My mother-in-law calls again and I reject it.

Representative: *Heavy sigh* “All right. I’ll send the cancellation forms. We have [email] on file.”

The email address is my mother-in-law’s full name.

Me: *Stressed laugh* “No. Use [my email], please.”

Representative: “Okay. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you.”

Me: *Relieved* “Thank you. I’m sorry you’re the one who picked up my call. I appreciate your help.”

A moment later, the email came through. My mother-in-law called for a third time and I rejected her again. I sent the forms back and “my” account was cancelled that same day.

I told my husband what she had done and what I had done in return. He sent her a string of furious texts, saying that he could not believe she would go behind our backs like that, threatening identity theft charges, and telling her that we would seek a restraining order if she even so much as mentioned [Multi-Level Marketing Company] around us again. She replied with one message saying we were ungrateful and closed-minded and that she would block both our numbers.

Best Not To Pursue This Younique Vector

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