Hammed Up That Story

, , , , , | Related | March 16, 2018

(I am a mother to a wonderfully cheerful six-year-old. Despite grasping things like numeracy and literacy very quickly, she tends to muddle them up after a little while unless they are quickly reinforced. On this day, I have promised her that we can go and see my parents a few miles away after school.)

Daughter: “Mummy, I learned a joke today from my teacher!”

Me: “Wow, really? Are you going to tell me what it is?”

Daughter: “No, I’m going to wait and tell Grandma!”

(The entire journey, she is squirming excitedly at the thought of this joke. I let her out of the car eventually, and she runs to see my mother.)

Daughter: “Grandma, I learned a joke today from my teacher!”

Grandma: “Oh, yes? What is it?”

Daughter: “What country can you put in a sandwich?”

Grandma: “Hmm… I’m not sure. What country can you put in a sandwich?”

Daughter: *with all the optimism in the world* “Ham!”

(It took us ten minutes to realise she meant Turkey.)

Literally Refuses Your Rhetoric

, , , , , | Related | March 15, 2018

(I’m wistfully watching my five-year-old play with his eleven-month-old brother.)

Me: *out loud to myself* “How did I end up with such wonderful kids?”

Husband: *sitting nearby* “Unprotected sex.”

Me: “That philosophical question was more rhetorical in nature.”

Husband: “I still stand by my literal answer.”

There Snow Problem Like Snow Problems

, , , , , | Related | March 15, 2018

(My mother is very easily agitated and complains at length about mundane things. This conversation occurs a few days after we have had a major snowstorm. No one was injured, but my mother has been ranting for a half an hour — no exaggeration — about how the grocery store was crowded before the storm, and about how she and her neighbors had to shovel the snow afterward. I had the same experience — crowded store and a lot of shoveling — but I took it in stride. She finally breaks her tirade to ask me:)

Mom: “So, how about you? How are you doing?”

Me: “I’m doing fine.”


(I was tempted to ask her to name one person who passed out in the snow, but she had already gone back to complaining.)

When You Were Younger, You Gave Away The Moon

, , , | Related | March 15, 2018

(I am 13 at the time, and I’m using the swing set with my 16-year-old sister at the park. For some horrible reason I have neglected to put on underwear today.)

Me: “I’m going to swing higher than you!”

Sister: “Oh, yeah? I’d like to see you try!”

(I swing so high I start to fall backwards, until my belt loops snag onto the chains. My sister gasps. I swing upside-down by my belt loops, so that my pants have slid down to my ankles.)

30-Year-Old Man: *with small daughter* “Um… Do you need help, miss?”

Me: *moons growing audience of parents and small children*

Four-Year-Old Boy: “It’s a BUTT!”

(My shirt has fallen over my face by this point, and I have to do a nude sit-up to grab the chains.)

Four-Year-Old Boy: “Are you okay?”

Sister: *dies laughing*

Me: *falls off swing and kicks [Sister] before sprinting away*

The Number One Anthem

, , , , , , | Related | March 14, 2018

(My mom takes my younger brothers and me to a baseball game with some friends of ours. Before the game starts, my youngest brother announces he has to use the bathroom, so off he and my mom go. I sit in our seats with our friends for a while before the national anthem is sung, and it isn’t until the game starts that my mom and brother finally return. My mom is almost crying, she is laughing so hard. Apparently, my mom waited outside the bathroom for quite a while. When my brother finally came out, she asked him:)

Mom: “What took so long? Is everything okay?”

Brother: “The anthem was being sung, and I couldn’t sit down!”

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