Taboo Tattoo

, , , , , , , | | Related | August 13, 2019

(My older sister, who is in her early 30s, has a steady job, and owns her own home, has recently gotten a tattoo on her wrist. It is a two-inch long portrait of her beloved pet rabbit done in a style reminiscent of the classic Winnie the Pooh illustrations. I knew beforehand she was planning it, but we both kept quiet about telling our more conservative mother about it. After it is done and my mom learns about it, she calls me over the phone, very distressed about it:)

Mom: “I just can’t believe my daughter would be the one to do this. What are people going to think of her now?”

Me: “Mom, did you even see what the tattoo was a picture of?”

Mom: “No, as soon as she told me, I refused to look at it and left.” *sniffs, as she’s been crying* “What is it?”

Me: “It’s a very tasteful upside-down pentagram.”

Mom: “…”

Me: “Mom? MOM?! It was a joke! She didn’t get a pentagram!”

Mom: *heavy exhalation* “You little b******! I might need to go to the hospital after that!”

(She has since calmed down on the issue, though she probably still wants to hide it from my grandparents. My sister told me that my joke actually made things better as it has reminded that her tattoo isn’t the worst thing ever.)

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

, , , , , | | Related | August 12, 2019

The steakhouse where I work gives small toys with kids’ coloring pages. One of those options, sadly, is stamps. One day, I walked into the women’s restroom to do my hourly restroom check and there were bright red flower stamps all over the mirror. 

Not sure if the parents were with the child, but if not, I pray for their walls at home.

Looks Like The Cat Caught Mom’s Tongue

, , , , | | Related | August 11, 2019

(My mom can be weird sometimes. This happens when I am ten or so. My sister and I find a feral kitten and beg our parents to let us keep her. My dad says yes and my mom says no. I promise to clean up after her. In the end, we get to take her home. We get her litter, a box, and food. The next day, I get up to clean the litter box as I promised.)

Mom: *watching me take out the poops* “Disgusting!”

Me: “I guess?”

Mom: “Poops are disgusting! You’ll catch a germ!” *walks away*

(From then on, every day whenever I clean the litter box, my mom watches me and shouts, “Disgusting!” and looks at me like I am insane.)

Me: “Mom, didn’t you clean our poop when we were babies?”

Mom: “That’s different!”

Can’t Hold A Candle To His Mother

, , , , , | | Related | August 10, 2019

This happened as my fiance and I were getting ready to move into our own place. 

His mother and grandmother were going through their old plates and other household items to show them to us to see if we’d be interested in taking anything with us. (No, not really, they had very different tastes than I do). 

One of the household items they unearthed was a set of depression-era candle holders. One pair was crystal, and the other was coin glass. They put them off to the side to put away later, and eventually, my fiance and I left. 

Later, they called him to accuse me of stealing a single holder from each pair. When they went to look, they were each missing one. 

As per my fiance’s suggestion, they checked the others they had left and realized that they had swapped them when putting them away. According to my husband, they never apologized for accusing me. 

And he wonders why I don’t get along with his mother.

Regular Attendee At The Church Of Irony

, , , , , | | Related | August 9, 2019

(Several years ago, for Christmas, I found an old letter to Santa where I asked for my gifts to be given to people in more need than me. Moved, and knowing my family are all big givers at Christmas, whenever they ask what I want I tell them about the letter and ask them to donate to charity in my name. One night, my father-in-law drives me home after my wife leaves our family workplace early in our car, and this exchange occurs.)

Father-In-Law: “You know, [My Name], I’m glad we got this chance. I wanted to talk to you about Christmas. You know, your mother-in-law likes giving gifts at Christmas, and she is upset that you won’t tell her what you want.”

Me: “I’ve told all of you I’d like you to donate to a charity in my name.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, don’t expect that from us. She feels she has to buy everyone a gift.” *adds with a laugh* “And I just don’t believe in charity.”

(Flash forward to this Thanksgiving. He and my mother-in-law are now going through a divorce which he unilaterally announced last Thanksgiving. In order to fit in an additional dinner to our schedule, and to save us the time and money for making a Thanksgiving dinner for just him, my wife and I invite him to our church’s Thanksgiving dinner. He behaves himself well enough, but on the way home, we have this conversation:)

Father-In-Law: “It’s good for you all that you have your little community, but I don’t think I’d go again. The price you pay is too high.”

Me: *thinking, the meal was free* “What price?”

Father-In-Law: “I guess the price you people charge for that meal is making us listen to those stories about God.”

Wife: “Yes, it’s Thanksgiving, Dad. We like to share with each other what we are thankful for. We used to do that.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, I don’t think it’s right that you all feel like you have to get together in a certain place with the same people. I talk to ‘The Man Upstairs,’ as I like to call him, and he tells me that I don’t have to go to a building to communicate with him.”

Wife: “Yes, that’s true, but he does tell us not to forsake gathering together.”

Father-In-Law: “But why is that?”

Wife: “Because, like parts of a body, we rely on each other for help doing things we may not be able to do ourselves.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, that may be true, but you don’t need a church to do that. You can take care of other people just any way you want. What I think is that the church is made up of people who say they want to help each other, but in the end, it’s just the preachers that take what people give for themselves. I’d rather not deal with that. No, I’m happy to rely on myself and not darken the door of a church.”

(Flash forward to the present. My father-in-law is looking into a retirement home, and we are along to tour the facilities.)

Tour Guide: “This is our extended studio apartment option. For your budget and living situation, it’s the largest living space we’d consider.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, I don’t know about living in some studio for the price you’re charging. Don’t you have houses?”

Tour Guide: “We have one house on the property, but it is currently occupied and is usually reserved for couples.”

Father-In-Law: “Doesn’t your location in [Large Suburb of Nearby Major City] have mostly houses?”

Tour Guide: “I’m not sure. We’re a separate company. One man founded several long-term care facilities throughout the country and named them all after his favorite theologian.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, it’s funny that you do this as a business, then! Why, back in those days, people of the church would take care of the elderly as a charity!”

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