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Funny stories about family

He’s Just Not The Cat’s Pajamas

, , , , , | Related | November 27, 2021

I’m getting my four-year-old niece ready for bed to give my sister a break, and she’s very excited to show me her “new” pyjamas.

My sister lives on a small cul de sac that coincidentally has a lot of children of similar ages. For example, there are three other girls in my niece’s nursery class on her street. All the parents get on as well as the kids. To help each other out, when one child outgrows some clothes that are still in good condition, they’ll be offered to other parents that have smaller or younger children. My niece’s new pyjamas came from one of these trades.

Niece: “Look! It’s a unicorn made of stars! [Friend] gave me these.”

Me: “That was nice of her. I hope you said thank you.”

Niece: “Yes.” *Pauses* “[Nephew]’s friends never give him clothes.” *Dramatic sigh* “I guess they just don’t think of him.”

Me: “Do you think maybe it’s because he’s taller than his friends?”

Niece: “Nope. My friends just like me better.”

If Only They’d Offered You An Opportunity To Mention This…

, , , , , , , | Related | November 25, 2021

My husband and I are at my parents’ house for Thanksgiving. They invited over a few others since it would have just been us four for dinner, and they have friends who would have spent the holiday alone otherwise. A family friend and his young teenage daughter were invited since the rest of their family is in New York and they weren’t able to go. It was a last-minute invite, but my mom did ask if there was anything specific they’d like to have for dinner, and she said that they were welcome to bring a side dish if they wanted, but that we’d have plenty of food. He told them they’d be fine with whatever is served.

We’re sitting down for dinner and start passing around food.

My Dad: “[Teen], would you like any turkey?”

Teen: “No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.”

My Mom: “Oh, I’m sorry. We didn’t realize.”

Her Dad: “It’s fine. I’m sure she’ll find something.”

Teen: “What do you have that’s vegetarian?”

Me: “We have a bunch of side options. [Other Friend] brought a salad, I made green bean casserole, and there’s a rice dish and mashed potatoes. There should be some rolls and a fruit salad, as well. I think all of those should be vegetarian, but I can double-check the ingredients for anything if you’re not sure.”

Teen: “No, I don’t eat fruits or vegetables.”

None of us are quite sure how to respond to that. She then realizes we also have baked beans.

Teen: “Oh! I’ll just have some of those.”

She serves herself a huge scoop and goes to eat it.

Me: “Hey, just in case you’re not aware, the beans do have bacon in them.”

Teen: *Shrugs and starts eating* “That’s okay.”

We were confused but happy that she found something she was content with, but we were definitely even more confused about how she planned to be a vegetarian without eating any fruits or veggies… and by the fact that she had just eaten bacon.

We Know The Movie Is Ten Years Old But It’s Still Too Soon!

, , , , , , | Related | November 24, 2021

My youngest son comes up with some very entertaining one-liners. While watching “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” for the umpteenth time, we get to the part where it is revealed that one of the Weasley twins has died, but my husband and I can never remember which twin it is. My son offers up this gem.

Son: “It’s Fred, the one who still has his ear…” *slight pause* “…not that he’s going to need it anymore.”

I ended up laughing hysterically at a normally sad moment in this movie.

The Preemie Clothes Are A Lie

, , , , , | Related | November 22, 2021

I’ve submitted a few stories about my pain-in-the-rear mother-in-law, including this one. She is very generous… with other people’s time and stuff, and she gets pretty frustrated because I never let her have her way.

One day, she came over to the house long after my baby was in bed, and my husband was working late. She said she wanted to talk to me; that’s never a good sign.

Mother-In-Law: “Look, I have a coworker that just had a preemie like you did. They weren’t expecting this and are in desperate need of clothes. Could I take your preemie clothes since [Baby] is over six months old now?”

Me: “I don’t have any preemie clothes except the two special ones that were for photos, and I intend on keeping those.”

She started raising her voice and getting mad.

Mother-In-Law: “Well, I already told them you would give them the clothes, so go get them.”

Me: “Well, that was stupid since they weren’t yours to give. Besides, this is our first child, and we may have more, so it would be incredibly financially stupid to get rid of anything yet.” 

Mother-In-Law: *Getting more upset* “But you could help them. What are they supposed to do?”

Me: “They can do what I did. Buy gowns and roll up the sleeves.”

Mother-In-Law: “But I already told them I would bring them the clothes tomorrow! I will look bad!”

Me: “Yeah, you will. Don’t promise things you are not in any position to provide. You will also learn a very valuable lesson that I really don’t care if you look bad. That nonsense works on your kids, not on me.”

She huffed off and tried to “tell on me” to hubby. When he asked if I could just give something to “keep the peace,” I informed him that I would have gladly before, but not now, because his mother needed to learn a valuable lesson with me or she would just keep doing it. She had to be taught that lesson a few more times before she got it.

The Room For Rent Is A Lie
The Cake Price Is A Lie

Multi-Level Mother-In-Law

, , , , | Related | November 20, 2021

My mother-in-law called me while I was at work, knowing full well where I was and that I couldn’t answer. When I let it go to voicemail, she called three more times in a row and then texted me. 

Mother-In-Law: “What is your boss’s number?”

I didn’t answer because I was working, so she called again. I stepped outside, telling my boss I had to take a personal call and I would be right back.

Mother-In-Law: “Finally!”

Me: “Is everything okay?”

Mother-In-Law: “I just need your boss’s number.”

Me: “Why?”

Mother-In-Law: “Don’t worry about it. Just tell me.”

Me: “I have to work. If you can’t give me a legitimate reason, I’m hanging up.”

Mother-In-Law: “It’s none of your business. Just—”

I hung up. She called back immediately. This time I rejected her call, as well as the four directly after. About an hour later, my boss came to my desk.

Boss: *Confused* “Hey, [My Name], do you know someone by the name of [Mother-In-Law]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Boss: “Well, she just called me about this company she runs. It’s like, you buy stuff every month, and she wanted to set up a meeting later. It sounds like a scam.”

Me: “Oh, my God. She tried to get you to join [Multi-Level Marketing Company]. I’m so sorry. She asked for your number earlier—”

Boss: “And you gave it to her?!”

Me: “No! She wouldn’t tell me why she wanted it so I hung up on her. I’m so sorry.”

Boss: “Well, she might not be very happy with you next time you talk.”

Me: “Ah, she’s rarely happy with me.”

Boss: “I told her to f*** off with her pyramid bulls*** and stop wasting my time.”

Me: *Laughing* “Absolutely worth her being mad. I’m so sorry.”

Boss: “It’s okay. No worries.”

That night when I got home, I had a long ranting email from my mother-in-law, accusing me of sabotaging her “career” and taking food from her mouth by not allowing her business to prosper. I saved it for future laughs.