Finish The Endgame Before Phase Parenting Starts

, , , , , | | Related | May 20, 2019

(This goes down on my family’s WhatsApp group while one of my sisters is heavily pregnant with her first child, and shortly after the last movie in a long-running franchise is released:)

Sister #1: “I started having regular contractions about half an hour ago, so we’re going to the hospital to check now.”

Sister #2: “Did you get to see Avengers beforehand?”

Kids Only Floss Once A Fortnite

, , , , , , | | Related | May 19, 2019

(I’m serving a woman and her roughly eight-year-old son.)

Customer: “That’s what I forgot to grab. I was going to buy you some dental floss. I need to teach you how to floss.”

(Suddenly, the kid looks really excited, like he’s about to jump out of his skin.)

Customer: “Not Fortnite floss. Floss your teeth.”

(The son frowned and slumped off to go sit down, looking quite upset. The customer just looked at me and rolled her eyes.)

Going Back To Knight School

, , , , , , | | Related | May 18, 2019

(When I’m in junior high school, my mother cannot, by any stretch, get my Language Arts teacher’s name right. For the sake of exemplifying how she butchers it, we’re going to say my teacher’s name is Ms. Knightly, and she always says, “Ms. Kin-ig-hit-ly.” The hyphens are just for show; she says it at a normal pace. After the first report cards and the subsequent Parent-Teacher night to discuss students’ progress, this conversation follows.)

Mom: “Ms. Kin-ig-hit-ly had nothing but praise for you.”

Me: “Knightly, Mom. Her name is Ms. Knightly.”

Mom: “Oh, okay. Yeah…” *goes on about my other teachers* “…but Ms. Kin-ig-hit-ly adores you.”

(Different versions of this story play out almost daily following this meeting, with no change ever being made. I figure the inevitable reality is she is never going to get it right, so I stop caring so much once she realizes she should never address my teacher by name if she sees her. Later that same year, my grandmother dies. We make funeral arrangements, and this happens:)

Mom: “The closest funeral home to her church and the cemetery would be Knightly Funeral Parlor.”

Me: “Where?”

Mom: “Knightly Funeral Parlor.”

Me: “What’s my teacher’s name again?”

Mom: “Ms. Kin-ig-hit-ly.”

Me: “Mom, it’s the same as the funeral parlor, down to the spelling. You just pronounced that perfectly.”

Mom: “Really? Huh.”

Me: “So, what’s my Language Arts teacher’s name?”

Mom: “Kin-ig-hit-ly.”

(No, she wasn’t screwing with me. So, some form of the first conversation continued until I transferred schools and no longer had Ms. Knightly. And it continues to this day when my mother decides to reminisce about my school life and comes to my year with Ms. Knightly.)

Crossover Is The Biggest City In The Marvel Universe

, , , , , | | Related | May 17, 2019

We were traveling to a casino in Mississippi, driving down the infamous Highway 59. It has many places where you must cross the actual interstate. These are called crossovers and each has a sign indicating, “CROSSOVER.”

My parents were from Wisconsin and had no such thing in their state. After about an hour of driving, my mother piped up and commented that Crossover must be a big town, as she had been seeing signs for some time. After a very incredulous look from me, we had a good laugh about it.

My Family, And Other Animals, Part 12

, , , , , | | Related | May 17, 2019

(My family lives in several different countries, and one of the ways we keep in touch is through a messaging group where we send each other pictures. It can get pretty goofy, but this day is one of the best. Keep in mind this is all over chat:)

Me: *sends pictures from zoo*

Brother: “Wow! Did you just get back from the zoo? I went today, too!” *sends pictures from different zoo*

Sister: “We felt a bit left out, so we decided to stop by our local zoo, too!”

(She sent us pictures of my niece and nephew dressed in hooded dinosaur onesies with a sign on the crib that said, “Please don’t feed the animals.” Gotta love family!)

Related:
My Family And Other Animals, Part 11
My Family And Other Animals, Part 10
My Family And Other Animals, Part 9

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