Will Give You A Good Whiterun For Your Money

, , , , , | Related | December 14, 2017

(My brother is playing “Skyrim” and I’m looking at my phone. Note that I wear glasses and he doesn’t.)

Brother: “I have too much stuff!”

Me: “Sell some, then.”

Brother: “No, I need it all! I bought a house to store it, but I can’t find where it is! The guy said it has a saddle on it.”

Me: “What? A saddle? Are you sure?”

(We look and look, but it turns out that he has bought a horse! I laugh and laugh for ages.)

Me: “And you’re always saying that I have bad eyesight! Time for you to go to the doctor. Blind as a bat!”

Brother: “Shut up.”

Breakfast Schedule Will Be Crumbling For A While

, , , , , | Related | December 14, 2017

(My mom buys a huge box of some organic multigrain toaster pastry things, and decides she doesn’t like them. Rather than return them to the store, she decides to give them to me when I stop by to pick up my daughter after work. Knowing that she doesn’t give food away without good reason, I decide to try some, and my daughter is watching me intently as I open the package.)

Daughter: “Ooh, Mommy, you have cookies? You shouldn’t have cookies before your dinner!” *wags her finger at me*

Me: “Cookies? Uhm, no, I suppose not. But since there’s two of these cookie things here, and sharing is fun, would you like one?”

Daughter: “Ooh! YES! Cookie!”

Me: *tries the “cookie,” and immediately regrets that decision*

Daughter: *bites* “Mmm, yummy cookie! Thank you, Mommy! Oh, this is so good!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Have mine… Please!”

(We ended up taking the “cookies” home with us, where she had “cookies” with breakfast every day for the next few weeks.)

Getting A Holy Health Check

, , , , , | Related | December 14, 2017

(My father has always attended church on Sundays. He’s not overly religious but thinks once a week is enough. Mum joined a couple of church activities during the week. Then, after she retired, she took on some more, such as running the craft activities and being on the craft board, as well as ferrying older parishioners to and from the church.)

Dad: “Looks like the church has gotten their claws into you; you keep getting forced to take on more duties. You should be home just relaxing instead of all this running around.”

Mum: “But I like it; it keeps me active. Anyway, I volunteered; no one has forced me to do anything.”

Dad: “Well, you won’t see me there. I’ve worked enough in my life and am ready to put my feet up.”

(Dad retires and does just that. He happily putters around at home for six months. One day I call in to see him.)

Me: “Where’s Dad?”

Mum: “Oh, he’s cleaning the church.”

Me: “Cleaning the church? What did he say about the church getting their claws into you?”

Mum: *laughs* “Well, he had a check up at the doctor last week. Apparently putting his feet up doesn’t agree with him. The doctor told him he needs to be more active or he won’t be around much longer.”

(That was over ten years ago. He now is on the church board, helps Mum run the crafts, and still cleans the church, as well as other duties. He loves the activity, is healthier than ever, and has more friends than ever.)

 

A Sex Pool That Accepts Both Genders

, , , , , , | Related | December 13, 2017

(I am a bisexual woman. This has never been a problem, as I live in a very accepting community and my family is great about it. However, my coming out was rather funny. Note: my dad and I are extreme morning people, while my mom is most decidedly not and requires her coffee before she is remotely functional.)

Dad: “So, you’re bisexual?”

Me: “Yup. Is that a problem?”

Dad: “Of course not. Just keep in mind that the rules for dates still apply, whether you date a man or a woman.”

Me: “I know!”

(My mom walks in. It is approximately 6:15 in the morning, and she has had no caffeine.)

Mom: *grunts*

Me: “Good morning to you, too!”

Dad: “[My Name], don’t you think you should tell your mom what you just told me?”

Me: “Mom, I’m bisexual.”

Mom: *grunts, drinks coffee*

Me: “Okay, then.”

(One hour later:)

Mom: “Hey, honey, what did you try to tell me earlier? I can’t remember.”

Me: “I’m bisexual.”

Mom: “Oh, you are? Good! I was worried there for a second!”

Me: “Why?”

Mom: “I thought you said you were in a sex pool!”

(Yes, this conversation really happened, and yes, this is a common occurrence. I just generally don’t say anything important before she’s had her coffee, anymore.)

She’s Going Against Code

, , , , , , , | Related | December 13, 2017

(I grew up in the DOS era — pre-Windows — and started programming with GW-BASIC when I was maybe twelve. As a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none hobbyist, I moved through QBasic, making video games for myself, then in college through Visual Basic and C++, as well as HTML, SQL, the text-adventure engine Squiffy, and game engines like RPG Maker, Game Maker, and Unreal Engine. As a lark, I learned ROM hacking enough to alter text and graphics in classic video games, and even, one summer, tried to learn Assembly Language. I was a programming tutor in college, and, after seeing the same problems crop up repeatedly, created a “Common Errors in Visual Basic” hand-out that got passed around by professors for a while. Now that I have nephews and nieces — six so far, ages 11-19 — I’ve been trying for several years now to get them interested enough in programming to actually work at it on their own steam, rather than by my prompting. I’ve gotten them to make little tiny starts on Game Maker, and two of them went to a robotics class that they really enjoyed. Now I’ve got a niece, age 11, and nephew, almost 14, working on Khan Academy’s “Hour of Code,” which teaches them the basics. My niece must have taken well to this activity, given that she just sits down next to me, as she is getting ready for bed, and offers up this cheerfully energetic advice:)

Niece: “You should learn how to code.”

Me: “…”

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