Funny stories about family

Way To Keep Your Cool, Daddy-O

, , , , | Related | March 4, 2021

I’m a known sperm donor. I’ve donated sperm for a few individuals who needed help. I make it clear that, while I’m always happy to help, I always prefer if I can meet the children I donated for, and luckily, a few parents have allowed me that opportunity. In particular, the parents of two kids have made me an “honorary uncle” for their kids. I often visit and play with them, and these two kids in particular have also become close friends and playmates with each other.

My “nephew” is around three and my “niece” is closer to four. The niece’s mother has been very open about explaining how I donated sperm for her. Meanwhile, my nephew’s parents haven’t chosen to explain my donation for him.  

There is an annual fair that I always attend with my niece happening this day, and we invite my nephew, as well. His parents are both busy with moving to a new home on that day, so we offered to take him with us to the fair as a way to keep him out of their hands while moving.

Nephew: “Daddy, can we… Oh.”

Me: “I’m not your daddy!”

This was clearly just a slip-up on my nephew’s part; he forgot who he was talking to for a second. Unfortunately, despite knowing better, I was foolish enough to comment on it. My nephew decides that this is funny and proceeds to call me Daddy over and over as a joke. The problem is that my nephew already has a wonderful dad, even if that dad wasn’t able to produce sperm for him, and as a donor, I am quite aware of how important it is that he not call me daddy, even as a joke.

Me: “[Nephew], you shouldn’t call me that. I’m not your daddy.”

Niece: “Well, actually, you gave his mommy sperm, so…”

Now I’m freaked out. I was aware that my niece knew I donated sperm, but I honestly didn’t think she had connected “gave Mommy sperm so she could have me” with the concept of “father” yet. I absolutely did not expect her to interrupt my attempt to distract him with this little speech.

I rush to cut her off.

Me: “Which makes me a donor, but that’s all I am!” *To my nephew* “I really don’t like being called Daddy; it makes me feel bad. How about we think up some better names to call me? Like ‘The Amazing Uncle’ or ‘Sir Awesome McCoolName’?”

Thankfully, my nephew was easily distracted enough at that age that he didn’t appear to have registered or understood my niece’s statement at all and was quickly distracted with funny names to call his uncle.

Later, when I could catch her in private, I spoke with my niece about how some parents weren’t as open as her mother was and that it was important to respect parents’ wishes when it came to what to tell their kids. She promised not to tell any of the other donor siblings about my donating to them unless an adult told her she could, and she has been very careful about not doing so ever since. Luckily, she is one of the few kids you can trust to actually keep a secret when asked! And so, I barely scraped by our fair visit without any upset parents!

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A Saintly Understanding Of Science

, , , , , | Related | March 3, 2021

My teenage son is idly playing with a length of rope.

Son: “I have a string! I can make scientific theory!”

Me: “Well, can you untie the knot in it before you theorize it into permanence?”

Son: *Play-threateningly* “Are you trying to stop scientific theory?! Do you know what we do to people who get in the way of science?!

Me: “Canonize them?”

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He Thought He Had An Ace In The Hole

, , , , , , | Related | March 3, 2021

My brother has always been money-hungry. He buys expensive shoes and outfits and is constantly asking my parents for more allowance so he can buy them. My parents usually say no because they can’t spare that much money every month, as they’re saving for other things. As a result, he takes it upon himself to “advise” them on money they “could free up,” often by arguing my other siblings, my parents, and me down until we cave and say we don’t want something or change the budget.

My brother and I are weeding the cracks in the driveway. Just prior, he was arguing with my mom because she was saving money for “stupid things” instead of buying him Jordans.

Brother: “How come you never date any guys? [Friend] asked you out and you turned him down.”

Me: “I didn’t like him that way. Besides, he and I weren’t right for each other.”

Brother: “Do you like any guys at all?”

Me: “I mean… not really? I don’t really get crushes and such.”

Brother: “Are you a lesbian? You are, aren’t you?”

Me: “No—”

Brother: “You are! I’m telling Mom!”

At this, I start to get scared. My family and I are Catholic, and while I support the LGBTQ+ community, my family isn’t quite so supportive of that. I could get in some very awkward situations if he told my mom that. 

Me: “No, I’m not a lesbian! Knock it off!”

He continues to pressure me to “tell him the truth” and starts to get up to tell my mom.

Me: “[Brother], I’m not lesbian; I’m ace! Stop! I don’t like anyone that way!”

I’m aroace, but I didn’t know the term aromantic at the time.

Brother: “So you’re just immature, then. Why don’t you like d**k? You just haven’t met the right guy yet.”

Keep in mind that this kid is over two years younger than me; he has no business calling me immature.

Me: “Yeah, yeah, just don’t tell Mom. I want to tell her on my own terms.”

Brother: “You need to tell her soon. She’s saving money for your wedding!”

Me: “O…kay? I’ll tell her when I’m ready. Just promise not to tell her?”

Brother: “Fine, whatever. You should tell her tomorrow, though.”

Foolishly, I thought that was the end of it. But the next day, my mom took me up to a fast food place and got us a snack. While we were eating, she asked me if I was okay, because, “Your brother said you were… a plant?” Turns out he had, in arguing that she should spend the savings she’d set aside for my future wedding, completely outed me to my mom, and she outed me to my dad. I then had to endure conversations of “Maybe you should be a nun,” “Stop making terms up,” “You’ll grow into it; you’re just a late bloomer,” and, “In order to get married you need to have sex in your marriage.”

And that’s the story of how my brother outed me for shoes! And he didn’t even get them, because my parents don’t believe I’m ace and still set aside funds for my wedding every month.

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They Sure Make Dogs Different From When I Was A Kid

, , , , , , , , , | Related | March 2, 2021

We rescued a new dog a few months ago. Then, the health crisis started, so my five-year-old son has been doing virtual school. At this point, they’re learning about sea animals in kindergarten, so he’s telling me about them during lunch.

Son: “Miss [Teacher] says that octopus have tentacles.”

Me: “That’s right.”

Son: “Eight of them! That’s more than dogs.”

Me: “Dogs don’t have tentacles.”

Son: “When we first got Bunbury, he had a tentacle.”

Me: “What?”

Son: “Yeah! A tentacle on his butt!”

I’m terrified.

Son: “So we took him to the dog doctor to get his tentacle removed.”

Me: “Do you mean testicles?”

Son: “Yeah!”

Me: “That’s… that’s a different type of body part, buddy.”

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What Do You Expect? You Took His Wisdom!

, , , , , | Related | March 2, 2021

My younger brother gets his wisdom teeth out the year after I do. The anesthesia didn’t affect me all that much, but my brother needs a double dose and he’s so loopy afterward that he can’t even walk in a straight line. Despite this, he refuses to sit still or stop talking, pretty much acting like a happy drunk.

My mom and I finally get him to sit down to watch TV with an ice pack on his face and leave the rest of the family to make sure he doesn’t get up or do anything stupid.

Me: *To our mom* “And you complained about me being boring after getting my wisdom teeth out.”

Mom: “I take it back. I take it all back. I wish he was as boring as you.”

After he finally came down from the high, our mom told him that if he ever became an alcoholic or a druggie, she would immediately ship him off to rehab because she never wanted to repeat that experience.

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