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Funny stories about family

You’ve Got ALL The Skills

, , , , , | Related | May 11, 2022

Back when I was still going to college, over a decade ago, I was visiting my family during winter break and had been traveling somewhere with my father when he asked me if we could stop by the American Legion — a bar/restaurant for American veterans where my father volunteered — on our way back home.

My father originally left me at the bar so he could do some work, but between my not liking the bar scene and everyone there being fifty or older, I grew bored quite fast and eventually went to investigate what was taking so long.

I found my father in front of a computer modifying some sort of document, and it was painful to watch. He was hunting and pecking at the keyboard at a painstakingly slow rate, and after watching a little, I realized he was retyping the same few sentences over and over again with only minor differences.

Me: “You know, you could just copy and paste that.”

Father: “Huh?”

Me: “You know, Control-C and Control-V?”

My father just looked at me like I was speaking in tongues. So, rather than explain, I asked if I could have his mouse. He was in the way of the keyboard, so rather than using the usual hotkeys, I highlighted the section he wanted to copy and then clicked and dragged the highlighted section down, which also copy and pasted the section where I dropped it.

Father: “Oh, wow! I didn’t know you could do that!”

I went on to show him such amazing concepts as the fact that he could double-click on a word and then start typing to automatically delete the word and replace it with what he was typing.

My father finished his chore of modifying the document a little while later and I rejoiced at finally leaving the Legion. However, I still remember his last comment as we were leaving.

Father: “I never knew you were so good with computers.”

I’d been telling everyone I planned to be a programmer since before I was seven. I set up and maintained the computers at our home for years before leaving for college, I’d created — and shown my father — multiple web pages and programs already, I’d already been promised an internship with one of the largest tech companies, and I would be building my own operating system from scratch for a class the next semester. But more impressive than all of that, at least according to my father, was that I knew how to copy and paste!

A Totally Metal One, Grandma!

, , , , , , | Related | May 9, 2022

My great-grandmother immigrated from Poland to the USA. She was endeavoring to learn English, but sometimes there could be a little confusion with names. She had been informed of my birth and that my name would be Bernadette. She got a horrified look on her face, and offered this quite indignantly:

Great-Grandmother: Burn the dead?! What kind of name is that for a little girl?”

This Is Why Pets Are Better Than People

, , , , | Related | May 8, 2022

When my sibling was sixteen, they adopted the sweetest white kitten. Unfortunately, two years after that, they got very interested in witchcraft and decided only a black cat would do. Rather than see him taken to the pound, I adopted him, and he’s an adorable love bug.

An important piece of information for this story is that my sibling generally wears hoodies with thumb holes cut in them so their hands are covered up to the fingers.

My sibling came home for a visit and tried to go over to pet the cat. Surprisingly, he hissed at them, which he never does to anyone, not even the vet.

Sibling: *Swats cat* “Well, f*** you, too.”

I picked up the cat to remove him from the situation.

Me: “I’m really sorry.”

Sibling: “I told you he should have gone to the pound.”

Me: “Honestly, this is the first time he’s ever done that. He’s normally very calm.”

Sibling: “When I had him, he was always doing this stuff.”

Now, this is an absolute lie. He, of course, had the standard kitten zoomies and the “look, I have teefies” bite testing phase, but no more so than any cat.

My sibling continued to be very hostile to him throughout their visit, which he mostly spent hiding out in my closet. 

But a few days after they left, [Sibling] posted an image of a bite mark on their Facebook page, claiming he was responsible. I, of course, contacted them to assure them he was fully vaccinated and to ask why they had never told me he bit them.

Sibling: “You need to send him to the pound. He’s vicious.”

Me: “He’s never bitten anyone before. I don’t know what happened. If your insurance won’t cover it, I’ll pay for everything.”

Sibling: “He should really put down. He’s vicious.”

Quite disheartened, I prepared to take my kitty to the vet just to be sure he wasn’t getting sick or something that might have caused him to bite. 

Then, my best friend pointed something out. On my sibling’s Facebook page was a picture of them at the train station getting ready to leave to visit us. They were making a devil horns pose, with the backs of both hands showing, and on one hand WAS THE BITE MARK.

To say I was angry was an understatement. I called them up to tell them that I knew full well they’d been bitten prior to seeing my kitty. 

Me: “Why would you even imply that he bit you when you already had the bite?”

Sibling: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “[Friend] saw your post at the station. You were bitten before you came to visit.”

Sibling: “He did not. I was not.”

Sure enough, the post quickly vanished. But my bestie is smart enough to have screenshotted it once he figured it out.

My sibling tried to send me a request for a doctor’s bill. I sent them back the screenshot of that post.

To this day, I don’t know what they have against my kitty. I do not believe they did anything negative to cause him to hiss at them, but I do believe they saw that and instantly were trying to get something out of it.

The Drama Of Dads And Drugs

, , , , , , | Related | May 5, 2022

I’m in college, home for the weekend, and I have a bad headache. I tend to take as little over-the-counter medication as possible to avoid building up an immunity, but my head is really bothering me, so I take ibuprofen. My dad sees me shake out a single pill.

Dad: “You okay?”

Me: “Yeah, just a bad headache.”

Dad: “Come on, at least take an adult dose!”

Me: “It’s fine. I’m good with just one.”

Mom: “You heard your dad. The answer is always more drugs.”

He yelled, “NO!” while we laughed.

Making Assumptions Can Be Taxing

, , , , , , | Related | May 3, 2022

I am driving with my sister and the song “Neighbors” by J. Cole is on. 

Sister: “Okay, I really relate to this song right now.”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Sister: “I think the neighbor’s son is selling weed.”

Me: “Why do you think this?”

Sister: “Because ever since he moved back, there has been a ton of cars driving up to their house, staying for like five minutes, and then leaving.”

Me: “You are so stupid right now.”

Sister: “Why?”

Me: “One, he hasn’t moved back in; he’s just helping out his mom at work. And two, it’s tax season, you idiot! All those people are dropping off their tax stuff because she’s a preparer!”

Sister: “How was I supposed to know?”

Me: “She’s been doing our family’s taxes for years!”