Free-Flow Thievery

, , , , | Related | July 13, 2018

(My older sister often takes my stuff without permission. It drives me crazy. I finally muster the courage to call her out. I catch her eating while watching TV.)

Me: “[Sister], can we talk for a minute?”

Sister: “Can’t it wait until commercial?”

Me: “No! I’m sick of you taking stuff without permission.”

Sister: “Stop being so sensitive. Aren’t siblings supposed to share?”

Me: “It’s hardly sharing when I have no idea when you took something, what you took, and what you used it for.”

Sister: “Seriously, can it wait until the episode is over?”

Me: “No and… what are you eating?”

Sister: “Some ice cream bar I found in the fridge.”

Me: “That is a dog laxative that was supposed to be kept frozen. I know that because Dad asked me to put it there and put a ‘do not eat’ sticker on it.”

(She had a fun weekend. I love Karma.)

B-Stow Upon You New B-Words

, , , , , , , | Related | July 13, 2018

(I’m celebrating my 30th birthday with a group of friends and family at a restaurant. There’s a twenty-year age gap between my cousins and me, and one of the little ones has just turned ten a few days ago. She comes up to me as I’m eating:)

Cousin: “Hey! I need to tell you something.”

Me: “What’s up, kiddo?”

Cousin: “I’m ten now, and I’m allowed to say the B word!”

Me: “Which one? Bulls***, b*****d, or b****?”

Cousin: *looks at me like I’ve just told her how to get to Narnia* “ALL OF THEM!” *walks away*

Me: “Aaaand I think I just taught her a couple of new swear words.”

My Friend: “Your aunt is going to kill you.”

The Guessing Dead

, , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(I am at a picnic with family members and somehow get on the subject of phone backgrounds with a much older cousin.)

Me: “My background right now is a picture of an actor from an old black and white movie from the 50s. I think he’s attractive.”

Cousin: “Who’s the actor?”

Me: “[Actor]. He’s British.”

Cousin: “Oh, he doesn’t look very good now.”

Me: “Wait, you know who he is?”

(I am surprised, because nobody else has recognized the name.)

Cousin: “Yeah, and he’s not very good-looking now.”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

Cousin: “Well, he’s not.”

Me: *getting a little fed up* “Yes, I know. He died in 1991.”

Cousin: *pause* “Which is why I said he’s not very good-looking anymore.”

When Superstition Is A Superpower

, , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(My grandma has come for a visit all the way from Romania. She’s a quirky type and pretty superstitious.The results can be either awkward or funny. Example #1: We’re having dinner and my brother bites his tongue.)

Grandma: *translated* “Someone recently told a lie.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: “What did she say?”

Me: “Biting your tongue during a meal means you told a lie recently and you’ll have bad luck until you tell the truth.”

Eight-Year-Old Brother: *blushing* “I was the one that dug up the flowers, not [Dog].”

(Example #2:)

Mom: “My eye keeps twitching.”

Grandma: *with her back turned, cooking* “Left or right?”

Mom: “Left. Why?”

Grandma: “Something’s going to disappoint you.”

(As if on cue, my twin brother and I come back from school.)

Twin: “Hey, Mom, you look wonderful today.”

Mom: “What did you do?”

Twin: “I failed my English test.”

(Example #3:)

Grandma: *translated* “Don’t stay in the corner of the table, [My Name] or you’ll never get married.”

Inner Me: “I wasn’t interested in getting married, anyway.”

Outer Me: “Sure, Grandma. I’ll move right away.”

What The F*** Did I Say?!

, , , , , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(My aunt has to run to the shops while I am visiting, so she takes one of my cousins and I stay at home with the other one. We’re watching YouTube on my laptop when I accidentally knock it onto the floor.)

Me: “Oh, s***.”

Cousin: “S***! S***!”

Me: “Don’t say that! That’s a naughty word and we’re not allowed to say it!”

Cousin: “Is it… a swear word?”

Me: “Yes, and that’s why we can’t say it.”

Cousin: “Is it a swear word like ‘f***ing’?”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Cousin: “Mum calls people ‘f***ing idiots’ in the car a lot.”

Me: “Yes, they’re both swear words, and that’s why we don’t say them. Promise me you won’t say it.”

Cousin: ”I promise!”

(We go back to watching some kid’s show on YouTube. About half an hour later, my aunt gets home.)

Cousin: *jumps off the couch like her a**e is on fire and runs to greet her* “MUMMY! MUMMY! ‘F***ING’ IS A SWEAR WORD!”

(Thankfully, my aunt didn’t murder me… but I had to cook dinner that night as punishment.)

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