That’s What The Spam Bots WANT You To Think

, , , , , | Related | January 21, 2019

(I’m at the beach with two cousins. They are discussing an important e-mail message that [Cousin #1] has received, and [Cousin #2] needs to see it.)

Cousin #2: “Don’t forget to forward [important e-mail] to me. Can you do it right now?”

Cousin #1: “Oh, right.”

([Cousin #1] takes out his phone and starts looking for the message. A few minutes later…)

Cousin #1: “I can’t find it; I’ll have to do it later when I get home. I think I put it in my spam folder.”

Cousin #2 & Me: *almost in unison* “Why would you put an important e-mail in your spam folder?!”

Cousin #1: “Because that’s where I put things. Where else would you like me to put it?”

(After a few more minutes of discussion, we found out that [Cousin #1] legitimately didn’t know what the spam folder was for and was using it to store all e-mails that he wanted to save. Thankfully, the important message was indeed there.)

Maturity Is On A Knife’s Edge

, , , | Related | January 20, 2019

(I’m dining out with my wife and ten-year-old daughter. The waitress is handing out the silverware.)

Waitress: “Is it okay if I give your daughter a knife?”

Me: “That’s fine.”

Daughter: *after waitress leaves* “She didn’t think I could use a knife?”

Me: “I can’t imagine why.”

(We immediately began sword fighting until my wife made us stop.)

Don’t Eat The Afternoon Teas At Their House

, , , | Related | January 19, 2019

(I have brown hair and brown eyes; my younger sister has red hair and blue eyes. I also, unfortunately, struggle with acne, especially as a teenager. We are about seventeen and nine years old, respectively.)

Me: “You look like a strawberry shortcake.”

Sister: “Well, YOU look like a pimple sandwich.”

(Love you too, sis.)

Bang Bang, They Shot That Down

, , , , , | Related | January 18, 2019

As my grandfather, Bill, had just passed three days earlier, my sister, her husband and I pack in a car for a six-hour drive.

I’m listening to my music and my sister waves to get my attention. She and her husband were talking and her husband had said that my grandmother and all of us should watch Kill Bill.

Took him a second before he realized what he said.

Schrödinger’s Dinner

, , , | Related | January 18, 2019

(I’m thirteen and my sister is nine. Grandma has spent most of the day cooking. I arrive home with my sister, and we finish making meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, mac and cheese, and green beans. Mom arrives at 4:30 and Grandma has to head home.)

Mom: “Kids, put the food in the oven. I need to go change and relax a couple of minutes.”

Me & Sister: “Okay. We’ll watch TV until you come down.”

(At 5:00 pm I go check on mom.)

Mom: “I’ll be down in fifteen. Stop bugging me. Don’t eat before I come down. I want a nice family dinner.”

(I relay this message to my sister, who hasn’t eaten since noon. At 5:30, my sister checks on mom, and gets yelled at for bothering her, plus a repeat of not eating until she comes down. At 7:00 pm, my sister has food: crackers and a sandwich. At 7:00 am the next day, we get told off for not waking mom from her nap to eat dinner, then told off for not eating. For the rest of our lives, until we moved out, we ate dinner with Grandma.)

Page 2/1,76112345...Last