Stephen King’s New Cosmetic Line

, , , , | Related | March 28, 2020

(I like to do different greetings with my nana when we talk on the phone. Here’s one I just did:)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, I work for a shady makeup company. Which lipstick would you prefer: fire-engine red, petal pink, or alabaster white?”

Nana: “Oh… petal pink.”

Me: “Which perfume would smell better: dog doo or skunk butt?”

Nana: “Neither one of them! Although dog doo doesn’t make your nose burn.”

Me: “Which eyeshadow would look better: corpse yellow or frozen-to-death blue?”

Nana: “You’re morbid.”

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Raising Future Editors

, , , , , | Related | March 27, 2020

Brother: “How do you spell ‘gonna’?”

Mom: “G-O-I-N-G T-O.”

Brother: “I didn’t ask how to spell ‘going to.’ I asked how to spell ‘gonna’!”

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Has Been Masking His Chess Skills

, , , , , | Related | March 26, 2020

I am working from home and like the rest of the country, I’ve been practicing social distancing. My seven-year-old son’s school is closed so he’s been playing all day – and I see no harm in him playing in the garden. He runs up to me late in the morning.

Son: “Mum, do we have any masks?”

Me: “You mean the masks to stop getting infected like you saw on TV?”

Son: “Yeah!”

Me: “We have some, but why do you need one?”

Son: “To play in the garden!”

There is no one in the garden, but I am loath to stop my son from being enthusiastic about good health practices! I give him one of the masks I received from my office before we were all sent home and send him off to play.

I get stuck in my work and rely on my son to let me know when he’s hungry so we can stop for lunch. After finishing a rather complicated piece of work, I realise it is almost 3:00 pm and there’s no sign of my son! I head out to the garden, and see this:

Our next-door neighbour, an old woman in her late seventies, is sat by the dividing fence of our respective gardens, wearing a mask, sat in front of a chess set. My son is sat in our garden, keeping a distance of six feet from her, wearing his mask, and shouting out orders.

Son: “I’ll move my horse to where your castle is!”

Neighbor: “Well done! But look what you did for my bishop!”

She took away one of his pieces with the bishop my son had inadvertently cleared a route for. My son groaned jokingly and then laughed.

My son did not know how to play chess that morning. Our neighbor had spent four hours teaching him the rules, coming up with interesting alternative names for some of the pieces (King & Queen were Mum & Dad) and all while respecting social distancing!

They’ve been out there playing for three afternoons in a row now and I have to keep reminding him to come in for lunch!

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Glad We Straightened That Out

, , , , , , , | Related | March 26, 2020

(This happens the afternoon after my school’s annual career day. It’s important to note that I am very much NOT straight and my parents are fully aware of this.)

Me: *talking to my dad* “Oh, yeah, we had career day today.”

Dad: *only half paying attention* “Huh? Queer day?”

Me: “No, career day, Dad. You should know that every day is queer day for me.”

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That’s A Mom’s Job… To The Extreme!

, , , | Related | March 25, 2020

(My mom has a knack for solving problems, which is why she is frequently asked for advice by her best friends. Her best friend’s maid has gotten pregnant and my mom’s best friend is freaking out. She calls my mom to ask for advice and my mom solves it very quickly. This conversation occurs after the problem has been solved, and my mom is telling me about it over wine.)

Me: “Good job. Wow, I can’t believe that you had a plan of action ready for that.”

Mom: “I’ve had that plan for years, just in case any of the maids I employ got pregnant.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

Mom: “You know I have backup plans for everything, right? Car problems, marital problems, you get your girlfriend pregnant…”

Me: “Hey! I don’t even have a girlfriend.”

Mom: “I’ve made plans already. Just in case.” *starts listing them off on her fingers* “Girlfriend has an STD. Girlfriend is pregnant. Girlfriend breaks up with you. You bring home my grandkid. You get pregnant…”

Me: “I’m a guy.”

Mom: *matter-of-fact tone* “You could have gotten a surgery and then gotten pregnant.”

Me: “Gender reassignment surgery cannot do that.”

Mom: “Really? I didn’t know that.” *sips wine* “Regardless, I made that backup plan before I knew you were a boy.”

Me: “I think that level of paranoia is overkill.”

Mom: “If you think that’s bad, you should listen to my backup plan in case Grandpa and Grandma die. I’ve had that plan since I was sixteen.”

(She’s about fifty at the time of this conversation)

Me: “Jesus. And now you’re going to tell me that you have had a backup plan in case I suddenly died since I was six.”

Mom: “Nonsense.” *sips wine* “I’ve had that plan since before I even got married.”

Me: *speechless*

Mom: “That’s why my life has no curveballs. I make backup plans for everything. That’s why everyone asks me for advice. Whatever problem they have, I already have a backup plan in case such a situation ever happens to me.”

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