At Least Alexa Is Nicer Than Bender

, , , , , , , | Related | June 29, 2020

I’ve been working from home during the health crisis and apparently, Alexa is over my crap. This happens after I have her pause my music to take a call.

Me: “Alexa, resume.”

Alexa: “No.”

Daughter: “The robot uprising has begun.”

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Who Needs Science When You Can Have Myths?

, , , , , | Related | June 29, 2020

I live in a rural area near a pond, so we see lots of wildlife. My mom and I are taking a walk when we see a baby turtle, no bigger than a quarter, crossing the street. I carefully pick it up and move it to the other side of the road, and then we continue on our walk.

Mom: “That was weird how it knew to go toward the pond. How do turtles know where the water is?”

Me: “It’s instinctual. How do you know how to breathe?”

Mom: “But that’s different. This is directional.”

Me: “I don’t know. I guess if they’ve been doing it for millions of years, it becomes a habit. How do birds know to fly south?”

Mom: “Well, the birds probably follow each other. But that turtle was by itself.”

Me: “But if the birds follow each other, at some point there has to have been a bird that started it all. How does that bird know to go south?”

Mom: “There’s a grandfather bird.”

Me: “A grandfather bird that flies all over the country?”

Mom: “Yes! He’s the keeper of the compass and he flies around the country telling all the birds to go south, and they all follow him there.”

Me: “And then, when he finally arrives in the south, he immediately dies and is reincarnated into another bird.”

Mom: “Yes, he passes on the compass to a new bird.”

Me: “I think we just invented a myth.”

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That Man Needs To Man-Go

, , , , , | Related | June 29, 2020

My husband’s brother has moved in with us due to not being able to afford a place of his own. From the beginning, he’s made extra demands in regards to the food I cook. I already deal with a fussy eater — my husband, who will only eat specific items — and am not going to prepare multiple foods to appease [Brother-In-Law].

He makes passive-aggressive complaints about that to the rest of the family. I never say anything about this, always trying to keep the peace. I do make one change: I start making him a salad course to have with meals. He’s made no effort to help us pay for the extra food we now have to buy.

It’s the beginning of mango season; they are pretty expensive but I decide to buy myself one as a treat. That evening, I prepare dinner as normal and give [Brother-In-Law] his salad and main course. Afterward, I collect the plates. 

Brother-In-Law: “Dinner was nice this evening, but I was disappointed with the salad.”

Me: “What was wrong with it?”

Brother-In-Law: “Oh, nothing really, it’s just that I like to have fruit in my salad. I saw that you had bought a mango and was expecting that to be in my salad. Next time, put mango in.”

Me: *Seething at this demand* “No one gets any of my f****** mango.” *Stomps off*

I stopped making him salads after that because I wouldn’t want him to have to eat disappointing food.

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Dad Jokes On Tour

, , , | Related | June 28, 2020

My dad and mum are separated and live four or five hours from each other. When we were younger, my dad would come to pick us up and drive us to his to spend the weekend there. My stepmum would often call to find out where he was, which he’d put on speaker through the hands-free. The conversation often went like this.

Stepmum: “Where are you?”

Dad: “In the car.”

Stepmum: “Where in the car?”

Dad: “In the driver’s seat.”

Stepmum: “Yes. Very funny. Where’s the car?”

Dad: “On the road.”

Stepmum: “Where’s the road?”

Dad: “In England.”

Stepmum: “Where are you in England?!”

Dad: “In the car.”

Stepmum: “For God’s sake, [Dad]—”

Oldest Sister: “We’ve just passed the sign for [Place].”

Stepmum: “THANK YOU!”

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Awesome Siblings, Less Awesome Roomies

, , , , , | Related | June 27, 2020

My younger sister moves into her first apartment. I moved out of state a couple of years ago and mainly keep in contact with her through Facebook.

Sister: “Getting this apartment has cost a lot more then we estimated and our roommate hasn’t paid for anything.”

Me: “How short on money are you?”

Sister: “We paid everything for the apartment, rent and security deposit, but we don’t have any grocery money and I don’t get paid for a week.”

Me: “Well, why don’t you send me your new address so I can visit when I come down?”

That day, I arranged grocery delivery for the next day. I sent her enough groceries for at least two weeks. It was a nice little surprise when she got off work.

The roommate never did pay rent. She was also the younger sister of my sister’s husband, so that didn’t go over very well.

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