Drawing Towards Dad Jokes

, , , , | Related | November 2, 2018

(I have always considered myself lucky. My dad wasn’t the type to make puns or dad jokes. That ended today. We are making ourselves breakfast, and the belt loop on my jeans becomes stuck on the drawer’s knob. This happens.)

Me: “Oh, g**d*** it. I got stuck on the drawer.”

Dad: “It’s stuck on you.”

Me: “I don’t return the feelings.”

Dad: “You could say it’s… drawer-n to you.”

Me: “Oh, g**d*** it! IT’S TOO EARLY TO MAKE DAD JOKES! MOOOOM!”

(We almost went through life without a dad joke or pun.)

Baptism Of Fire

, , , , | Related | November 2, 2018

My husband and I are getting ourselves and our son ready to go to our nephew’s baptism. We tell our three-year-old, who has a language and social delay, that we are going to a place where we need to be quiet and use a calm voice while there. Our son looks at us and smiles, before screaming at the top of his lungs for four minutes.

While in the car, we reiterate the quiet and calm voice thing a few times, with somewhat better results. When we get to the church, our son is the first kid inside. The priest looks at him and tells him, “We walk in church.” Our son looks at him and bolts down the aisle, screaming happily.

As the nephew being baptised is on my husband’s side of the family, I quickly exit the church with my apparent demon-spawn in tow, and we spend the entire baptism playing on the playground nearby.

These Tributes Are Posthumous And Post-Humorous

, , , , , | Related | November 1, 2018

(My father grew up in a building designed to house both his family and the family’s print shop business. Not long after my grandfather passed away, the store was sold and turned into something else. We’re driving past the old shop one day when I notice the new sign over the building.)

Me: “Wait… You’ve got to be kidding me. It’s an adult video store now?!”

Dad: “Yep.”

(I instantly start laughing, as Grandpa was a bit of a perv, and he no doubt would’ve found this a most hilarious bit of fate.)

Me: “That’s almost like a tribute! I bet Grandpa would’ve gotten a big chuckle out of that!”

(Fast forward several years, and the adult store is eventually demolished to make way for a truck servicing station for semis. We’re driving past after dark one night, when I notice something odd.)

Me: “Hey, Dad? Do you believe in fate?”

Dad: “Wait, fate? What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, you know the truck station that they put up over the old print shop? The name of it is spelled out in giant, light-up capital letters, ‘[OWNER]’S WASH & LUBE SERVICE,’ but all of the words on the sign have gone out, except for one word: ‘LUBE.'”  

Dad: “Oh, geez.” *starts chuckling*

Me: “I can’t help but think Grandpa just sent us a sign.”

Halloween Roundup

Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | October 31, 2018

It’s time to carve that Jack-o-Lantern, put on your costume, and collect the candy! Or will you spend the night watching scary movies?  Having a costume party?

To celebrate Halloween, here are some of our favorite tales of ghosts and witches, monsters and creatures, the spooky and scary and weird, and things that reach out from under the bed to tickle your funny bone. These stories are sure to give you a frighteningly good laugh!

 

This Story Will Haunt You Forever — Claims of bravery may be exaggerated.

Thrill You More Than Any Ghost Would Dare To Try — A classic song for a spooky evening.

Ice Screaming Monsters — Which will give you more indigestion, the food or the monsters?

Scare Me? Not A Ghost Of A Chance! — Everyone wants their own ghost, right?

They Usually Go For Black Cats — The fuzziest kind of witchcraft.

Pray They Weren’t Watching Christine — Poor kid got honking scared!

More Daylight, Less Twilight, Part 7 — Every old school horror fan just screamed in terror.

The Son Of Mondegreen — The monsters are where?!

Halloween Has-Been — Surprise!

The Customer Is Always Fright(ened) — Must have been too fussy for that poor ghost.

The Ghost Of Theories Past — But they say it’s haunted!

Trumps All Other Scary Stories — The horror story of our times.

 

Happy Halloween, everyone!  Post pictures of your costumes!

 

Internal Intolerance

, , , , | Related | October 31, 2018

(My grandma was born before women were allowed to vote, and so could not pass on their citizenship to their children born outside the USA to foreign fathers. Despite not being a citizen, my grandma is super Republican-American in everything she does, and age has made her a little intolerant. Since my grandma got married in the USA, we are all citizens but her. One day we are passing through customs at MIA…)

Customs Employee: *takes one look at my grandma’s Costa Rican passport* “Buenos días, señora.”

Grandma: “Good morning.”

Customs Employee: *stops checking passport and looks up angrily* “Lady, I spoke to you in Spanish. Talk to me in Spanish.”

Grandma: *screaming and in a snarky tone* “WELL, I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! WHERE WE SPEAK ENGLISH!”

(I am panicking in my head, thinking, “That’s it! We are getting detained! My grandma is going to get us kicked out! Is he going to make our life h***?! Am I going to have to bail my grandma out of jail? Are we both going to jail?” Instead, the Customs Employee, shocked, open-mouthed, and speechless, gives my grandma her passport, and she angrily walks away, leaving me behind.)

Me: *to employee still in shock* “Lo siento muchisisisimo.” *I am so so so sorry.*

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