Dad: “Why isn’t my laptop turning on?”

Me: “You’ve been using it all day, and I didn’t see you charging it. Did it run out of charge?”

Dad: “Why should I have to charge it?”

Me: “…Dad.”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “It has a battery. Batteries run out. Batteries need to be charged.”

Dad: “Oh, I thought it was solar powered or something.”

Me: “How is it… Dad… where’s the solar panel?”

Dad: “This big panel here.”

Me: “Dad, that’s the trackpad. That’s like a built-in mouse. You’ve been using it, haven’t you?”

Dad: “I thought it was dual purpose.”

Me: “Dad…”

Dad: “What?! It’s not like people my age know all this s***!”

Me: “I would normally give that argument the benefit of the doubt, Dad, but you’re an engineer…”

Dad: “But—”

Me: “—Who works for the power company.”

I’m pregnant and at the ‘nicely rounded’ stage. My parents are visiting, and my aunt (mom’s sister) has tagged along.

Aunt: *Gasps.* “Is… is that a piercing? On your belly button?!”

Me: “Yes. I’ve had a navel piercing since I was eighteen.”

Aunt: “Shouldn’t you take out that piercing so it doesn’t affect the baby’s breathing?”

That sheer stupidity surprised me into an instinctive and undiplomatic response of:

Me: “My navel’s not a friggin’ snorkel.”

My dad snort-laughed, and my mom was quick to change the subject.

When I was ten, I was playing on the family computer while my parents were having a silly argument. My mom gave up and said:

Mom: “Fine, I’m done talking to you.”

Without hesitation, I spun in my chair and said:

Me: “You’re rewarding him!?”

Little ten-year-old me was proud of that one, even if it did earn me no dessert for a week.

When I was nine or so, I had a friend over. I was being annoying, as kids tend to do. My mum was really mad at me.

Mum: “Look at [Friend]! She was taught manners much better than you!”

Me: “Really? Who was supposed to teach me manners?”

If looks could kill…

My little cousin is having a major tantrum during a visit to my grandpa’s place. She wasn’t being calmed down by her parents in the slightest.

Grandpa: *To my cousin.* “You wanna try calming down, dear?”

Cousin: “No! I’m p***ed off!”

That was the first time we’d ever heard her say anything like that. The rest of us (including her parents) are a little shocked. Grandpa, for his part, just shrugs.

Grandpa: “Well, it’s better to be p***ed off than p***ed on.”

The little shock from before leads to bigger shock – enough shock for my cousin’s parents to finally take her outside to calm down.

Thanks, Grandpa.