When You Were Younger, You Gave Away The Moon

, , , | Related | March 15, 2018

(I am 13 at the time, and I’m using the swing set with my 16-year-old sister at the park. For some horrible reason I have neglected to put on underwear today.)

Me: “I’m going to swing higher than you!”

Sister: “Oh, yeah? I’d like to see you try!”

(I swing so high I start to fall backwards, until my belt loops snag onto the chains. My sister gasps. I swing upside-down by my belt loops, so that my pants have slid down to my ankles.)

30-Year-Old Man: *with small daughter* “Um… Do you need help, miss?”

Me: *moons growing audience of parents and small children*

Four-Year-Old Boy: “It’s a BUTT!”

(My shirt has fallen over my face by this point, and I have to do a nude sit-up to grab the chains.)

Four-Year-Old Boy: “Are you okay?”

Sister: *dies laughing*

Me: *falls off swing and kicks [Sister] before sprinting away*

The Number One Anthem

, , , , , , | Related | March 14, 2018

(My mom takes my younger brothers and me to a baseball game with some friends of ours. Before the game starts, my youngest brother announces he has to use the bathroom, so off he and my mom go. I sit in our seats with our friends for a while before the national anthem is sung, and it isn’t until the game starts that my mom and brother finally return. My mom is almost crying, she is laughing so hard. Apparently, my mom waited outside the bathroom for quite a while. When my brother finally came out, she asked him:)

Mom: “What took so long? Is everything okay?”

Brother: “The anthem was being sung, and I couldn’t sit down!”

Has His Sons Wrapped Around His Severed Finger

, , , , | Related | March 14, 2018

(My dad is working outside and cuts off his index finger and thumb. We call 911, and after they get him into an ambulance and on the way to the hospital, my mom and I get in the car and follow him. I start texting my older brothers to update them on the situation, since they don’t live at home anymore. My whole family has a very weird and sometimes dark sense of humor.)

Me: “Dad cut his fingers. They might have to amputate them. Mom and I are on the way. [Sister] already knows. I’ll update when I get any news.”

(After the initial shock has set in with both of them, they message me back.)

Brother #1: “Guess I have to take that guitar back, don’t I?”

Brother #2: “Too early for keyboard jokes?”

(After my dad is able to get out of the hospital, they start the jokes right back up.)

Brother #1: “That’s good that he can go home. Make sure he sits in the back; it’s not like he can point directions, anyway.”

Brother #2: “If he says he has a booger, make sure you say, ‘Not it!'”

Brother #1: “Start thinking of some good puns we can make.”

Me: “Already on it.”

Brother #2: “It’s all right that he lost a few; at least he has eight more.”

Brother #1: “He’s going to need a calculator; his counting is going to be way off from now on.”

Brother #2: “On the bright side, I’ve got a good Halloween idea planned already.”

Me: “He’s not going to be giving as many high-fives as he used to; it’ll be more like high-three-and-a-half.”


, , , , , | Related | March 14, 2018

(I’m three years old and I am with my teenage uncle and grandmother. Grandma makes me a peanut butter sandwich, and my uncle gets a movie for me to watch.)

Me: *watches the tape go into the VCR* “Where go?!”

Uncle: “It ate it! Om nom nom.” *goes into next room*

Me: *studies the apparently hungry VCR*

Grandma: *comes into room* “Where’s your sandwich, [My Name]?”

Me: “It ate it!”

Grandma: “What ate it?”

Me: “Om nom nom!”

Uncle: *from next room* “Oh, no.”

(Yup. I fed my peanut butter sandwich to the VCR. Over 20 years later, my family still tells this story.)

Going GaGa Over Your Abbreviations

, , , , , | Related | March 13, 2018

(I am helping my dad read the password for internet access off of the back of his router.)


Dad: “Slow down. Read it back to me like, ‘S as in “Sandwich,”’ and if there’s a number, ‘number four.’”

Me: “Okay. S as in ‘Sacrifice,’ Z as in ‘Zipper,’ number eight, G as in ‘Gladiator,’ L as in ‘Lagomorph,’ S as in ‘Salamander,’ number four, WRT as in ‘Wart’ without the vowel…”

Dad: “Hold it! So, W as in ‘Water,’ R as in ‘Rabbit,’ and T as in ‘Tarantula’?”

Me: “Yes. GA as in the chemical symbol for Gallium, and DM as in the abbreviation for Dungeon Master.”

Dad: *giving me an exasperated look* “So, that’s S as in ‘Silly,’ Z as in ‘Zany,’ number eight, G as in ‘Goofy,’ L as in ‘Loony,’ S as in ‘Silly,’ number four, W as in ‘Wacky,’ R as in ‘Ridiculous,’ T as in ‘Tiny,’ D as in ‘Daft,’ and M as in ‘Moronic’?”

Me: *smirking* “What? You didn’t like my method of reading back the password? I can’t be the only one who knows that Ga is the chemical symbol for Gallium.”

Dad: *dryly* “I still don’t know that Ga is the chemical symbol for Gallium.”

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