Hooli-gone Crazy

, , , , | Related | October 14, 2017

(I’m talking to my brother on the phone. He lives abroad and is calling from a payphone.)

Me: “Hey, remember that time with the hooligan?”

Brother: “What hooligan?”

Me: “When you called me, and there was a hooligan breaking the phone next to yours.”

Brother: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “There was a banging noise, and when I asked you about it you said a hooligan was breaking the phone next to you. Then you asked him to be quiet and he said, ‘Sorry, I didn’t notice you,’ and gave you one of the coins that had fallen from the phone, as an apology.”

(As I relate the story, I begin to realize that it makes no sense.)

Brother: “…”

Me: “You know what, I probably just dreamed that. Never mind.”

(We laughed.)

Will Only Accept Five-Eighths Of The Colonoscopy

, , , , , | Related | October 13, 2017

(This is at the tail end of a LOOONG list of very strange specifications that my grandpa has given my mom when she shops for his groceries. Mom can’t help but regale me with them, and I think this gem sticks out among the rest.)

Mom: “And then he was very emphatic on me just getting five eighths of a pound of meat.”

Me: “Not a half a pound or anything? Five eighths?!”

Mom: “Five. Eighths.”

Me: “FFFIIIVE EIGHTHS.”

Mom: “He wouldn’t take anything else.”

Me: “I think you should schedule a colonoscopy for him, because he’s getting pretty anal!”

Black Chess Pieces Matter

, , , | Related | October 13, 2017

(My fairly innocent younger brother and I are playing chess. He may be losing the game, but is clearly winning with his imaginative stories of the various pieces. Suddenly…)

Brother: “The black people are coming! Quick, put on your disguises!”

For The Record, You’re Not The Favorite

, , , , | Related | October 13, 2017

(My mother always notices favouritism towards her younger sister by her mother. My grandmother gives my mum a record album as a gift. A couple of weeks later:)

Grandmother: “[Mum], where’s that record I gave you?”

Mum: “It’s in the record player; I can put it on if you want.”

Grandmother: “No, I want it back. Your sister just bought a record player and I want to give it to her.”

The Only Punishment Is Predictability

, , , , , | Related | October 12, 2017

(My mom has gotten in the habit of thumping my brother and I on the backs of our heads if we ever get sassy. It isn’t hard enough to hurt or to do damage, but definitely enough to get our attention. We’re walking out of Spider-Man when my brother starts mouthing off.)

Mom: “[Brother], cut it out!”

Brother: *mockingly* “Cut it out!”

(My mom goes to thump him, but my brother ducks and avoids it.)

Mom: “Your back was to me! How did you do that?”

Brother: “My spidey senses were tingling.”

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