This happened when I was picking up my grandmother from the grocery store. Once she was in the passenger seat, I started driving while she told me about something that happened when she was checking out. Keep in mind that I have worked retail, but my grandma has not.

Grandma: “That cashier wasn’t very friendly.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Grandma: “Well, there was no one in her line, so I walked up to her, and I said, “Here, let me give you something to do,” and she didn’t smile at me or anything!”

I tried to explain why that is the last joke you should make with a cashier, but she wasn’t getting it.

I’ve come home after graduating from college. I am working on finding a job in my field, but my mom is working on getting me married off as quickly as possible. After trying to set me up with the sons of some of her friends:

Mom: “[Neighbor]’s son is very handsome. Why don’t you strike up a conversation with him?”

Me: “No, thank you, Mom. We won’t get along.”

Mom: “How can you know that?”

Me: “We have mutual friends, and I know enough.”

Mom: “Some people can be very different with their friends and when they’re dating.”

Me: “Mom… he’s a flat-earther.”

Mom: “Oh…”

Me: “Yeah…”

Mom: “Well… you know how you hate cruises? At least he won’t try to take you on one… you know, in case you fall off the edge…”

I’m not THAT desperate, Mom!

Our absolutely bonkers Border Collie swallowed one of those modelling balloons (which ironically my husband used to turn into balloon dogs for our kid’s birthday parties).

The vet said we were better off keeping an eye on him, less risky than an operation. So, I did.  

Sure enough, next day, he walked over to his favourite s***ting spot, under the apple tree, hunkered down confidently, seemed a bit put out when he saw me watching from the kitchen window, but then set about doing his business. 

A bright purple balloon emerged, getting larger and larger. The dog panicked and took off round the garden, with me and the kids in pursuit, while this balloon’s inflating and deflating with appropriate noises. Caught up with the dog, and he yelped when I yanked the balloon out. Anyone who knows collies will know they’re already on the neurotic side.

Our poor collie was traumatised, and for months after, would glance anxiously around before taking a s***. If he thought someone was watching him, he’d get up and move to another spot.

My brother-in-law is the typical youngest child; always wanting to copy his older brother.

My husband moves into his own condo, he talks about getting his own condo. My husband gets a VR headset, he decides to get a VR headset. My husband takes up archery, he decides to buy his own bow. We buy a house, suddenly he is in the market for a house. 

In some ways, it is kind of cute. In other ways, this is a grown adult with a fully developed prefrontal cortex we are talking about…

Ever since he has found out that we are expecting, he (a twenty-eight-year-old cis man) has decided he is going to have a kid and planning out all the things he plans to do with “it” and watching “it” grow up to be “just like me, a mini-me if you will.” (Quoting him here.)

There is just an itty-bitty problem with this: he does not have a willing womb. In fact, he has been (in)voluntarily (cel)ibate for a few years at this point. But details aren’t important! Those are for schmucks.

Cue every family event for the next seven months, him talking about how he is going to raise this non-existent kid and what a great dad he is going to be! 

Again, with what kid, I don’t know. Mine isn’t available for testing, and she isn’t a toy that he can demand his brother share with him. But he is adamant he is going to be a dad and a great one!

And then on the day of the birth, he drops this amazing line in the family group chat for all to see:

Brother-In-Law: “So you aren’t going to be able to play [Online Game] tonight?”

Now you absolute tw*t! Your brother’s wife is in the middle of labor! He doesn’t have time to play with you! 

If artificial wombs ever become a thing in the way that tech bros want to use them, his future child is in big trouble.

My brother (seventeen) is searching for his phone.

Brother: “I can’t find it! Have you seen my phone?!”

Mom: “No, I don’t keep tabs on your stuff.”

Brother: “This is bad! I need to call [Girlfriend] and tell her where to meet up!”

Mom: “Just use the landline.”

Brother: “Land… line?”

My mom escorts my brother to the phone connected to the wall in the kitchen.

Mom: “Landline.”

Brother: “What is it?”

Mom: “Are you serious?! It’s a phone!”

Brother: “Oh! Like in the old movies?”

Mom: “Yes. Call her from this.”

He picks up the phone, looks at the numbers, and hits another roadblock.

Brother: “I don’t know her number.”

Mom: “You would not have survived the nineties for a second.”