More Horrifying Than A Gluten-Free Dumpling

, , , , , , | Related | March 12, 2019

(My husband and I have the worst sense of humor. I am at my dad’s place helping to convert a bedroom into an office. The bedroom was used to house a renter a couple of months back, and my dad has been known to bring in interesting characters. While cleaning, I discover an odd article of clothing hanging in the closet that I don’t recognize. I pull it out, and, upon further inspection, I realize that what I thought was a top is actually a pair of black, peekaboo-level, fancy underwear. Horrified, I talk to my dad about it, and he says he believes it belonged to a renter, but to throw it away as the chances of being able to return it are pretty slim. About an hour later, I’m making German dumplings because I’m trying to make the family recipe gluten-free so my husband and I can have it together. My dad hates dumplings, so once I’m done, I end up throwing away the mix and dumplings that didn’t work. As I do so, I see the underwear. I head to the living room where my dad is watching TV.)

Me: “I hope no one is coming back for that underwear.”

Dad: “Why?”

Me: “Because I just took a dumpling on ’em!”

(Cue the groans of horror and disgust. On the bright side, my husband was quite proud of me for my negative-level quality of a joke! I definitely chose a good man!)

Monthly Roundup: February 2019

| Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | March 11, 2019

It’s time for the February roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in February deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 802 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out nine.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three*. The winner of the previous roundup poll was She Has To Live Somewhere Else, But At Least She Will Be Living from the Healthy and Related categories!

They Are First-Class Jerks – Entitlement at 30,000ft!

A Shout Out To All The Non-Employees – A story to make you smile.

Directions Needed To Get To Modern Times – The man of times old was truly directionless.

Taking Inventory: I’m Afraid I Can’t Let You Do That, Dave – Budget some time for this story – it’s worth it.

A Breakdown Evens Out A Breakup – This story smells.

Hard Not To Smile – There is a whole spectrum of understanding in the world.

Hopefully, You Won’t Pay(Roll) For That – A truly satisfying F-bomb.

So Many Optometrists But They Can’t See What’s Happening – They’re blind to how they’re shooting themselves in the foot.

A Little Calling Out Is Good For Your Mental Health –  Scream if you want to make a point about screaming!

Please choose your favorite story of the month!

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*Not Always Hopeless stories are not included in the poll. This is because often they are so lovely they win by default. 

We’ve decided to separate our favorite ‘Hopeless’ story of the month from the section above, since it’s not part of the poll:

God Gave Rock And Roll To You – The title says it all!

Torpedoed The Ending To That Story

, , , , , | Related | March 11, 2019

(My grandfather was in the merchant marines during the Second World War. Occasionally, we’re reminded of how interesting his life has been.)

Grandpa: “There was this one time we were in Curacao and this Nazi U-boat fired a torpedo at us.”

Me: “That’s amazing. You never told me that.”

Grandpa: “It’s not that exciting. I mean, they missed.”

With Pet Ownership You Can’t Drop The Ball

, , , , , | Related | March 9, 2019

(I just came back from bringing our male cat back from the vet. He’s only eight or nine months old, but I took him in to get fixed, only to end up bringing him back, and trying very hard not to laugh, having learned something new about male cats.)

Mom: “So, uh… Why are you trying so hard to not laugh, and why isn’t Roadie at the vet?”

Brother: “Is my cat okay?!”

Me: “Well, uh… Here’s One-Nut Roadie.” *hands him to my brother and laughs*

Mom: “Wha…”

Me: “So, uh… Apparently, like human males… a male cat’s testicles have to, uh… drop… into his, uh… hangy bit there… and, uh–” *laughing too d*** hard*

Mom: *checks* “HE REALLY ONLY HAS ONE THERE!”

Me: “Th-the other may be in his belly still, or it’s about to drop, b-but we don’t have the money right now to have him cut open to get it out.” *still laughing*

Brother: “Really?”

Me: “Now we have No Nuts and One Nut!”

Mom: “I think your sister needs some sleep.”

Brother: “You think?”

(I was sleep deprived, but it still tickles me funny today. I never knew that about a male cat, but I do now!)

Painting A Barren Landscape

, , , , , | Related | March 8, 2019

(I’m talking on the phone to my cousin shortly after a big family party.)

Cousin: “Oh, by the way, I was so sorry to hear about [Daughter]’s problem.”

Me: “Huh? Which problem?”

Cousin: “Well, that she’s… not able to have children.”

Me: “What?! [Daughter] isn’t infertile, at least that I’ve heard.”

Cousin: “She told me she was!”

(Immediately after finishing this conversation, I call my daughter.)

Me: “Why is [Cousin] under the impression that you’re sterile?”

Daughter: “Probably because I told him I was.”

Me: “Was there some reason for this or was it just a passing fancy?”

Daughter: “He kept bugging me about [Son-In-Law] and I having kids, and I didn’t think it was any of his business, so I told him I couldn’t get pregnant to get him to shut up.”

Me: “[Daughter]! He feels terrible!”

Daughter: “What? Telling someone they ought to be having kids is rude. You’d tell me off if I did it to someone. He acted like a jacka**; now he feels like a jacka**. Maybe another time he’ll stop and think about it before he says something similar to someone who actually can’t get pregnant.”

Me: *after a pause* “I blame your father. You turned out too clever.”

Daughter: “Love you, too, Mom.”

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