Time For Them To Shoot The S***

, , , , , | Related | September 28, 2019

(I’m introducing my new boyfriend to my five-year-old son from my previous marriage. My boyfriend kneels down to speak to my son at eye level.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, slugger! How ya doing?”

Son: “Sometimes poop comes out of my butt!”

(I turn red and facepalm, but my boyfriend doesn’t miss a beat.)

Boyfriend: *patting my son on the shoulder* “Don’t you worry about that. There are worse places for it to come out of.”

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Save That Kind Of Talk For The Bedroom!

, , , , , | Related | September 27, 2019

(One morning, my boyfriend is making cheeky comments towards me whilst we are getting ready to leave for work and school. As my four-year-old son is also in the room, I do not want to say anything too grown-up back.)

Me: “I’m going to get you tonight!”

Son: “Yeah! I’m going to take you to bed tonight!”

(He really thought he’d told my boyfriend off and had the “serious-adult face” on and the “serious-adult-pointing finger” whilst he said it. We still use it to this day.)

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A Most Bearable Wedding

, , , , , | Related | September 27, 2019

(I am hanging out with my future brother-in-law, who is seven. He is deaf, and we’ve been discussing his role in the upcoming wedding. This whole conversation is in sign language.)

Me: “Are you excited for the wedding?”

Brother: “[Fiancé] told me I would be the ring bear!”

(I chuckle, thinking he has gotten confused like kids do, but he continues.)

Brother: *signing excitedly* “I’ve been practicing my bear walk and roar and everything! Want to see?”

Me: “Yes, but can I ask you something?”

Brother: “What?”

Me: “You know it’s ‘bearer,’ right?”

(It turns out, my fianceé told him over text that he would be the ring bearer, only her autocorrect changed “bearer” to “bear” and she didn’t notice. We told him he could be the Ring “Bear” if he wanted to, of course.)

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Not A Very Pretty Thing To Say

, , , , | Related | September 26, 2019

Grandma: *to the groom* “Doesn’t she look stunning in her dress?”

Groom: “Yes, I’m a very lucky man!”

Grandma: “Get a good look; she won’t be this pretty ever again!”

Bride & Groom: “…” 

Me: *ushers grandma out of their earshot before she can say anything else*


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Smells Like Teen Rhythm

, , , , , | Related | September 26, 2019

(I’ve always been a bit of a nerd and get excited when I can talk about stuff I’ve learned, even though people are rarely interested. My father does not share my enthusiasm for random facts and sometimes says that he needs a dictionary to talk to me. It’s about 8:30 pm and my brother and I, both teenagers, have just finished packing our school lunches for the next day.)

Dad: “Ugh, I feel old. You two can stay up until all hours while I’m already tired now.”

Me: “Actually, it just means you have teenagers! Children and adults usually start feeling tired around nine pm, but when you’re a teenager, your circadian rhythm shifts two hours later, so we usually start feeling tired at eleven. When you’re an adult, your biological clock shifts back to nine pm.”

Dad: *turns to my mother, who has heard the entire conversation* “Honey, she’s making sense again!”

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