Not “Playing” Possum Anymore

, , , , , | Related | July 8, 2018

(When I was a child, we lived in a suburban neighborhood with older houses built close together. One year, my mother gets “puppy fever” and adopts a German Shepherd. She and the dog bond instantly, and she becomes overprotective of him. That same year, a family of opossums moves into our backyard. When our dog is outside, the opossums sit on the back fence and hiss at him. They are too high up for him to reach, so he angrily barks at them. My mother becomes enraged, as well, that the opossums are taunting her “baby,” and tries to chase them off with a broom, but each night they return. One night, we hear the dog begin to bark at the fence, and Mother jumps to her feet, yelling, “That’s it!” As we watch in horror, she retrieves my father’s shotgun from the closet, marches outside, and begins shooting at the back fence. Having little experience with guns, she misses the opossums completely, but does manage to hit the neighbor’s garage.)

Neighbor: *running outside* “Oh, my God! What’s wrong?”

Mom: “Mind your own business!”

(My mother passed away in May of this year. My brother and I shared this story at her funeral: she was incorrigible to the end, and we think she would have approved.)

Some People Get Hospitalized For Saying Things Like That

, , , , | Related | July 7, 2018

(I am on the phone with my long-term boyfriend. My mum comes in my room and is trying to get me to go somewhere or do something with her.)

Me: “I can’t, Mum. I’m talking to [Boyfriend]; his brother just had a seizure and is in hospital right now. He’s not doing well.”

Mum: “[Boyfriend] is in hospital?”

Me: “No, his brother.”

Mum: “Then why do you care?” *walks off*

(It’s been four years, and my now-husband still hasn’t quite forgiven her for that comment.)

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Not The Number One Solution

, , , , | Related | July 6, 2018

(With another family visiting us, we bring the children to a local water supply museum. Among other things, the guide tells us that it is the only water supply station in Europe that gets water from underground to collectors by vacuum pumps, which work similarly to sucking water through straw. He suggests we try that out ourselves later. So, back at home, we give each child one full and one empty cup and tell them to get all water from first cup to second through a straw. Some manage it sooner, some later, but one boy manages to just drink all his water.)

Boy: “Would it count if I now peed into the second cup?”

His Mom: “I don’t think the townspeople would care much for your solution.”

Poking At The Source

, , , , , , | Related | July 6, 2018

(My mom and I are standing in the kitchen, talking. Two of the cats, brothers, have followed us, and are making pests of themselves, presumably begging for treats. One of them has a habit of licking and chewing on my arm when I scratch him in a certain spot. I bend down to pet him, but because of the angle, he can’t reach me, so he lightly bites the next closest thing: his brother’s butt. My mom and I giggle, but then the one that was nipped turns around and lightly kicks the other in the side. This sends us into full-blown laughter as my dad walks in.)

Dad: “What’s so funny?”

Mom: *catching her breath* “Oh, the cats are just being funny.”

Dad: “Oh. Excuse me.”

(He reaches around my mom to grab a plate from the cabinet, and my mom takes the opportunity to poke him in the belly.)

Dad: “Hey!” *pinches my mom on the rear*

(Gee, I wonder where the cats learned it from!)

Getting On Top Of Your Taxes

, , , , , , | Related | July 6, 2018

(There’s a little guy, maybe around 10 or 12, looking at some stuff on sale with his mum.)

Kid: “Look, Mum! Fifteen dollars! I can get it!”

Mum: “There’s tax on top of that.”

Kid: *picks it up and looks on top* “Where?”

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