(My brother is staying with me until he finds a place of his own. I didn’t want to let him, but my parents wouldn’t get off my back. He’s messy and immature. I’m younger than he is.)

Me: “Hey, [Brother], have you seen my laptop? “

Brother: “Yeah, but its broken.”

Me: “How? I’ve only had it for like a month. “

Brother: “I spilled soda on it. “

Me: “I had my class projects on it! “

Brother: “Relax. Don’t you have some sort of backup? “

Me: “Yes, but that doesn’t excuse you ruining a birthday present. You owe me a new one. “

Brother: “I think [Girlfriend] has one she can give you. “

Me: “I am not accepting anything from that pot-smoking bimbo!”

Brother: “She’s not a bimbo! “

Me: “Her tattoo says otherwise.”

Brother: “Can’t you flirt with one of your smarta** classmates to get it fixed?”

Me: “You’re an idiot.”

(I kicked him out a week later after he, his girlfriend, and their entourage destroyed the living room by having a party, almost set fire to the kitchen, and did drugs in my apartment while I was at school. I always bring up that story when Mom and Dad ask me to help him.)

(My little sister moves in with me so she can attend a physician’s assistant program. During a warm day in October, we are chatting in the kitchen.)

Sister: “I think I should have the upper extremities covered today.”

Me: “You should be fine with that tank top. It’s going up to 75 degrees.”

Sister: “I was talking about studying for my exam.”

Me: “I was talking about the weather and how you are dressed.”

(One of my best friends is marrying a man who has little contact with his mother. I’ve heard stories about how much of a narcissist she is, but the first time I meet her is at the wedding shower. Part way through, she stands up and says she has an announcement, pulling out a small box.)

Mother-In-Law: “These are the pearl earrings that my great-great-grandmother wore on her wedding day. She made sure all of her daughters and her sons’ wives wore them when she was married. Her daughters made sure their daughters and daughters-in-law wore these, and they were passed on to me after my mother’s death. Twelve brides have all worn these on their wedding day over the past century, and I’ve decided: On my son’s wedding day, I will wear these earrings.”

(She was upset when we all laughed afterwards, and joked about how selfish it was. I hope the best for my friend; she seems like she’s in for a crazy ride!)

(I’m waiting in line for the cashier when a woman walks up behind me with two boys. They’re junior-high-aged and alike as two peas in a pod.)

Woman: “[Boy #1], you keep our place in line while I take [Boy #2] over to look at the braces.”

(She walks off with the other lad.)

Me: “So, is it fun being a twin?”

Boy #1: *grinning* “We aren’t twins.”

Me: “…”

Boy #1: *grinning even more hugely* “We’re triplets!“

(My mother-in-law is a difficult woman.)

Mother-In-Law: “We never see you anymore!”

Husband: “Well, Mum, I have Christmas presents for you and Dad; would it be okay if I stopped by later this week to drop them off? Then we can have a visit.”

Mother-In-Law: “That’ll be fine. What time?”

Husband: “How about Wednesday after work? I’ll be there around 6:30.”

Mother-In-Law: “Sounds good; see you then.”

(I don’t assume that they’ll give him dinner, but I figure that since he’ll be there for a while, they might offer a cup of tea and a cookie. Therefore, I am surprised when he is home by 7:30.)

Me: “You’re home early!”

Husband: “Yup. Is there any dinner left? I’m starving.”

Me: “Didn’t they offer you anything?”

Husband: *laughing ruefully* “Well, as soon as I arrived, Mum said, ‘Our friends are here to play cards, so you can’t stay. Just put the presents over there. Bye.’ And that was that. I didn’t even get a chance to take my coat off.”

(And she wonders why we don’t visit more often.)