Should “Lay” Down Some House Rules

, , , , , | | Related | May 7, 2019

(My husband and I are hanging out in the kitchen, and my five-year-old son is playing in the living room two rooms away.)

Husband: “I haven’t gotten laid in forever.”

Son: *shouting from living room* “Well, maybe if you were better at it, Daddy!”

At Least They’re Brushing?

, , , , , , | | Related | May 6, 2019

(I am in the shower while my husband is in the bathroom with our almost-two-year-old. They’re both naked since I am about to hop out and then it will be their turn. Our daughter is brushing her teeth and I am encouraging her. She responds to my instructions with excitement, and apparently, very literally.)

Me: “That’s great. You brush up and down, left and right, at the front and the back, at the top and at the bottom…”

(I looked over and she started brushing her bottom.)

Mum Lost That Game

, , , , , | | Related | May 6, 2019

(I am sat in the living room watching a game review on YouTube. My mum has been watching TV.)

Mum: “Why are you watching other people play games?”

Me: “It’s a review. I’m not actually watching them play it.”

Mum: “That’s silly. You should just play it yourself.”

Me: “I’m deciding whether I should, based on the review, and besides–” *looking directly at her*  “–how is it any different from you watching [Home Decorating Show]?”

Mum: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You should just decorate yourself instead of watching someone else do it.”

Mum: “That’s completely different! I’m getting inspiration for when I do want to redecorate.”

Me: “And I’m getting inspired to play this game.” *puts headphones in and ignores her trying to justify the difference*

Aisle Be There… Maybe

, , , | | Related | May 5, 2019

(When I get engaged, my fiancé and I decide to hold our ceremony in Canada, where he lives. My family knows about the ceremony being in Canada for a couple of months, and my father is reminded that he needs to get his ID enhanced in order to attend multiple times. This is also around the time where the airports are getting ready to require enhanced ID in order to fly, something Dad does all the time, so he needs to get it enhanced soon, anyway. It finally gets to the point where my mom, grandmother, and I, while on the phone with him, agree we have to start nagging him to get it done because time is running out. He eventually gets the paperwork in.)

Father: “I’m not happy with the state right now. They told me it would be two or three weeks before my enhanced ID came in, and that was a week and a half ago. I’m going to try to overnight my passport later this week, but I’m scared I won’t be able to make it to your wedding.”

(Shortly after that:)

Father: “So, am I walking you down the aisle?”

Me: “I don’t know yet; I haven’t figured that out yet.”

Me: *internally* “I don’t know. Are you going to be there?”

Father: “Well, you’d better figure it out soon; you’re running out of time.”

Whisk-ey The Child Away

, , , , | | Related | May 4, 2019

(The entire extended family has gathered for Thanksgiving dinner. Among them is a married couple who have been on the ketogenic diet for going on three years. They brought their approximately 18-month-old baby with them, and everyone is thrilled to see the newest family member. He’s cuddled and passed from aunt to grandma to uncle to cousin all afternoon. This, inevitably, results in people trying to slip him snacks.)

Grandma: *holding the baby* “You’re just precious. Yes, yes, you are. Here. Try this.”

(She breaks off a tiny pinch of her plain sugar cookie and offers it to the kid. He takes a nibble and then claps his hands excitedly. At that moment, the baby’s father enters the room. He storms over and rips his son away from his mother-in-law.)

Father: “We do not feed our child sugar! That stuff is poison!”

(He takes the child away in a huff, leaving the grandma to look absolutely mortified in front of everyone else. About an hour later, he’s cooled down and returns with the child in one arm and a small glass of Jack Daniels in the other. Conversations continue while the father bounces the baby on his knee.)

Father: “He looks so happy. I know what will make him so happy!”

(He gives his son a sip of his Jack Daniels. The child makes a completely disgusted face while his father bawls laughing. The room goes silent. His wife, the child’s mother, is glaring at him.)

Mother: “Can I talk with you… a moment… in the kitchen?”

(Her face was completely red and her hands were shaking. I don’t know what happened next, since the mother was so angry she was beyond yelling and the entire conversation was done in enraged quiet. But the rest of the day, she did not let anyone else hold her child, and he didn’t stay in the same room as them.)

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