Take A Deep Breath

, , , , , | Related | May 10, 2020

This takes place before the recent disease outbreak hits the US shores but is still making big headlines all over the evening news, which my elderly mother watches religiously. She’s also an avid Facebook user and believes that anything on Facebook is true.

One afternoon, I help my mother open Amazon packages and put her new over-the-counter meds away. At the end, I gather all of the air-filled packing pillows that came in the box

Me: “Oh, boy! I have air pillows to pop!”

Mom: *Suddenly angry and anxious* “DO NOT POP THOSE IN HERE!”

Me: “Why? What’s wrong with popping the air pillows?”

Mom: “Don’t you know?! I saw it on Facebook! Those are manufactured in China! They’re filled with Chinese air! We could get that awful illness!”

I stand there for a moment, my brain trying to make sense of what she said.

Me: “Mom, these air pockets came from Amazon. They’re filled in the Amazon warehouse. I’ve seen them do it! So, these are filled with—” 

I look at the box code.

Me: “—Dallas air, not Chinese.”

She stares at me for a moment.

Mom: “Are you sure?”

Me: “I’m 100% sure, mom. Remember, I worked at the local warehouse a few years ago. They have a little machine that fills them on demand right there in the warehouse.”

Mom: “Oh. Okay. You can pop those, then.”

Of course, now, every time we get packages with the air packing pillows, I show them to my mom and jokingly ask, “Do you want some Chinese air?” She is NOT amused.

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You Won’t Save Soap, And You’ve Got Plenty Of Time

, , , , , , , | Related | May 9, 2020

We are several months into a worldwide health crisis and my mother-in-law is currently laid off from her work. This means she’s home three extra days per week when she’d normally be working. She lives with my husband and me.

It’s just after dinner on a Sunday night and we’re getting ready to do the dishes when she turns to me.

“The soap is going down much faster than it used to,” she says. “Don’t worry about washing your hands for twenty seconds. You only have to do that if you go out and you don’t go out.”

I resist rolling my eyes visibly at her and take my container from lunch upstairs. I seriously can’t believe how dumb she’s being. First of all, we use liquid soap, so whether we wash our hands for ten seconds or twenty, the same amount is used. Secondly, does she not even think that her being at the house for an additional eight to ten hours, three days a week, for the past six weeks might make a difference?

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When Rogues Go Berserk

, , , | Related | May 8, 2020

I’m playing a particularly difficult rogue-like game; it’s easily the hardest challenge I’ve ever tried to do. Oftentimes, I can’t make it past the first level, but sometimes I get lucky. This is one of those runs, and my brother is in the room with me. I find one of the best weapons in the game.

Me: “Hey! This is looking good.”

Brother: “Are you sure? I never got too much use out of that.”

Me: “Just wait and see. This weapon could carry me straight to the end.”

I immediately follow this line by getting overconfident, rushing into a horde of enemies, and dying.

Brother: *Chuckles* “Wait and see, huh? I guess I’ll have to wait three more days for that weapon to turn up again.”

Me: *Jokingly* “I never said which end. In this case, it was mine.”

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Why Don’t YOU Go To The Poconos? Or Somewhere Farther Away?

, , , , , | Related | May 8, 2020

My fiance and I are discussing our upcoming wedding at a family event for my side of the family. One of my elderly relatives is VERY opinionated and thinks that her way is the only way. My husband has just told her that we have booked an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica for our honeymoon. My boss goes to this specific resort every year and he recommended it highly, so we booked it. 

Elderly Relative: “Why don’t you go to the Poconos? One of my neighbors went to the Poconos on their honeymoon and they loved it! You don’t have to fly there.”

It is worth noting that my family lives in central Delaware, a roughly three-hour drive from the Poconos. My husband is stationed at the nearby Air Force base. I am a truck driver for a food service company and the honeymoon resorts in the Poconos are on my route, so I drive there several times a week.

Me: “Why would we want to go to the Poconos? The weather is going to be the same as it is in Dover and I drive there several times a week for work. We are getting married in October and we want a real getaway.”

Elderly Relative: “But the resorts in the Poconos have the most delicious food! My friend says that they got to see a lingerie show there and they got to feed deer!”

Me: “First of all, the quality of the food that I deliver to the honeymoon resort restaurants is very low, the kitchens smell bad, and the places are extremely dated; they get very poor reviews online. In fact, one reviewer referred to one of the resorts as ‘welfare Sandals.’ Second of all, a lingerie show is not our idea of fun. We want to get on an airplane and escape our day-to-day lives.”

Elderly Relative: “What does Jamaica have that the Poconos doesn’t have?”

Me: “Umm, beaches, gourmet food, amazing spas, and world-class service?”

Elderly Relative: “But the Poconos are cheaper and they are closer!”

I look up the Poconos resorts on my travel app.

Me: “No, the Poconos are not cheaper! According to [Travel Site], they are actually more expensive than the deal we got on the trip to Jamaica. We are flying out of Baltimore Washington International and it is only a two-hour drive from here so I am actually driving less. The flight is only three hours.”

Elderly Relative: “You are going to have a really bad time in Jamaica and wish that you went to the Poconos!”

We had an AMAZING time in Jamaica! We spent every morning eating the best breakfast buffet that we have ever had, on a terrace overlooking the Caribbean. We got a massage at the resort spa, which was very nice. The restaurants were second to none and the grounds were absolutely gorgeous. Our room overlooked the Caribbean and was amazing. It actually rained VERY heavily in the Poconos during the week of our honeymoon. So much for the bad time that we were expected to have in Jamaica!

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What A Pissy Attitude

, , , , , , | Related | May 7, 2020

My brother and I are twenty-six and thirty-two respectively, and we live with our parents because the economy sucks.

One of the fuses in our apartment went out. I contacted the property manager, but it was Saturday night and she couldn’t get someone from maintenance to come out until Monday, seeing as it wasn’t an emergency — just that a couple of lights and outlets weren’t working, but nothing pressing. One of the lights not working was in the bathroom. 

Around midnight that same night, Dad had to pee. Instead of sitting on the toilet or something, he apparently just could not aim properly and peed all around the area of the toilet. Mom overheard him cursing about it and came to get me, because she’s blind and, well, that shit is nasty. So, I had to get out of bed and go wash the bathroom floor.

When I asked him why he couldn’t just sit to pee until it was fixed, he angrily retorted, “Well, if someone would finally call the property manager so we can get the fuse fixed, then I could see what I was doing!

“Dad, I already called,” I explained. “They can’t send anybody out until Monday.”

“Oh.”

For the rest of the weekend, he was able to magically not pee on the floor, even at night. That’s when I knew it was done out of spite.

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