The Number One League

, , | Related | June 20, 2017

(At this moment, the only available bathroom is the one adjoining the master bedroom. The door is open and both of my parents are lying in bed, on top of the covers, reading on their tablets.)

Me: “Hey, can I use your bathroom real quick?”

Dad: *without looking up* “What do you need it for?”

Me: “Um… for peeing?”

(Dad looks up, and it’s obvious he only just now processed what I had asked.)

Dad: “Oh, then sure. I thought maybe you were going to start a football league in there.”

Me: “I think your bathroom is a little small for a football league.”

Mom: “Not if you start a pee-wee football league.”

Harnessing Up All Your Parental Power

, , , , | Related | June 20, 2017

(My niece is around two years old but has very advanced speech skills. Shopping with her is always an ordeal because she always takes off running. My sister is pregnant and unable to run after her so buys a toddler harness and lead. This time we are shopping together so she leaves the harness off. My niece of course decides to run out of the shop with me chasing after her. I manage to stop her just outside the door and before she gets to the busy street. She struggles to get out of my grip.)

Niece: “Let go of me.”

Me: “I’m not going to let go until you promise not to run away.”

Niece: “I promise I won’t run away.”

Me: “Okay, let’s go back inside now.”

Niece: “No, I don’t want to.”

Me: “Yes, you are, because I said so.”

Niece: “No, I want to stay here.”

Me: “No, you are coming inside.”

Niece: “Well, I think I’ll just chuck a tantrum then.”

(She looks behind her, sees concrete so gently lowers herself to the ground and takes a deep breath. I’m looking on in quiet amusement and just as she’s ready to start screaming I pick her up by the front of her outfit.)

Me: “Not with me, you don’t.” *carries her back into the shop like she’s a suitcase, she’s so stunned*

Sister: “What are you doing?” *after I explain* “Looks like I have to get the harness out.”

(After she puts it on, my niece is standing by her, nice and content. We leave the shop and an elderly lady notices my niece.)

Lady: “Oh, what a cutie, look at your lovely red curly hair.” *notices harness and snarls to my sister* “How dare you treat that poor baby like she’s a dog. You should be ashamed of yourself. Take that disgusting thing off her right now!”

(My sister, usually very quick-witted and easy to anger, opens her mouth to yell back when my niece starts yelling at the lady in an almost demonic voice:)

Niece: “SHE CAN’T, BECAUSE I ALWAYS RUN OFF!” *gives her an evil grin and goes back to standing contentedly by her mother’s side*

(The woman was so shocked that we left her standing in the middle of the path with her mouth hanging open.)

Nuts About Honesty

, , , , | Related | June 20, 2017

(I hear my sons, three and eight, squabbling a little in their bedroom. Suddenly the eldest yells, and the younger one squeals and bursts into a wail. The younger boy comes running to me and says indignantly:)

Youngest Son: “[Brother] HIT me!”

Me: “What were you doing immediately before he hit you?”

Youngest Son: *with an angelic straightforwardness* “I kicked him in the nuts.”

(I suppressed my laughter and pointed out that that’s what happens when you do that to people. He was not amused.)

Dad Explains Things In Black And White

, , , | Related | June 19, 2017

(A few years back, our local black coal power-plant managed to only coat HALF the village in ash, divided down a freakishly straight line. The damage was minimal — just a few loads of dirtied laundry that were hanging out to dry and things like that. It got a little bit of news coverage locally, so they filmed in the affected areas and talked to a few pedestrians, which were quite hard to find since we live in a village and they filmed while most people were at work. They did, however, find and interview my dad.)

Reporter: “Do you live in the side of the village that was affected by the falling ash?”

Dad: “Yes, I do.”

Reporter: “How bad was the damage for you?”

Dad: “Really bad; I mean, look at the dog. He’s usually white.”

(He indicates our black cocker spaniel. For reasons he still doesn’t understand, his interview wasn’t among the ones that were aired.)

QUESTION OF THE WEEK!

| Related | June 19, 2017

Throwback ThursdaysQUESTION OF THE WEEK! Our new segment that aims to spice up your Mondays with our weekly question! 

What is the strictest rule your parents had when you were a kid?

Leave your answer in the comments!

Since this is a new segment, please leave suggestions in the comments about what you think we should name it! We’ll pick the best comments and feature them as stories!

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