Will Not Apologize For That Phrasing Choice

, , , , | Related | October 10, 2017

(A local theater company my family has been involved with for many years has recently gone through a change in leadership, resulting in some… unique situations. Many of the recent decisions have come across as direct attacks against me and my family, including the recent shutdown of a popular, successful, and influential teen group that I was president of, only to be replaced a few days later by a group that has no apparent differences except that we are not involved and the board, presumably, has much more control. While I hold no ill will against them for this, my parents are less forgiving.)

Mom: “Sometime before the first meeting of the new group, I want to post exactly what led up to the shutdown of the first group.”

Me: “Uh, okay, great, but… when you post it, can you try to be a little less confrontational than will come naturally to you?”

Mom: “Oh, don’t worry. I’m going to phrase it as an apology.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Mom: “Yes, I’m going to apologize that we got the group shut down by refusing to be the board’s doormats.”

Me: “…”

Mom: “Because we stood up for what we believed in, instead of bowing down to their so-called supremacy created through shadow government. They decided the only solution was to snatch the group away from all of the teens and create a new one where they have all the power.”

Me: “…O-Oh.”

Mom: “Not what you were thinking?”

Me: “I think we’re back to my original question.”

Must Grow On Pandora

, , , , , | Related | October 10, 2017

(My brother and I are in the living room. My mother sometimes gets random gifts from her workplace, and my brother finds an air plant terrarium in a box. He’s reading the instructions on the care for an air plant.)

Brother: “Hey, [My Name], what’s an air plant?”

Me: “It’s a small plant that’s fairly easy to take care of, that even you have seen people have in their homes. Why?”

Brother: “Oh! Right, right.”

Me: “What did you think they were?”

Brother: “A plant that would be floating on air in the container.”

Me: “…”

(He’s 15 years old.)

About To Start A Storm In A Teacup

, , , , , | Related | October 10, 2017

When I was around seven, my mom brought me to a music festival. While we were walking into the building, my mom pointed at some mint in their garden, and told me you can make tea out of it.

A couple hours later, I wanted something to drink, and tried to get a tea from the concessions stand. They didn’t have any. So, I returned outside, and got an idea. In short order, I and several other unsupervised children began pulling up as many mint plants as we could. When we’d gathered a sizable amount, I brought my bounty inside and dropped it on the concession counter. By chance, my mom was right there when I did so, and scolded me. I turned to her, confused, and declared, “But now they can make tea!

For some reason, she was less than pleased by my ingenuity, and immediately bundled me into the car. The next year, the concession stand offered tea.

Haven’t Got A Dog’s Chance

, , , , , , | Related | October 9, 2017

(I have a dachshund who weighs about 11 pounds, full grown. Many people feel that it was okay to pick him up. He is a very sweet dog, and at this point has never snapped at anyone, but as he’s aged he has started to growl a bit when children try to carry him. I also have a niece, twelve years old at the time, who has always been a bit of a brat and a bully. This occurs as my six-year-old nephew is reaching for my dog.)

Me: “[Nephew], that isn’t a good idea. [Dog] is a grumpy old man now and doesn’t like to be picked up.”

Nephew: “Does he bite?”

Me: “He hasn’t yet, but I’d rather not risk it. Why not just pet him gently instead? He likes that.”

(My niece, who heard the entire thing, decides then to step in.)

Niece: “Oh, please. He won’t bite; just watch.”

Me: “[Niece], don’t!”

(Before I can stop her, my niece grabs up my dog and cradles him in her arms on his back like a baby, sticking her face close to his. She begins to baby-talk to him, only to be met with a fierce snarl and a quick nip to the nose. He doesn’t break any skin, but she shrieks and almost drops him before I can take him from her.)

Niece: “What?! He bit me! Stupid dog!”

Me: “You should have listened.”

(My nephew begins to pet my dog, who responds by licking his fingers.)

Nephew: “You’re the only stupid dog here, [Niece].”

(My niece stormed off to tell her parents, who informed her that she shouldn’t have ignored what I said. She never messed with my dog again, and my dog never bit at anyone after that. He actually became quite fond of my nephew, who always made certain to be gentle with him.)

Has Certain Memories PINNED

, , , , , | Related | October 9, 2017

(My mom takes me out for a morning of errands with her, and is trying to figure out what order to do things in.)

Mom: “We need groceries, and you wanted a new notebook, and your dad asked if I could check on the price of sand for him… but I’ll have to go to the ATM first, and there’s always a line this time of day.”

Me: “I could go to the ATM for you, and meet you at the grocery store.”

Mom: “That’s sweet, honey, but to use the ATM you’d have to know my–”

Me: *recites my mother’s four-digit PIN code*

Mom: “How did you know that?!”

Me: “By watching you enter it every couple weeks since I was five?”

Mom: *hands me ATM card* “Get $300.”

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