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Funny stories about family

Never More Thankful Than When They Finally Leave

, , , , , , , , | Related | November 24, 2022

This story takes place on Thanksgiving Day at my home. My husband’s maternal cousin, her husband, and their three children suddenly dropped into town from out of state two days before the holiday, and they wanted to have Thanksgiving with my husband, his parents, and me.

My husband hates his cousin and her family, but his mom pitched such a hissy fit that he gave in. His cousin’s children are QUITE poorly mannered and have a reputation for completely destroying the homes of people that they visit. I also ended up having to buy extra food at the last minute because our guest list went from four to nine. I also had to revise the menu because his cousin sent over a LONG list of foods that her children do not like.

We live on a small farm. Our house is over a hundred years old and is quite small by American standards. I am sitting on the couch grading assignments from the students in my Introduction To Supply Chain Management class at the local community college.

Husband: “My cousin and her spawn just pulled up the driveway. Hopefully, they don’t wreck the house! If they start running around the house, I am sending them back outside and they can run around the goat pasture!”

As soon as my husband opens the front door, his cousin’s children rush in and IMMEDIATELY start touching anything that they can get their hands on. The oldest daughter grabs the remote, turns off the program I was watching, and starts scrolling through channels.

Oldest Daughter: “Why don’t you have the Disney Channel?! I wanted to watch [Show] and you don’t have it. I can’t live without my Disney Channel!”

Me: “I think that you can for a few hours. If you want, I can find something on one of the streaming services for you guys to watch.”

Oldest Daughter: “BUT. I. WANT. THE. DISNEY. CHANNEL! You should have gotten satellite TV when you found out that we were coming!”

I am about to scold her when my husband realizes that the two youngest have grabbed my work laptop out of the office/guest room and are trying to crack my password. I go to stop them.

Then, I hear a smash and turn around to find that the oldest daughter has taken her shoes off and thrown them at my framed Master’s degree on the living room wall, shattering the glass and knocking it off the wall. This really sets me off because I worked really hard for that degree and the frame was a quite expensive custom job.

Me: “You are going to pay for that frame! It wasn’t cheap. And I think that you have also damaged the diploma. I have to get a new copy from the college, and that is going to set me back about $50. Go outside before I start to lose my temper further!”

My husband’s cousin jumps in.

Cousin: “You shouldn’t let [My Name] talk to my children that way! They’re good kids, so they should get everything they want!”

My husband used to be a drill sergeant in the Army. He gets this look on his face like he is about to really roast his cousin and her kids. He responds in the loudest drill sergeant voice he can muster.

Husband: “You shouldn’t allow them to be monsters about it, then! They have damaged property, been completely disrespectful to my wife and me, and created utter chaos from the second that they set foot in this house! GET THEM OUT OF MY HOUSE! You gave my wife two days’ notice that you are coming for Thanksgiving dinner and expected her to cater to all of your whims by giving her a laundry list of foods that she shouldn’t cook because your demon spawn don’t like them! You are outrageous people, and you are no longer welcome at my home!”

Cousin: “But what are we supposed to do for Thanksgiving dinner?”

Husband: “FIND A RESTAURANT! Good luck finding one, though, because I seriously doubt that the only restaurant open on Thanksgiving in this town is going to put up with your children!”

My husband’s cousin left with her kids in a huff. My mother-in-law was so mad at my husband and me for throwing them out that she didn’t talk to us for over five months! She was mad because she didn’t get to have Thanksgiving dinner with her niece and her great nieces and nephews. We held firm because her kids were in our house for less than five minutes and this was the chaos that they created. They probably would have destroyed my home if they had stayed for dinner!

I, Too, Pig Out In Times Of Stress

, , , , , , | Related | November 22, 2022

I’m visiting my boyfriend at his family’s house one day when they get a call saying his father has had a heart attack and is in hospital. Naturally, they all want to rush to leave, and I volunteer to stay and look after the dog.

I am a cat person and have had little experience with dogs. The family is gone pretty much all day — as you could guess with something like this — and the dog starts reminding me that it is nearly dinner time.

I text my boyfriend.

Me: “What do you normally do with food for [Dog]?”

Boyfriend: “Give him two scoops of the dry food we have in the cupboard.”

I do. [Dog] ends up sleeping happily on the sofa until they get back, all is well, and [Boyfriend]’s dad is recovering at the hospital after emergency surgery.

When they return, [Boyfriend]’s mum looks at a very happy dog.

Boyfriend’s Mum: “Was everything okay?”

Me: “Yes. I was surprised how quickly [Dog] wolfed down his two scoops.”

Boyfriend’s Mum: *Frowning slightly* “But that’s his food for the whole day.”

No wonder the dog was so happy that evening.

She Lacks The Bare Necessities To Be A Rat

, , , | Related | November 21, 2022

As a child, I kept hamsters for some years, but eventually, I decided I didn’t want any more pets for a little while, so my mum and I put our hamster paraphernalia away for a year or two.

Then, a family friend phoned: her neighbour had found a hamster in the garden, and if we still had the equipment, could we look after it? My mum eventually agreed, and we were brought a sweet little white dwarf hamster. We brought her to the vet the next day, and she was pronounced fine and probably an escapee. We put up some “found” posters and named her Mowgli, for an adoptee found in the wilderness.

Later that day, my mum’s friend visited and commented that she didn’t know my mum kept rats. My mum had a serious phobia of rats and completely panicked, despite my protests that the animal was obviously a hamster. I persuaded her to call the vet before she put Mowgli out again. So, in tears, she phoned the vet to ask if Mowgli was a rat.

The vet paused, and, clearly trying to be minimally sarcastic, asked:

Vet: “Has Mowgli doubled in size? Has she grown a long scaly tail? Has her face changed shape?”

My mum admitted none of these things had happened, and the vet assured her that she would have pointed it out to us if our hamster wasn’t a hamster. 

It still took a few weeks for my mum to feel comfortable around Mowgli, but eventually, they made friends. No one ever claimed Mowgli, so she spent a little over two happy years with us.

I still wonder sometimes how hard the vet laughed after my poor mum’s phone call.

Playing Telephone Sure Has Evolved

, , , , , , | Related | November 20, 2022

I am in line waiting to pay at a store. In front of me is a man with two young girls in tow. One of the girls pulls a ball out of the shopping cart, clearly intending to play with it, but the moment she gets it out, the other girl wants it, and the two girls start the classic sibling pastime of squabbling over their toys.

The man takes the ball from both girls and holds it up out of their reach when they can’t come to an agreement.

Man: “Kids, you don’t snatch.”

Girl #2: “I had it first!”

Girl #1: “Nuh-uh!”

Man: “If you girls can’t find a way to share it, I’ll put it back and no one will get it.”

Girl #1: “Can we play the phone game?”

Man: “That’s a great idea, [Girl #1].”

I’m now perversely curious about the non-sequitur about playing games on the phone and how this seems to satisfy the father who looked ready to scold both kids. So, I can’t help but peek over the man’s shoulder as he pulls out his phone and puts it down where the girls can reach it.

Both girls place their fingers on the phone, resulting in color circles showing up under each girl’s finger. Then, after a second, the circle under [Girl #1]’s finger disappears while [Girl #2]’s circle stays. The man hands the ball to [Girl #2].

Girl #1: “Aww…”

Man: “Sorry, [Girl #2] won this time. She can keep the ball until we get to the car, and then [Girl #1] can carry it into the house. No one gets it while I’m driving because I don’t want you causing an accident.”

Just like that, what I thought was about to be a major fight with the kids was resolved. I’ve already decided I’ve got to find a similar “phone game” as soon as my youngest child is old enough to start fighting with her brother.

Your Wi-Fi Problems Are All In Your Head

, , , , , | Related | November 19, 2022

My parents’ Wi-Fi fails suddenly while I am visiting. I work in IT, so it naturally falls on my shoulders to fix it. I try resetting and reconfiguring their wireless access point without any improvement, so I decide to call technical support. My cellular service provider has zero service in my parents’ neighborhood, so without Wi-Fi, I have to borrow my dad’s phone to call. My dad’s hearing is poor, so he wears hearing aids and has used their Bluetooth capabilities to connect them to his iPhone. I switch the phone back to the internal speaker to use it.

However, we discovered today that if my dad’s hearing aids happen to fall back in range of the phone’s Bluetooth receiver, the phone automatically switches back to them as the audio output.

My dad is in the kitchen walking around talking to my mom while I’m in his office working with the WAP and router.

Suddenly, the helpdesk employee’s voice cuts out.

Me: “Uh, hello? Hello, are you still there? Ma’am, I can’t hear you anymore.”

Dad: *To my mom* “D*** it, hang on.” *Yelling out to me* “[My Name]! There’s a woman in my head trying to talk to you!”