Not Destined To Get Through

, , , , , | Related | January 5, 2020

(I am about thirteen, and I have just gotten my braces off. With this, they have given me a retainer which makes me speak with a lisp until I get used to it. Unfortunately, I have an S name, so this makes even saying my own name difficult. My mom wants to talk to her sister on the phone, but she has her hands full, so she has me call first. My uncle has a very dry sense of humor and thus is not very personable to talk to. I’m okay talking with him now, but at the time I’d rather just get to my aunt. This is before caller ID is in most homes.)

Uncle: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, it’s Stephanie. Is [Aunt] there?”

Uncle: “Who is this?”

Me: “Stephanie.”

Uncle: “We don’t know any Destiny. Sorry, you have the wrong phone number.” *hangs up*

Me: “Uh…”

Mom: “What happened?”

Me: “It was [Uncle]. He said he didn’t know a Destiny and I had the wrong phone number.”

Mom: “Try again. I’m almost finished.”

(On the phone:)

Uncle: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, it’s Stephanie. Can I talk to [Aunt]?”

Uncle: “Who is it?”

Me: “Stephanie.”

Uncle: “Destiny?”

Me: “No, Stephanie!”

Uncle: “I told you, we don’t know any Destiny. You have the wrong number.” *hangs up*

Me: “He keeps hanging up on me!”

Mom: “What? Why?”

Me: “I don’t know! He keeps calling me Destiny!”

Mom: “Try again. Try to speak more clearly.”

(On the phone:)

Uncle: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, this is Stephanie. Is–”

Uncle: “I TOLD YOU WE DON’T KNOW ANY DESTINY! STOP CALLING US!” *hangs up*

(I started crying. My mom finished what she was doing and called. Her sister picked up this time. She apologized for my uncle. She was wondering why he was angry on the phone, but my mom and aunt laughed about the situation for a while. Eventually, I found the humor in it, and now they sometimes call me Destiny.)

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Their Planning Was A Joke

, , , , , , | Related | January 4, 2020

My family and I were out to dinner at a restaurant we had never tried before but had heard great things about. A big-name comedian was in town, so naturally, all the surrounding restaurants were packed. In making the reservation, I figured we needed to be at the restaurant at least two hours before the show, and even that would be cutting it close. 

My family thought otherwise and made a reservation for only an hour and a half before the show. We had a tough time finding parking, so we were late to the restaurant and had about an hour to get served and eat. 

I knew we hadn’t left much time to eat, so I ordered water and something quick I could sneak in my purse and eat at the show, while my family all ordered cocktails, steaks, and elaborate dishes, thus leaving no time to eat before we had to leave. They complained the entire time we were there from waiting to be seated, to waiting to get our order taken, to waiting for their drinks and meals, etc. 

We were going to be late to the show, so my family just threw a bunch of cash on the table and left, hoping it was enough to cover the meals with probably no tip, and half of my family hadn’t received any food yet, so they were pretty hangry. 

Not too long after the show started, I took out my food I had wrapped in a napkin and offered it to everyone. They were stubborn enough to refuse, so I happily ate dinner while they all grumbled and shot daggers at me throughout the show. Plan better next time, and this is coming from the member of the family who’s always late.

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Mom Wants You To Fly High, But Not That High

, , , , , | Related | January 3, 2020

(My family is on vacation, visiting Washington DC. We go to the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum and they have flight simulators that you can pay to ride in. It’s basically like a big video game, where you climb into the machine, buckle in, and then use the joystick to pilot the plane. It can spin and flip. Being kids, naturally, my sister wants me to go nuts and I oblige, flipping and spinning the ride almost nonstop. It’s a blast. After we get out, my mom takes me by the shoulders and looks me square in the eyes.)

Mom: “Please never get a pilot’s license.”

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It’s A Vicious Solar Cycle

, , , , | Related | January 3, 2020

(My dad and I are getting ready to go out to eat. We’re in the living room when he reaches up into the glass bowl of his floor lamp and pulls out his watch. I stare at him in utter befuddlement for a few seconds before:)

Me: “Why was your watch in the lamp?”

Dad: *as if it’s the most reasonable thing to say* “It’s been overcast the last few days and the battery was getting low.” *puts on the watch and points to it* “It’s solar-powered!”

Me: “…”

Dad: “Pretty genius, right?”

Me: *starting to giggle at the absurdity, but also the excellent logic*

Dad: *now laughing too* “You know, it made perfect sense to me, but based on your expression and thinking about it now, it is pretty silly!”

(We spent the rest of the time getting ready in various states of laughter. Turns out modern problems and their solutions can be a good source of humor!)

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Brace(let) Yourself For A Cheapskate

, , , , , | Related | January 3, 2020

(My dog breaks a bracelet my long-distance girlfriend gave to me when she visited my area a few months ago. Thankfully, she still has the link for me to buy it online so I can replace it, so I do. I tell my dad that it will be delivered on Wednesday, a day he has off, so he can keep an eye out while I am at work.)

Dad: “So, how much did the bracelet cost, anyway?”

Me: “Oh, it was only nine dollars.”

Dad:Nine dollars?! That’s so expensive!”

Me: “Dad. There is a middle-ground between a 1k diamond bracelet and the cheapo plastic jewelry you buy out of those dispenser things for a quarter at the roller rink. It’s fairly inexpensive, especially for a bracelet actually made out of gems and not plastic, even if it’s just agates and some lava rock.”

Dad: “Well, okay, when you put it that way…”

(What world does he live in where a nine-dollar bracelet is crazy expensive? Should I be worried about the stuff he’s bought for my mom?)

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