Sob Sister

, , , , , | Related | January 16, 2019

(I work at a country club. At a large wedding, I learn that the only thing worse than a bridezilla is an I’m-not-the-bride-or-the-groom-but-I’m-making-it-all-about-me-zilla. This ‘zilla was the girlfriend of the bride’s brother. My manager and I are helping the family do some final cleaning up for the night, and I gradually realize that this one young woman is sitting in the corner, crying. Different family members, including the bride, keep going over to try and comfort her. As we’re all heading out to the parking lot, she’s trailing behind us sobbing loudly. My manager, a sweet grandmotherly lady in her 60s, asks her what’s wrong. Both the bride and her brother try and deflect, but the woman starts yelling how she needs a sister, and she misses her sister, and it’s so unfair she doesn’t have a sister. At this point, my manager and I assume that she has lost her sister — i.e., her sister had passed away — and that’s why she was crying. My poor manager starts telling this girl how she (the manager) lost her son when he was nineteen, and offering to hug her and get her water and stuff. The woman then screams at her boyfriend/the bride’s brother:)

Woman: “NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME, [Brother]!” *lays down on the ground and sobs hysterically*

(The bride and her mother are now both pissed at [Brother] because he apparently “promised this wouldn’t happen.” Just as I and the manager are thinking these people are heartless monsters, the groom, seeing our expressions, tells us:)

Groom: “She doesn’t have a sister.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Is there anything I can—“

Groom: “No, you don’t understand. She’s never had a sister. She just gets really upset about totally random stuff when she’s drunk.”

Me: “Oooookay… So, she’s not upset because her sister died? She’s upset because she never had a sister in the first place?”

Groom: “Yup.”

(The brother pulled his car around, they loaded the hysterical crying woman into the car, and he made it all of ten yards before having to pull over so she could throw up. Repeatedly.)

Grooted In Reality

, , , | Related | January 16, 2019

(My dad is away on business, so I go over to my parents’ house to keep my mom company. My mother is notorious in our family for HATING any films with excess CGI, but she demands that we watch something “easy and brainless” so I put on “Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2” and hope for the best. Fast forward to the next day and my dad coming home. He and I are standing in the kitchen talking and listening to music when my mom comes dancing in.)

Mom: *happily, while dancing around* “I am Grout!”

Me: “‘Groot,’ Mama. You’re ‘Groot.’”

Mom: *happy and still dancing* “I am Groot!”

(My mother dances back out of the room. My father turns to me with a bewildered look on his face.)

Dad: “Is your mom high?!”

(I cracked up. Much to my surprise, my mother had really enjoyed the movie… Especially Baby Grout — er — Groot!)

The Kind Of Stupid Moment You Wish You Could Have Videoed

, , , , , , | Related | January 15, 2019

(It’s the early ‘90s, and a lot of ‘portable’ technology is still pretty expensive. My parents and I have just gotten back from visiting my grandparents’ house in Florida. It was a long, three-day drive; and upon arriving home late one night we’re all very tired and hungry.)

Mom: “I’m thinking of putting on a frozen pizza. How does that sound?”

Dad: “Excellent. We’ll unload the car while you pre-heat the oven.”

(A couple minutes later, the oven has started to heat up, yet something seems off.)

Me: “Mom? Dad? Something smells really funny in the kitchen.”

Mom: “It almost smells like burning rubber or something.” *sudden gasp of realization* “[Neighbor]’s camcorder!”

Me: “What?!”

(Sure enough, Mom and Dad turn the oven off and open the door to find the melted remains of what was once a very expensive, new recording device.)

All: “…”

Mom: “Oh, NO…”

Me: “Why was [Neighbor]’s new portable video recorder in the oven?!”

Mom: “We borrowed it for [Event] and didn’t get a chance to return it before they left on their vacation…

Me: “But why the oven?!”

Dad: “I thought it would be safe there! No-one would look for a VCR machine in an oven!”

Mom: “Well, we’ve certainly proven that part right.”

(My parents bought him an entirely new machine; thankfully, he found the whole story hilarious. We also learned an important lesson: always check your ovens before turning up the heat!)

Your Favorite Stories Of 2018!

| Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | January 14, 2019

Dear readers,

We asked you to let us know what your favorite stories from 2018 were, and boy did you deliver! We’ve rounded up many of your great suggestions below. We’ve ensured we haven’t repeated any stories from our twenty top rated posts of 2018.

Not The Only Terrorists That Day

Giving You A Bridge To Cross

Innocent Until They Prove Themselves Guilty

Allow Me To Deposit Some Reality Right Here

The Hour Turned Sour

Doctors Need To Have Patience With The Patients

Scream Bloody Murder

The Drive-Thru At Pride Rock

If You Treat The Cows Like Crap…

Don’t Get The Grilled Cheese

Fall Of Bridezilla

He’s About To Get A Chile Reception

These Nine Lives Outweigh Your One

, , , , , | Related | January 14, 2019

(I am visiting my mom, who still has the cats I grew up with. At one point I am in the living room cuddling with one of them.)

Mom’s Husband: “I thought you’d be spending time with your mom right now?”

Me: *curled up with my fifteen-year-old cat, face buried in her soft fluffy belly* “But… I only have a few more years left with her!”

Mom: *coming around the corner with a shocked look on her face* “Oh! You were talking about HER! I thought you were talking about ME!”

Me: “GOD no! I expect to have at least another thirty years with YOU!”

(Unfortunately, that plus all of us laughing was too much noise for kitty’s naptime, so she cut off my cuddle time to flounce off and relax somewhere else. Fortunately, she’s now eighteen and still in great health. I expect she’ll make it into her twenties.)

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