You’re An Ool To Trust Them

, , , , , , | Related | July 9, 2018

(Before I get in our new pool with our grandsons, I decide to explain a very important rule by telling a very old, very corny joke.)

Me: “Boys, welcome to our ‘ool.’”

(They both looked puzzled.)

Me: “I can see that you’re wondering why I called it our ‘ool.’ It’s because there is no P in it, and we want to keep it that way.”

(They burst out laughing. Two days later, their mom brings them to swim again. She and I are talking when the older boy yells:)

Grandson: “Uh-oh, Grandma! Now it’s a pool!”

Boys: Obnoxious At Three Months

, , , , , | Related | July 9, 2018

(I have just become a first-time father and am learning the ropes. I also really, really, really love spending time with my son, and everyone calls him a “serious Daddy’s boy.” He has just turned three months old and has figured out how to burp without much help. I always laugh and shout, “That’s MY BOY!” He also will randomly give you his version of a kiss, which is him putting both his hands on your cheeks, opening his mouth, and putting your nose in his mouth for moment, backing up, and smiling. He and I are playing together when he suddenly grabs my face and moves in for, what I think is, a kiss. He gets to about two inches from my face, gets a huge grin on his face, and releases a burp I cannot believe just came from a baby. He then starts cracking up. I’m sitting there, absolutely stunned in silence. My wife has exploded into laughter.)

Me: “Did… did he just…”

Wife: “YEAH! He’s done that to me a few times when you were at work!”


Not “Playing” Possum Anymore

, , , , , | Related | July 8, 2018

(When I was a child, we lived in a suburban neighborhood with older houses built close together. One year, my mother gets “puppy fever” and adopts a German Shepherd. She and the dog bond instantly, and she becomes overprotective of him. That same year, a family of opossums moves into our backyard. When our dog is outside, the opossums sit on the back fence and hiss at him. They are too high up for him to reach, so he angrily barks at them. My mother becomes enraged, as well, that the opossums are taunting her “baby,” and tries to chase them off with a broom, but each night they return. One night, we hear the dog begin to bark at the fence, and Mother jumps to her feet, yelling, “That’s it!” As we watch in horror, she retrieves my father’s shotgun from the closet, marches outside, and begins shooting at the back fence. Having little experience with guns, she misses the opossums completely, but does manage to hit the neighbor’s garage.)

Neighbor: *running outside* “Oh, my God! What’s wrong?”

Mom: “Mind your own business!”

(My mother passed away in May of this year. My brother and I shared this story at her funeral: she was incorrigible to the end, and we think she would have approved.)

Some People Get Hospitalized For Saying Things Like That

, , , , | Related | July 7, 2018

(I am on the phone with my long-term boyfriend. My mum comes in my room and is trying to get me to go somewhere or do something with her.)

Me: “I can’t, Mum. I’m talking to [Boyfriend]; his brother just had a seizure and is in hospital right now. He’s not doing well.”

Mum: “[Boyfriend] is in hospital?”

Me: “No, his brother.”

Mum: “Then why do you care?” *walks off*

(It’s been four years, and my now-husband still hasn’t quite forgiven her for that comment.)

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Not The Number One Solution

, , , , | Related | July 6, 2018

(With another family visiting us, we bring the children to a local water supply museum. Among other things, the guide tells us that it is the only water supply station in Europe that gets water from underground to collectors by vacuum pumps, which work similarly to sucking water through straw. He suggests we try that out ourselves later. So, back at home, we give each child one full and one empty cup and tell them to get all water from first cup to second through a straw. Some manage it sooner, some later, but one boy manages to just drink all his water.)

Boy: “Would it count if I now peed into the second cup?”

His Mom: “I don’t think the townspeople would care much for your solution.”

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