Perfect Comic Timing

, , , , , | Related | October 12, 2017

(My mom and I are helping my grandparents move closer to home, when my grandma loses her vision completely. She is also diagnosed with the beginnings of dementia, so it’s a bit of a sad change for her and my grandpa. During the move, we go to eat at a restaurant. We have to leave by 1:00 pm to meet a car salesman at a dealership, so my grandparents can sell their car. My phone dies, and my mom leaves her phone in the car, so as we’re preparing to leave, we don’t know what time it is.)

Grandpa: “I don’t want to be late. Why isn’t there a clock in here?”

Mom: “We’re not late, Dad, don’t worry. [My Name], is your phone—”

Me: “Completely dead.”

Mom: “Darn. Mom, you always have a watch. Do you have it with you?”

(We all look at Grandma expectantly and she looks back at us, as best she can, like we’ve lost it.)

Grandma: “What good would that do?”

(Cue us laughing and remembering that my grandma was blind. Out of four people, the one diagnosed with dementia showed the most common sense.)

A Most Note-worthy Erection

, , , , | Related | October 12, 2017

(I am about 16 years old. Our family is from Pennsylvania, and we decide to take a roadtrip to Florida. My siblings and I are riding with our mother in one van while our father follows in the second van with the luggage. We are on the highway passing Washington DC, and my mother begins to tell us how she went to school there and so on.)

Mom: “Okay, kids, look out to the left. We are about to pass the Lincoln memorial. Do you see it there off in the distance? And, oh, look! There’s the Washington monument. It’s that one sticking up like a penis!

Me: “Mom!”

Mom: *completely unfazed* “What? It looks like an erect penis.”

Me:Mom!

Unbuckled Parenting Techniques

, , , , | Related | October 11, 2017

(I work at a school and am bringing a kid out to be picked up, followed by a bunch of other kids who are also waiting for their parents. My school has an office and waiting area right in front, where parents can park to pick up their kids, and in the middle there is a ramp where kids come out from. It’s raining heavily and the pickup area, despite having a roof, is very wet.)

Me: *opening the door to the outside* Oh, [Student]! They are here to pick you up, I think. Who is that lady in the car?”

Student: “My mom.”

(The mom makes a horrible face at me.)

Me: “Great!”

(I open the back door and help [Student] in.)

Mom: *turns around from the front seat and screams* “I almost slipped on your s***ty floor.”

(I’m shocked by her language and turn to look at her eight-year-old. He looks down, obviously scared.)

Mom: “There.” *points to the offices* “I came in and almost slipped. I told the b**** inside that if my kid slips here, I will sue each one of you. I will sue the s*** out of this f****** school and you all will be out of a f****** job. And she ignored me, that b****. And you better hear me. Can you hear me, b***? If my son slips, I will leave you on the street.”

(She keeps screaming. I don’t even know what to answer as I look at [Student] and try, miserably, to buckle him up.)

Me: *interrupting her* “Excuse me, the seat belt seems to be stuck behind the seat. [Student], could you please move to the other side so I can buckle you up? I wouldn’t want you to leave without the seat belt on.”

Mom: *now furious at being interrupted* “Who cares about a d*** seat belt?! Get a life, you b****. I have things to do! Leave him like that and go get a mop to clean! This s***ty school charges too much and only hires b****es. Go work!”

(I hardly have time to close the door before the car speeds away, with [Student] unbuckled. So much for her child’s safety. I have never seen this mom before, but I do know that this is the second time in two years that she has picked up her son. Usually, he stays up to four hours after exit time waiting for her, and she always sends random people to pick him up: boyfriends, aunts, friends, etc. We have to call every time to ask if they are allowed. I tell my boss about this incident. The floor was dry. Apparently, the lady came in with her wet high heels and slipped on the smooth floor.)

Boss: “Don’t worry; she threatens to sue us all the time.”

(And before you ask, the father tried to get custody of the boy. He got it for a while and it was great. But she got it back. Poor [Student].)

Travel, Have A Crack At It

, , , , | Related | October 11, 2017

(I am planning a trip to Athens with several friends. I am at home discussing the costs and stuff with my mom when this happens.)

Me: “The hotel would be really cheap for a two-week stay, even. It’s crazy. Crap’s so cheap over there—”

Mom: “[MY NAME]! You know once you try that stuff you get addicted; how could you even think of going and doing that?!”

Me: *bemused* “What, travelling? I mean it’s not the worst thing to be addicted to. Maybe your wallet would disagree.”

Mom: “Crack is so bad for you, [My Name]; I can’t believe—”

Me: “Wait, what? You thought I said ‘crack’? I said ‘crap’. Oh, my gosh, Mom.”

(It’s been a few weeks and I’m still teasing her over that.)

Don’t Be Left To Your Own Devices

, , , , , , , | Related | October 11, 2017

Teenage Son: “I’ve got the song ‘Pompeii’ stuck in my head.”

Me: “But if you close your eyes…”

(Long pause:)

Teenage Son: “Great, now I’ve got the video for the song stuck in my head!”

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