Uses The Spontaneous Combustion Method Of Cooking

, , , , , , | Related | September 12, 2018

My sister has never been a good cook; this has simply become a fact of life. These are a few of the stories that have come up over the years.

When I was about seven and she was around eleven, we decided to do something nice for our parents. We grabbed the cook book and found dinner and drink recipes to make one night: chicken pot pie and quality punch. My parents bought the supplies for us, and we got to work. Halfway through preparing the punch, we started to realize there was a lot of it. We looked at the recipe a little closer… It read, “quantity punch.”

My sister made brownies, but switched the oil with high fructose corn syrup. When we ate them, they were extra chewy, and she wouldn’t eat them because the eggs were questionable.

She tried to boil water, and a fire started. She calmly went to our parents’ room and woke Mom up, saying, “Fire,” as if nothing was wrong. My mom, dazed from just being woken up, had to have my sister repeat the statement three times, and only on the third did my sister emphasize it as if something was horribly wrong. The house didn’t burn down, though!

My sister went off to college, and in her second year, she was made an RA (resident advisor). They put her through all sorts of training, including what to do in case of fire. Halfway through the year, we got a call from her about how she was microwaving a cookie at the dorm, and it caught fire. She panicked, and her neighbor had to come over and put the fire out because she knew what to do when a fire happened with someone else, but not for her own room.

The Tusken Raider Exhibit Is This Way

, , , , , | Related | September 12, 2018

(My parents and I are walking around the zoo. It’s near the end of our day there and we’re pretty tired. We’re walking around the African area and my mom asks a question.)

Mom: “Where are the sand people?”

Me: “What? Sand people?”

Mom: “Yeah, you know, the little guys that…” *mimes popping up out of the ground*

Me: “Oh! Meerkats, mom. I think you mean meerkats.” *dies laughing* “I’m calling them sand people from now on, though.”

(And yes, we did end up finding where the “sand people” were, and had a good time watching them. I won’t let her forget this, though.)

Hell’s Angels Need Their Muffins

, , , , | Related | September 11, 2018

(My brother-in-law is huge, with biker tattoos. I hear him say, all in a high-pitched, happy voice, upon raiding the pantry…)

Brother-In-Law: “Oooooooh, hidden muffin!”

Caning Is Coming Back As A Disciplinary Tool

, , , , , , | Related | September 11, 2018

(I grew up across the street from a family of seven kids; I was best friends with their youngest. Their second oldest was born with cerebral palsy. Although the doctors at the time urged his parents to institutionalize him, they ignored them and treated him like all the other kids. He had a severe speech impediment, and had to walk with a cane, but his brain was fine, and he was just one of the gang. He was never allowed to use his disability to get away with anything. One day, I am over playing with my friend, and her brother is sitting in the living room watching TV. As we go back and forth through the house, he tries to trip us with his cane, every. Single. Time. Finally, after about the sixth time, his sister grabs his cane and puts it in his bedroom two rooms away, and we bolt. He has to make his way very, very slowly down the hall to his room, holding onto the wall the whole way. On the way, he passes his mom, who is doing dishes in the kitchen.)

Brother: “Mom! [Sister] took my cane!”

Mom: “You tried to trip her. You had it coming.”

Brother: “Can you get it for me?”

Mom: “Nope. Leave your sister alone next time.”

(She went back to her dishes, and brother continued his trek. He grumbled, but he never did torment us that way again. I found that whole family the world’s best model for how to interact with folks with varying abilities: treat ’em like everyone else!)

Ranting Is Coming

, , , , , | Related | September 10, 2018

(I am a huge “Game of Thrones” geek, and have just finished a ramble about how it’s likely that Daenerys will die during the War for the Dawn and Jon Snow will take the Iron Throne.)

Mom: “For the sake of peace in this house, I hope Jon does end up on the Iron Throne. Otherwise, you will be angry and ranting about it for months.”

(I stare at her for a good ten seconds.)

Me: “I really want to be offended by that… but I can’t; you’re absolutely right.”

Page 4/1,714First...23456...Last
« Previous
Next »