When Double Trouble Is Not Enough

, , , | Related | May 11, 2018

(I’m waiting in line for the cashier when a woman walks up behind me with two boys. They’re junior-high-aged and alike as two peas in a pod.)

Woman: “[Boy #1], you keep our place in line while I take [Boy #2] over to look at the braces.”

(She walks off with the other lad.)

Me: “So, is it fun being a twin?”

Boy #1: *grinning* “We aren’t twins.”

Me: “…”

Boy #1: *grinning even more hugely* “We’re triplets!

The Gift Of Leaving

, , , , , , | Related | May 10, 2018

(My mother-in-law is a difficult woman.)

Mother-In-Law: “We never see you anymore!”

Husband: “Well, Mum, I have Christmas presents for you and Dad; would it be okay if I stopped by later this week to drop them off? Then we can have a visit.”

Mother-In-Law: “That’ll be fine. What time?”

Husband: “How about Wednesday after work? I’ll be there around 6:30.”

Mother-In-Law: “Sounds good; see you then.”

(I don’t assume that they’ll give him dinner, but I figure that since he’ll be there for a while, they might offer a cup of tea and a cookie. Therefore, I am surprised when he is home by 7:30.)

Me: “You’re home early!”

Husband: “Yup. Is there any dinner left? I’m starving.”

Me: “Didn’t they offer you anything?”

Husband: *laughing ruefully* “Well, as soon as I arrived, Mum said, ‘Our friends are here to play cards, so you can’t stay. Just put the presents over there. Bye.’ And that was that. I didn’t even get a chance to take my coat off.”

(And she wonders why we don’t visit more often.)

Caffeinated And Educated

, , , | Related | May 10, 2018

(My older sister will start applying for university next year, so our family takes a summer road trip to visit a few campuses. She’s laid back and low-energy and mostly sees school as a necessity, while our engineer dad has always been that one nerd who genuinely loved everything about school, including studying, and can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t. We’ve just sat through a lengthy, dry math seminar at a focused math-and-science college. Dad comes out energized and excited. My sister comes out mentally exhausted and cranky.)

Dad: *looking around eagerly for tour options* “So, what are we going to do now—”

Sister: “NOW… we are going to get coffee.”

Dad: “Okay, and then—”

Sister: “AND THEN… we are going to drink the coffee.”

(He finally got the hint that she needed a break. I don’t think she’ll be applying to that place.)

Trying To Get His Mind In The Gutter

, , , , | Related | May 9, 2018

(We have a leaky gutter right over the kitchen window. It bugs my mom, so one rainy day she points it out to Dad.)

Mom: “[Dad], you really should fix that leaky gutter.”

Dad: *shrugs* “I can’t do it now. It’s raining!”

(Later, on a nice sunny day.)

Mom: “It’s not raining now. Go fix that gutter!”

Dad: *shrugs* “It’s not leaking now.”

Trimming Different Kinds Of Hedges

, , , , | Related | May 8, 2018

(My son, husband, and I are eating dinner with my in-laws. My father-in-law is looking at his phone and makes an announcement.)

Father-In-Law: *to Mother-In-Law* “Did you know that next Saturday is Naked Gardening day?”

Me: *perking up because I’m planning a trip with my son and nieces next weekend past a local attraction on that day* “Well, we’ll have an interesting sight passing by The Garden of a Thousand Buddhas!”

Husband: “Yeah, it’ll be Garden of a Thousand Booties!”

(My mother-in-law was absorbed in a game on her phone and was oblivious to why the three of us were cackling.)

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