A Pun About Going Bananas Would Be Too Easy

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2020

I work in a supermarket. My mum is vulnerable and thus gets online orders, but she hates the quality and dates that are on some of the perishables, so she gives me a list of carriable perishables; I don’t drive so I can’t just get everything. I’ve realised she’s not put bananas on there and I know she’s out, so I give her a call.

Me: “Hey, Mum, just want to check if you want me to get bananas, too.”

Mum: “Oh… Um… No, they’re kind of heavy, so I’ll get them with the big items shop.”

Me: “They’re not that heavy. I can manage them. And your big item shop isn’t until… another fortnight.”

Mum: “Err… no. I’ve already put a lot on your list. But I’ll put them on your Tuesday list.”

Me: “I’m not working Tuesday. If I don’t get them today, you won’t have bananas until Friday. Are you really willing to go five or six days without bananas?”

There is a horrified silence on the phone.

Mum: “GET BANANAS! I REPEAT, GET BANANAS!”

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Bye-Bye, Bigot!

, , , , , , | Related | June 26, 2020

I’m on the phone with the grandmother I have an already rocky relationship with. Out of nowhere, she says this:

Grandma: “I don’t like that gay people can adopt.”

Me: “What?! Why?”

Grandma: “What will two women do with a son? They’re women! They don’t know how to raise a boy!”

Me: “That is the dumbest f****** thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

Grandma: “Don’t use that language with—”

Me: “You were a single mother who raised a son and you spoke to the judge to make sure my mother — your own daughter — didn’t get me in the custody battle instead of my single father.”

Grandma: “W-well… Well, I had help from family! And so did your father!”

Me: “And gay people won’t? Gay people don’t have families?”

Grandma: “I just don’t like gay people! I’m old and set in my ways, and I don’t like them and think they’re disgusting and wrong.”

Me: “Well, I’ve decided that I don’t like you and I think you’re disgusting and wrong.”

Grandma: “Why, because I don’t like gay people?”

Me: “I generally don’t like people who hate me, so, yeah.”

Grandma: “I don’t hate you! When did I say I hated you?”

Me: “Just now. I’m gay. So, since you hate me so much, I’ll just never talk to you again! Bye!” *Click*

Several weeks later, I got a letter in the mail from my grandmother demanding I “change my mind about being gay” because she’s “too old to change.”

I’ve spoken to her a total of two times since then and each time she spouts more hateful nonsense, even going so far as to ask me if I was getting divorced two months after I married my wife. The kicker? Her OLDER sister came to the wedding and absolutely loves my wife; they swap recipes.

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What About “If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…”?

, , , , , | Related | June 25, 2020

My son is four and is learning that some truths are best left unsaid. A larger lady with close-cropped hair joins the queue behind us.

Son: “Mummy, look at that really fat man!”

Me: “Darling, that’s a lady, and you should be polite!”

Son: “So, she is really fat, just not a man?”

Me: “What would you do if someone said that to you?”

Son: “I would crash through the floor, and then through the earth, and then into the lava.”

Lady: *Having heard everything* “Then I’m taking you with me, sunshine! Better start running away now; keep you nice and slim!”

My son shrieked and laughed, and now remembers that exercise keeps you healthy. Thank you to the lady for being so understanding!

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That IS Honest

, , , , , | Related | June 25, 2020

My three-year-old has started to get very sneaky, and we’ve had to start double-checking with other adults to make sure he isn’t lying.

He goes upstairs to my mom’s room and asks for TV. He then shuts the bedroom door.

Three-Year-Old: “We need to shut this because Mommy’s on the phone and we don’t want to bother her.”

Grandma: “Okay… Am I going to get in trouble for letting you watch TV?”

Three-Year-Old: “No, I am.”

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Moving In And Shaking Things Up

, , , , , | Related | June 24, 2020

My dad has fallen on some hard financial times due to a variety of factors. I live nearby and help out where I can — replacing the leaking washing machine, picking up bills, helping with groceries/shopping, etc. — but he’s still struggling. We’re both people who strongly value their independence, so when he starts making comments about me moving back in and taking over his mortgage, we laugh it off at first.

But the comments keep coming. He starts giving me some variation of “If things don’t pick up, I’m probably going to have to have you move back in by [some arbitrary date always one or two months out].” He also either disregards or says he will, but never does, any of the advice I give him to make extra income, not even the ideas he comes up with himself.

After month upon month of him sprinkling “you’re probably going to have to move back in” into nearly every conversation, I’ve about had it, so I come up with a solution to find out once and for all how serious he is. The opportunity comes when I’m just getting ready to leave after visiting him.

Dad: “Bye! I’ll see you Monday. By the way, if I can’t pay the mortgage this month, I’m going to have to have you move back in.”

Me: “That’s fine. Then I want the house.”

Dad: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, if I need to move back in, I’m going to have to assume you can no longer take care of yourself and can’t afford to live alone any longer. So, if I’m paying for the house, this will become my house and my rules.”

Dad: “Is that so?”

Me: “Yes. Those are my terms. By the way, since it will probably come up if we’re living together again: I’m gay.”

Dad: “Oh.”

Me: “Anyway, think about it and get back to me. Love you. I’ll see you Monday.”

I guess the “tough love” approach worked, because he called me the next day to tell me that he agreed to surrender the house to me as a last resort, but he wasn’t giving up yet. Years later, he still has his house, and I’m working on buying my own home now in the same neighborhood. When we told my uncle about the purchase, my uncle asked why I wasn’t just moving back in with my dad and my dad responded, “We have an agreement.”

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