Funny stories about family

She Put What In Where?!

, , , , , | Related | February 24, 2021

Cooking and baking are hobbies of mine, and whenever I make something, my family is quick to eat it all. On this occasion, I make macaroni and cheese, but I use a bunch of tricks to improve the boxed stuff, such as heavily seasoning the pasta water and making the cheese sauce in a separate pot. My mother finds my alterations odd, but my younger brothers love it and I’ll gobble it up right alongside them.

Brother #1: “What are we gonna do when you go to college and can’t make this for us anymore?”

Mom: “It’s boxed mac and cheese. I make that for you all the time.”

Brother #1: “But it’s better when [My Name] makes it!”

Mom: “What am I, chopped liver?”

Brother #2: “You like tuna in mac and cheese! You don’t get to decide what’s good!”

She never did learn to salt her pasta water… or how to make all of us tuna-hating kids see the appeal of mixing tuna into mac and cheese.

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It’s Like The Reverse Hotel California

, , , , , | Related | February 24, 2021

England is in its third national lockdown. My mother and I are on the phone. We live about three hundred miles apart and, due to the restrictions and also the fact that my mother is at increased risk of serious illness, we have not seen each other for about ten months. During the emergency, my mother has been sending me little gifts of candy or books that I’ve wanted, and she wants to do something extra special for me for Valentine’s.

Mum: “So, I thought I could book you in at [Nice Local Hotel] for afternoon tea. How does that sound?”

Me: “Sure, when they’re open again.”

Mum: “Oh, are they closed?”

Me: “Mum, everywhere’s closed at the moment.”

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You’d Sleep Even Better With This Nice Pillow Over Your Face

, , , , , | Related | February 23, 2021

My mother-in-law is very self-centred. When my second daughter is an infant, [Mother-In-Law] comes to stay with us for a few days, ostensibly to help with the new baby. She barely lifts a finger, however; in fact, she makes MORE work for my husband and me.

One morning kind of takes the cake, though. The baby has been up all night crying, and I am absolutely exhausted. [Mother-In-Law] comes upstairs from her room for breakfast.

Mother-In-Law: “You look terrible, [My Name].”

Me: “I bet. [Daughter] was crying all night, and—”

Mother-In-Law: *Reassuringly* “Don’t worry. I didn’t hear a thing, and I slept just fine.”

Oh, phew, because THAT was my biggest concern!

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Definitely For The Best That He Doesn’t Live Alone

, , , | Related | February 22, 2021

My brother owns a house that he can’t live in due to health issues. There’s nothing wrong with the house; he just can’t live on his own, so he has moved in with our parents. He is not comfortable with renting the house out, fully intending on moving back one day, but on finding out that a cousin is moving to our area for a six-month contract, he offers the house to him to stay in.

We have other cousins who would take advantage of this sort of thing and would hound my brother mercilessly to provide them with the house, so this needs to be kept secret. Apart from my parents, uncle, and cousin, of course, I am the only other person told about the arrangement.

Brother: “[Cousin] moved into the house last week.”

Me: “That’s great. I might call around to say hello next week.”

Brother: “No, you can’t do that.”

Me: “Why not?”

Brother: “I don’t want anyone to know he’s there.”

Me: “Yeah, I know that. I’m not going to tell anyone.”

Brother: “I know you wouldn’t. I can trust you. But what if someone finds out?”

Me: “Who’s going to find out? [Cousin]? Who’s he going to tell? Himself? I think he already knows that he’s living there.”

Brother: *Confused* “What?”

I raise my eyebrows, waiting for it to click. When it does, he starts laughing.

Brother: “Oh, yeah, I forgot that.”

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Goose/Gander; Dog/Dad

, , , , | Related | February 22, 2021

Me: “The dogs thought they wanted my cup of xylitol. I was like, ‘No, this will literally kill you.’”

Dad: “Why were you eating xylitol?”

Me: “I use it for my tea.”

Dad: “Oookay… but why?”

Me: “My teeth don’t hate it. You know how with sugar, you can feel your teeth get angry? Xylitol doesn’t cause that.”

Dad: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “If you want to try it—”

Dad: “No, I read something about it being toxic to dogs, and I was like, well, if it’ll kill my dog, why do I want to eat it?”

Me: “Chocolate will also kill your dog. Should I stop buying you chocolate, then? Is that what you’re saying?”

Dad: “Wait, what? How dare you use my logic against me?!”

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