Funny stories about family

I’ll Show You Mine If You’ll Leave Me Alone

, , , , | Related | CREDIT: GalaxyCube101 | June 30, 2021

I have just finished watching a movie when my mom comes in and asks me when the last time I did laundry was. I looked at her.

Me: *Plainly* “Only about a week ago.”

I have a lot of clothes, so I don’t have to do laundry as often. She scoffs.

Mom: “What about your underwear? I’m sure you’ve been wearing the same pair for months!”

I try not to laugh and tell her that I change my underwear every day.

Mom: *Frowning* “Oh, sure. I know you don’t have thirty pairs of underwear.”

Me: “Actually, I do.”

Mom: *Shouting* “Then show me!”

I smile as she leaves, and I do exactly what she said. I get a small box, go into my closet and dresser, and begin collecting every pair of underwear I can.

After about fifteen minutes or so of gathering underwear, I walk out of my room to her and thrust the box in front of her.

Mom: *Demanding* “What is this?”

Me: “Thirty pairs of underwear, just like you asked.”

I smile at her. She gives me an icy glare and starts counting them out one by one.

Mom: “This is only twenty-nine!”

Me: “Oh, my bad.”

I smiled and dropped my pants, showing off a bright yellow pair of underwear.

She never bothered me about laundry after that.

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That Mother-In-Law Is A Special Brand

, , , , , | Related | June 28, 2021

My wife is one of the most independent, driven, and hardworking people I’ve ever met, to the point where we make in-jokes about her being the submissive housewife because the concept is absolutely ludicrous. 

Prior to meeting my wife, I started a company and have a stylized version of my initials as the company logo. My wife then started working at the company with me, and it became such a large part of our lives that she chose to get the company logo as a tattoo on the back of her neck.

My mother-in-law has become pretty disillusioned with marriage due to her own experiences and has been pretty derogatory and insulting to our union, mainly making comments along the lines of, “Once this marriage ends…” etc.

This story occurs at a beach, several years into our marriage. Because the tattoo is in a fairly hidden place and the relationship is strained, it’s the first time that my mother-in-law has noticed my wife’s tattoo.

Mother-In-Law: “WHAT THE F*** IS THAT?!”

Wife: “What’s what?”

Mother-In-Law: “On the back of your neck! Is that a tattoo?!”

Wife: “Oh, that! Yeah, I got it a few years ago.”

My mother-in-law then turns and addresses me, and I will admit I’m a smarta**.

Mother-In-Law: “DID YOU F****** BRAND HER?!” 

Me: “Well, that ring can come off; that tattoo never will.”

This sends her into a rage, with lots of yelling and swearing, and eventually, she storms off. I am talking with my wife after.

Me: “Honestly, I don’t get how she thought I made you get the tattoo. I’m pretty sure the last time anyone made you do anything, you were in diapers.”

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Dentists Are Expensive; Establish Good Habits Early!

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2021

My husband and I are going out for a date, so my in-laws are babysitting for us. When they get to our house I go over our two-year-old’s bedtime routine. I show them where we keep her toothbrush and flossers. 

Father-In-Law: “You brush her teeth? Why? She’s only two.”

Me: “Because she has teeth.”

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Love Is In Their DNA

, , , , , , | Related | June 24, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: Violence

Back in high school, my brother had a fling with a classmate of his. Nine months later, she showed up on his doorstep with a baby and claimed it was his. My brother didn’t even question it. He filled out the forms required for custody, signed the birth certificate and everything, and took the baby in as his daughter.

As you can imagine, EVERYONE wasn’t happy with my brother’s decision.

It was pretty obvious what happened. His classmate was rather promiscuous. Whoever was dating her at the time took one look at her baby and was like, “She’s not mine,” and walked out on her. So, she thought back on which guys she’d been with nine months before and chose the one who was most likely to take her baby off her hands before flouncing off.

My dad was especially pissed at my brother. He was adamant that the baby wasn’t his and that she should be adopted off. However, my brother stuck to his guns.

Brother: “She’s mine. End of story.”

I’m pretty sure he was in denial, but he didn’t slack off on parenting, no matter how harshly he was criticised by literally everyone else in his life. He also absolutely refused to have a DNA test performed.

Fast forward six years. My niece was the spitting image of her mother. By this point, the entire family had warmed up to her. My brother was married and had a baby boy now. His wife was the perfect stepmom. Life was happy…

…with one notable exception: my dad.

Dad, being the stubborn man he is, was still adamant that my niece wasn’t my brother’s and wanted to prove that.

So, one day, when he was on babysitting duty, he took my niece to a clinic, and they took her blood. They also took her cheek cells for good measure. Dad also submitted his own DNA and told my niece not to mention anything to [Brother].

Instead, [Niece] told her stepmom, and my sister-in-law told my brother… who promptly went ballistic.

[Brother] is never — and let me repeat this — NEVER angry. Frustrated, yes. Annoyed, quite frequently. But anger? Never. He’s the most mild-mannered guy I know.

So imagine the depths of his rage that he grabbed our father — a man twice his size — by the collar and slammed him against a wall. A screaming match ensued, and my brother gave Dad a black eye to hammer in this one point: [Niece] was his. End of story. No ifs, ands, or buts. My sister-in-law also got really weepy and promised my niece that she would always be her little girl, no matter what.

After the shouting match:

Dad: “You can’t fight blood. Wake up, son. She ain’t yours. Never will be.”

Brother: “F*** blood. [Niece] is my daughter because I say so. And I will go to the ends of the g**d*** universe for her if I have to.”

Dad: “You’ll see. Oh, you’ll see once that test comes in.”

Sometime later, my mom’s birthday arrived, and the whole family came to celebrate. Ever since the fight, my brother had avoided Dad like the plague, but he always had a soft spot for Mom, so he brought his whole family to the dinner party.

Once the food was finished, Dad suddenly pulled out two things: a birthday cake with “I f****** told you so” on it in frosting and a large envelope. He showed us the label on it. It was the DNA test.

Dad: “And now, for the moment of truth. Indisputable proof that [Niece]’s mother played the cuckoo on us.”

He opened the envelope and pulled out the results sheet. He then read it and rocked back in utter shock, desperately rereading it. Dad then collapsed onto his chair, looking like he had seen a ghost, and I took the test from him.

[Niece] was my brother’s.

I passed it to him and his wife and their faces lit up. My sister-in-law squealed and hugged her stepdaughter. My brother said nothing but turned the cake around so that the message on the frosting faced our father, instead. We all then hugged [Niece], laughing at how she really was blood.

My father was so shocked that he spent the rest of the evening catatonic. Once he got over it, he actually apologised and tried his best to make it up to my brother’s family, but it never really happened.


This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of June 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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Have A Heart — But Not That One!

, , , , , | Related | CREDIT: Leather-Shop8468 | June 22, 2021

I like to knit and crochet during the year, and then I give the scarves and hats that I make to my aunt’s church; they organise parties for really low-income families. These parties are filled with games and activities for the children. I love helping my aunt during this time, by giving my time and knitting stuff for those less fortunate.

My brother recently started dating this girl, and to be kind, and honest, I don’t like her. She has trouble understanding personal space, privacy of others, and boundaries. She will insist that you tell her all about private affairs that you don’t want to talk about and will make it her business. She has been constantly trying to get me to date her friends that I’m not interested in. At one point, she thought I was a lesbian because I didn’t like any of the guys that she wanted to set me up with.

When my aunt talked about the church’s plan to still offer help during Christmas despite the health crisis, I told her that I had a lots of scarves and hats to give at home. My aunt was delighted and asked me to bring them to her as soon as possible. I agreed. However, the day I wanted to bring them to her, I was called to come into the office to replace a colleague.

I asked my brother’s girlfriend if she could pick up the bag with the scarves and hats that was sitting at the top of my stairs, not in my living room!

I have a seven-year-old niece who wants to be a police officer like her dad when she grows up and loves the colour pink. The more sickly-sweet pink, the better. She’s a sweet kid who doesn’t ask for much. She asked me to make her a neon hot pink hat and scarf with a white heart. I agreed and had just finished them both and left them in a drawer in my living room. I was planning to wrap them up and give them to my sister later on.

This evening, I came home from work, exhausted. I noticed my brother’s girlfriend had come by and taken the bag. “Oh, great!” I thought. It reminded me of my niece’s gifts.

However, when I went to get them, they were gone. I checked everywhere for them, thinking I had misplaced them. Then, it hit me. Maybe I had put them with the donation bag by mistake. I immediately called my aunt, but she couldn’t find them. There was no neon hot pink scarf or hat with a white heart.

I called my brother’s girlfriend in a panic. She picked up and told me that she had seen the scarf and hat. Oh, thank God, right? Nope! Turns out that my brother’s girlfriend had decided that I hadn’t given enough for charity, so she decided to snoop around my house to find some more. She took four other scarves and hats that were for other people and my niece’s gift. She also decided to rearrange my drawers because they were not clean and organised.

I put my anger on the back burner for a while, because my niece’s gift was more important for now. When I asked my brother’s girlfriend what had happened to it, she responded that she had taken it and given it to her niece because her sister was in need. To say that I was offended and pissed is like saying that fire burns.

I proceed to lose my s*** at her. How dare she? She goes through my stuff, takes my belongings, gives away my gift for my niece, and then she has the gall to give me a lecture on how I should be happy that I helped a spoiled brat who has two parents making seven figures a year? I told her that if the scarf and hat weren’t in my possession by tomorrow night, I was going to sue the s*** out of her. She scoffed and hung up. I called everyone in my family, including my brother.

Twenty minutes ago, my brother’s girlfriend brought me the scarf and hat back and apologised. She was in tears and begged me not to involve my brother-in-law, a cop. My brother-in-law — bless his heart — had swung by her house and threatened to have her arrested for thievery.

I just took my stuff back, thanked her for doing the “right” thing, and closed the door on her. I was so angry at her that I was numb inside.

My niece will have her gift, my aunt has the knitted stuff I made for her church, and my brother is now single. What a day!


This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of June 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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