Make Up For It On Black Pie-Day  

, , , , , , | Related | November 28, 2019

My grandparents have owned a shop in a small tourist town on the Texas coast for 28 years, two years longer than I’ve been alive.

While the shop has a gift shop portion, our main attraction is our homemade fudge, brittle, divinity, pralines, canned goods, and other sweets. We also offer cakes, pies, and breads by special order. My grandma makes all the candies, while my grandpa bakes all the cakes and things. 

As you can imagine, we’re slammed the week leading up to Thanksgiving. My grandparents spend days baking and making candy while my mom and I work at the shop to give them the time they need to make the special orders. 

Thanksgiving rolls around, and everyone shows up for Thanksgiving at my grandparents’ house. This year, it’s my grandparents, me, my daughter, my dad and stepmom, my mom, and one of my uncles. Everything is going great, and the food is as amazing as ever. But then we get to dessert… 

My grandparents were so busy baking and making candy for everyone else, they both thought the other had made pies. They had even asked each other what they had made, and both answered orders for someone else, not paying attention to what the other was saying.

At least the rest of dinner was amazing!

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My Family Has Ghosted Me

, , , , , , | Related | November 27, 2019

My family frequently goes skiing in the winter. We typically end up staying at a nearby hotel for one night per trip.

One weekend, I have to share a fold-out bed with one of my younger brothers, who is taller than me and quite lanky. I’m awake long after everyone else is asleep, being an insomniac. My brother sprawls out and I don’t want to touch him, so I’m basically clutching the side of the bed for dear life to keep from falling off.

Eventually, I get fed up with the awkward position and move to the floor, which at least has more room. Once I attempt to lay down, I realize that there is a freezing draft down there and remember seeing an extra blanket in the closet on the other side of the hotel room.

I wrap myself up in the white hotel blanket and slowly shuffle across the room, not wanting to trip or fall because I’m tired and walking in the dark without my glasses. While I’m making my slow trek across the room, my mother wakes up.

She told me the next morning that when she saw a shuffling figure all dressed in white and thought that she’d seen a ghost! I told her that no, it was me trying to get another blanket because my brother was being a bed hog. We had a good laugh about it.

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Divorced From Reality, Married To Gossip

, , , , | Related | November 27, 2019

(One of my sons is divorced, another one married. Whilst shopping, I run into a neighbour. After some small talk, I get this gem:)

Elderly Neighbour: “I’m so sorry that [Married Son] got divorced, too.”

Me: “Excuse me? I saw both [Married Son] and [Daughter-In-Law] yesterday and they are still happily married, devoted to their daughter.”

Elderly Neighbour: But, but he is seen with this blonde woman all over the neighbourhood.”

(It was then that I realized that my daughter-in-law had recently lost a lot of weight — as my son put it: she’s only half the woman he married — and had her hairstyle changed — badly, I might add — and had changed from dark to blonde. We had a good laugh about it when I told my son he should me tell me when something important happens in his life.)

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Starting A Flame War Below The Belt

, , , , , | Related | November 27, 2019

(It’s the day of a major American holiday and my sister and mother are spending the day cooking that evening’s dinner. With limited counter space, four full burners, and a massive bird in the oven, things get messy and a little smokey. As the afternoon progresses, we assume the smoke is just from all the cooking until my sister opens the utility room door and a cloud of smoke billows out. The culprit is a pile of laundry which has been quietly smoldering. My sister had tossed a rag she used to wipe up some grease on top of the pile earlier, not noticing that one of the corners had caught fire on the burner. The laundry is hastily evacuated outside, doused with water, and stomped on for good measure. It’s as we’re looking to see if there’s anything left to put out that my sister spots something else.)

Sister: “Hah, I found what started the fire!”

(My sister lifts up a blackened elastic band. All of the cloth has burnt away but I recognize the band as belonging to a pair of my underwear.)

Mom: “[My Name], what have you been eating?!”

(My family has never let me live down the day I nearly burnt the house down with a pair of dirty undies.)

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Wacky For The Wachowski

, , , , , | Related | November 26, 2019

The Matrix came out when my brother and I were children, and my family loved it. Even though it was violent, even my conservative mother approved, so we watched it constantly. One day, my brother and I were watching TV by ourselves when Bound came on. We didn’t really get the plot, and this was a heavily edited, made-for-TV version, but we were entranced by the cinematography. 

Later, on our bi-monthly Blockbuster run, we begged my mom to rent Bound, telling her it was just like The Matrix and that she would love it. We had to really wear her down to convince her, but finally, she relented.

We sat down as a family together and… Wow, we didn’t remember these scenes in the version we’d watched. My mom turned it off very quickly and yelled at my brother for exposing me to it, assuming I hadn’t watched it on TV at all and was just parroting him. Neither of us could convince her otherwise. My brother was grounded for a week.

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