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Funny stories about family

Comedic Hyperbole Isn’t My Cup Of Tea

, , , , | Related | April 25, 2022

While visiting my grandad’s side of the family, I’m voluntold to make tea for everyone. My aunt offered first, but my dad told her I was going to make it. I check who wants drinks and go to make them.

As I go to put sugar in the cups, I realise I’ve never made tea for my grandad’s wife before, so back I go to the living room to ask. I run into my dad on the way there.

Dad: “Where are you going?”

Me: “I forgot to ask [Grandad’s Wife] how much sugar she wants.”

Dad: “She has sixteen sugars.”

Me: “Sixteen? That’s a lot of sugar.”

Dad: “Yep. Oh, and she doesn’t have her tea stirred.”

I make her tea according to my dad’s specifications and bring them all through.

Grandad’s Wife: “Oh, this doesn’t taste right.”

Me: “Did I do it wrong? I tried not to stir it, but I had to use the spoon to take the teabag out. Did that stir it too much?”

Grandad’s Wife: “You didn’t stir it? Why not?”

Me: “Because Daddy said not to stir your tea?”

Grandad’s Wife: “What? That’s not—”

Dad: “Did you actually not stir it?”

Me: “But I thought you told me not to?”

Dad: “How much sugar did you put in it?”

Me: “Sixteen.”

Grandad’s Wife: “Sixteen?”

Me: “You said [Grandad’s Wife] wanted sixteen sugars in her tea.”

Aunt: “[Dad]!”

Dad: “I wasn’t expecting her to actually do it! No one has sixteen sugars in their tea, [My Name].”

Me: *Very confused* “But you said—”

Dad: “I can’t believe you actually put sixteen sugars in [Grandad’s Wife]’s tea.”

I asked my grandad’s wife what she actually wanted in her tea and remade it for her. 

I dunno why I even believed him in the first place. Maybe it had something to do with me being an autistic fourteen-year-old who trusted that her dad wouldn’t lie to her and had always taken his instructions literally? No, couldn’t be. (Heavy sarcasm.)

In-Laws Can Be Exhausting

, , , , , , , | Related | April 24, 2022

My mother-in-law can be a sweet person but honestly seems to believe the world revolves around her and what she wants. One Friday night, ten days or so before Christmas — the busiest time of the year at my job — she calls me. She wants me to take her to the grocery store tomorrow.

I’m not sure why; she can still drive, and she went to the grocery store this morning with her best friend. I tell her I am in a time crunch and that my daughter and I have plans to finish our Christmas shopping and get some other things done before the holiday.

She starts whining about how it won’t take long; she will be ready right at 10:00 tomorrow morning and get it all done right away.

I should know better by this time in my marriage, but I agree. I forgot that no good deed goes unpunished.

The next morning, my daughter and I show up at 10:00 am, hoping to get done and still salvage part of the day. We go in and [Mother-In-Law] is sitting in her living room in her bathrobe with her hair up in curlers, watching TV.

Me: “Did I get the time wrong? I thought you said you’d be ready by ten.”

Mother-In-Law: “Guess I lost track of time.”

She continues to sit there.

Me: “Well, why don’t we come back later when you’re ready? We have a lot we’d like to get done today.”

She sighs.

Mother-In-Law: “Well, I guess I can hurry up and get ready.”

She proceeds to spend the next hour getting ready, complaining the whole time that now she’ll have to redo her hair for church the next day.

Finally, she’s ready.

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, now we have to go eat. I haven’t had breakfast yet. Can’t shop on an empty stomach, can we?”

So, now we have to go to her favorite diner. It’s a nice enough place but slower than pulling taffy. An hour and a half later, we’re finally ready to leave the restaurant. For all it’s her favorite place, she sent everything back often enough.

We get in my car and she tells me she has to go to the ATM. There is an ATM for her bank right there in the parking lot of the shopping center we’re in. I start to pull up to it when she says she can’t use that machine. I ask why.

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, it’s too dangerous to use that one. Someone might try to get in the car. I have to use the one in [City].”

This one is a pull-through. And [City] is halfway across the county.

The bank with the ATM [Mother-In-Law] wants to use is closed on Saturday, and the ATM is in the now back empty parking lot that backs up to a wooded area. To use the ATM, I would have to park, and she would have to walk across the deserted lot and stand at the machine to use it.

Aside from the fact that I don’t want to add another forty-five minutes or so to an already too-long errand, I decline.

I pull into the little glass shelter of the ATM and open the window to use the machine. She is nearly hysterical, going on and on about how someone could easily get into the car and how I am putting my daughter in danger.

Me: “[Mother-In-Law], the doors are locked and the windows are up. There’s barely room for my arm to reach the ATM, let alone for a person to squeeze between the car and the machine. It’s a busy place and there’s a long line of cars behind us. Do you still want to use the ATM, or do you just want to go on to the grocery?”

Mother-In-Law: *Sulkily* “Oh, just the machine.”

She gives me her card and I ask her how much she wants. She wants $100. I put in her password.

Mother-In-Law: “How do you know my password?!”

Me: “Simple. You use your birthday for all your passwords.”

I give her back her card and her money.

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, it gave me two fifties! I wanted five twenties.”

Me: “Don’t worry; the grocery store can take care of that.”

We pull away from the shelter, safe and sound — imagine that! — and drive to the grocery store. We walk in. The first thing [Mother-In-Law] does is walk up to the nearest cashier, who is checking out a long line of customers. Remember that this is mid-December, on a busy Saturday just before Christmas. In a very loud voice — she is partially deaf in one ear — this person who’s so concerned with safety practically yells at this poor cashier.

Mother-In-Law: “I just came from the ATM and all I have are $50s! Can you break a $50?”

The cashier looks at her like she has two heads, looks at the long line of customers at every register, and replies, somehow without any sarcasm.

Cashier: “Yes, ma’am, I’m sure we can.”

As we walk away, I say to [Mother-In-Law], with more than a little snark:

Me: “You should have yelled a little louder; there are probably folks back by the deli who didn’t hear you announce that you had fifties.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, do you think that was a bad idea? I never thought about that.”

We got what she insisted she had to have right then, waited in a long line to pay, and left. I made her and my daughter wait in the store so I could get them in the car as fast as possible, since I had no idea who might have overheard her.

It was now after 3:00 pm, more than five hours after her promised “just a quick errand” to the store. And what was so important that she had to get it then and there? One frozen turkey breast, which she didn’t cook until her friend’s birthday… in February.

But I learned to grow a spine and say no once in a while. Lesson learned.

Pyramid Scheming

, , , | Related Right | April 22, 2022

My mother-in-law is her own “boss” at one of those triangular-shaped companies. She has tried for years to get my husband and me to enroll. Every time we say no, she comes back with a new reason why we should change our minds.

I go out to get the mail one day and see a package on our porch. It is from [Company] in my name. I think about calling my mother-in-law to find out what is happening, but my husband suggests we call [Company] directly.

Customer Service: “Hi, thanks for calling [Company]. Can I get your name for today’s conversation?”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name].”

Customer Service: “Hello, [My Name]! I see you are a new member. Welcome! How can I help you?”

Me: “Um, yeah, actually… I never enrolled.”

Customer Service: “Oh, well, that’s odd. Let’s take a look here. Can you provide your address on file?”

Me: “[Address].”

Customer Service: “Okay, it looks like you enrolled on [date] under [Mother-In-Law].”

Me: “Yeah, sorry, we didn’t. I have actually said no several times.”

Customer Service: “Oh. Well… I’m not sure how this happened, then.”

Me: “I’m guessing [Mother-In-Law] enrolled me. I’d like to cancel.”

Customer Service: “Oh, are you sure? We have lots of great offers coming up for the holidays.”

Me: “I’m sure. Thank you.”

Customer Service: “Okay, well, we’re sorry to see you go. Let me get you connected with the cancellation team.”

While I’m on hold, my husband’s phone rings. It’s his mother.

Husband: “Hello?”

Mother-In-Law: “Why did I just get an email saying you’re cancelling your account?”

Husband: “Why did you sign us up without our consent?”

Mother-In-Law: “You need it!”

Me: “No.”

My phone picks up.

Cancellation: “Hi there, you’ve reached the cancellation department. If you’re sure you want to cancel, I can help you with that.”

Mother-In-Law: “No! Do not cancel! It’s a mistake!”

Cancellation: “Uh… I’m sorry, I don’t understand. You do want to cancel, or you don’t?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mother-In-Law: “No!”

Me: *To my husband* “Hang up.”

He hangs up without saying goodbye.

Cancellation: “Are we… okay?”

Me: “Yes, it’s fine. My mother-in-law signed us up without our consent.”

Cancellation: “Oh! So… Let me see how to do this. I’m guessing all the security questions are about her, not you.”

Husband: “I can guess at them.”

Cancellation: “Oh, okay, sure. Let’s try that.”

The entire time we are talking to cancellations, his mother is texting that we cannot cancel, it’s a mistake, etc. My husband gets all the security questions right without hesitation.

Cancellation: “Okay, I can finalize your cancellation here. I’m so sorry this happened.”

Husband: “Thank you for working with us.”

Cancellation: “You’re all set. Have a great day, guys.”

For the next week, we are hounded with calls and messages from [Mother-In-Law], alternating between begging us to change our minds and berating us for stealing food from her mouth and being selfish. Then, one quiet afternoon, [Mother-In-Law] barges into our house.

Mother-In-Law: “I hope you’re happy, [My Name]!”

Me: “I was.”

Mother-In-Law: “[Company] cancelled my business because of you!”

Husband: *Gently* “You need to go.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, no, this is her fault. I am going to sue you for emotional damage and financial impact!”

Me: *Shrugs* “Okay.”

She clearly expected a different reaction.

Mother-In-Law: “And…and you will pay!”

Me: “Since you’ve threatened legal action, any further contact can go through our lawyers.”

Mother-In-Law: “But—”

Husband: “Mom, just go.”

He reached out to usher her out the door, not touching her. She backed out the door, stumbled at the step, but recovered without falling. I closed and locked the door before she could do anything else. She did try to sue us, but when we countered with her identity theft, she backed down. We are currently in no contact and quite happy about it.

Knowing No Peace With Her For A Niece

, , , , , | Related | April 22, 2022

Because of the large age difference between me and my brother, my niece is significantly older than my own son. While normally having a default babysitter is a blessing, it would be better if she didn’t remember my own behaviour as a young twenty-something and wasn’t egged on by her dad seeking revenge for when I was her babysitter.

When my son was a toddler, he had an intolerance for dairy, and therefore wasn’t allowed ice cream. She got him sherbet.

When my son was struggling with his reading, I said he wasn’t allowed to watch Pokémon until he read at least two books on weekends. She got him the Pokémon novel set.

When there was a heatwave, I said my son wasn’t allowed to play outside because he’d already gotten heatstroke twice. She took him to the ice skate rink.

When I had to take back my promise to take them both to the movies because I was stuck working multiple shifts in a row, she took him to watch the latest Marvel movie without me. (And then they both spoiled the whole thing for me.)

When I tried to block naughty websites, my son worked out how to bypass my nanny filter. She blocked the sites for both of us.

I grounded my son because he wasn’t participating in English class. She showed him how to find the “inappropriate” jokes in Shakespeare’s plays. Now he participates too much.

My son is now nearly an adult. He is considering becoming a lawyer. It’s her fault, I’m sure.

Seven-Foot Frame, Rats Along His Back… Wait…

, , , , , , | Related | April 20, 2022

My parents are given, as something of a joke, a life-size cardboard cutout of a certain former President of the United States. After having it in the living room for a couple of weeks and thoroughly amusing everyone who sees it, they put it in their basement, where I at least forget about it entirely.

A year or so later, my best friend and I go to the hardware store and pick up salt tablets for my parents’ water softener. We bring them into the garage, which has a secondary entrance to the basement, and I go to open the door and turn on the light. I promptly scream and run out again.

A moment later, my stepfather — whose home office is adjacent to the garage — bursts through his door looking alarmed.

Stepdad: “Are you all right?!”

Me: *Embarrassed* “Yeah…”

Stepdad: “What happened?”

Me: “We got the tablets for your water softener. I went to open the basement door and Donald Trump scared me.”

He cracked up laughing and went back to work. Apparently, the same thing happens every time they have someone come and work on their heating system.