Customer: “Why was my return denied?”

Me: “Ma’am, the system is showing us that you have recently made a lot of returns without a receipt. When this happens, corporate flags your ID and you can’t make any non-receipt returns for a while. It’s to prevent theft.”

Customer: “I’m not stealing. In fact, I have a lot of money. My boyfriend is a street pharmacist and he has a lot of money.”

Me: “A what, ma’am?”

Customer: “A street pharmacist! He sells dope.”

Me: “That is more information than I want to know, ma’am. You have a good day.”

This story is part of our Yet-More-Customers-Sharing-TMI-themed roundup!

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(The customer has two daughters, each with their own set of clothes for their toys.)

Customer: *to one daughter* “Since your shoes match her purse, you girls can share the two between you.”

Me: *to the same daughter* “Oh, what a good idea! Do you always share with your sister?”

Daughter: “Yeah, Mom says, ‘Sharing is caring.'”

Me: *to the customer* “Ma’am, your total is [price]. Would you like to donate a dollar to our charity?”

Customer: “No, thanks, I’ve spent enough of my money today!”

This story is part of our Customers Who Dislike Charity roundup!

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Customer: “So the next convention in Sydney is THIS Thursday?”

Me: “Yes, sir. Would you like me to register you?”

Customer: “Ah, well, Thursday isn’t really going to work for me. Could you move the convention to Friday instead?”

Me: “I’m afraid that we have already booked the venue and the speakers and planned everything for Thursday. It’s a little late to consider changing the date, especially since we have around 70 people booked for this particular seminar.”

Customer: “So… no chance at all, then?”

This story is part of our Outrageous Requests roundup!

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Me: “Welcome to [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My Internet is broken. This is so ridiculous! This happened two weeks ago. Your company is to blame and I am not happy!”

(The customer supplies their account details.)

Me: “Okay, so I’ve just run a quick test on your connection here and I can see that it is logged in. You say that you just cannot get any connection on your computer?”

Customer: “Yes! I’m getting ‘No Signal’. This is so ridiculous!”

(I go through roughly twenty minutes of troubleshooting, with the customer getting more and more angry the whole time.)

Customer: “It’s broken and it’s all your fault! It keeps saying ‘Check Signal Cable’ and it won’t go away!”

Me: “It says ‘Check Signal Cable’?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s what I said!”

Me: “Is your computer plugged into your monitor?”

Customer: “Of course it… Oh…” *click*

This story is part of our Terrible Tech Support Calls roundup!

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(I’m making calls to let people know that the movies they reserved are in.)

Me: “Hi there, this is [My Name] from [Store]. I’m just calling to let you know the movie you reserved is now in if you’d like to come pick it up.”

Customer: “Oh, for Pete’s sake. These stupid f****** recordings! I can’t believe even friggin’ [Store] has them now. You hear that, you stupid f****** robot? YOU F****** PIECE OF ROBOT S***!”

Me: “Um… sir? I am an actual person.”

Customer: *hangs up*