(I am standing in the menswear section and can’t find what I’m looking for. An employee walks through.)
Me: “Can I ask you a question?”
Employee: “Sure.”
Me: “Do you sell French cuff shirts?”
Employee: “The kind that buttons up the front?”
Me: “Yes, but the ones you use cufflinks with.”
Employee: “You mean the shiny things?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Employee: “Nope, haven’t seen any!”
(I work at a spa with a lot of elderly regulars. There is a rumor that some are Freemasons. A conversation with a coworker about Freemasons turns into this.)
Coworker: “Remember that video we saw last time, the one with the news anchors blinking out lizard eyes and stuff?”
Me: “Yeah, I remember that. It’s pretty dumb. I mean, lizard people from space trying to infiltrate and take over our planet? Come on!”
Coworker: “I know, right? It’s totally demons.”
Me: “…What?”
Coworker: “Yeah, demons! You know, like when you get high enough in the Freemason ranks you get possessed by demons. I think some of the guys here may be one of them!”
(I was sitting at a bar and overheard the bartender talking to another coworker.)
Bartender: “Man, I’m starving. I need to go feed my feces!”
Coworker: “Your feces?”
Bartender: “Yeah, my feces!” *points to stomach*
Coworker: “You mean fetus?”
Bartender: *looks confused*
Coworker: “Fetus is your baby. Feces is your s***.”
Bartender: *completely confused*
(I am in my car, ordering at the drive-thru speaker. The employee waiting on me seems to be in training.)
Me: “Number 11 with a Coke, please.”
Employee: “Okay… uh… 11. Coke… Is that for here or to go?”
Me: “I’m… in my car?”
Employee: “Oh. Drive up to the next window, please.”
Coworker: “How do I print from this program?”
Me: “Ctrl-P.”
Coworker: “What? I do what?”
Me: “Press Ctrl-P.”
Coworker: “Where is that?”
Me: “Look at the bottom left-hand corner of your keyboard. Press Ctrl. Then press P.”
Coworker: “I’m looking. I can’t see a Ctrl-P button.”
Me: “No. It’s two buttons. Ctrl and P.”
Coworker: “Where’s P?!”
