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We’ll Stretch Your Muscles And Offend You At The Same Time

, , , , | Right | April 8, 2020

(My brother-in-law has always been a few playing cards short of a full checkerboard, but this one is a real stumper. I am visiting him after he has been out raking leaves most of the day. He is complaining about having sore muscles. I suggest a therapeutic massage. He isn’t so sure about that, stating that he is happily married and doesn’t need “that.” I convince him that a therapeutic massage is not “that” kind of massage, look up some close ones on my phone, and suggest he call for an appointment. He is a little hard of hearing so he always uses the speakerphone option, so I hear the whole conversation.)

Employee: “Hello, this is [Massage Business]. May I help you?”

Brother-In-Law: “Yeah, I got some sore muscles and I was told you folks can help out with that?”

Employee: “Certainly, sir. Are you a returning patient, or a new patient?”

Brother-In-Law: “Oh, I ain’t never been in one of your kind of places before, but I was told you would make my sore muscles feel better, so I guess I should make an appointment with one of your massagenists.”

Employee: *pause* “Uh, sir, our practitioners are referred to as massage therapists; would you like to make an appointment?”

Me: *stifling my laugh, having to leave the room*

(My brother-in-law did make an appointment, which did make him feel much better; however, I doubt that it was with a misogynist as he requested.)

This story is part of the Massage roundup!

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Not Handling This Well

, , , , , | Right | April 3, 2020

I am a massage therapist at a hotel spa on the beach. Yesterday, I had a client who was scheduled for an eighty-minute Swedish massage. That is almost an hour and a half of being in an enclosed, private room with me essentially rubbing over 80% of a client’s body with my hands. 

With the viral situation, our numbers have obviously dropped as people aren’t traveling as much and are scared. Unfortunately for me, that means that this lady is my first and only client of the day.

At her scheduled appointment time, I walk up to her and greet her while holding my hand out to shake hers. She immediately held her hands close to her body.

 Client: “I don’t shake hand!”

 Me: “O…kay.”

 I brush it off, and continue.

 Me: “Have you chosen a scent for your massage?”

 She then picks up each one of our six scent testers, with her hands, and brings them right up to her nose where she breathes in and out… like every other person who had ever been in our spa.

When I finally get her back to the room and on the table, I ask at the beginning of the massage:

 Me: “Would you like your hands avoided?”

 Client: “No. Just don’t touch my face.”

So you won’t shake my hand, but you’re comfortable with me putting my hands all over you and breathing on you?

Massaging The Truth To Make Them Happy

, , , , | Right | January 13, 2020

(I’m new at this massage clinic. A regular comes in and informs me that she has chronic lower back pain. I proceed to work on her, and after our time is up, she approaches the receptionist, aka my boss.)

Boss: “How was your treatment?”

Patient: “It was all wrong. I don’t know what he was doing, but this was no massage.”

Boss: “I’m sorry to hear that, but you see, different masseurs have different techniques and…”

Me: “How’s your back pain, ma’am?”

Patient: “Well, it’s gone, but again, this was no proper massage! I’ve been coming here twice a month for years, and I’ve never received this kind of… whatever it was! Every other masseur has done it properly!”

Me: “And was the pain gone after any of those previous treatments?”

Patient: “No, but what does that have to do with it? This was not a proper massage!”

(The boss and I exchanged meaningful glances.)

This story is part of the Massage roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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A Request That Raises Eyebrows

, , , , | Right | January 7, 2020

Customer: “Hi, can I see Ken for brows?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Can I see Ken for brows?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have a Ken.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Sorry, perhaps I misheard you.”


Me: “I got that, but who did you want to see?”

Customer: “I don’t care.”

Me: “Sorry, I thought you said you wanted to see Ken.”


Me: *laughs* “Oops, my apologies.”

Customer: “You know what? It’s fine.” *walks out*

(I’m 99.9% sure she just got harshly dumped by a man named Ken.)

This story is part of our Wordplay roundup!

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Massaging Your Bank Account

, , | Right | December 18, 2019

(I am a massage therapist talking to a client after his massage.)

Me: “How are you feeling? Are your shoulders a little less tense?”

Client: *with no joking tone in his voice* “That was great! You should get paid to do that!”

Me: “Ha ha, thanks. When you are ready to check out, you can pay up front.”

Client: *looks a little embarrassed*