Trying To Massage The Truth With That Gift Card  

, , | Right | November 28, 2019

(I work at a massage clinic that is fairly well-known in our area. There are similar competitors in the area. We all offer massages and a few of us offer facials. Those are the only services available. Occasionally, someone will call us when they mean to call a different clinic. They also try to use gift cards with the other business’s names on them.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to confirm an appointment I made for eleven o’clock today.”

Me: “Okay, what’s your name?”

(The caller gives their name. Her name is not on the schedule. Before letting her know this, I search our national database to see if she has an appointment at another location.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see you in our system. Did you book an appointment at our other location?”

Caller: “I just called them! They don’t have me down! I have a gift card!”

Me: “I’m very sorry for any confusion. We don’t have an appointment for you, and you’re not in our system. Can I book you an appointment for another day?”

Caller: “I booked a hair appointment with you at eleven!”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have hair stylists. We only offer massages and facials.”

Caller: “I have a gift card!”

Me: “I don’t think your gift card is for us. We don’t offer haircuts.”

Caller: “What about your other locations? Do they have hair stylists? I have a gift card!”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We all offer only massages and facials.”

Caller: “I made a hair appointment! I have a gift card!”

Me: “I’m not sure how to help you.”

Caller: *click*

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Don’t You Have Any Spare Therapists At The Back?  

, , , | Right | November 28, 2019

(We have this conversation with massage clients wanting to book appointments on a regular basis, especially on the weekends.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to book an appointment today.”

Me: “I have a twelve o’clock appointment for a one-hour massage. Otherwise, we are completely booked for the day. Would that work?”

Caller: “Do you have anything in the evening around four or five? I’m looking for something for two people.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We only have one hour available at twelve o’clock. Our next two appointments together wouldn’t be until next week. Would you be interested in something then?”

Caller: “So, you don’t have anything this evening?”

(What I would like to say: “Ding Ding Ding! Checking with me three times on our availability for this evening has unlocked our super-secret, special appointment-booking bonus level! I will now retrieve two of our best therapists kept in a secret closet saved especially for your last-minute call. Your persistence is commendable! We look forward to seeing you soon!”)

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Massaging The Wait Time

, , , | Friendly | October 11, 2019

(I’m a non-confrontational person; when I witness any incident, I tend to shy away and pretend not to look at it by switching my view to my phone. Today my body is so tensed up and I really can’t wait to get a massage treatment. I enter the spa and there’s a line to the counter. There’s only one line for BOTH registration and payment. As I am reaching the counter, the couple in front of me starts arguing with the cashier regarding the payment. Normally, I’d just keep silent and wait while playing a game on my phone no matter how long it takes. However, my body is aching and I’m so upset that I have to wait longer when it is almost my turn. So, I say in a louder than normal voice.)

Me: “UGH! THIS TAKES TOO LONG!”

(The wife turns to me and I instantly think:)

Me: *thinking* “Oh, my God! I just initiated a confrontation!”

(So, I immediately say:)

Me: “What? It’s my game! It takes too loooong to load this game on my phone!”

(Thankfully, she didn’t confront me or do anything, just turned back and swore something under her breath. But immediately afterward, the couple decided not to pursue the matter much longer and just left while the husband kept swearing. I was glad that, FINALLY, I could reach the counter, register my name on it, and get my massage. And it felt so wonderfully nice.)

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Not A Happy Ending For This Guy

, , , , | Right | September 9, 2019

(I work for several years as the office manager of an upscale spa. Like many places that offer massage, we occasionally get phone calls from people asking — whether as a “joke” or seriously — if we provide “happy endings.” Normally, it is a matter of setting the caller straight and hanging up. Being a spa in an upscale neighborhood, we’ve never had anyone actually walk in off the street and ask that question. One afternoon, I’m in my office doing paperwork. With the door open, I can clearly hear the receptionist checking guests in and out.) 

Receptionist: “Hello, sir! I can get you checked out here. I hope you enjoyed your appointment with us today!”

Customer: *grumbles* “Not really.”

Receptionist: “Oh? I apologize if your experience wasn’t up to our standards; was there something we could have done differently?”

Customer: *mumbles something I can’t make out*

Receptionist: “I’m sorry? What was that?”

Customer: *suddenly louder and sounding very indignant* “Why didn’t she massage my d**k?!”

Receptionist: *stunned silence*

(I’m already halfway out of my seat, ready to go back her up if needed, when she recovers.)

Receptionist: “BECAUSE THAT’S ILLEGAL!”

(I walk into the lobby in time to see a red-faced, middle-aged man practically throw a handful of cash at her to pay for the massage and run out of the spa.) 

Me: “Wow.”

Receptionist: “I’m so sorry I yelled, [My Name]! He just caught me off guard.”

Me: “It’s all right, as long as you’re okay. Did he actually give you enough for the massage before he panicked and ran away?”

Receptionist: *counts the cash* “Yep, and look at that, he generously included a $40 tip for his therapist!”

(We added the $40 to his therapist’s tips for the day and made a note about the guy’s behavior in his file. He never came back.)

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This Is Neck-Breaking Work

, , , , | Right | September 6, 2019

(I am lying on a massage table at a new luxury full-service spa. I had a few glasses of wine while relaxing in the lounge area.) 

Masseuse: *manipulating neck* “How is that feeling?”

Me: *sighs* “Great!”

(A few minutes of quiet follows.)

Me: “Do you ever think to yourself, ‘I could totally snap this person’s neck and they would never see it coming.’?”

Masseuse: *awkward pause* “No.”

(Awkward silence.)

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