(In my first semester of college, I have an eight am class clear on the other side of campus. I am not once on time. One particularly bad morning I am walking to class, for my eight am midterm, at around 8:35. I stop in at my usual coffee spot on the way with my usual elderly coffee lady.)

Me: *apparently speaking in what I assume is poor German for no apparent reason other than fatigue* “Ich möchte eine tasse kaffe, bitte.” *German for: I would like a cup of coffee, please*

Coffee Lady: “Eine große oder kleine?” *German for: Large or small?*

Me: *very much confused* “Did I ask for coffee in German?”

Coffee Lady: “Yes.”

Me: “Oh. Uh, große, bitte.” *German: A large cup, please*

Coffee Lady: “Coffee’s on me. You’re going to miss your test.”

(I run to class. As it turns out she is from Germany and was just as surprised as I was that I ordered in German! After my midterm, I came back and chatted with her and we have been friends ever since! And she’s bought more than a few cups of joe for me!)

This story is part of our Making Friends roundup!

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(My friend is a small-mammal handler at a zoo. Today, she’s taken a particularly docile ferret out to let visitors encounter it first-hand. A couple comes in with a young child. I’m standing in the background.)

Mother: “Ooh, look, the zoo lady’s got a baby raccoon!”

Father: “That’s some sort of weasel!”

Child: “Mom, I wanna see the octopus.”

Mother: “Let’s go see the nice lady with the raccoon.”

Father: “Weasel.”

(The mother gives the father a look and then approaches my friend.)

Mother: “‘Excuse me, miss, what kind of animal is that?”

Friend: “This is a ferret. Her name is [Name] and she’s very friendly. You can pet her if you take care to avoid—”

Father: “Parrot?! That’s a weasel!”

Friend: “It’s a ferret. They’re in the weasel family, like—”

Father: “You sure?”

Friend: “Yes, very sure. Ferrets are among—”

Father: “Let’s go see the octopus, [Child].”

(They leave in a hurry. Curious, I follow them outside.)

Father: “D*** thing must have been sick. Pretty irresponsible of them to expose us to a sick parrot.”

Child: “Ferret.”

Father: “We just saw the parrot. I thought you wanted to see the octopus.”

Child: “Daddy, is your hearing aid on?”

(This happens on a class trip to Spain after a girl realizes she left her comb at home.)

Girl: *walks up to front desk* “Do you have any combs?”

Employee: “No hablo Ingles.”

Girl: *in Spanish* “Necesito un pene, por favor.”

Employee: *laughs hysterically*

Girl: *angry* “Hey! Necesito un pene!” *pantomimes brushing hair*

Employee: *realizes what’s going on, takes out comb, and hands it to girl*

Girl: “Sí!”

Employee: “Ese es ‘un peine.'” *That’s ‘un peine.’* “Un pene es…” *points to his privates*

Girl: “Oh. S***!”

This story is part of our Spain-themed roundup!

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(I am eating lunch with my grandparents. They are in their late 80s and my grandfather is nearly deaf. He is sharing about the time he spent at Cornell University.)

Me: “I know someone who used to work at Cornell.”

Grandfather: “Really? What did he do?”

Me: “He’s a chemist.”

Grandfather: “He does table tennis!?”

Me: “No, he’s a chemist!”

Grandfather: “Okay… What does Dennis do?”

(My choir has a concert on the weekend and our conductor is telling us the details of it, such as when and where to arrive, what uniform we’re wearing, etc…)

Conductor: “I want you to arrive semi-dressed.”

(The entire choir starts laughing.)

Conductor: “Tha— that came out wrong.”

(She wanted us to come partly in uniform so we could change quickly.)