(I work in email and chat tech support. One day, an email comes in.)
Customer:
“Hello Miss Sir,
Please send me new one. My wife’s has defected.
Boris”
Me:
“Dear Boris,
Thanks for contacting us. If your wife’s mp3 player is defective, we will be happy to replace it. Please respond with more details on the problem. If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us.”
Sincerely,
[My Name]”
Customer:
“Hello Miss,
Yes, send new one. My wife’s has defecated.”
Coworker: Welcome to [Fast Food Burger Joint]. What’s your beef?
Customer: “I ain’t got a beef; you got the beef. What’s YOUR beef?”
Coworker: “I got the good beef. You want some beef?”
Customer: “Yes, I want some beef. You gonna bring it?”
Coworker: “Yeah, I’ll bring it. You payin’?”
Customer: “Course I’m payin’. You makin’?”
Coworker: “Yes, we’re makin’.”
Customer: “Good, how much?”
Coworker: “You have to order first, sir.”
Customer: “Oh, yeah…”
Did you find this story on our Burger Day roundup?
(A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)
Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”
Mother: “Yes, we did.”
(I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)
Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”
Mother: *nods* “My little [Son] is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”
Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”
Son: “YES! YES, THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*
(A very angry customer brings a small bag of instant coffee to the counter.)
Customer: “HOW DARE YOU STOCK THIS?!”
Me: “Um, I’m sorry… can I help you, sir?”
Customer: “This is Australia! How dare you support some French s*** in our country?!”
Me: “Excuse me, sir?”
Customer: “THIS!” *holds the bag out* “See! Right here: ‘Proudly Supporting Jun’ar Ne’ball In Australia.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it actually says, “Proudly supporting Junior Netball in Australia.”
Elderly Lady #1: “Now, what are the prices like for this show?”
Coworker: “Well, they’re-”
Elderly Lady #2: “Don’t tell us it’s expensive! I don’t want to spend too much money!”
Coworker: *holds out price sheet* “Here are the–”
Elderly Lady #1: “Oh, would you look at that. Look at those prices. Now where are these seats?”
Coworker: “Those are right-”
Elderly Lady #2: “No, we don’t want to sit there. It’s too far in the back.”
Coworker: “Actually, ma’am, they’re–”
Elderly Lady #1: “Those seats are okay… they’re in the middle.”
Elderly Lady #2: “Do they have anything closer on an aisle?”
Coworker: “Unfortunately– ”
Elderly Lady #1: “What do you need to be closer for? Those seats are fine. George and Harry will like them.”
Elderly Lady #2: “Yes, but I’d rather be able to sit as far from Martha as possible.”
Elderly Lady #1: “Ah, yes… we don’t like Martha. She talks so much you can never get a word in!”
