(I am driving my eight-year-old daughter to school early in the morning when a news story comes on the radio station.)
Radio: “The bodyguard of [Famous Singer] is suing because she farted in his presence.”
Daughter: “Oh, my God! Why would she do that to that man’s presents?”
(My mom, sisters, and I are chatting online a few days after Halloween.)
Sister #1: “So what were you for Halloween, Mom?”
Mom: “I was a gypsy. My first graders didn’t know what that was, so I had to tell them.”
Sister #2: “Actually, Mom, they prefer to be known as the Roma, not gypsies. It’s considered a derogatory term.”
Mom: “Oh, wow, I didn’t know that. I guess I had better retire that costume and figure out something new for next year that’s more politically correct. [Sister #3], what were you for Halloween?”
Sister #3: “Oh, I was a pirate.”
Me: “Actually, they prefer to be known as ‘mercenaries’ these days. ‘Pirate’ is so not PC.”
(We have recently switched to an online curriculum.)
Teacher: “And has anyone had problems using the new curriculum?”
Student: “Most of it has worked for me, but I can’t get the sound to work.”
(There is stunned silence.)
Teacher: “This is a sign language class, [Student].”
(I suffered from a speech disorder as a child, and while I speak perfectly now, I have a slight twang in my voice. I’m on the checkout when a smartly-dressed customer approaches the till.)
Me: “Hello! How are you today?”
Customer: “…where are you from?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Where. Are. You. From?”
Me: “Um, I’m local, if that’s what you mean.”
Customer: “No, where were you born?”
Me: “In [Local Hospital].”
Customer: *sighs* “Where are your parents from?”
Me: “They’re from [Local Town] and [Local City].”
Customer: *getting irate* “I just want you to tell me where you’re from! Explain your accent!”
Me: “Oh! My accent! Yes, there’s an explanation for that; see when I was a kid—”
Customer: “I don’t want to hear your life story! Why are you ashamed of your heritage? You are probably bringing shame to your family by denying them! I get that there are racists here, but you don’t need to deny who you are! I won’t judge you!”
Me: “Sir, I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Customer: “Tell me your parents were born in a different country!”
Me: “Um… they were born in [Other Country]?”
Customer: “Yes! See how easy that is? Why couldn’t you have just said that in the first place?!”
(He grabs his bags and marches off. I turn to the next customer.)
Me: “Afternoon!”
Customer #2: “That was a lie, right?”
Me: “Yep. How can I help you today?”
This story is part of our “Where are you from?” roundup!
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(I am a volunteer working at a government funded program that offers free English-as-Second-Language classes to adult immigrants. As it is a day-time class, most of the students are young stay-at-home-moms or retirees. The students usually communicate in one-word utterances, rather than full sentences. The teacher is taking the attendance.)
Teacher: “[Student #1]? Where is [Student #1]?”
Class: “[Student #1] no school today.”
Teacher: “Oh? Why?”
Class: “Husband come China.”
Teacher: “Her husband came over from China?”
Class: “Yeah. Yeah.”
Teacher: “So? Her husband is not a baby! Why does she need to stay home? She doesn’t need to take care of a husband!”
Class: *laughs*
Student #2: *smiles mischievously and winks* “Bed time.”
(The class erupts into laughter and the teacher starts blushing furiously.)
Teacher: “Okay! I can’t argue with that!”
(It still amazes me how someone who can barely string a few words together to communicate can still find humor and joke around in a language they aren’t familiar with. It’s moments like these that convince me that teaching ESL is something that I want to pursue.)
