(My parents always made a big deal about swearing when I was little. I was also a stickler for the rules, and hated breaking them, even by accident. I am about four when this happens:)

Me: “Mom, I know what the F-word is!”

Mom: “We do not say that word in this house! That is a very rude word, and I don’t ever want to hear you say it.”

(Later that night, as Mom is tucking me into bed:)

Me: “I am sorry, Mom; I didn’t know ‘fart’ was a swear word.”

Mom: *after a moment’s pause* “Yes. Yes it is. Good night, dear.”

(My mother and I are staying with my grandmother for the week. We are sitting in the living room watching television in our pajamas.)

Grandmother: *to me* “What time is it?”

Me: “Nine forty-five.”

Mom: “Do y’all ever feel like you just wait all night to go to bed?”

Grandmother: “I do that all the time, and I hope that I won’t wake up…”

(Mom and I look over, shocked, as my grandmother pauses.)

Grandmother: “…as much in the middle of the night.”

(We all cracked up laughing. What a time to take a pause in your sentence!)

(I work in a butcher’s shop.)

Customer: “Do you have… It’s like a dog. But not a dog. It’s chicken!”

Coworker: “…?”

Customer: “It’s long!”

Coworker: *pauses to think* “Chicken sausage?”

Customer: “Yes!”

(I am a senior in college, working four jobs, because due to several incidents I have been traumatized by roommates and need to pay for a place of my own. My parents insist it be in a “safe” area, which means it will be expensive. Also, I can’t find single full-time job that works around my school schedule. This happens at my job at the university box office a few weeks before finals, when I am working an average of about 70 hours per week. The box office job is my “easy” job, where I’m allowed to do homework. I just came from three days of doubles at my other jobs, and stayed up late the night before working on a project. I’m alone in the office and dozing when the phone rings, waking me.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Drugstore] on [Street], [Drugstore slogan]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: *silence*

Me: *realizing* “Um, I mean, thank you for calling [Sporting Goods Store] at [Local Mall]. Which department were you hoping to speak to?!”

Caller: “I don’t think that one is right, either, sweetie.”

Me: *now slightly panicking* “Right! I meant, welcome to the [Non-Profit that I both volunteer and work for]! No, wait. That’s not right, either.”

(At his point, the caller is laughing hysterically, and the fog clears from my head long enough to realize it’s the woman who works in the office that oversees the box office.)

Me: *laughing, too* “I’ve got it this time! Thank you for calling [University] box office. How can I help you today?”

Caller: *no response, only laughter*

Related:
I Am Number Four

(I work at the city pool. My coworker today is my mother-in-law. I’ve been there about a month longer than she has, and have gotten to know the regulars pretty well. There’s one difficult customer who comes in and instantly starts ranting on politics or religion. He also mumbles, making it extremely difficult to understand him. Today, he focuses on my mother-in-law.)

Customer: *mumble-mumble-mumble* “—penis.”

Coworker: *stares*

Customer: *mumble-mumble* “—penis.” *mumble* “—racist.”

Coworker: *slow nod*

Customer: *finally leaves*

Coworker: *turns to me with a wide-eyed stare* “What?”

Me: “He was complaining about how the new Peanuts movie was racist.”