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Honey, You Don’t Know The Half Of It

, | Right | April 27, 2008

(I was helping out a fellow co-worker by serving about three people at of her tables some decaf. At this point, the pitcher was half full.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can get for you?”

(The customer takes a sip of the decaf, makes a face, and SPITS IT OUT all over the table.)

Old Man: “Excuse me!”

Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Old Man: “You’re almost out of coffee. Do you know what this means?”

Me: “…that I have to make another pot?”

Old Man: “I taste coffee bean residue in here. I require that you give me another pitcher.”

Me: “No problem, sir…”

(I go and fetch the other decaf pitcher, which is also half full.)

Me: “Will this one do, sir?”

Old Man: “What is with you people trying to give me the bottom of the pitcher? I’M NOT A BOTTOM MAN!”

(I immediately ran back to the kitchen and laughed for about 10 minutes.)

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Time To Move The Bodies In The Backyard

, , | Right | April 23, 2008

Dog Owner: “Yeah, my Golden Retriever keeps bringing things back to me. Do you know why?”

Trainer: “Well, ma’am, what’s the second word in the breed’s name?”

Owner: “Uh… retriever?”

Trainer: “That would be why.”


This story is part of our Golden Retriever roundup!

Read the next Golden Retriever roundup story!

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When All Else Fails, Use Big Words

, , , , , , | Right | April 22, 2008

(I had a call from an elderly client who was having issues with her satellite receiver. After troubleshooting the issue as much as we possibly could I informed the customer that I’d need to send out a new receiver.)

Me: “Okay, so we’ll simply ship that out. I can overnight that and have it to you first thing tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Tomorrow!? I need it RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s no way for me to possibly do that.”

Customer: “HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SEVENTY YEARS OLD AND CONFINED TO YOUR HOUSE WHERE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT IS THE TV!?”

Me: “I do apologize for your current plight, but unfortunately we currently lack the technology to transmogrify things through space and time. With that in mind, we are, unfortunately, required to use the most current means of shipping. That being FedEx. Would you like that at nine in the morning or ten?”

Customer: *after a brief pause* “Ten. Thank you.”

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Step One: Stay Away From The Computer

, , | Right | April 13, 2008

(I’m meeting a client’s boss face to face, after only contact via email thus far.)

Client’s Boss: “So you are the guy sending technical emails to one of my teams!”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t follow.”

Client’s Boss: “You sent a bunch of emails filled with technical jargon when all they wanted was some help with their system.”

Me: “It wasn’t technical, it was just a step-by-step guide on how to zip a file and send it via email. I checked it with my colleagues to make sure it was easy to understand.”

Client’s Boss: “But the team wanted to save space on their server, not do programming. You have to understand that many of them are older and don’t understand how to use computers!”

(So they don’t know how to use computers, and yet they use them every day…scary.)

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An Unfortunate Choice Of Words

, | Right | April 6, 2008

(I worked for a large Internet service provider; customers are set up with an email address of their choice, over the phone. Someone obviously misheard her.)

Me: “Thank you for calling high speed internet technical support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t get my email.”

Me: “I should be able to help with that … let me pull up your information and I will see what I can do for you.”

Customer: “My email address is SweetyPetty@***.***.”

(I pull up the customer’s info.)

Me: “I see here that your email address is … SweatyT*tties@***.***.”

Customer: “WHAT! That’s not my email address! I demand it be changed now!”

Me: *having entirely too much fun with policy* “Oh I can do that for you, ma’am, but if I do the email address SweatyTitties will be unavailable for 30 days. Are you sure you don’t want SweatyT*tties?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want SweatyT*tties!”

Me: “Okay, so I will delete SweatyT*tties off your account and replace it with SweetyPetty.”

(At this point, the other tech support people around me are laughing.)

Customer: “YES, YES please get rid of SweatyT*tties!”

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