Getting Into Some Meaty Discussions

, , , , | Working | November 25, 2017

(I work at a butcher shop. The two main butchers, also the manager and assistant manager, are two men of about 50 years old. One is short and rotund, and is extremely tough looking, but his personality is exactly the opposite. The other guy is humongous, nearly seven feet tall and built like a brick house, mainly because he hauls huge slabs of meat all day. He is a bit simple minded, though, and not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He is also the sweetest person I know. The main form of communication they use, however, is shouting. They’re not angry or anything, they just don’t have inside voices. It’s always funny when we have new customers or new coworkers, because they always jump when they first hear the two shout.)

Customer: “And I’d like a couple of steaks as well—”

Butcher #1: *shouts loudly while chopping up meat* “I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE LIKE THAT!” *whacks cleaver loudly onto the block* “I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK! I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU LEFT!” *whacks again* “I TOLD YOU MULTIPLE TIMES!” *vigorously whacks a final time* “DIDN’T I TELL YOU SO?”

(At this point he walks over to the other butcher, weaving his cleaver around. The regulars are used to this, but the new customers are easily spotted due to their white and shocked faces.)

Customer: “Uh…”

Butcher #2: *shouting even harder* “I KNOW YOU TOLD ME THAT, BUT I DIDN’T EXPECT IT TO BE SO BAD! IT WAS HORRIBLE!”

(He grabs a knife as well, and starts waving it around while he’s looking for his whetstone. The waving around is just his way of emphasizing his point. By now, some customers are genuinely scared.)

Customer: “Are… are they all right? What’s going on?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, it’s nothing; they’re always like that. It’s no big deal.”

Butcher #1: “I TOLD YOU THE BEACH WOULD BE BUSY! IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER!”

Me: “Apparently they’re discussing the beach today. Anything else, sir?”

That Order Is Totally Phoned In

, , , , | Working | October 12, 2017

(It is the holiday season and we have a lot of special orders. I am calling customers to let them know their order is ready and what time we are closing. This particular order is for someone with the same last name as one of my coworkers, a fact which I happen to blank out on.)

Me: *on the phone* “This is [My Name] at [Meat Market] calling for [Customer]. I wanted to remind you that your order is ready to be picked up, and we’ll be closing at [time] tonight.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks! We’ll be down to get it in about an hour.”

(The customer calls back a few minutes later.)

Me: “[Meat Market], this is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, we just spoke about my order. I was wondering if you could tell me the price on that?”

Me: “Of course; it’s [price]. Anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “No, thank you. We’ll be down to get it soon.”

(An hour later, my coworker arrives for her shift. Her dad browses our selection for a minute before coming to the counter.)

Coworker’s Dad: “I’m here to pick up the order for [Last Name].”

(The realization hits. I get his order together and give it to him. After he has been rung out and left, I turn to my coworker.)

Me: “So… I called your house to remind your family to come get your order before we close.”

Coworker: “I know. I was the one that answered the phone.”

(At least she got to start a hectic shift with a laugh!)

You Crocodile Dundee’d Them

| Fryslân, The Netherlands | Right | May 24, 2017

(It’s the day before Christmas and we’re packed with people picking up their orders. I’m helping a customer when my coworker helps the next person in line.)

Customer: *while pulling out a knife* “Give me all your money! NOW!”

Coworker: *panics*

Me: *grabbing the biggest knife on the counter* “I’m sorry, what did you say, [Customer]?

(The customer, a former classmate of mine who was on drugs, ran out of the door after seeing me with that knife. The customers didn’t have a clue what was happening.)

Wants A K… K… K… Kilo

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Right | December 30, 2016

(It’s two days before Christmas. Whole piglets are normally only available by special order, but because of the season, we’ve ordered in a few extra.)

Customer: “How much is a piglet?”

Coworker: “It’s $100. I think we have a couple left. Do you want me to go see?”

Customer: “Yes, please.”

(My coworker goes into the back, and returns with a piglet on a trolley.)

Coworker: “You’re in luck!”

Customer: “Great! Can I have a kilo?”

Coworker: “…a kilo? Of a piglet?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Coworker: “No.”

Tofoolery

| USA | Right | September 15, 2016

(I work at a butchers shop. A young woman enters with a container.)

Woman: “Did you know none of your items are vegan?”

Me: “Yes…”

Woman: “If you want more vegan customers, you should sell some of my tofu loaf.”

(She hands me the container.)

Me: “Um, I don’t think I’m going to be getting a lot of vegan customers no matter what I sell.”

Woman: “That’s a shame. You’re losing the hipster customers, which makes up, like, 50% of customers.”

Me: “Okay, thanks…”

Woman: *suddenly shrieking* “SELL TOFU LOAF!”

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