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Your Request Makes Not A Gar-Lick Of Sense!

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2022

I answer the phone at my butcher shop. It’s a customer who was in about an hour ago. 

Customer: “Hi. I was there before and I bought a piece of garlic, but it didn’t make it into the bag.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry. We can either refund it or, if it’s convenient for you to come back, we can just replace it.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want either of those things. I’m cooking right now, and I don’t have it.”

Me: *Unsure where this is going* “Well, like I said, we can replace it or refund it—”

Customer: “I would prefer if one of your employees drove it over to me right now. I’m right in town.”

I blink as I try to process this, looking around at my already extremely short-staffed store and my coworkers running around like chickens with their heads cut off, trying to keep on top of everything.  

Me: “Right… Well, as I said, we can refund it or replace it. None of our employees are going to be able to deliver it to your home.”

Customer: “Well, that’s ridiculous.”

Not as ridiculous as your request that we hand-deliver $1 garlic to your house, lady!

Not All Customer Service Has Been Butchered

, , , , | Right | October 26, 2021

My boyfriend and I love to cook, so when we decide to try a fancy recipe for a special occasion, he takes me to one of the best butcher shops in our state. I love the staff, and the prices are great, so I go back a few days later to get a bone for my sister’s dog for his birthday. The employee who helps me is a very typical “merry butcher” type: bald, burly, HUGE hands, jovial disposition.

Butcher: “Hello there! What can I get for you today?”

Me: “Hi! I was wondering, do you sell marrow bones, like for soup?”

Butcher: “We certainly do. Just a sec!”

He leaves and comes back with a HUGE bone, definitely too big for the dog!

Me: *Laughing* “Sorry, I should’ve said before that it’s a birthday present for my sister’s dog.”

Butcher: *Eyes lighting up* “For a pupper?! Is it for a good boy or a good girl?”

Me: “He’s a good boy.”

Butcher: “And such a good boy, I’m sure! How big is he?”

Me: “He’s a pit mix, so he’s a strong chewer, but he’s on the smaller side, about fifty-five pounds.”

Butcher: “Got it. I’ll be right back.”

He ducks into the back and comes out a moment later with a thick, meaty bone of a much more manageable size.

Butcher: “How does that look?”

Me: “That looks perfect! He’s gonna love it!”

Butcher: “All right!”

He wraps the bone and rings it up for me.

Butcher: “And you’re all set! Tell the birthday boy we all said, ‘Happy birthday!'”

Me: “I definitely will! Thanks a lot!”

My sister’s dog LOVED his birthday bone, and I’ll definitely be back to that shop!

This story is part of our end-of-year Feel Good roundup for 2021!

Read the next Feel Good 2021 story!

Read the Feel Good 2021 roundup!

Who’s Being The Biggest Child Here?

, , , , , , | Right | September 14, 2021

I work at a really small mom-and-pop butcher shop in a trendy neighborhood. For health reasons, we have a few rules for people who want to do in-store shopping: namely, we limit the number of people in the store at any one time to five people, one person per party. A lot of times, people will come in with their spouses or significant other, and when we explain the one-person-per-party policy, they’re happy to have one of them wait outside while the other orders.

However, this doesn’t pertain to parents with young children, as, obviously, the kids need to stay with their parents.

We have a long line of people waiting to get in, and there are already five people in the shop. One person comes out, and a woman comes in with her boyfriend. 

Me: “Hi, ma’am. Just so you know, we have a one-person-per-party policy at the moment. If you want, you can take a minute to decide what you’re getting and then have one of you step outside?”

The lady, already indignant and angry, points to a mother shopping with her three-year-old daughter. 

Customer: “Well, what about them?!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a child.”

Customer: “That shouldn’t matter!”

I walked away and found another coworker to deal with her. I don’t get paid enough for that level of stupid.

Putting You To The Testes

, , , , | Right | June 12, 2021

I work at an exotic meat store. We sell everything from Kobe to kangaroo. I have never had a request that we couldn’t fill, until this call:

Me: “[Store], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, do you have rabbit testicles?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We do carry Rocky Mountain oysters, which are bull testicles.”

Caller: “How big are they?”

Me: “About the size of a tennis ball, I think. I can grab some if you’d like the know by the ounce—”

Caller: “No, that won’t do. I need something the size of a walnut.”

Me: “Ah, yeah, I’m sorry, we don’t have anything like that.”

Caller: “Well, where can I find some?”

Me: “I have no idea, sir. I’m sorry.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “I don’t exactly have a list of competitors who sell different sizes of testicles.”

Caller: “But surely you know where they sell them?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, I don’t. I’ve never personally sought out different kinds of testicles to eat.”

The caller hung up.

Hopefully This Resulted In A Belly Laugh

, , | Right | April 21, 2021

I’m working in a small butcher’s shop. A lady comes in.

Customer: “I’d like a piece of the pork belly that’s in the display.”

There’s only one piece of pork belly on display so I go to grab it out for her.

Customer: “Not that one, the other one.”

I start looking around, wondering if have I missed a piece or if there is another piece on display somewhere. She just keeps pointing and saying:

Customer: “That one there!”

After a moment or two, I worked it out: the display fridge has a mirror at the end and she’d seen the reflection of the pork belly in the mirror. After I politely pointed this out to her, she bought the pork belly and was finally on her way.