Who Needs Brains When You Have Money

, , | Right | February 19, 2008

( I worked as a waiter at a country club with a bunch of really “Old Money” snobs. )

Me: “We have a steak (of some kind, I don’t remember). And dude does it sound good!”

Old Money: “Ahem! Excuse me! Did you just say dude?”

Me: “Why yes, sir. I did, I was just saying how good this dish sounds.”

Old Money: “Well, excuse me, young man. Dude AIN’T a word.”

(At this point I’m thinking…are you seriously trying to debate this with an English Major by saying “Ain’t?”)

Me: “Well, sir, actually it is. A dude is a rich old man, like yourself, from the East who thinks they can live on a ranch in the West. And just for the record sir! ‘Ain’t’ is NOT a word! ”

(Needless to say, I wasn’t allowed to wait that Old Man or his family at the Country Club ever again.)

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The Birds And The Bees Talk, Illustrated

, , , , | Right | February 17, 2008

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a Playboy for my son.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, a Playboy to play with.”

Me: *trying very hard not to laugh* “You mean a Gameboy?”

Customer: “Yeah, that!”

(The customer suddenly realizes what she said.)

Customer: “OH!”

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After The Tornado, Dorothy Never Was Quite The Same

, , | Right | February 12, 2008

Me: “How can I help you?”

Old Woman: “Well?”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Old Woman: “Are they here?”

Me: “Are what here? Glasses? Contacts?”

Old Woman: “MY GLASSES GOD D*** IT!”

Me: “I’ll be happy to check. What is your last name?”

Old Woman: “Dorothy.”

Me: “Dorothy is your LAST name?”

Old Woman: “Dorothy.”

Me: “And your first name?”

Old Woman: “Dorothy.”

Me: “Okay, so your name is Dorothy Dorothy. Got it.”

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Good, Because Beagles Don’t Like Fridges

, , | Right | February 11, 2008

(This guy with a thick Bosnian accent comes up to me.)

Customer: “I am looking for beekels.”

Me: “Beekels?”

Customer: “Okay…”

(I show him where are the bagels are.)

Customer: “No, Not bread. Beekles.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “The kind you put in fridge.”

Me: “Oh.”

(I go to the freezers and show him the frozen bagels.)

Customer: “NO! NOT BREAD! BEEKLES!”

Me: “I can’t… I don’t know… uh…”

(He walks away. A few Aisles away he sees it and picks up.)

Customer: “This is what I was looking for.”

Me: “Oh, pickles…”

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It’s A Small (100% English Speaking) World

, , , | Right | January 16, 2008

Customer: “This movie is in German. I want a different one.”

(It was “The Lives of Others,” which won Best Foreign Film at the Oscars–which was stated on the box in big letters.)

Me: “I can’t give you another movie, because it was subtitled. Plus, it says it on the box in two places.”

Customer: “But I don’t speak German.”

Me: “Neither do I.”

Customer: “Why do they make movies in German in America?”

Me: “Because it was made by German people.”


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