The Devil Is In The De-Tails

, , , , , | Right | August 29, 2008

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to make an appointment for a dismemberment.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I want to bring in my dog for a dismemberment!”

Me: “Oh! You must mean a distemper shot.”

Customer: “Yes! Now, when can I get my dog dismembered?”


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Bananas For Vanana

, , , , | Right | August 26, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [Ice Cream Shop]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like some banana ice cream.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(She pays and leaves. A moment later, she storms in, literally pushing people out of the way.)

Customer: “This is not what I ordered!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ll be happy to change that for you.”

Customer: “You better!”

Me: “So, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Banana ice cream.”

Me: “Banana? That’s what I served you earlier. Is that not banana?”

Customer: “No. I said banana!”

Me: “Yes, banana.”

Customer:: “You taste it! It’s not banana! I said banana!

Me: “Ma’am, I’ll be happy to give you a new bowl. Perhaps, since we mix our own ice cream, the banana taste wasn’t mixed all the way through.”

Customer: “Listen, I said banana, not banana!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “BANANA BANANA BANANA!”

Me: “Banana?”

(Suddenly, her B’s turn into V’s…)

Customer: “Vanana!”

Me: “Oh, my God. Vanilla?”

Customer: “Yes, you dumb, b****! VANANA!”


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Just Tell ’em What They Want To Hear, Part Three

, , , , | Right | August 24, 2008

(I work at an amusement park where they have free unlimited drinks throughout the park, a fact that is posted all over the park.)

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, how much are your free soft drinks?”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Are you deaf, son?! HOW MUCH ARE YOUR FREE SOFT DRINKS?!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I couldn’t hear you and thought you said something stupid. The free drinks are $5 each.”

Customer: “That’s f****** highway robbery! You people should be ashamed!”

Me: “Oh, we are…”

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And The Problem Solves Itself

, , , , , | Right | August 22, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. May I please verify your address and phone number?”

(The caller rattles off an address, including the apartment number.)

Caller: “… that’s why I’m calling. What’s this about a ‘dog’ in my address?”

(I notice her address has the words “DASIN DOG”.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I have no explanation for that. I can certainly remove it. Also, we don’t seem to have your apartment number. Would you mind repeating that for me?”

Caller: “D! D as in Dog!”

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What Is This Culturally Monolithic Country Coming To

, , , , , , | Right | August 20, 2008

Me: “Good evening, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a good movie.”

Me: “Of course. I recommend Pan’s Labyrinth; it was excellent.”

Coworker: “You are aware that this movie has subtitles.”

Customer: “What the f*** is that?”

Coworker: “The words at the bottom you have to read. It’s in Spanish.”

Customer: “What the f*** is that? We’re in America; we don’t speak Spanish! I want it in American!”

(He storms off and promptly returns with ‘Apocalypto.’)

Me: “Sir, you do know this movie has subtitles, too?”

Customer: “What the f***? What is this country coming to? When did we become another country?! I want a god-d*** American movie! Where are the American movies?”

Me: “The store is full of movies made in America.”

(He walks back up about ten minutes later with ‘Letters From Iwo Jima’ in his hand.)

Customer: “This is the movie by Clint Eastwood, right?”

Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “And it’s really good, too.”

Customer: “Clint Eastwood is a real American. He knows what I like!”

(I gave a look to my coworker who didn’t say anything that time, and we rented him the movie. Too bad ‘Letters From Iwo Jima’ is all in Japanese with English subtitles.)


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