(I am taking a constitutional law class, and the professor is discussing equal protection and how the Constitution was used to end segregation.)

Professor: “So, this case involved a coffee shop, called the Eagle, that wouldn’t serve black customers. According to the Interstate commerce clause, private businesses can’t discriminate. However, the Evil coffee shop continued to racially discriminate…”

Class: *laughing*

Professor: “What’s funny? I’m trying to teach!”

Student: “But you called it the ‘Evil’ shop!”

Professor: “Really? Freudian slip, I guess. Anyway, the Eagle coffee shop discriminated… stop laughing! Segregation is evil!”

(I am arranging a training course for several managers at my office. One manager has asked about the facilities. I reply to her email after a brief call with the venue. About an hour later, I am called into the senior manager’s office. Said manager is also there, and she looks to be furious.)

Senior Manager: “I have had a serious accusation from [Manager] that you referred to her in a way that she believes to be homophobic.”

Me: “Oh?”

Senior Manager: “Yes. I won’t repeat it here out of respect to—”

Manager: “BULLS*** LESBIAN! That’s what you called me. I always knew you were a bigot.” *to Senior Manager* “I want his a**e out of here, immediately!”

Me: “I have never referred to you by that. I don’t know if you know, but I’m gay myself.”

Manager: “Oh, a [lesbian slur]-hating [gay slur]. Just typical!”

Senior Manager: “Okay, let’s just calm down for second. When did he call you this?”

Manager: “On his email!”

(She hands a piece of paper to him and glares at me. The senior manager reads it quietly.)

Senior Manager: “Um, [Manager], BSL stands for British Sign Language.”

Manager: “What? That doesn’t even make any sense.”

Senior Manager: *quoting* “’…and the venue also offers BSL interpreters.’ What part of that was meant to suggest ‘BSL’ stands for ‘bulls*** lesbian’?”

Manager: “I… I guess I didn’t read the email.”

Senior Manager: “So, I take it the confusion regarding homophobia has cleared?”

(She nods.)

Me: “Well, not exactly.”

(I then spoke about her referring to me as a “[lesbian slur]-hating [gay slur],” to which she said I was overreacting and stormed out of the office. Yes, I’m overreacting when you called me a “[lesbian slur]-hating [gay slur],” but when I used an acronym that you misunderstood, it was perfectly justified. In the end, she was threatened with dismissal unless she issued a formal apology. I’m still waiting on it, but she’s on unpaid leave until it is received.)

(I have been dropping my friend off at her house after school for the past few days. She normally walks, but because of the hot weather, I offered to pick her up since it’s on the way. Today, in school, she comes up to me.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Friend: “I just wanted to thank you for dropping me off everyday. Your mom, too. Thank you guys so much!”

Me: “It’s no problem, really! Don’t worry about it.”

(I am from Delhi, in North India, and speak fluent Hindi like the rest of my family. My friend is Korean.)

Friend: “Can you teach me some Hindi?”

Me: *slightly taken aback* “Um, sure. But why?”

Friend: “How do you say, ‘Thank you very much’?”

Me: *gets it* “Oh! It’s, ‘bahut shukriya’.”

Friend: “Bahut shukriya?”

Me: “Yeah!”

(Later during the day:)

Friend: “Wait, [My Name]!”

Me: “Mmhm?”

Friend: “What was it again? Hobo shukriya?”

Me: *laughs* “What? No! It’s, ‘bahut shukriya’.”

Friend: “Oh, right!”

(In the car:)

Friend: *getting out* “Oh, [My Name]’s mom! By the way, buttock shukriya!”

(My mom was extremely confused while my friend beamed proudly at her AMAZING Hindi. I drop off another friend — my neighbor — as well, and she speaks fluent Hindi, too. We both laughed until we wheezed as we explained the situation to my bewildered mother. Soon we were all laughing and my friend apologised. Hey, at least she tried!)

(My mother, some relatives, and I are having a discussion at a family gathering. My mother, a retired state employee now living out of state, is questioning us about the status in the state legislature of a bill increasing her pension to compensate for the increased cost of living. In jest, she pounds on the table and demands her increase. Next thing we know, another relative, not part of the discussion, puts a drink in front of her.)

Mother: “What’s this?”

Relative: “The coke you were demanding.”

(My mother and I burst out laughing. Our discussion had used the acronym for Cost Of Living Adjustment: COLA!)

(In my Latin class, we’re filling out a crossword puzzle with the names of Greek gods and heroes. My friend’s working on his crossword, and another student is half-working and also talking with his buddies.)

Student: *looking over at my friend’s paper* “Does that say, ‘Onions’?”

Friend: “‘Onions’?”

Student: “Yeah, ‘onions.’ Is that what it says?”

Friend: *just looking at him*

Student: *picks up my friend’s paper and takes a closer look* “Oh, it says, ‘Helios.’”

Teacher: “Sometimes I think this class period just shaves IQ points off.”

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