Me: “Are you ready to order?”
Customer: “No, we’re not ready to order yet.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll come back later.”
(I start to walk away.)
Customer: “Hey! Aren’t you going to ask us what we want to eat?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I thought you said you didn’t want me to take your order yet.”
Customer: “Well, I don’t really care what order you ask us in. I just want my food!”
(A customer approaches the front desk.)
Customer: “Can I get a large gauze pad and a bandaid? And maybe some ointment, as well?”
Me: “What happened?”
Customer: “My son swam into the pool wall, and he cut his head open.”
Me: “Is he okay?”
Customer: “Yeah, just bleeding. He’s so used to swimming in the ocean with no walls. Poor thing.”
Me: “How old is your son?”
Customer: “19.”
This story is part of the Swimming Pool roundup!
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Customer: “Can you make a copy of my fax papers?”
Me: “Sure.”
Customer: “Okay, now fax them.”
(I go over to the fax machine and send them; I come back with the papers.)
Customer: “I thought you were going to fax my papers?”
Me: “I just did.”
Customer: “Then why are the papers in your hands still?”
Me: “What are you talking about?”
Customer: “When you fax something, it sends the papers to them instantly doesn’t it?”
Me: “Yes, because it scans them and sends it.”
Customer: “Oh, I thought it sent the papers instantly to the number.”
Me: “Phone lines can’t do that.”
Customer: “Well, I guess I didn’t need the copies, then. Do I still have to pay for them if I give them back to you to get rid of?”
Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. May I have your first and last name, please?”
Caller: “You people sent me a broken phone! I just got this phone from you people Friday and have charged it all f****** weekend and when I take it off the charger, it just dies! I want my money back and you better give me a new phone!”
Me: “Well, ma’am, it would be my pleasure to assist you in trying to troubleshoot–”
Caller: “I don’t want no d*** troubleshooting! I want a new phone! Now!”
Me: “I’ll be more than happy to get you a new phone but I first need some numbers from inside your phone to process the request. Can you please remove the back of the phone and remove the battery for me?”
Caller: “D*** straight you’ll get me a new phone!” *noise of fiddling with the battery cover* “You people try to rip good folk off and squeeze every dime, you leeching-” *pause* “Oh. My. God.”
Me: “Ma’am, you never placed the battery into the phone when you opened the box, did you?”
Caller: “Is that what the little black square thing is? Oh, shucks, I’ll take care of it now. Bye!”
This story is part of our Smartphone roundup!
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Me: “Thank you for calling [Fast Food Restaurant]. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Yea, I’m calling about the nuts you put in my son’s ice cream.”
Me: “Um, sir, we don’t sell ice cream here.”
Caller: “Yeah, you did. I came in last night.”
Me: “Sir, this is [Fast Food Restaurant]. We don’t serve ice cream here.”
Caller: “Yeah, you do. For 49 cents. And you put nuts in my son’s ice cream! I’d like to speak to your manager!”
Me: “You’re speaking to her.”
Caller: “Oh, and you said you don’t serve ice cream here?”
Me: “No, sir, we don’t. I think you needed the number for [Other Restaurant] across the street.”
Caller: You own both the restaurants?
Me: “No, sir, we don’t. We’re just us.”
Caller: *long pause* “So what kind of desserts do you sell there?”
Me: “Cinnamon Twists.”
Caller: “I hate those things. What else you got?”
Me: “Cinnamon Twists. That’s it.”
Caller: “I heard you say that! What else do you have?”
Me: “That’s it.”
Caller: *longer pause* “Well, can you concoct something for me if I came in?”
Me: “No, sir, we can’t do that.”
Caller: “Oh…”
Me: “Was there anything else you needed help with?”
Caller: “No. Just to clarify, you don’t sell ice cream?”
Me: “That’s right.”
Caller: *long pause* “You should probably hang up now.”
This story is part of the Lying-Customers-Getting-Caught roundup!
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